Yesterday I had one of those days where I had amazing feats of accomplishments, one after another, except that the accomplishments themselves were so boring that they practically brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to share my amazing level of accomplishments with my husband, and so I started to list off all the things I had done, and yet before I even had listed a quarter of the things I noticed his eyes glazing over and his head nodding. I could practically see that he was thinking about work, or a meeting, or possibly an episode of Top Gear while I described my day: I walked the dog and then I went to Costco and then I put everything away and separated all the chicken breasts into individual containers for freezing…oh wait, before that I stripped all the beds and washed the sheets…and then I went to get the kids for lunch…
My husband’s head did snap to attention when, between describing “preparing vegetables for dinner” and “weeding the garden” I mentioned that I washed the windows. I a) got the ladder out of the garage and b) got ONTO the ladder, both ALL BY MYSELF. He, for some reason, found this information alarming. And yet I still have both legs and an uncracked skull and also I can see out my window without rage about all the water spots and dust, so it’s a winning situation all around.
I did not mention to him that I may have hit the minivan with the ladder whilst fetching it from the garage and also that I may have put a dent in the garage doorjamb whilst putting it back in the garage. I DID clean the damn windows myself. I feel like I need an award. Maybe a badge for my sash.
I think what I will do is pour myself a large Friday-style glass of wine and put on what my sweet young girlfriend calls “married lady pants” – a certain kind of comfortable pants that give off that vibe of “we have a legally binding contract”, as opposed to “Let’s listen to Barry White and get it on all night long”. In my case, such pants are pink pajamas that sport a hummingbird motif, although I’m pretty sure my husband finds said pajamas to be sexy as hell. He probably thinks “Wow, those hummingbird pants are hot. Can’t wait to see what they look like on the floor.” Or so I tell myself.
The other night I was sitting on the couch in my pink hummingbird pajamas with a mud masque on my face and whitening strips on my teeth, and I felt a teensy bit sorry for my husband. My friend Clara wrote a post about the secret to a good marriage is accepting that the two of you make an engine, part gasoline, part spark. Cannot help but think that my whitening strips that make me lisp a little bit is NOT doing my part for spark. Freshly whitened teeth are nice though, so I’m going to go ahead and give myself half points.
Category Archives: Housewifery
Sweep, sweep, hurry, hard!
You won’t believe it, but it has been actually hot here the past couple of days. Not just warm, but HOT. It’s beautiful. Nothing teaches you to carpe diem like a hot day in Calgary. It’s like the whole city is well aware that such a gift may not ever happen again, and so everyone is outside frantically enjoying the sunshine. Seize the day, goddammit! I’ve noticed a lot of sunburned faces around, which is also typical of this city where people take a few weeks to realize that yes, there is such a thing as sunscreen.
A lot of those red faces were at the school. Yesterday was Music Monday and I went to watch 430 students singing on the hill behind the school. It couldn’t have been more perfect, and as a side note: is there anything that Chris Hadfield cannot do? The guy is the whole package, moustache and all. He writes songs, he orbits in space, he plays the guitar – seriously, what an amazing man.
I brought freezies to the playground yesterday after school and enjoyed feeling the sun while the kids played. I checked Mark’s agenda and in there was a note reminding all parents about appropriate clothing for warm weather, reminders about hats, sunscreen, and water bottles. There was also a reminder about shorts – how short is too short? – and that there are no spaghetti straps permitted in the classroom; tank top straps must be two-finger-widths at minimum. I’d never received this particular note before, and I didn’t get one from Jake’s class, so I have to assume Grade 3/4 is the age when these rules start to be enforced. After all, I’ve seen plenty of kindergarteners in sundresses with skinny straps.
It reminded me so much of Swistle’s Middle School Dress Code post that I had to go read it again. This is my very favourite paragraph from that post:
I can HEAR in the newsletter that the middle school staff does not WANT to make a dress code. They want to say, “Wear REASONABLE clothing, please, and let’s get on with the day.” But no: the children push and Push and PUSH, until the staff is FORCED to say things such as “Shoulders of tops must be at least three (3) inches wide.” I’m sure that in the beginning they were thinking, as I am, “What’s wrong with a tank top?” And many VERY HEADACHEY days later, it’s “three inches” and then needing to spell out that “three” = 3.
I just didn’t realize I would be facing this in Grade 3. Of course, I can be as flip as I like about it, since my own children are wearing t-shirts that have the 2010 Vancouver Olympic mascots on them and nearly knee-length cargo shorts. I am not likely ever going to have to worry about them wearing spaghetti straps and short shorts to school, and because of this I feel very fortunate.
Slight digression: I’ve always found sleeveless shirts on men to be kind of vile, outside of a gym or yoga studio or athletic activity. I think it’s the armpit hair. Anyone else feel this way, or is this going to be another of those issues that divides us, like shorts? We can all still be friends, no matter what our view on shorts are. This isn’t O Magazine.
There is one thing that is very trying about this weather, and that is the very dry dead grass that is everywhere. Green grass is only just starting to sprout, and so the dead grass is literally everywhere. It was all over my blanket that I took to Music Monday, it’s inexplicably all over the kids’ clothing, and the dog, the DOG keeps rolling around outside and bringing in vast quantities of it. The dog isn’t due for his day at the groomer’s for another two weeks, and so his giant fuzziness is constantly shedding dead grass all the live long day. I cannot stand the sight of it, which means I am sweeping the floor constantly. “I’m in a battle with the grass,” I said casually to the boys, who immediately jumped on the word “battle”. They immediately began describing the video game that could be based on my life. Mom versus grass. My weaponry is a broom and sometimes the vinegar-and-water spray bottle and mop. Level up! I swept up the grass. There’s more grass! I’m losing lives! Get out the broom!
Anyone want to get in on the lamest, most housewifely video game idea ever? Anyone? I was a little saddened by the apparent turn my life has taken here; I mean, my superpower is sweeping up dead grass with a broom. This is what my life has come down to.
Domination by cookie baking
The Boyhouse is vibrating with excitement today. It’s the Halloween Family Dance and I am just going to say that I feel badly for the teachers today. They are going to be dealing with some bouncy kids. Also, my own kids snuck cookies before school this morning, so they may be riding the sugar train.
I spent a large portion of the day yesterday making these cookies for the bake sale. In my world, first you make the cookies, then you get the power. WORLD DOMINATION VIA THE HALLOWEEN DANCE BAKE SALE. That’s my motto.
Mark informed his classmates that his mother was bringing the best cookies ever to the bake sale, and so I had to comply. What else to do? Can’t disappoint a class full of third graders. He also told me that he is planning to bring some allowance to the dance; he wants to buy one of my friend’s cupcakes (that feature gummy candy!) and also he wants to buy one of my ghost cookies. Puzzled, I told him that he didn’t have to buy one; I made extras for us to have at home. He feels, however, that an example needs to be set. A cookie buying example, I guess.
I am going to be starting to do book reviews on this blog, which I thought would be very fun. However, the first book that I am going to review is a Chicken Soup for the Soul book about, of all things, hockey. Why I agreed to review this book is honestly beyond me. I mean, I’ve never in my life read one of those Chicken Soup books, not to mention I don’t even like hockey. However. Look for a review of this book soon. As soon as I finish slogging through it. Hockey. What was I thinking?
In other news, a friend sent me a bunch of old advertisements from years gone by, and they are truly amusing. Some of them are the “Doctors Who Smoke Prefer Camels!” type of advertising, which makes me think of Mad Men, and makes me long for the days before I had watched all the episodes, when I still had something television-wise to look forward to. This advertisement really made me laugh:
Oh, hahaha double entrendre! I think that’s pretty bad advice, actually. Attention menfolk: most women would NOT be at all thrilled if you blew in their faces, smoke or otherwise. Gross! Two things about this advertisement: I wish I had that woman’s eyelashes (do you think they are fake? They must be), and the guy looks disturbingly like my younger brother. I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. Except my brother often has a giant pornstache or beard or porkchop-like sideburns, but if he was clean shaven he would look JUST LIKE THIS GUY. Which is weird on just so many levels, I can’t even.
Anyway! Time to sign off, dear readers, I have much to do before the big event tonight. For one thing, I FINALLY have a hair appointment, so I can kiss my inch-and-a-half grey roots goodbye. Also, I need to prepare for an early dinner, fold a pile of laundry, and drop off the cookies at the school or my world/bake sale domination plan will be ruined. Pictures of everyone’s costume – including my own non-slutty one – to follow. Stay tuned! xoxo
Nicole’s Favourite Things; Fall Edition
I am very cross right now for a variety of reasons, amongst them a) my dog is sick with kennel cough, which he got FROM his kennel cough vaccination, and now I am faced with a new life as someone who does not want to vaccinate her dog, b) I have had to check the yard constantly “in case” Barkley develops diarrhea, and it is gross to be constantly checking dog poop, c) there are UNSOLVABLE issues with the upcoming book fair due to the fact that the school’s Remembrance Day holiday is not the same as the one that Scholastic (and, apparently, the rest of the world) is observing, d) the unsolvable issue was brought to my attention only AFTER I had sent out a cheery “would you like to volunteer?” email about it, e) I had a very awkward conversation with the developmentally slow grocery carryout guy today about suicide, which is NOT a conversation I wish to have in the three minutes it takes to put my groceries in the car, and f) it is not slated to be above zero degrees Celcius any day this week. I AM COLD.
I know, I know, there are bigger problems in the world. Wah, wah, wah, and my diamond ring is too heavy for my hand, my bed of money had a lump in it, and I am just TOO beautiful.
Still, I am in a crabby kind of mood, so I’m going to turn things around by saying WWOD (What Would Oprah Do?).
Welcome to Nicole’s Favourite Things, the Fall Edition!
This sweater and those boots. When fall (or, as we say in YYC, the start of the unending winter) arrives with its crisp chill, it’s a sign for me to break out the black sweaters! This one is my new favourite. I got it on the “We Made Too Much” clearance section from Lululemon, and it’s warm, long, and wraps around in a snuggly way. These boots I got for half price during the Boxing Week sales from a place that I cannot recall. Longtime readers will remember these as the “Puss in Boots” ones. It’s a bargain of an outfit! I think I even bought the jeans on sale. Thriftiness in the Boyhouse! Relatively speaking.
Those are beehives in the background. Related: my neighbour keeps bees in her backyard and she always gives me some of her very excellent honey, to say thank you for my flowers. Hey, it’s a two-way street; her bees make my flowers awesome, and so Taryn’s honey is on my favourite things list!
That’s her photo, by the way. Did I mention I love this girl?
I bought this set of three dishtowels (I know, DISHTOWELS are on my favourite things list) and they make me smile whenever I look at them, which is often, since I spend half my life in the kitchen. They say “They Fell In Love”, “They Got Married”, and “They Lived Happily Ever After.” Aw. They were probably meant for a wedding shower gift, but I bought them for myself and no regrets. Happily ever after. I always smile when I look at that, and imagine myself in a fairy-tale like existence, and think I AM living happily ever after! Then I go look for dog diarrhea and the mood dissipates somewhat.
Calgary is very dry year-round, but especially so in fall and winter. I go through a lot of lotion and hand cream, and the scents from Bath and Body Works are enough to turn you into one of those creepy “Smell My Finger” guys. But in a good way. Twilight Woods, Cherry Blossom, and, separate from regular Cherry Blossom, JAPANESE Cherry Blossom are my current favourite scents.
That reminds me, I have been meaning to post pictures of my renovated bathroom. Next time, okay?
My mother-in-law is a mad knitter, and she knitted me this scarf that I think is fabulous.
Fluffy, cute, and goes perfectly with a black sweater!
It was my husband’s birthday this weekend, and I made him a reduced-sugar apple crisp for his birthday, in keeping with his low-sugar dietary restrictions. We’re such a fun couple. Want to invite us over for dessert? He can’t have sugar, I can’t have dairy. Game on! Anyway, I made him an apple crisp, although I think that cooked fruit is, quite frankly, a waste of fruit. One of my favourite fall things is fresh, farmer’s market McIntosh apples!
I keep our surplus apples in the crawl space. Right next to the hall paint, apparently.
Another thing I love about fall: pumpkins!
Those giant pumpkins were on sale for $0.19/pound. Apparently procrastination pays off. I am going to be roasting a lot of pumpkin seeds this weekend!
I also love making chocolate chip pumpkin loaf, and butternut squash bisque. Lately I’ve been making that soup with coconut milk and coconut oil instead of whipping cream and butter, and it is pretty fabulous.
So those are my favourite things about fall. What are yours? xoxo
Friday Fun in the Boyhouse
Well, hello there, Friday! It’s been a long time since I posted on a Friday evening. Normally I’m too busy sitting on the couch making out with a bottle of wine and watching Jeopardy or reruns of 30 Rock to think about writing anything. But lucky you, dear readers, because tonight I am sitting here making out with a bottle of wine in front of my laptop.
Fridays are always crazy around here; crazy in a “fun, exciting” way and not in a “dress the dog up in a bumblebee outfit” way. I won’t bore you with the details of Friday yoga practice and how it’s Primary Series day, unless you care. Do you? Anyway, Friday yoga practice is different from the rest of the week, and then the kids’ school has early dismissal on Fridays – at 1:10 – which means they eat lunch at the school, which normally they never do. And – sssshhh, it’s a secret – I always have a different lunch when they are at school. Sometimes I just eat guacamole. Today I had crackers and a spinach smoothie. THIS IS HOW CRAZY IT GETS AROUND HERE. Then, of course, there is no yoga practice tomorrow, and we know what that means: I crack open the alcoholic beverages as soon as is socially acceptable. Sometimes sooner. Not today though; today I had to take the kids to get their hair cut at 4:30, and so I did have to wait until an actually socially acceptable time to open that bottle of Cupcake wine.
I will tell you this: I am so thankful that, since the wet-socks-from-stepping-in-the-puddle-of-pee incident, the boys never want to play in the ballpit at Beaners.
Today I was at the spa for a wax. I started going to this spa ten minutes away from my house after my esthetician decided that she was quitting esthetics forever. I tried not to take that personally, as she told me during a bikini wax and I wondered if my yeti-like condition drove her to it. Anyway, the spa is awesome since I can get an appointment whenever I want, unlike the wheeling and dealing I had to do with my former esthetician, whose hours were varied and ever-changing (“I have an opening at 7:15 pm on Tuesday, or 2:00 pm on Friday next week…”). It is also a full-service spa, with nice little amenities such as fluffy robes, slippers, and complimentary herbal tea and organic gingersnaps that look only the teeniest bit like dog treats. I partake in none of those niceties because I’m just getting a wax, dammit, I want to get in and out as soon as possible. Anyway, I was waiting in the cozy room with the lounge chairs and fireplace, waiting for the esthetician to call me, and I noticed a man. It’s not unusual to see men in the spa, but usually they are with wives or girlfriends, getting couples’ treatments. However, it was 10:30 on a Friday morning and this man was by himself, in the lounge chair, wearing a robe and slippers and sipping on the complimentary herbal tea. He was also studiously reading a magazine, which, upon further examination, was O Magazine. I found myself completely obsessed. Was he trying to figure out how to Live his Best Life? Was he having an Aha! Moment? Was he disagreeing vehemently with Adam Glassman about the appropriateness of yellow skinny pants in the workplace? Then I noticed he was near the end of the magazine. Maybe he was finding out What I Know For Sure? I haven’t read O Magazine in a while, so I don’t know what the latest What I Know For Sure is, but I sure am curious.
Fortunately I was called in for my appointment. Any longer and I probably would have mentally written a novel about the Guy in the Spa Reading Oprah.
Here’s What I Know For Sure for this week:
1) If you are telling a group of people the many and convoluted ways that you stay healthy during cold and flu season, and those ways include but are not limited to excessive vitamin consumption, hand sanitizer use, and a homeopathic flu protocol, and those people are staring at you in silence, do NOT try to make things less awkward by talking MORE. The more you talk the crazier you seem, so STOP TALKING.
2) People who look like Santa are not always nice. I was parking my car and there was a complete asshole in the parking lot who looked exactly like Santa.
3) If you have two children who have the same sock size, buy a whole lot of the exact same socks. That way you never have to spend time pairing and matching the socks.
I had more things to tell you about, about crazy Fridays, but I just finished my second glass of wine and I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. Oh yes, now I remember – apparently certain Banana Boat sunscreens are possible fire risks, because if you apply the sunscreen and then expose yourself to spark or flame prior to the sunscreen drying completely, you could set yourself on fire. Now, I’m certainly not dismissing or belittling those who have become engulfed in flames post-sunscreen applications, but how much of a problem is this? Who is exposing their own skin to sparks and/or flames immediately following sunscreen application? Maybe this IS a problem, I don’t really know.
Hey, guess what else I learned today? Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel got married! I thought they were married already, actually. This was very anticlimatic information, like when I find out an elderly celebrity died who I thought had died many years ago. Oh well. Bringing sexy back, which for a married couple means getting into a bottle of Cupcake wine and wearing a Top Gun Halloween costume.
What kind of monster have I become?
It’s a beautiful autumn day here in YYC!
Did you just cry a little? Yeah, me too. Less than two weeks ago, this was the scene:
Jake, climbing our tree, wearing shorts. Not shown in this photograph is the total heart attack I was having and trying to conceal. “Wow, honey, you’re a really great climber!” is what I said. “I am going to dial 9-1 and wait to dial the other 1. I think I’m having palpitations!” is what I was thinking. That was silly of me, because Jake DID lose his footing, but instead of falling he gripped the tree with both arms and both legs, hanging upside down, boasting the whole time about his superior climbing and monkey skills.
It’s funny, the things you never think you’ll do or say that you end up doing or saying. Things such as “Get down from there or you’ll break your neck!” Or cleaning your child’s dirty face with your own saliva. Just writing that down, I am revolted with my own motherly self. And yet who among us hasn’t done this? Who among us hasn’t retorted with the ever-popular “Because I said so, THAT’S WHY.” Who among us hasn’t pretended to listen to their child’s steady stream of chatter and nodded absently and unmindfully?
Sometimes I wonder about the person I have become. I look at my life and I wonder what happened to me. For example, yesterday I was at the mall. The mall. On a snowy, windy, October afternoon. All I’m going to say is, so many crying babies. Not that I’m judging – I’ve been there before, the young mom desperate just to get out of the house. Still. Anyway, I was at the mall, and I saw a pink Star Wars t-shirt in my size and I considered purchasing it. I really did. I actually picked it up, then after a minute, I set it down again, mourning the little piece of me that died when I considered buying a pink Star Wars t-shirt for my 37 year old self.
What have I become? I also marvelled at myself when I intervened in an argument between the children. They were, uncharacteristically, bickering when Jake suddenly burst into tears. The reason for the outburst was that Mark told him that of all the planets, he hated Tattooine the most. This soul-destroying information just couldn’t be unsaid. I spoke with Mark, and my exact words, my EXACT WORDS were “Honey, that really hurt Jake’s feelings. How would you feel if he said he hated Naboo?”
Who am I?
Another example of my burgeoning lameness is that the other day I purchased a bottle of Mrs. Dash. I have always associated Mrs. Dash with the elderly who have been required by their health care providers to adopt a low-sodium diet. I am now, apparently, a person who seasons food with Mrs. Dash. I don’t even know what to think of this, except that I sprinkled it on my avocado-and-tomato quesadilla yesterday, and it was delicious.
Other things that my former self would not have conceived of doing: spending hours photocopying things and becoming proficient at fixing paper jams, secretly becoming panicky and tiger-momish when my child gets four points docked on a bar graph unit test for not showing all the work, becoming sad when unable to obtain oven mitts that match my apron, and wondering if the socks-over-jeans-but-under-boots would be a good look for me.
Cupcakes, shopping, and Junior Mints
I am pleased to report the happy news that there have been zero barfing incidents since the first day of school. Although, writing that, I just broke out into a cold sweat thinking that I just jinxed everything and now my children will be up all night barfing. Cue the Stevie Wonder riffs.
I really, really hope this doesn’t come to pass, and not just for the obvious reasons: tomorrow is Jake’s birthday party! After the insanity of Mark’s last birthday party, I privately vowed to never host another birthday party as long as I live, but Jake very sweetly only wanted to invite five of his neighbourhood friends – whose mothers I am all friends with – to go play at the playground and then eat cupcakes. I felt I could really get behind that idea! And so that is exactly what we are going to do, and the weather is going to cooperate as well, it seems. At this very moment I have cupcakes in the oven – these cupcakes, if you’re interested – with the promise of making extra peppermint frosting just for the birthday boy. I’m also wearing my brand new apron:
Isn’t it adorable? It has cupcakes on it and I’m MAKING CUPCAKES! I’m going to feature it in an upcoming “Nicole’s Favourite Things” post, but strangely, like kale chips and 70s soft rock, I am the only one in my house who does not revile this sweet apron. What is wrong with everyone I live with? I put it on last night to show the kids, who stared at me, making “Uhhhhhhh” noises until Mark said “Mom? It’s kind of lame.” I showed my husband, who wasn’t shy about sharing his unfavourable opinion. But what does he know? He also said “I thought when you said you had a new apron, it was, you know, the kind that is black and lacy…” It’s not a French maid outfit, husband. I’m using it for actual baking, not “baking”.
That was the strangest euphemism for sex ever, no?
Anyway, so cupcakes are on the to-do list today, as well as putting together loot bags. I went out yesterday specifically to buy loot bag treats, a replacement shirt for the one that was barfed on, and shoes for Mark. I’m kicking myself a little because – I don’t mean to brag, here, people – I am the most organized person I know. Yet I fell down on this one. I bought indoor school shoes for the boys weeks ago, but since they were in sandals all summer, I failed to notice that Mark’s regular outdoor runners were a size too small until the first day of school. ORGANIZATIONAL FAILURE. He could barely walk in them, poor giant-flippered child. So I thought I would just pick up a pair while running all my other errands.
And let me tell you, by the end of the day I was so frustrated and crabby that I was ready to burn the whole mall down. I went to every single store that sold shoes and I purchased the only pair of boys’ runners in Mark’s size. THE ONLY PAIR. I have written many times about my frustration over the lack of selection for boys’ wear, but that really took the cake. I ended up paying an exhorbitant price for a simple pair of running shoes which will likely be outgrown in six months, although thankfully they can be passed down to Jake as well. BUT STILL. Then I attempted to find party favours that were not embossed with Tinkerbell or Barbie, but again, this was futile. I ended up going to the dollar store where I found not only Star Wars-themed Pez dispensers, but also Angry Birds-themed napkins and bags, and gigantic packages of candy, including Junior Mints! I hope I don’t eat all the Junior Mints before I get them into the loot bags. Who doesn’t like a Junior Mint? They are so refreshing!
So the first week back at school has been full of excitement, hasn’t it? There are a few other things going on around here that are amping things up a little, such as an in-law visit and preparing for the first school council meeting. Suffice it to say I’m looking forward to my Friday night cocktails/wine/any alcohol at all. How early is too early for a drink, really?