Monthly Archives: July 2017

Becoming Charlotte Lucas, or Thoughts on Pride and Prejudice

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A new shop has opened up in my neighbourhood; it is called The Fairy Hut. I’ll just let that sit with you for a moment.

Now, I am a huge proponent of small businesses and new businesses and entrepreneurs, and I hope with all my heart that it is a success, but I can’t help wondering what the market is for, as they advertise, all things whimsical. It seems a bit niche to me, but perhaps there is a large demand for fairy-type objects. I have not been in it myself, but have walked past it with the dog many times, dying of curiosity. I have a lot of admiration for people who open up their own businesses; it’s very brave and demanding, I can imagine. I am not a person who takes those kinds of financial risks; more on that later. If you’re the type of person who does like fairy and/ or whimsical objects, then this might just be the place for you. I just hope that the owners have done their research in terms of fairy-related demand.

The name, however, brings to mind my high school job at Pizza Hut. I can still remember answering the phone over and over, Hunterhorn Pizza Hut, this is Nicole speaking, have you heard about our five-buck deal? Buy the first medium pizza at regular price, and the next three are only five bucks each! Then you would ultimately have to explain to grown people that no, you cannot pay regular price for a plain cheese pizza and then get a pizza loaded with eight toppings for five dollars. Then sixteen-year-old me, being paid $4.50 an hour, would be chastised over the phone by grown people who were too cheap to pay the extra three dollars for all the toppings that they wanted. Good times.

The boys have been in karate camp this week, which has been very enjoyable, albeit busier than normal, ironically. I think it’s all the extra driving, but on the upside it has given me a chance to think about an interesting piece I read about the most widely mocked character in Jane Austen’s books – Mrs. Bennett.

Are you a Jane Austen fan? I first read Pride and Prejudice when I was in a first-year English class in university, and I remember being immediately hooked. I loved everything about it; I loved the witty writing, I loved the little rituals and rules of society, and most of all I was interested in the economic situation of ladies of a certain standing. I was, after all, an economics student.

What fascinated me – and still fascinates me – is the idea of marriage as a financial decision. I suppose it can be true today as well, but imagine! Imagine spending your entire life learning to play the pianoforte or paint a half-decent picture, learning needlework and the art of conversation, and going for long walks on your property, and THAT IS IT. After spending your youth in that way, the best thing that could possibly happen would be for you to marry a man of means, because you would have absolutely no way of making those means yourself. This is especially true if, like the Bennett girls, you were going to be essentially homeless upon the death of your father, having absolutely no property and very little money of your own. This is also what happened to the Dashwood women in Sense and Sensibility. This is probably what happened to countless women at the time; if they were not fortunate enough to marry well – or even semi-well – they would be sentenced to a life of poverty and dependency on the goodwill of their friends and family.

The author of the article disparages the elder Bennett girls for being too accepting of their fate, but in all honesty, what else could they do? They could rail about it as much as poor maligned Mrs. Bennett, but nothing would change – in fact, if they did rail about it, their chances of making a decent match would probably be obliterated. To be honest, both Mrs. and Mr. Bennett are ridiculous, in my opinion, as they spent money like it was going out of style, never saving a whit, because they figured that they would have a male heir. Talk about rolling the dice and making it rain, elder Bennetts.

So as I was driving back and forth to karate camp, I was thinking about this and wondering – as one does – what I would do in such an era. Sometimes it is difficult to be honest with yourself, like when you spend your life thinking you’re Jo March and really realizing that you are Amy.

But as I thought about myself in terms of Pride and Prejudice, I came to a disturbing realization; I am not a feisty, witty, Elizabeth Bennett. I am not sweet, beautiful Jane, either. No, the character that I am most like is Charlotte Lucas. Charlotte Lucas, the cringe-worthy lady who takes Elizabeth’s leavings and snaps up the pathetic, boring, lame Mr. Collins. Charlotte was in her late twenties – way past her prime at the time, and probably had at that time given up all hope that she would ever have a home of her own, instead living in her parents’ house until she would ultimately be dependent on the kindness and duty of others until the sweet release of death.

I am an extremely practical person. I do not make emotional decisions, I plan carefully and think things through to the logical end. I am in no way a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants girl, I am a planner and a rational decision-maker. Maybe it’s the economist in me; rational behaviour is a common term in economics and it describes my life decisions. And so, I startled myself by realizing that if I was given the choice between semi-destitution and becoming Mrs. Collins, I would gear myself up for a lifetime of listening to those “little compliments ladies enjoy” and endless praise for “my benefactress, Lady Catherine.”

Introspection is a bitch, sometimes, isn’t it?

Menu for when it’s too hot to cook, and things I don’t understand.

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I’m not trying to make any political statements here, honestly, but there is something I really do not understand. In the past week, I have seen three separate writings about the horrors of cargo shorts and I have to ask my dear readers: why? Why are cargo shorts such reviled things? I’m asking honestly here, since I am not a person who likes shorts to begin with, and I fail to see much difference between regular shorts and cargo shorts. Shorts, in my humble opinion, are unflattering at the best of times but I recognize that occasionally practicality must prevail. Just like giant puffy coats in winter, sometimes shorts are a necessary evil to survival in the summer. Not, I hastily add, for me, but for others.

Well, I say this, but I actually have a pair of booty shorts that I will occasionally don when it is very hot and I don’t want to completely dehydrate while doing my cardio workout. I have not yet worn them off my own property yet, to be viewed by people not related or married to me, but I do wear them on occasion nonetheless. Again, reiterating, the need for practicality sometimes – SOMETIMES – surpasses the desire to be fashionable.

Back to cargo shorts. Why are they any different from regular shorts? Sure, they have huge pockets, but aren’t pockets a thing we enjoy in life? At least I enjoy being able to carry things with me, not unlike a turtle. My overstuffed purse is testament to this.

I guess I just don’t understand. I also don’t understand the hate for Nickleback, which probably says something about me. Hey, I understand not liking certain bands or musical genres – not everything floats everyone’s musical boats. I just don’t understand the vitriol towards them, or, seemingly relatedly, cargo shorts.

But I am open to (reasonable) debate on those topics.

I will tell you one thing that I don’t understand the seemingly universal love and infatuation with: the poop emoji. Last week when I was at the local amusement park with the kids, I noticed that the majority of the large prizes at the (rigged) games were stuffed poop emojis, replacing the Spongebobs and Pikachus of yesteryear. Why. WHY. Why is this a thing? Why do we want to have our children snuggle with cartoon versions of piles of defecation, or worse, wear those cartoon versions of piles of defecation ON THEIR HEADS.

A smiley face does not counteract the grossness.

A friend (HI JENNIFER) pointed out that there is – and I cannot believe that I am typing this – a “poop emoji cafe” that serves food in toilet shaped bowls, features toilets for chairs, and specializes in chocolate soft serve ice cream someone please stop the madness. I feel ill just thinking about it.

Unless a person is a medical professional specializing in intestinal issues, I do not want to discuss bowel movements. I will talk about facial hair, waxing, ladies’ holidays, and underwear, but this is a bridge too far. What happens in the toilet should stay in the toilet, so let’s pretend that the poop emoji was never invented and instead bring our focus onto the unicorns, diamond rings, coffee, wine, and heart emojis. MAYBE even the taco and/ or eggplant ones if we are feeling saucy and in the mood for sexting, middle-aged style.

Anyway. This is not what I meant to write about today. What I had been meaning to write about was a menu for when it’s too hot to cook. I swear to you that it has actually been – for a couple of days – too hot to cook in Calgary, and that is a thing that is uncommon and rare. My husband took the kids camping on the weekend and for my evening “off” I made a single-girl meal of pesto, guacamole, crackers, dried mangoes, and vodka. It was a thing of beauty. I have an indoor herb garden and the basil was ready to be harvested, and so I made a glorious pesto. I just wish there was more of it! However, I am not suggesting this as a meal plan for everyday.

Lately, when it’s been too hot to cook, I’ve been resorting to simple meals like Greek salad with pita and hummus – for those of you non-dairy types, you can find my recipe for almond feta here. Although, frankly, Greek salad with pita and hummus is on the regular rotation here – it’s a Friday night meal that the guys round out with some sauteed chicken breast.

Other great ideas for simple summer suppers: Lemony Lentil Salad, Sundried Tomato Pasta Salad, Avocado Pasta Salad, and pasta salad with homemade ranch dressing. I also have been making a Thai noodle salad using stir fry noodles, veggies, and a sauce made up of 3 tbsp each soy sauce and rice vinegar, 2 tbsp sesame oil, 1 tbsp each lime juice and brown sugar, with fresh grated ginger and minced garlic, with a spoonful of chili garlic sauce. Veggie wraps (the guys add chicken) are also popular, as are tacos and, of course, barbeque. I am a person who does not use a barbeque because I am terrified of blowing everything up/ burning my hair off, but my husband is quite the griller.

And there is no need to skimp on desserts just because you don’t want to use your oven! Here are some ideas: Avocado Key Lime Pie, Homemade Healthy Fudgsicles, Homemade Dole Whip, Chocolate Covered Strawberries (perfect for the season!), Chunky Monkey Bites, Strawberry Dreamsicles, and YES, I also cannot believe I’m saying this given the political/ emoji climate but HEALTHY CHOCOLATE SOFT-SERVE “NICE” CREAM.

So you see, we have come full circle.

Nicole, the Cruise Director

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Those of you who do not live in places with incredibly unpredictable and volatile climates will not be able to understand my complete and utter joy that it is SUMMER in Calgary. Actual, bonafide summer. Warm – even hot – sunshiny days and calm, beautiful evenings. This is a thing that rarely happens, and it is forecasted to stay this way for at least another ten days. The regular reader, or any Calgarian, will recall last year at this time it was dark, frigidly cold, and rainy. And when I say “cold” I mean that a few daytime highs were eight degrees. Eight.

So it has been beautiful and I am doing what any person might do when faced with beautiful weather in Calgary: assuming that things could change at any time and desperately seizing the day. Carpe diem, and soak up that sunshine.

We have been spending as much time as possible at my parents’ place at the lake, boating and paddleboarding and biking, and also eating and drinking a lot. All that activity requires a lot of replenishment, and let’s not forget to hydrate! The kids have also been swimming, although that is a bridge too far in my opinion, as the lake is very chilly, even with all this sunshine.

I’ve been taking care of our very-good-friends’ kids for the past couple of days, and it has been very fun. It has brought out my inner Cruise Director, in that I am devising activities for the kids to maximize our outdoor time. Of course, they are awesome at finding their own things to do, which is just as well, because there is no need to be Helicopter Cruise Director.

I wonder what it would be like to be a Cruise Director. I’m guessing it would be terrible. In general, I don’t like to rule out whole ideas or paint with one big giant brush, but when I think “cruise ship” I immediately think “epidemiological disaster” or “Norwalk outbreak.” I know, I shouldn’t be close-minded, but still. Imagine contracting the Norwalk virus with only one of those tiny cruise ship bathrooms at your disposal. Ew.

Anyway, the kids have had epic water gun battles, including one with our hose, just like a real “1970s summer.” I don’t think anyone drank out of it though; slurping down warm, rubber-flavoured water is a thing of the past, I guess. They also had a water gun battle at a wading pool, which I thought would be fun and it WAS, albeit slightly nerve-wracking with all the little ones and their moms around. I reiterated the rule that no little kids get shot – or any adults – but I think a few may have gotten caught in the crossfire. Mostly I was just glad I wasn’t one of those moms, because I forgot how anxiety-inducing it is to have very small children toddling uncertainly around water.

The kids also had a day at the local amusement park, which was very fun for everyone involved, including me, since I took a book and read while they went on rides over and over. I guess I was channeling my inner Lazy Cruise Director at that point. And, of course, there were Minecraft and Mario Kart marathons; all in all a fabulous week.