Monthly Archives: August 2014

More Kitchen Love!

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So many sad things happening in the world, and I seem to be coping by not turning the news on, ever, and closing my eyes when I see any link on social media that isn’t a picture of a baby animal or a recipe. It’s maybe not the best coping strategy, but it seems to be working for me.

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We interrupt this program to bring you a picture of Barkley.

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And also a cute pineapple named Piney.

 Also I’m having a lot of solo kitchen dance parties and karaoke parties. I’m blaming it all…on the nights on Broadway! I’m in week two of the Kitchn Cure, and this week was all about appliances. One of the specific tasks was to clean the oven, and to be honest, I think I’ve only cleaned my oven two or three times in my whole life. Not too long ago, I used the self-cleaning function, which was a huge mistake. I spent the hours terrified that the oven would somehow blow up due to excessive heat, and I also did not have the foresight to do this job in the summer, so the entire house was filled with a terrible, choking smell. After the whole process, I expected the oven to be a glossy shrine, but it didn’t look that much different, to be honest. It was no fridge cleaning experience, let me tell you.

Still. I signed up for the Kitchn Cure and the Kitchn Cure I will do, dammit. I bought a fume-free, probably carcinogenic oven cleaning product, followed the directions, and…it looks marginally better. AT LEAST I CAN SAY I CLEANED MY OVEN. I also cleaned the stovetop and hood fan, but you really can’t tell all that much.

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Maybe it was clean enough before.

This week’s assignments were also to clean and evaluate all small appliances, and then BUY  small appliance if needed. I haven’t bought one yet but I am planning to purchase a crockpot in the near future. I know what you’re thinking, you don’t already have one?, and the answer is no, I do not. I know! Just when you thought I had every small appliance in the world except an electric can opener.

Digression: is an electric can opener not the most ridiculous invention ever? How many cans are we opening here, people, to necessitate an electronic process?

In any case, at some point I will be looking for a crockpot, so any advice on what to look for is greatly appreciated. Because talking about cleaning appliances is the most boring thing ever – I’m putting myself to sleep just typing this – I am going to just talk about my favourite small appliances. First, to the left of the stove is my stand mixer, which is a wonderful piece of equipment. What I did without it I do not know. It’s a thing of beauty, and it even has a timer for those recipes that are weirdly exact (“Beat at medium for 3 minutes.”).

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Coffee maker and toaster; I don’t think I need to tell you why they are favourite appliances.

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Food processor and Vitamix.

A few people have asked me if the Vitamix is a worthwhile investment, and my answer is that it depends. For me, it is, because I’m always making weird things like cashew cheese or nut butters or green smoothies that really require a high powered blender. It’s great for soups and sauces as well. However! It is NOT interchangeable with a food processor. If I’m making something thick, like a hummus or a tahini ball or a mousse pie, then I only use the food processor. I just don’t find that the Vitamix does as good of a job getting the consistency right, and also it is a bitch to get thick stuff out of the bottom, around the blade. It’s worthwhile to me to have both because it’s used for 10 smoothies a week, plus a food processor just does not do a good job pulverizing cashews or almonds for creams or cheeses, which is a big thing for me. Before you buy, really evaluate what you want it for, because a blender with less power might work just fine, or a food processor might be a better bet.

The other two appliances that I like, but don’t use enough to justify counter space are my dehydrator and my juicer. They live in my pantry downstairs, and the dehydrator is set up so that I never have to move it. It’s almost that time of the year again, when Concord grapes are in season and my mother-in-law will inevitably gift me with forty pounds worth. Homemade grape fruit leather is pretty much snack ever, and I’m looking forward to that.

Thus ends my discussion of small appliances. So, tell me, what kind of crockpot should I look for? What are your favourite small appliances? How often do YOU clean your oven (i.e., am I disgusting and lazy for almost never doing it?).

The time that seemed as if it would never end seems as if it never was.

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There is exactly one week left of summer vacation, and I have to tell you, I’m a little glum about it. It’s been an epic summer, really, with great weather and lots of sunshine and water and happiness. And I know that I’ll be happy to get back into routine and I’ll be happy to be able to write more than a few words without hearing prolonged discussions about imaginary characters named “Dim Sum” or “Marmoy” – or worse, be asked to watch a YouTube video made by some guy named Blitzwinger who has apparently attained fame and fortune by making videos of himself playing video games and showing his audience cheat codes. I will, however, be unhappy to give up our lazy mornings, and I’m not exactly looking forward to my usual plethora of volunteer activities. But time marches on, and meanwhile I’ll be enjoying this last week of summer.

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Nature walk!

 

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At the top.

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Sunshine.

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We even saw deer, and my dog proved his intelligence by NOT running after them. Way to go, Barkley.

We had been planning this nature walk today, but I was considering just being completely lazy and staying home, for the very valid reason that I’m exhausted today. I am exhausted because of television. Yes. I considered not taking the kids and dog for a walk because I was too tired due to the television show I’ve been watching, just in case you wanted to feel better about your own life decisions.

The thing is, I’ve been watching a miniseries called Sensitive Skin, and I watched the final episode of the season last night. In case you don’t know, the show is about a fiftyish woman having a midlife crisis, and the episode I watched yesterday was so very sad. It was so sad I kept thinking about it, and couldn’t sleep, and then I started thinking about The Good Wife. I know, you’ve been watching The Good Wife for years, but I just started and I’m finding the whole backstory concept to be devastating. She had a perfect marriage and life and house and the whole time her husband was a horrible cheating bastard. So I lay awake last night, my mind flitting between the two shows, wondering why I don’t just stick with watching Downton Abbey and NYPD Blue DVD’s. Watching Sipowitz bust a perp by rolling down the blinds and threatening to beat him to death is much less disturbing, apparently.

My cousin posted a fun game on Facebook, wherein you post your favourite line from a book. Because I am a huge nerd, I immediately ran downstairs to my bookshelves and grabbed an armful of titles. Then I realized that I would completely hijack her account with my ramblings, so why not blog it? Is that not what a blog is for, like a really long Facebook status?

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to be left hanging. I’m going to expose myself to you via favourite quotes, and I hope you can leave your favourite quote(s) in the comments. Let’s make a game of it; I’ll do a random draw…next week? Winner gets a random prize! Prize to be determined, contest closes September 5. It’ll be fun!

Favourite Line Ever: I thought Jem and I would get grown but there wasn’t much else left for us to learn, except possibly algebra. (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Favourite Line About Career Aspirations: Move about after dinner, and meet acquaintance whose name I have forgotten, but connect with literature. I ask if he has published anything lately. He says that his work is not, and never can be, for publication. Thought passes through my mind to the effect that this attitude might with advantage be adopted by many others. (Diary of a Provincial Lady)

Favourite Romantic Line: “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings must not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” (Pride and Prejudice)

Favourite Old-Timey Romantic Line: Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks about how it would take his teeth out now, but he would eat it anyway, if it meant eating it with her. (Five People You Meet In Heaven)

Favourite Line About Motherhood That Goes With My Landslide-y Mood: I had to sleep close beside them at night and sit with them climbing around me in the daytime; my body felt bruised by their knees and elbows and feet. I did think then that it would be lovely to be a woman traveling alone, able to sit after a meal drinking coffee and looking out the window, able to go to the club car and have a drink…now all that time of care and confusion that seemed as if it would never end seems as if it never was. (The Spanish Lady)

SOB.

Your turn: is there a line from a book that affects you so that you close the book and stare at the wall?

Three Things

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After an entire summer of beautiful, sunny, warm weather, it is suddenly cold, dark, and rainy. There are a few red leaves on my Mayday tree, and the heat clicked on this morning. Brrr. I bit the bullet yesterday, and donned socks and ankle boots, instead of the sandals and ballet flats I’ve been wearing all summer. The boys willingly put on their fleece-lined jackets to take the dog for a walk, which is really saying something.

In the face of all this damp chill, tomorrow is my brother’s wedding, and it’s an outdoor ceremony. I have only one thing to say, and that is that outdoor weddings are for the very optimistic, especially in Alberta.

A friend of mine had posted “Three Weird Things” on her Facebook yesterday, and I was suddenly inspired to do the same. I’m going to share three strange facts about myself, and I would love it if you did the same!

1) When I was very young, I apparently thought that growing up was a metamorphic free-for-all, because I wanted to be a flower. Repeat: I wanted to be a flower when I grew up. I can remember feeling actually devastated when I realized that flowers DIE in the winter. Yes, they might be perennial, and they might self-seed, but they DIE. After this terrible realization, I amended my life goals.

2) My favourite childhood treat was Pink Elephant popcorn, which my dad would buy for me when I’d go with him to run errands. I loved those boxes of pink popcorn; pink was my favourite colour and I believe there was also a prize inside.

3) When I was sixteen, I was in a play called “Buried Child”, which was all about incest and infanticide. It was staged at my high school, which seems alarming and unbelievable. I played Shelley, and in one of the scenes I carried a prosthetic leg around. There was an awkward scene where a character shoved his hand in my mouth; thinking of the hygiene of high school boys, I shudder.

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A photo taken from my high school yearbook – I was in rehearsal.

 

Your turn! Tell me three weird things about yourself – the weirder, the better. Can you top wanting to be a flower? xo

Kitchen Love

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I know this isn’t exactly a shocking revelation, but I spend the vast majority of my time in the kitchen. But not barefoot (usually). And not pregnant (definitely). Ever since the Great Kitchen Renovation of 2012, I really love being in my kitchen. It’s so pretty and bright! Someone recently told me that stainless steel appliances and granite countertops are the Harvest Gold appliances and sparkly-laminate countertops of our generation, and while I don’t totally disagree, I am also of the opinion that all home décor dates eventually, so you might as well enjoy what makes you happy now. Unless you live in Downton Abbey, the décor you choose will at some point be used as an archaeological dating method. I mean, think of those country kitchens of the 80s, with duck-themed wallpaper and ruffly curtains. Think of the French Provincial looks of the late 90s. No matter what you think will be a timeless classic, odds are it won’t. This is a public service announcement for “living in the now”.

Here’s me making coconut whipped cream in my kitchen. See? It’s pretty!

So, I love my kitchen but there are elements I don’t love, some of which are changeable, and some of which are not. I wish it was bigger, for example, but that would entail moving house and that’s not something I want to do at this time. I hate how my miscellaneous drawer gets jammed because of all the stuff I mindlessly throw in there; this is something I CAN change. I hate how my spice cupboard is a jumble of jars and random containers; also changeable.

So I signed up for The Kitchn Cure to refresh and reorganize my kitchen a little.

Week One: Clean out the freezer and fridge.

Not to be boasty, but I recently obtained a full size, upright freezer and extra fridge and it has changed my life. For the longest time, I hemmed and hawed over getting a fridge and freezer for downstairs, until finally my husband got tired of me sobbing while jamming frozen foods into the freezer compartment of my regular fridge, and went out and bought them. Life altering. I can now batch cook! And buy giant bags of frozen berries at Costco! And put extra vegetables in the fridge instead of having to run out for groceries three times in a five day span! The only reason I bring this up is that I do not need to clean out my freezer, since it’s relatively new and unsullied. Look!

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See, it hasn’t had a chance to become messy and disorganized and YES those are frozen chicken fingers. What? Like I’m the only person who feeds my kids frozen chicken fingers on a Friday night. The week is long, people.

But cleaning the fridge was another story altogether. I’ve halfheartedly wiped down shelves and drawers in the two years since the Great Kitchen Renovation, but I’ve never done a really deep cleaning.

Exhibit A: Fridge Before Cleaning

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It’s not terrible. It’s a little jumbled. There are crumbs and grubbiness, but not too bad. Also – it is not on an angle, that’s my photography.

My assignment was to take everything out, clean all shelves and drawers, throw out anything that was bad, and put everything back in neatly. Now, my fridge was mid-cycle, grocery wise, so it wasn’t as full or as empty as it could be. I did the same for the freezer compartment. I washed everything and scrubbed everything and put it all back in…

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There was caramel goop on the bottom of that shelf that is not there any more.

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Usually there is a juice carton in that door; like I said, mid-cycle.

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I’m not sure if you can appreciate it from this picture, but oh my god you guys, the fridge is so clean.

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The crispers and the meat/cheese drawer were the worst in terms of gross crumbs that had fallen in from everywhere. Pepper seeds, old garlic peels, random twist ties. ALL GONE AND ALL CLEAN.

I did the same for the freezer compartment, but the pictures do not really look any different. Trust me, it’s way more organized and clean.

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Also? That fruit blend makes the best smoothies.

Lessons Learned From Week One: Kitchn Cure

1) I am completely obsessive. I can’t stop looking at the clean fridge. I keep opening the fridge just to gaze at the contents. My husband put a bottle of barbeque sauce into the fridge and I quietly went in and moved it. This has got to stop, but for now, I’m pretty excited about it.

2) I do a pretty good job of using up the food that I buy. In other words, all that obsessive menu planning and list-making has paid off. There was very little waste and very little to throw out. Here is what I threw out of my fridge during The Great Cleaning: a jar of strawberry jam from 2011 that had 1/2 inch of jam in it, a two-inch long dried out piece of ginger, a carton of vanilla almond milk that had about 1/4 cup in it, 1/3 of a very soft cucumber, and two empty Ziploc bags.

3) I have a bad habit of putting things in the freezer and then forgetting about them. Case in point: in the freezer I found a package of bagels, 6 bags that each contained one single pita, and a bag containing five freezer burned hot dog buns. I composted the buns, and vowed not to buy any more pita or bagel until the frozen ones have been consumed. I also found two packages of hot dogs that had each contained three freezer burned hot dogs, which ended up in the garbage.

I snuck a peek at this week’s assignments, and one of them is all about small appliances. Squee, this will be fun!

Super Controversial Opinions

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Last weekend we went to see Guardians of the Galaxy, where I found out that there is a 20 year anniversary screening of Forrest Gump, and also a remake of Annie. This is delightful news on all fronts. Forrest Gump was probably my favourite movie of the nineties; best scene ever was the one from the Black Panther party, with Hey Joe blaring in the background. And Annie – what’s not to love? A modern day remake that still includes Hard Knock Life? I’m sure it’s controversial but I say bring it on.

Guardians of the Galaxy, though. We seldom see movies in the theatre, and even more seldom do I enjoy those movies. For every delight like The Lego Movie, there’s a snore-fest like Man of Steel, or a movie that’s completely baffling and incomprehensible to me, like Thor. Going to the movies as a family means that the movies are almost always way too violent and action-y for my taste. But Guardians of the Galaxy was funny and entertaining, with a great soundtrack and a surprising revelation. Chris Pratt, shirtless. In that all-too-brief scene, I actually gasped, and then looked at my husband. I think he’s been working out I whispered loudly. Whatever his workout regime is, it seems to be effective. This is not Parks and Rec.

Speaking of excellent soundtracks, today marks the 37th anniversary of Elvis’ death, and although I think it’s a little creepy to commemorate a celebrity’s passing, I always remember that. I know it’s controversial, but in my opinion his greatest song ever was Suspicious Minds, followed closely by Kentucky Rain and Always On My Mind. Fat sweaty jumpsuit-and-cape-wearing Elvis is much, much greater than fit, leather-pant-wearing Elvis. I’ve always loved all his music, though. I remember taping songs from records onto cassettes, using the family’s crappy old tape recorder. When I was 11 I read Elvis and Me until it fell apart. Does anyone else remember the made-for-TV movie, Elvis and Me? I was obsessed with it. Wait…I just googled it and it’s available on YouTube!  Beehive hairdos for the win.

Other Controversial Opinions I Hold

Making The Bed

I cannot sleep in an unmade bed. I don’t need hospital corners, but I do need the sheets, blankets, and duvet to be pulled up nice and neat every day. I also need to have the pillow shams on the pillows and decorative pillows on the bed during the day or my equilibrium is disturbed.

Richard Scarry

Richard Scarry is my favourite children’s book author. My favourite book as a child was Busy Busy World, and the kids have a library of his books, although they don’t read them anymore. I’m sure there’s something unsavoury about him – there seems to be something you don’t want to know about every children’s author – but I love his books and illustrations. I also used to love when the kids would watch Busytown Mysteries when they were small.

When Harry Met Sally Contains The Answer To All Of Life’s Problems

When in doubt, ask for it on the side. They don’t make Sunday underpants. Men and women can never really be friends. It’s really fun to say Waiter, there is too much pepper in my paprikash.

That “Have Sex Every Day” Lady Is Crazy

Every day? Seriously? We aren’t teenagers anymore, people. I’m tired just thinking about it! Doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder (but not too much absence!). Hey, my husband is the sexiest guy ever. He’s a zillion times sexier than shirtless Chris Pratt. And yet, EVERY DAY? No.

Puppies Are Cuter Than Kitties

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Now. Here comes your part – where do you stand on these controversial issues? Don’t worry, we can still be friends, even if we disagree! xo

Wardrobe Malfunction

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In case you’re wondering how scintillating I really am, let me tell you about my recurring dream in which I am folding laundry. That is all that I do in the dream; fold laundry. Even my dream self gets bored as I patiently fold shirts, towels, etc., and sort them into neat piles. Sometimes I’m able to wake myself up, like a person having a nightmare, by saying to my dream-self you’re having that boring dream again – wake up! Unfortunately, when I go back to sleep I often have my second recurring dream in which I’m making soup. Just me, stirring a large Dutch oven full of soup. Often the soup in question is eggplant soup, and sometimes I wonder if I should leave it chunky or puree it, and then I get out my blender. At this point I usually wake up.

If dreams indeed do mean anything at all, I wonder what these say about me. I’m afraid it wouldn’t be flattering.

But who needs exciting, anyway? The house has enough excitement without ME being a thrill-a-minute. While we were on vacation, I realized – not for the first time, nor for the last – that my husband truly is the fun parent. He’s the one cannonballing into the pool with the kids while I lazily float by, only in the water long enough to cool off before resuming my poolside book reading. He’s the one who could spend hours with them playing in the wave pool while I need to go warm up in the hot tub after ten minutes. He’s the one who takes them on epic bike rides and stages legendary water fights while I drink wine and gossip with my mother.

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Me, hanging out lazily while my husband takes the kids on an epic ride in the utility vehicle.

It might be weird having two fun parents anyway; I mean, someone has to be the grim-faced harridan who oversees sunscreen application and adequate hydration and proper nutrition even while on holiday. So that someone might as well be me.

On occasion, I can be actually fun. I will go down any waterslide at a water park, I will go on any rollercoaster, and I even buy the kids the occasional sno cone or cotton candy, considering that all that sugar and food colouring is PROBABLY okay in moderation. We were at a very fun aquatic centre while on vacation, and the kids had a blast. They finished the afternoon by jumping off the diving board several times, and they urged me to join them. I declined, but then started to think that maybe I should. I should TRY to be fun, I want the kids to remember me as being occasionally adventurous and cool. I watched my husband do a spin jump off the diving board, to cheers from them, and so I decided yes. I hadn’t jumped off a diving board in thirty years but dammit, I can be fun too, I thought. I removed my hair band, patted my braid into place, and stepped onto the diving board. I jumped, then swam to the side. My husband looked at me for a moment, then informed me that my bikini top had not stayed where it was supposed to. Wardrobe malfunction! I fixed it and said that I hoped no one witnessed my embarrassment. He was silent for a moment, while I was briefly encouraged that I was right, that no one saw my nipple. Eventually he broke it to me; several people, including the lifeguards and the parents at the side of the pool, DID see. Oh.

Fun and exciting, it’s overrated. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some laundry to fold.

Honey, I’m Home!

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I’ve had nearly two weeks of vacation – here, there, and everywhere – and I’m basking in the feeling of accomplishment that can only be achieved by unpacking everything, starting laundry, and grocery shopping. I am a person who needs to unpack immediately upon setting foot in the house. I get tense at the mere thought of unpacked suitcases, partially-emptied toiletry cases, and mountains of laundry which makes me a joy to be around. In related news, a very dear friend JUST emailed me about woolen dryer balls, knowing that I would enjoy that information in a hausfrau kind of way. And I do! I do enjoy household tips because I am apparently – and non-ironically – some kind of Heloise person.

The vacation itself was lovely, full of sun, water, and many alcoholic beverages. Also related: I need to go on a cleanse. Travel was smooth but profanity-laced, as always with any kind of road trip that my husband undertakes. In general, I tend to sing to myself while staring out the window blankly like David Putty and the airplane seatback, while my husband says things like “Mother-FUCKER. Get off the goddamn road, you cock-sucking moron. What the FUCK. No, don’t use your signal, you ASSHOLE.” Repeat as needed. It seems that the drivers that enrage him the most are: a) people who drive under the speed limit on two-lane roads and curves, but speed up so as to be unpassable while in passing zones, b) people who are doing a) while driving gargantuan recreational vehicles, and c) people who do not use their signal lights while changing lanes.

I actually became concerned about his blood pressure, what with all the swearing, however, he assured me that such vehement exclamations actually lowered his blood pressure and made him feel better. I myself feel that this is a zero-sum game, since my stress level seems to be affected by this, in what I call “Post Traumatic Swearing Contractor Syndrome“. I should probably mention that my children during these times are either completely oblivious due to their headphones, or extremely sympathetic. “That guy is a bad driver, right Dad?”

Also – I don’t know how it is in your house but my husband likes to make “good time”. On the way to my in-laws’ he decided that he had a goal to get there by noon. This goal was established at about 11:00 am, and was achieved, but not without much profanity. I tried to convince everyone in the car that no one was expecting us that early, and anyway arriving at 12:10 or even 12:30 would still be excellent, but no. We arrived at 11:59 and piled out of the car, where I immediately took my father-in-law up on his offer of a frosty alcoholic beverage.

I have many more tales to tell, but someone around here (ME) needs to make dinner before the kids get back from karate. Hey, when you leave at 5:30 in the morning, the happy result is that you have much of the day ahead of you when you arrive at your destination, and the kids were able to “relax” Frank Underwood-style for a while before heading to their class. I need to figure out how to incorporate zucchini into everything. My dear mother-in-law is the type of generous person who, when you say you like something, gives you massive amounts of that item. So, when I said “Sure, I’d love a couple of zucchinis!” I received twenty-one, in varying sizes. Fellow zucchini-lovers, please tune into Yummy Mummy Club over the next few weeks as I deal with my surplus zucchini.

Speaking of vegetables, on the way home I initiated our usual game of “Let’s pretend we’re 1970s truckers; what would be your CB name?” I chose Red Pepper for myself but then had to continually explain my choice, which was disappointing and tedious. What would you choose? Please tell me, I’ve missed this blog terribly!