Monthly Archives: April 2014

Sparkly Unicorns

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Over the past six weeks or so, the kids’ classes have been doing something that I think is pretty cool and interesting, and also indicative of how very different this city is than when I was growing up. Each student chose a tradition that their family celebrates, wrote up a paper or made a poster or Power Point presentation about it, and presented it to the class. Not unlike when the classes did their Olympic celebration, it was a real showcase to the multiculturalism and diversity in our school. Predictably, there were a number of Christmas projects – my own two chose that, in fact – but there were also a large number of Ramadan and Eid projects, Chinese New Year projects, the Moon Festival, and even a Diwali and a Greek Easter.

Then, last week the classes had a potluck celebration, in which students were able to contribute traditional foods from their home countries and whoa, nelly. The buck stops here. Now, there were all sorts of delicious contributions planned: biryami and dumplings, baklava and samosas, tacos and pakodas, and many, many more items. I was a little worried, though. You see, I was eager to contribute but I was at a loss as to what to contribute. The children are a mix of Norwegian, Scottish, Slovakian, English, and German heritage. Lutefisck? Haggis? Sausage? Bangers and mash? Some kind of Slovakian food? Nothing sounded appealing to me in the least until finally I decided on gingersnaps. They were my grandma’s recipe, and I make them every Christmas, so…traditional food in our house?

They were apparently popular at the potluck, but as it turned out one of Mark’s friends had brought haggis. Mark tried, and loved it, which goes to show that you really, really never know what life has in store for you.

Speaking of what life has in store for you, if you’re ever feeling down or low in the self esteem department, may I suggest checking out your “other” messages on your Facebook account? These are messages that can be sent to you by random people, and it’s pretty funny. Clearly, there are many men who are looking for love in all the wrong places. Or, perhaps, they are under the impression that if they send enough random women extraordinarily flattering messages, that they will get lucky, like a blind squirrel getting a nut. Here are a few of the gems that I have received in the past few months from strange men apparently looking for entrance into Canada:

“wow you have a lovely smile and i couldn’t stop staring at your beautiful face. i just want to be a friend. i hope you accept my friendship. have a lovely day.”

“hi nicole just to say you look so pretty have a nice day xx :)”

“Hello, I am Oscar. I am 45 year old and i am italian live California. I came across your profile and it would be my pleasure if we can be close friends…”

But my favourite is the one that informs me – via Facebook – that I am the sole next of kin due to inherit $15.5 million dollars from a fellow who shares my last name and has, sadly, died on 8th of May 2011 as a result of a natural disasters of high winds and torrential rains which capsized the boat he boarded and caused the unfortunate deaths of 36 persons including him. Very dramatic indeed! All I need to do is provide some personal information and the money will be in my account tout de suite. It’s too bad that “Charles Dickson, Esquire” misspelled “administrator” in his letter or I would be all over that.

But even more entertaining than Facebook weirdos is the wide variety of internet search terms used for this blog. “Naked Shuffleboard” is a popular one, which makes me wonder what exactly is going on in seniors’ homes these days. Also popular in the past week are the following: “Carlos Santana wife naked”, “wet clothing girls in pond”, and “huge boner”. This must be disappointing for the searchers in question. On a less pornographic note are the following search terms: “whos the girl in the pajama jeans commercial”, “my favourite sweaterdress”, and “what kind of clock is in the diary of a wimpy kid”.

To answer that last question, I don’t KNOW. I’m not even sure a clock features strongly in any of the books but hey, I do tend to blank out a bit when I’m reading those atrocities with the kids. Maybe there is a clock of importance, I do not know.

I also cannot help with the pajama jeans commercial, although I do want to draw your attention to a new product that I happened to see an informercial for: J-Animals. Or, possibly, J-Amimals, since it’s spelled both ways on the website. I’m assuming the latter is a typo. Anyway, this product is a “wearable stuffed animal”. The pajamas are converted from a stuffed animal, and there are five different styles to choose from, to fit people aged 5 to 105. I’m between 5 and 105! Maybe I’ll order a unicorn, photograph myself wearing that, and just wait for the Facebook offers of love to pour in. People love unicorns, am I right?

jaminals

 

 

Nicole’s Favourite Things: Spring Cleaning Edition

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I just walked the dog without gloves on, this morning I had to put sunglasses on for my drive home from the yoga shala at 6:35 am, and there are buds on the trees, people. Buds. It’s spring!

It’s also supposed to snow this weekend, which is another sign of spring in the city, albeit a less pleasant one.

Let’s circle back. Spring! Which leads us to spring cleaning. My mother used to do massive spring cleaning every year: washing walls and windows, shampooing carpets, the whole thing. My mother-in-law told me once that HER mother-in-law used to wash walls monthly. In the kindest way, she said “That’s just too much. Once every three or four months is sufficient.” I know she was trying to put me at ease, so I didn’t reply that I never wash walls unless they are to be painted immediately, and often not even then. But I do a kind of spring cleaning: purging closets – although mine is still in “Lululemon avalanche mode” even after a major purge, which indicates that I probably have too many clothes – cleaning cupboards, throwing out expired medicine and sunscreen. This year I had to do even more than that because of the receipt of my new downstairs fridge and freezer.

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My pantry shelves AFTER the grand purging and reorganization. This would be a much more dramatic photo if I had thought to take a before photo.

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My new fridge and freezer! I love them. I can grocery shop and not have to tearfully shove produce around. Also, I can have cold beer AND food at the same time!

 

Nicole’s Favourite Things: Spring Cleaning Edition

Is it weird to have a Favourite Things dedicated to spring cleaning? I don’t actually mind cleaning; it’s not like I’m vacuuming in my pearls and heels or anything, but I find it satisfying to have a clean, tidy house. And there’s something nice about switching flannel sheets for regular cotton ones, and taking the extra blankets off the beds, and putting the winter gear away even if it’s going to snow this weekend and we need to take it back out.

Donate and Recycle

Enough about the potential snow. Isn’t it rewarding to clear out boxes and bags of old toys, books, and clothing? There’s always someone who can use them. If you’re like me, though, you can go through the purge with no issues but then forget to drop off the donations, instead leaving them in a giant pile at the bottom of your stairs. And by “your” I mean “my”. Luckily, if you’re in Calgary, there are a number of agencies that do regular pickups: I often donate my items to the Diabetes Association or the Alberta Association for Community Living.

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I’m 95% of the way there!

Gardening

This weekend the guys and I did a lot of raking and garden clean up. To me, this is the most satisfying thing about spring, cleaning up piles of dead leaves and plants, and noting the tenacious little sprigs of green underneath. Some people swear by doing this in the fall, but I find that insufficient plant cover leads to dead plants in the spring, and so this is what part of my yard looked like, pre-clean-up.

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This is now the view from my kitchen window.

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You’ll have to trust me on this: it looks better and greener. It’s all relative. Note that my windows really need cleaning, which leads us to…

White Vinegar

Vinegar is my favourite. I use vinegars in cooking, but white vinegar is the best, and cheapest, cleaning product out there. My friend Dawn wrote this list over at Yummy Mummy Club, and I agree with it all, and more. I use vinegar and water to clean the hardwood, the bathroom floor, windows, kitchen appliances, shower doors, and cupboards. Once in a while I heat up a cup or two of vinegar in the microwave, and add a drop of dish detergent to it, and it cleans away all soap scum. You can also use it in place of bleach to shine your sink, a la the Fly Lady. Just don’t go overboard shining your sink, like Hannah did. It can only lead to madness in the end.

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See how clean the shower doors are?

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The sink, the mirror, JUST NOT THE GRANITE. Do not use vinegar on granite! Also please ignore the burned out lightbulb.

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Vinegar works on tiles too.

Hair and Beauty

I know a lot of people who wash their hair with apple cider vinegar and swear by it. Well, I’ve never tried that, but I have put coconut oil on my dry, processed ends and it works a dream. Of course, you need to really shampoo it out afterwards. I am currently in love with Herbal Essences Bye-Bye Breakage, because my hair is pretty breakage prone (see also: dry and processed). It smells a lot like that shampoo from the 70s, Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific, which is probably why I like it so much. I like to use it and then ask my husband if my hair smells terrific. He does not understand the reference. Usually he just nods. It’s fun living with me!

Further to turning 39 and being on the slow boat to 40, I bought myself Olay Total Effects Foaming Face Cleanser and I have to say, after two days of using it, I do feel like I have “glowing, younger looking skin”. Generally I’m slightly skittish about buying new face products but I think this one is a winner!

Internal Cleansing

I’m not talking about clearing your mind and Ommmmm Shanti, although that’s a good idea. I’m talking about digestive cleansing. Don’t worry! I’m not going to suggest seasonal colonics or anything gross like that. As I mentioned before, I was having trouble buttoning my jeans after my hedonistic vacation alcohol and chip consumption. Since I’ve been home, though, I’ve been having a green smoothie every day for lunch, and voila! Pants are now button-able. I’m also trying my hand at juicing these days, which is very fun and tasty, although the juice I made today – featuring an excessive amount of Swiss chard – tasted exactly like 1970s-style health food. Back to the drawing board and stay tuned! Excellent, non-grass-tasting juice recipes are coming soon to a blog near you!

Wow, was this the most boring, housewifey post I’ve ever written? Possibly. Let’s make things a bit more interesting, how about a giveaway? Leave a comment and let me know if you spring clean, or if you like smoothies or juice, or, well, whatever. Just say hi! Giveaway closes April 30. Prize to be determined! Maybe a 4L jug of white vinegar! I kid. It will be much less functional and practical than that!

39 Clues…about being 39

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Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 39. It’s the start of my last year in my thirties! Some people feel gloomy on their birthdays, but not me. I love birthdays, and also, I don’t want to be dead, which is the alternative to aging. Bring on the age, I say! One step closer to shuffleboard, slacks, plastic jewelry, and sexually harassing young male orderlies in the Home. I also think that birthdays are the day to party, caramba, fiesta, forever, and to also wear tiaras.

tiara

Thanks to my friend Rebecca and her girls for bringing it, tiara-style.

 

With the vantage point of being 39 and one day, I give you my list of 39 random thoughts about being 39.

1) I like the way “39” sounds. Not quite middle-aged, but old enough to OWN these forehead wrinkles.

2) I feel way more healthy and attractive than I did twenty years ago.

3) I’m confident enough to rock a bikini, which I didn’t do twenty years ago.

4) Still, I would like the girls to be more like they were twenty years ago, if I’m being honest. Gravity and age has been hard on my poor deflated rack.

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Ah, youth. Remember drinking before going to the bar? It was all about economics.

 

5) This would be why I’m a Victoria Secret devotee. I need all the engineering I can get.

6) I think I have better style now than I did twenty years ago, but that might be due to the fact that twenty years ago I was wearing high waisted jeans and bodysuits.

Pirate

And puffy pirate shirts.

7) Letting my hair go more than six weeks between colours is disastrous, not only for the inch long grey roots, but because the rest of my hair resembles orange straw.

8) Every morning I check my chin for long black hairs.

9) Despite checking every morning, every once in a while I will notice a one-inch black hair under my chin that wasn’t there the day before.

10) Although the whole world drools over Don Draper, the man I find most attractive on Mad Men is Henry Francis. And also, disturbingly, Jim Cutler.

11) In a similar vein, I find Mike the most attractive man on Breaking Bad.

12) I feel disappointed in a motherly sort of way when I think of Jesse. I do not find him attractive in the least.

13) I recently referred to Chris Evans as a “very nice looking young man”.

14) It’s been 25 years since my first viewing of Say Anything, and I still kind of identify with Diane Court. I AM a show pony, after all.

15) While at the salon on Friday, getting my grey roots and orange straw hair coloured, I read People magazine and realized – not for the first time – that I don’t know any of today’s hot new celebrities. Celebrities featured in People that I did recognize: George Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, and Boo the Pomeranian.

16) I am older than Sally Albright, Mrs. Robinson, and Princess Diana when she died.

17) Of all fictional movie characters, I most identify with Sally Albright, even if I have a few years on her. This is especially true of the way I order food in restaurants. “On the side” is a very big thing for me.

18) My husband took the winter tires off my minivan and put on the fanciest rims you have ever seen on a minivan. My ride has been pimped, as they say. It’s like I’m having a midlife crisis, minivan style.

19) Because of these hot new rims, I feel like I’m going to be the bitchin-est mom at pickup. I already kind of look like this guy when I’ve got the beats going, but with a minivan.

20) Damn. It feels good to be a gangster.

21) My husband says I am the easiest person to buy gifts for, because I’m hysterically excited at just the thought of gifts.

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Presents presents presents!

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PRESENTS!

 

22) This was exemplified by my squealing excitement at the receipt of a dish towel from my children. But then, it was this dish towel, so that’s pretty amazing.

 

pi

Easy as Pi! There’s even a graphic of a double cone. I’m sure there are some reading this who knew me in high school, and so “Conics Goddess” may have some meaning for those readers.

 

23) Last year I received a dehydrator and this year I received a juicer, and I am absolutely thrilled to receive kitchen appliances as gifts.

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But then, I guess I’ve always been excited about receiving kitchen appliances.

24) I am old enough to see not only fashions from my childhood back in style, but also from my teen years. I’m too old to wear them though, so I guess I will leave the bubble skirts and gladiator sandals to the young people.

25) I use terms like “young people”.

26) When I read magazines that have those “Beauty At Any Age” articles, I flip to “In Your 40’s” because the advice for “In Your 30’s” feels a bit irrelevant. I feel like my fertile years are greatly in the past (knock wood).

27) I cannot blame my children anymore if I’m tired.

28) I cannot watch movies that are sad, scary, or violent.

29) I did, however, recently watch Love Story on a plane, and was struck by my teenage resemblance to a young Ali MacGraw. It must be the eyebrows.

 alimacgraw copy

eyebrows2

29) I spend a great deal of effort plucking those eyebrows because these days, they would make me look less like Ali MacGraw and more like Martin Scorsese. See also: chin hair.

30) I can remember the song lyrics to practically every song I’ve ever heard, yet I need to write down “put out garbage” every second Monday.

31) I feel vaguely shocked when I hear of people going out at nine pm, even though I know I once did that too.

32) To me, a perfect evening sounds like watching Downton Abbey in my pajamas with a bottle of wine.

33) Only on weekends though, because I had one measly drink on Sunday night and my Monday morning yoga practice felt like I had turned into the Tin Man.

34) Speaking of which, I’ve never watched The Wizard of Oz the whole way through because it freaked me out as a child and it freaks me out now. Tornadoes, flying monkeys, general creepiness.

35) I actually said to my husband, when we were spring cleaning and getting rid of old toys, that “maybe we should keep that for our grandchildren”.

36) I don’t actually want grandchildren until my kids are 30 or so.

37) I point out pretty girls to my husband, who tells me that it is not normal to tell your husband “Look at that girl! She’s hot!”

38) I have friends who really get me, and every day I am awash in appreciation for them. You know who you are, you ladies who make me laugh and smile and think about things, you who I see daily and you who I only see a few times a year but it’s as if no time has passed, you who read my blog and you who try my recipes. I love you all! xoxo

39) Every day, I can’t believe how lucky I am. My family, my life, it all feels charmed. I’m filled with gratitude for every year and I’m excited for the years to come.

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Lucky, lucky me!

 

Looking down on creation

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Lately Mark has been quite preoccupied with the idea of growing up, and the logistics about how things work in the world. He wants to know how, exactly, does one buy a car, for example. How does one choose an apartment and how does one pay for an apartment? Do apartments come with furniture or does one need to bring their own furniture to an apartment, and if the latter, how is the furniture transported to said apartment? Can one choose paint colours in an apartment and are dogs allowed? How does one get an engineering job? How does one know what classes to take in order to become an engineer? And so on.

It’s really fun, these conversations. We have been talking a lot about university life, as well, and I’ve been trying to impress upon them how much fun it is and how there are hundreds of interesting courses to choose from. My memories of university are nearly all rosy; I loved being a student so much. I loved choosing courses, and attending lectures; I loved writing papers and exams and I loved the general feeling of university life. I loved how intense the days of exams were and I loved the relaxed feeling and having beer and nachos in the bar after the exams were completed. I loved taking step aerobics classes in the university gym and I loved the days that were warm enough to sit on the grassy hills, studying. I loved the packing-it-all-in feeling of spring and summer courses and I loved the quiet starriness of the early morning campus in the dead of winter.

I remember how I felt when I graduated. I felt like I was on top of the world, I felt like I could do anything and be anything and I could change the world. I want my children to experience that same feeling. Some people take issue with new graduates and their cheerful optimism, but I think there’s enough time in our lives to become grizzled old cynics.

In part, that’s why I’m finding the recent stabbing deaths of five University of Calgary students so hard to deal with. Never mind that I got two degrees from the University of Calgary, never mind that the stabbings took place only a few blocks from my house, in my much-loved neighbourhood. I cannot stop thinking of the families – not only of the victims, who had their whole lives ahead of them – but of the accused. I can’t stop thinking about how they probably felt, celebrating the end of classes, like they were on top of the world, like they could do anything and be anything.

Get Off My Lawn

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Ever since I complained about my too-tight-post-vacation pants, my Facebook feed has been full of advertisements regarding the most efficient way to get rid of belly fat, the one simple exercise to rid myself of belly fat, the one surprising food to avoid to eliminate belly fat, and ways to become bikini ready in just ten days. Well, thanks, Facebook, but I think I’m good now. My pants fit again so you can go back to advertising whatever it was you advertised before (Yoga studios? Clothing stores? Makeup? I don’t really know.).

How was your weekend? Mine started off by the delivery of a new freezer and fridge for the basement; their chilliness warms my food-hoarding little heart. I am beyond excited to be able to buy tons of produce and not have to play Tetris to get it all to fit in my fridge, and now I have an actual honest-to-God freezer to freeze things instead of jamming things into the beer-fridge-sized freezer and the compartment on my fridge, breaking my nails, and crying. The receipt of these items meant that my husband and I had a lot of reorganizing/ purging/ moving things/ swearing to do in order to make everything fit. It turns out that we have differing opinions on what sort of things are appropriate to keep – old golf how-to manuals versus a box of old fridge magnets – and that if a dumpster were in the neighbourhood, I should not leave the house lest my husband gets hold of my boxes of old Christmas cards and the kids’ old art projects. Not that I’m really a hoarder – I happily packed up many boxes and bags of things to be donated/ recycled/ garbaged – but it turns out my husband is much more brutal in his spring cleaning efforts than I am. I AM NOT GETTING RID OF THE FRIDGE MAGNETS AND ART PROJECTS.

Anyway, after the excitement of the new appliances, then there was the excitement of Mad Men! I sternly told the boys to shower and read their books in silence, because I had been waiting for ten months to watch this show and sssshhhhhhh. I will say this: it did not disappoint. I was struck, watching the scenes on the plane, by how much air travel has changed in the past 40-50 years. It used to seem so glamourous; now it’s all about watching your seatmate grossly eat Cheezies and drunkenly pass out beside you.

So that brings us to Monday morning. Apparently it is Bermuda Shorts Day today, which, if you did not go to the University of Calgary and are therefore in the dark why a) anyone would wear Bermuda shorts and b) why that would occur in April in Calgary, here is a little background information for you. Basically, it boils down to the last day of classes being celebrated by much drunken debauchery. The reason I know that it is Bermuda Shorts Day today is that I live in walking distance to the university, and while I was peacefully folding clothes I looked out the window and saw hordes of students in various ridiculous shorts-based outfits, walking down the street, beers and red Solo cups in hand. I smiled to myself, thinking of my youth and many fun Bermuda Shorts Days of my own…when I saw a girl chug a beer and throw the can on my lawn. I ran – not walked – to the front door and by the time I got there I noticed people putting their empty cans underneath the tires of the cars parked on my street. Whipping the door open, I screamed “HEY! DON’T THROW BEER CANS ON MY LAWN!!!” while the students looked on, startled. One young man in cutoff denim shorts with the pockets hanging down started collecting the cans while the rest stared at the crazy red-haired hausfrau reaming them out. At least I wasn’t wearing an apron and/or hair curlers. “Have a good time, but have some fucking respect for my neighbourhood. I don’t want to see this shit ANYMORE!” and mid-sentence a cop car patrolling the neighbourhood for drunken debauchery pulled up. Good timing, sir! I left him to it while watching out the window with a furrowed brow at the state of the young people today. GET OFF MY LAWN AND TURN OFF THAT INFERNAL RACKET.

Happy Monday to everyone! On that note, it’s a good day to get to know each other better – did you know littering makes me lose my mind? – and so I bring you Meme Monday. If you want to play, either blog these questions or answer in the comments. Getting to know you…getting to know all aboooouuut you…

Is it spring where you are?

Well, yes, in that it’s “spring in Calgary” spring, and not “things are actually growing and blossoming” spring. Things are brown, mostly, but there are some tiny buds on the trees and the glacier in my back yard is starting to retreat so, yes. Also, two magpies got into a fight with a squirrel yesterday in the trees in our front yard; I’m not sure why. Maybe the magpies had a nest nearby, or maybe they were just being assholes. Either way I was rooting for the squirrel.

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Kind of depressing glimpse at my back yard. At least it’s melting!

 

What was the last book you read, and would you recommend it?

I read so many books on vacation that I was considering a “Monday on the Margins” type post in the style of my erudite friend Allison, but actually the last book I read was Bossypants. And yes! I’d recommend it. That was about the sixth time I’ve read it – it is a hilarious and entertaining read, and since I read The Bear on vacation and I cannot read anything remotely heavy for a while.

Reality TV – yes or no?

I feel like I’m the star of my own show – Real Housewives Near The U of C With Food Hoarding Issues. But no. I think reality TV is a wretched chapter in the history of television, and I will not watch any of it.

Who is your favourite cartoon character of all time?

Well, that’s easy. Ralph Wiggum.

ralphwiggum

Do you have a song stuck in your head right now? If so, what?

I always have a song stuck in my head and it can vary from “Summer Breeze” to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” to “Linda Put The Coffee On” to “Empire State of Mind” – you should hear me hit the high notes. Today I have “Monster” by Eminem and Rihanna stuck in my head, over and over, I wanna be the Bruce Lee of looseleaf. But that is a post in itself.

Go ahead, play along! And Happy Monday/ Bermuda Shorts Day to all. xoxo

I Smell Sex and…Tofu

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Yesterday I bit the inside of my lip very hard, so hard I drew blood, and that spot has swollen up in my mouth such that normal chewing has led to me accidentally re-biting it over and over again. At this point I am begging my own teeth for mercy and considering a liquids-only diet, if only to cut out chewing.

So far this week has been one long domestic duty after another. Yesterday I went to Costco and ran into a friend; we chatted for a while and then she glanced at my cart. “My god!” she said, “Is this a NORMAL trip for you? Do you always have so much fruit?” Well, yes. And my Costco produce trips are not going to get any smaller, since my husband just bought me a juicer as an early birthday gift! Juice for everyone! My liquids-only-no-more-chewing diet is going to really take off; now all I need is a few good recipes. Ideas and tips, all you intrepid juicers out there?

Today I was grocery shopping at my old-people Co-Op to pick up the things that I can’t get at Costco, and lo, there were two young people there. Young people! At the “all seniors all the time” Co-Op! Not only that but these two individuals were young men who were clearly unaccustomed to grocery shopping of any kind. I saw them in the dairy section, and then I saw them in the produce section. I couldn’t help but overhear their conversation as I scrutinized red peppers and packets of basil; from their discussion I realized that they were grocery shopping to make dinner for their girlfriends. It was absolutely adorable, and I felt that full-heart feeling I get when I witness young love, like I’m a withered up old crone who receives vicarious joy from others’ youth and romance.

“Now, the problem is, I don’t know how we’re going to find balsamic vinegar,” one said to the other after a prolonged discussion about whether these are Roma tomatoes or not, and is sheep’s feta okay? I leapt into action and said the balsamic vinegar is right over there, down that aisle. “That one right in front of us?” the other fellow asked, pointing at the cereal and peanut butter aisle. No. I showed them and told them exactly where in the aisle to find it. Hey, the Co-Op is designed for the elderly in my elderly community; they rearrange nothing, ever, and I have been frequenting that place for fourteen years. I could pretty much draw a map to every item available.

Back in our romantic courting days, my husband used to cook all the time. I rarely, if ever, made dinner back then. My husband would cook, and grocery shop, and my oh my, is it getting hot in here? There’s not much sexier than having dinner made for you, now is there? If that was his seduction plan then it worked, every time. These days he mostly grills giant cuts of meat on the barbeque for the kids, and bemoans my vegetarianism. Well, and he buys juicers and other small appliances for me, which is also very sexy in its own way. Especially since I somehow just bit my inner lip AGAIN and I’m not even eating anything.

The other day we were having breakfast-for-supper, a weekly occurrence in my house, and I made a tofu scramble. For those of you who don’t know, it’s like a vegan version of scrambled eggs. I was creating a recipe and so was throwing things together and making notes about additions. I served up a small portion for him to sample and, I will tell you, I was pretty startled at his reaction. “Damn! This is great! This is really good!” he said as I stared at him in disbelief. Given that he was just cooking a pound of bacon for himself and the boys, I felt this to be quite a testament to the tastiness of the dish. Either that or he was trying to get busy with me. Or – OR – he was bedazzled by my new Victoria’s Secret push-up bra. Either way. Tofu. Enjoyed by my husband.

If he had wanted to romance me he could hardly have improved upon this.

After I helped them find the balsamic vinegar, the young guys at Co-Op thanked me effusively. I smiled at them as they eagerly unloaded their groceries in the”12 Items Or Less” line, when I noticed one of them had a giant hickey on his neck. Aww. Godspeed, young man. May your dinner be excellent.

The Long and Winding Road to Hana

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Oh, you guys, the sun has come out. The glacier in my back yard is shrinking, the boys are wearing t-shirts, and there are teeny tiny sprouts of green coming up in the warmest and sunniest part of my garden. Daylilies, those tenacious little sweethearts. I think they would probably survive nuclear fallout, but nonetheless I’m always ecstatic when they appear in the spring. It truly feels like spring around here and yes, I’m sure we’ll get a few more snowstorms, and yes, the ground is still kind of frozen, but SPRING.

The first time we went to Maui, my very good friend Joanne and her family were there as well, staying in the same complex as we were. One day my friend and I decided that we would make the trip to the other side of the island to practice yoga with Nancy Gilgoff. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Ashtanga tradition, Nancy is basically the mother of Ashtanga yoga in the Western world, and is the personification of “maitri”, or loving-kindness. She really embodies the whole yoga tradition, but she isn’t your typical modern yogi. She isn’t on social media, she doesn’t advertise, and in fact, you cannot even find the address of her studio on her website.

Joanne’s husband drove us across the island to the studio early in the morning so we could take practice with Nancy. We drove through a town and then down a little two-lane road and then turned onto a dirt road, after the sign for “Organic Tomatoes”, which was our only marker. When we got there we all sat silently for a moment, until her husband broke the reverie. “I’ll just wait here to make sure you aren’t going to be eaten by cannibals or something.” For the studio was really a barn on stilts in the middle of a deserted field, with wild vegetation all around. When I used the washroom I noticed a hand-written sign that reprimanded any woman practicing while menstruating, and that feminine products should never be left in the garbage can but wrapped up and taken with you, because otherwise they attract rats. Rats – eeek! I took my non-menstruating self and had a lovely and memorable practice with the lovely and wonderful Nancy and my dear friend Joanne.

It’s funny: I live in a quiet little neighbourhood in a big city, and it’s easy to be insular about other ways of living. Nancy, for example, could be a book-writing, YouTube video-starring, social media yogi darling, and yet, she isn’t. She lives a quiet life pretty much off the grid, except when she’s travelling to teach. She basically built her life the way she wanted it and I love that about her.

I was thinking about this because when we were recently in Maui, we decided to drive the celebrated Road to Hana. We read up on it and were warned that it was very curvy and windy. Ha! We laughed at that. After all, we drove the back way to Whistler, once, and also to Nelson, and would it really be that bad? YES. Yes it was. I lost count of the number of one-lane bridges and literally hairpin turns. It was exhausting and yet, some of the scenery we saw was the most beautiful I have ever seen.

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Waterfalls! Black sand beaches! Mysterious caves with legends about murdered Hawaiian princesses! It was pretty amazing and worth the tedium of the drive.

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We drove the extra ten miles to see the “Sacred Pools” – waterfalls cascading into several “swimmable” pools. By the time we made the extra ten miles, which took forty-five minutes, we were all hot and bedraggled and pretty excited for a swim. Off we went on a short hike to the pools!

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Alas! When we got there I read a sign that said the pools frequently harbor a certain bacteria that is especially prevalent after rainfall – and rain had been falling – and that bacteria could cause flu-like symptoms or DEATH. Well. We were only halfway through our holiday, and I certainly wasn’t going to risk flu-like symptoms or DEATH. There were a number of people swimming but we stayed out, sweatily photographing the lovely scenery.

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Pretty! Although, the water even looks bacteria-y.

While we drove that long and winding road, we would see little houses every now and then, with a fruit stand or a flower stand nearby. These were people living off the grid, truly in the middle of nowhere. They made Nancy Gilgoff look like a Wall Street broker.

Speaking of Wall Street, I read The Wolf of Wall Street on vacation, and it was hands down one of the most terrible books I have ever read. Gross, disgusting, and left me with a feeling of self-loathing because I had BOUGHT the damn book and CONTRIBUTED to the author’s wealth. The author should rot in jail, or burn in hell, although he’s now making tons of money with his book, movie rights, and career as a motivational speaker. (I live in a van…down by the river.) Not only was the author a criminal who made millions by ripping people off via stock market manipulation, he also ratted out his employees who he demanded loyalty from, which as we know from every mafia movie ever made is the worst crime one can commit.  The book itself was so bad I kept reading it only because I thought with all the hype that it would get better. I also thought there would be some semblance of explanation for his rise from call-connector to Wall Street superstar but no. If you’re thinking about reading it, DON’T. Learn from my mistakes.

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The scenery was nice, at least.