Get Off My Lawn

Ever since I complained about my too-tight-post-vacation pants, my Facebook feed has been full of advertisements regarding the most efficient way to get rid of belly fat, the one simple exercise to rid myself of belly fat, the one surprising food to avoid to eliminate belly fat, and ways to become bikini ready in just ten days. Well, thanks, Facebook, but I think I’m good now. My pants fit again so you can go back to advertising whatever it was you advertised before (Yoga studios? Clothing stores? Makeup? I don’t really know.).

How was your weekend? Mine started off by the delivery of a new freezer and fridge for the basement; their chilliness warms my food-hoarding little heart. I am beyond excited to be able to buy tons of produce and not have to play Tetris to get it all to fit in my fridge, and now I have an actual honest-to-God freezer to freeze things instead of jamming things into the beer-fridge-sized freezer and the compartment on my fridge, breaking my nails, and crying. The receipt of these items meant that my husband and I had a lot of reorganizing/ purging/ moving things/ swearing to do in order to make everything fit. It turns out that we have differing opinions on what sort of things are appropriate to keep – old golf how-to manuals versus a box of old fridge magnets – and that if a dumpster were in the neighbourhood, I should not leave the house lest my husband gets hold of my boxes of old Christmas cards and the kids’ old art projects. Not that I’m really a hoarder – I happily packed up many boxes and bags of things to be donated/ recycled/ garbaged – but it turns out my husband is much more brutal in his spring cleaning efforts than I am. I AM NOT GETTING RID OF THE FRIDGE MAGNETS AND ART PROJECTS.

Anyway, after the excitement of the new appliances, then there was the excitement of Mad Men! I sternly told the boys to shower and read their books in silence, because I had been waiting for ten months to watch this show and sssshhhhhhh. I will say this: it did not disappoint. I was struck, watching the scenes on the plane, by how much air travel has changed in the past 40-50 years. It used to seem so glamourous; now it’s all about watching your seatmate grossly eat Cheezies and drunkenly pass out beside you.

So that brings us to Monday morning. Apparently it is Bermuda Shorts Day today, which, if you did not go to the University of Calgary and are therefore in the dark why a) anyone would wear Bermuda shorts and b) why that would occur in April in Calgary, here is a little background information for you. Basically, it boils down to the last day of classes being celebrated by much drunken debauchery. The reason I know that it is Bermuda Shorts Day today is that I live in walking distance to the university, and while I was peacefully folding clothes I looked out the window and saw hordes of students in various ridiculous shorts-based outfits, walking down the street, beers and red Solo cups in hand. I smiled to myself, thinking of my youth and many fun Bermuda Shorts Days of my own…when I saw a girl chug a beer and throw the can on my lawn. I ran – not walked – to the front door and by the time I got there I noticed people putting their empty cans underneath the tires of the cars parked on my street. Whipping the door open, I screamed “HEY! DON’T THROW BEER CANS ON MY LAWN!!!” while the students looked on, startled. One young man in cutoff denim shorts with the pockets hanging down started collecting the cans while the rest stared at the crazy red-haired hausfrau reaming them out. At least I wasn’t wearing an apron and/or hair curlers. “Have a good time, but have some fucking respect for my neighbourhood. I don’t want to see this shit ANYMORE!” and mid-sentence a cop car patrolling the neighbourhood for drunken debauchery pulled up. Good timing, sir! I left him to it while watching out the window with a furrowed brow at the state of the young people today. GET OFF MY LAWN AND TURN OFF THAT INFERNAL RACKET.

Happy Monday to everyone! On that note, it’s a good day to get to know each other better – did you know littering makes me lose my mind? – and so I bring you Meme Monday. If you want to play, either blog these questions or answer in the comments. Getting to know you…getting to know all aboooouuut you…

Is it spring where you are?

Well, yes, in that it’s “spring in Calgary” spring, and not “things are actually growing and blossoming” spring. Things are brown, mostly, but there are some tiny buds on the trees and the glacier in my back yard is starting to retreat so, yes. Also, two magpies got into a fight with a squirrel yesterday in the trees in our front yard; I’m not sure why. Maybe the magpies had a nest nearby, or maybe they were just being assholes. Either way I was rooting for the squirrel.


Kind of depressing glimpse at my back yard. At least it’s melting!


What was the last book you read, and would you recommend it?

I read so many books on vacation that I was considering a “Monday on the Margins” type post in the style of my erudite friend Allison, but actually the last book I read was Bossypants. And yes! I’d recommend it. That was about the sixth time I’ve read it – it is a hilarious and entertaining read, and since I read The Bear on vacation and I cannot read anything remotely heavy for a while.

Reality TV – yes or no?

I feel like I’m the star of my own show – Real Housewives Near The U of C With Food Hoarding Issues. But no. I think reality TV is a wretched chapter in the history of television, and I will not watch any of it.

Who is your favourite cartoon character of all time?

Well, that’s easy. Ralph Wiggum.


Do you have a song stuck in your head right now? If so, what?

I always have a song stuck in my head and it can vary from “Summer Breeze” to “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” to “Linda Put The Coffee On” to “Empire State of Mind” – you should hear me hit the high notes. Today I have “Monster” by Eminem and Rihanna stuck in my head, over and over, I wanna be the Bruce Lee of looseleaf. But that is a post in itself.

Go ahead, play along! And Happy Monday/ Bermuda Shorts Day to all. xoxo


  1. I HATE those fucking weight-loss ads. I never do anything with any other ads – I get it, Facebook is free, I’ll deal. The weight loss ads, I click “hide” and when they ask me why, I choose “offensive”. I’M OFFENDED, MARK ZUCKERBERG, and if you keep showing me these ads I’ll SQUISH YOU WITH MY GIANT ASS.
    *deep breath*
    I have had that exact fight with my husband about the old fridge magnets and art projects. And I took that motherfucker DOWN. (Not with my giant ass. Well, actually…. erm, never mind.)

  2. I already blogged about the last book I read (The Good Lord Bird) so I will mention this about the one I am currently reading (The Book Thief). If you read a book that’s recently been turned into a move in public (say in a restaurant where you are having a solo lunch) a lot of people will ask you if you’ve seen the movie, as in multiple times during the same meal.

  3. happy geek says

    “Either way I am rooting for the squirrel.” Reason 354 why I love you.
    And the idea of you tearing a strip off of the drunken U of C student? I do love it.
    I too went to the U of C but being a studious nerdy type did not do Bermuda shorts day and sat with my other Sanctimonious, self-righteous friends making fun of those who did.

  4. Oh man, the story of you running out on your lawn to tell off the students was the best thing I read all day. You rock it, lady. I like to think I would do the same but really I would just be sitting inside my front window, glaring and seething.

    Also, future post idea: would love to hear Nicole’s Guide to Fruits, possibly as an ongoing series. I never know what’s good right now, what’s in season, or what to buy when. Guide me, fruit ninja!

  5. Hausfrau!!!! ROFL. I love that.

  6. hee hee…facebook…it’s like google assuming that herpe cream is what you’re looking for when you type in Justin Beiber. Not that I would google that little squirrel.
    I love me some basement freezer. I hoard it too. Can’t pass up a good deal on meat. That sounded dirty.
    Luckily we live on the off beaten path so we don’t have drunken hoodlums running around…unless my dad is in the neighborhood


  1. […] Let’s circle back. Spring! Which leads us to spring cleaning. My mother used to do massive spring cleaning every year: washing walls and windows, shampooing carpets, the whole thing. My mother-in-law told me once that HER mother-in-law used to wash walls monthly. In the kindest way, she said “That’s just too much. Once every three or four months is sufficient.” I know she was trying to put me at ease, so I didn’t reply that I never wash walls unless they are to be painted immediately, and often not even then. But I do a kind of spring cleaning: purging closets – although mine is still in “Lululemon avalanche mode” even after a major purge, which indicates that I probably have too many clothes – cleaning cupboards, throwing out expired medicine and sunscreen. This year I had to do even more than that because of the receipt of my new downstairs fridge and freezer. […]

Leave a Reply