Just to set the stage, here, it is 3:24 pm and I’m considering opening my SECOND beer. Listen, I’m just impressed I made it until Friday to start drinking. It’s been a very involved week, parenting wise, and by that I mean that I was chaperone to an all-day field trip to the museum on Wednesday, and I was volunteering for an in-class field trip all morning today.
Let’s first discuss the Wednesday field trip. There were two upsides to it: a) Mark was thrilled that I was on the field trip, and b) it was indoors. The rain was coming down in sheets when we boarded the muggy, hot school bus. I was instantly appreciative of two of the other parent volunteers: one, a dad who yelled at all the kids to shut up so the driver could talk, and two, a mom – and a friend of mine – who told two little screaming girls that their high pitched squeals were completely uncalled for and distracting to the driver. These two were field trip veterans, and I was to become just like them before the day was through.
My group of five children seemed fine and normal until 50 minutes before lunch break, when the museum curator informed us that we now had “free time” to “explore” the museum. I like exploring museums, with my two children who stay with me and who don’t, let’s say, try to ruin all the exhibits and/or run away and/or refuse to move when there is an educational film playing. But with five children, including one who kept running ahead of the group and getting lost and one who kept getting distracted and lagged behind, also getting lost, it was pretty much the exact opposite of enjoyable. The one consolation I had was that if I did actually lose two of my group of five, at least they would still be in the building. The happy news is that all the children, under my watchful eye, ended up on the school bus at the end of the day. The unhappy news is that I felt like I was going to lose my mind saying “Don’t touch the artifacts. Keep up with the group. STAY WITH ME.” At one point I gave my group two options in a VERY FIRM VOICE: either listen to me and stay together, or stand silently and without moving for the remaining ten minutes until lunch break. As we headed for the tipi display, I warned that anyone not listening to me would be left behind. Yes, I threatened to leave the children behind for their misbehaviours. It worked. They all listened. Possibly they also had nightmares about spending the night in the museum. Wasn’t there a movie about that?
Did I mention that I have been – TMI ALERT – extremely premenstrual this week, to the point of “if my period doesn’t start soon, someone is going to get stabbed”? So being at the museum with seventy children, riding a crowded school bus in the rain, and then supervising 35 children eating lunch on the floor of a tiny room, plus being responsible for four children who were not my own, two of whom seemed determined to get lost, was probably not the best plan for maintaining good mental health.
And then – THEN – today was an in-class field trip for Jake’s class, where the students would be learning about the ear and how hearing works. It is just as fascinating as it sounds, and three hours later I was pretty tired of explaining about sound waves and pitch and OMG this is so boring I think I need another drink. Also? The volunteers today were the same volunteers from Wednesday’s trip, which means I think we all need a medal. OR ANOTHER DRINK. There are thirty-five children in Jake’s class, and quite a number of them are very behaviourally challenged, to the point of needing extra educational assistants, and all I could think of was how impressive it is that the teacher seems sane and is not an alcoholic.
Last week I told the kids that there was only three and a half weeks left of school. Whee! We were counting down excitedly to summer vacation when I realized, tragically, that I was a week off. Ooops. NOW there are three and a half weeks left of school, not last week. We are all somewhat devastated by this information.
I feel like I have more to say, but no more mojo with which to say it. In other words, happy Friday, beautiful people! Play nice, have fun. xoxo
Monthly Archives: May 2013
So stabby.
I feel like I must be mere minutes away from the start of my ladies’ holiday, given my current state of stabbiness. It is a good thing for the world that I am not walking around with a knife tied to a broomstick, a la Peggy OIsen, elsewise everyone I encounter today would find themselves impaled.
I won’t go into enormous ranting details, except to say that I am going to be chaperoning a field trip to the museum tomorrow, under duress. This is in addition to volunteering for Jake’s in-class field trip on Friday, and also in addition to the approximately one hundred hours I have spent volunteering this school year. I understand that not everyone can volunteer, not everyone has the resources to volunteer, but dammit, do I have to volunteer for everything? I mostly feel put-upon about the field trip, given that I hate – HATE – going on field trips, being responsible for groups of children that are not mine, and riding on the deplorable school bus. Well, there’s nothing for it except to lay in a supply of Advil and start my ujjayi breathing now, and to impotently shake my fist at the world at the thought of spending the day with seventy seven-to-nine-year-olds.
Whew, just writing that made me think longingly of a bottle of wine.
There are lots and lots of happy things in my life, however, and so I will go through them now, so as not to become a bitter old woman who runs people over at the Co-Op with her cart, and complains viciously of slow service and the price of butter.
1) My girls’ night away was fantastic, even if my husband has dubbed it the “world’s lamest girls’ night ever” because we went to see a display of the late Princess Diana’s dresses. What, it was awesome. Also we had some good food, good wine, and went hot tubbing, during which activity we were apparently checked out by men twenty years younger than us. I say apparently because I tend to be oblivious when it comes to these situations, and was only informed of it later, but I always welcome the chance to feel like a chaste Mrs. Robinson.
2) Chalking this up under the “even filial love is blind” category, I was watching The Avengers with Jake and he told me I look JUST LIKE Black Widow, who is played by Scarlett Johansson. JUST LIKE HER. There ARE undeniable similarities: we both have red hair and we both wear all black. However. On a related note: Jake can have any dessert he wants this week.
3) After our poor fireblighted tree was taken down, we were left with a stump and the contact information for “The Stump Doctor”. The Stump Doctor came last night and ground up our stump. I don’t know why, but just saying The Stump Doctor gives me a fit of the giggles. Thank you, Stump Doctor, for grinding my stump.
4) Despite my husband’s assertions that I bought too many bedding plants, I managed to plant them all in an attractive manner. This occurred between rainstorms, so I’m happy that I don’t need to “water until established”.
5) One very, very kind person told me that my hair reminded her of an old Finesse commercial, and since I have, shall we say “issues” about my hair, this was a very welcome compliment. It also reminded me of the shampoo line called Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific. Remember that? Man, I wish I had some.
Super Quick Friday Randoms
1) I’m going on a girl’s night away tonight, and I seem to be experiencing equal parts excitement and guilt over leaving. I texted my husband “I miss you” and he replied “Already. It’s just a regular day.” Yes, it was ten in the morning and yes, normally it would be eight hours until I would actually see him anyway but STILL.
2) The amount of beauty products I pack for one night away is the same amount I would pack for two weeks away, which means I have a very large sunk cost when it comes to travel, suitcase-space-wise.
3) I have an inability to “pack light”. This is what my suitcase looks like:
4) This does not include the large bag of muffins, cookies, and wine that I’m taking in my bid to FEED EVERYONE ALL THE TIME. Honestly, it’s like a sickness with me. I think I caught it from my mother. Eat, eat. HAVE ANOTHER ONE.
5) Completely off-topic, my friend Maggie said she noticed that H&M is selling acid wash jean shorts now, and I feel despair for all of today’s youth.
6) I showed my kids this morning what it means to peg your jeans, and how that’s how we all wore our jeans back in the eighties. Mark asked “Why did you have to do that? Who made you?” which is a very excellent question.
7) My friend Jani wrote a book! It’s very good! You can buy it here or here. I read it yesterday while waiting for the kids at karate. There was a dad waiting there as well, and he fell asleep on one of the couches, snoring loudly. I questioned if I should wake him up at class end, but luckily his phone rang, doing the trick. His ringtone, and I am not making this up, was a Chewbacca roar. Or whatever sound it is that Chewbacca makes.
8) On that note, I’m off! To see a display of Princess Diana’s dresses! And drink wine and eat cookies and muffins! Have a great weekend, everyone. xoxo
Dogs and flowers and not much else.
Did you have a nice long weekend? Despite our original plans falling through, we managed to have a lovely one. We spent a night at my parents’ cabin – the “cabin” that is three times the size of my house and has twice as many bathrooms, which is my idea of camping – and played in the garden a lot. My husband has been trying to get action shots of Barkley to make me a “Barkley calendar”, but so far the shots have been a bit blurry:
Besides “camping”, I’ve been in a frenzy of gardening and yard work over the past couple of days. I didn’t get enough plants on my first trip to the garden centre:
Such a teeny cartful! I headed out yesterday to stock up and also to enjoy that feeling of youth that only can be attained by being the youngest person in a place by thirty years. I had to make TWO trips into the store, and it’s lucky I drive a minivan:
But even so one of the containers had to ride shotgun.
I came home eager to get started, but just as I pulled into the garage, our arbourist pulled up, chainsaw in hand. Our beautiful old hawthorn tree had contracted fireblight – which sounds dramatic, no? – and was, essentially, dead. We’d been waiting for a couple of weeks for the arbourist to work his tree removal magic. My plans had to be put on hold, on account of me not wanting to be crushed to death by falling branches; I went to go check my email, came upstairs, and the tree was now several piles of wood on the ground. It was so fast, I forgot to mourn the loss of the tree. On the bright side, our yard seems HUGE. I feel like I’m living on an acreage. In any event, I did get some, but not all, of the planting done. Today it’s pouring rain and it’s forecasted to continue for a while, which is great for my new plants but puts a little cramp in my gardening plans.
The house is dark, and it’s dark and rainy outside, but it feels cozy, like a nice morning to get some writing done and drink coffee and bake something delicious. And occasionally stare out the window at the plants on the deck, waiting anxiously to be put into the ground and spread out their roots.
Speaking of spreading out roots, my arbourist asked how long we’ve been in this house, and I realized with some shock that it’s been thirteen years. Thirteen years! Long enough for us to renovate our house not once but several times, long enough for me to dig out all the old neglected gardens and replant everything, long enough for me and the boys to become fixtures in the neighbourhood, long enough for my next door neighbour to finally stop calling me “Michelle”. This same neighbour was out doing yardwork on the weekend, along with his wife. His wife, who was mowing the lawn and wearing a man’s oversized muscle shirt and NOTHING ELSE. Literally, nothing else. What has been seen cannot be unseen, if you know what I’m saying here. And no, this neighbour is not related to the one who is famous for gardening in only his red cutoff sweatpants and nothing else. Wow, what is going on in my neighbourhood? Every day is interesting, let’s leave it at that.
Naked Shuffleboard
My weekend plans got kiboshed, and so yesterday I decided that since we were staying home, I may as well get a little bit of gardening done. It’s too early to really plant anything, I thought to myself, So I’ll just get a couple of really hardy plants. I walked into the garden centre and immediately forgot everything except LOOK PRETTY FLOWERS WHEE. Honestly, I almost forgot my own name for a few minutes as I meandered among the aisles, completely overstimulated and humming along to the Carlos Santana tune playing over the speakers.
I was flirted with in that jovial, harmless, elderly way by five – FIVE – old men while I filled my cart to overflowing with annuals and perennials. It occurred to me later that none of the old men had carts of any kind, and in fact none of them actually appeared to be buying anything. This indicates one of two things: a) the old men drive their wives to the garden centre, and then wander off looking for people to chat with, or b) the old men go to the garden centre to pick up women. My god – is the garden centre the meat market for old people? Think about it: who is actually shopping in a garden centre on a Thursday afternoon? Me, a couple of extremely harried-looking moms with little ones in tow, and OLD PEOPLE. The more I think about it the more likely it seems; after all, if an old man was there with his wife he would probably be choosing plants WITH HIS WIFE, no? I wonder how many old people relationships start out in garden centres. We all know that old men make out like bandits in retirement homes, almost entirely due to numbers being in their favour, but maybe garden centres are known for the place to meet the swinging singles.
I bought some eye cream a couple of months ago, given I am getting older and when one wakes up at 4:45 every day, one has a tendency to look like a crypt keeper. I went out and chose this cream out of many others, thinking that this would be a transformative event in my life. Eye cream! You would think that two months would be long enough to make a difference, however, it has not. This is probably because I constantly forget to apply it. This is my evening beauty routine: remove eye makeup, use special exfoliating cleanser, rinse well, use tissue to remove what I hope is residual eye makeup but is often just an undereye circle, apply toner with cotton ball, brush teeth with whitening toothpaste, stare at teeth in the mirror and wonder if I should give up coffee, decide (related to undereye circles and waking up at 4:45) that this is not a feasible option, apply nighttime lotion, rub extra hydrating cocoa butter into my cracked, dry excuse for hands, fall into bed and pass out. I seem to be unable to add eye cream to this routine.
I ran out to the grocery store today to pick up a few things, plus some whitening strips (see also: coffee consumption. And red wine.) While looking for whitening strips, I noticed something extremely disturbing: right next to the denture cleansers and accessories was a display of condoms, lubricants, and medications for yeast infections. Ew. Now, the patrons of my grocery store are largely elderly, due to the senior’s mecca of a neighbourhood that I live in. I thought about the garden centre and felt that this was just too much. The signs are everywhere. KY jelly right next to the Polident tablets? Ultra sensation-like wearing nothing- ribbed for her pleasure multipack of condoms right next to the Fixodent? A whole row of Monistat next to the Seabond? Do you see a pattern here? Life, apparently, begins at seventy.
Nicole’s Favourite Things – Spring Edition!
It was such a long, cold winter, wasn’t it? Snow on the ground from October solidly through April, but I tell you this: May has been absolutely stunning in YYC. I keep expecting snow in the forecast every day, or at least hard frosts, and yet it’s been warm and beautiful. It feels like spring, but not Calgary spring – regular actual spring!
And so it’s time for the Spring Edition of Nicole’s Favourite Things!
My Garden
On the fourth of May, this is what my front yard Mayday tree looked like:
This is what it looks like now:
Leaves! Flowers! All in a nine day span, which is not great for the allergy sufferers in the house, but it sure is pretty. Speaking of pretty:
This is the prettiest the Nanking cherry has ever looked. Usually the buds freeze before the flowers come out and/or the flowers get blown off by gale force winds, but not this year. I’m soaking up every second.
I know people in other parts of the world have had lilac bushes, the blooms of which have already come and gone, but look at the adorable little buds on my lilac:
There are many, many other exciting things happening in my garden right now, but if you are NOT a gardener, you may be falling asleep with boredom at all my squee flower talk. Moving on.
Embracing Colour
Well, kind of. I was shopping with a girlfriend who just so happens to have gone to design school and has a fabulous sense of style, and she practically forced me to buy this top, which I was unsure about, but now I love.
IT’S SO COLOURFUL! I feel a little bit peacock-y in this outfit, but my husband informed me that I am now no longer allowed to shop without my friend in tow. Hope she doesn’t mind her new career as my personal stylist.
I also wore a blue – BLUE – scarf to my 20th high school reunion. I don’t know if it’s spring fever or what, but all this colour is going to my head.
Anyone else feel like I need to clean my bedroom mirror? Seems a little dusty.
Mascara
I am a sucker for different formulations of mascara, and yet I don’t actually notice a difference between any of them. None of them transform me into a Megan Draper lookalike, possibly because I don’t look anything like Megan Draper and also she has fake eyelashes and professional makeup artists and she’s a TV character, not an actual person. Anyway. I did buy this mascara called “The Falsies” and although I was at first disappointed with it (see also: non transformation into a TV character) the more I use it the better I like it. My husband snapped this picture of me on Saturday night and I can actually notice my eyelashes in it:
Spring Food
I am in love with everything berry and green these days, so I’m enjoying these recipes I have up at Yummy Mummy Club: Green Goddess Bowl of Goodness, Overnight Coconut French Toast, and Lemon Mini-Cakes with Whipped Coconut Cream. Fun fact: that last recipe is a vegan riff on my dear friend Hannah’s famed Lemon Muffins.
Mother’s Day
I’m not hugely invested in Mother’s Day, but this weekend my boys gave me homemade cards and hugged me approximately one zillion times. They also had a blast playing in the sprinkler, which NEVER happens in May!
That series of photos just makes my heart happy.
Ground Control to Commander Hadfield
Commander Hadfield is the BOMB. I have never been a person even slightly interested in space. In fact, one of my strongest memories from Grade One is lying to the teacher of the gifted enrichment program about already reading a book about a dog who becomes an astronaut because, hey, books about space? Snore. I think they gave me an equally snore-worthy book about a dog who dug a hole in a garden but whatever. At least I didn’t have to read about space.
But here comes the amazing Canadian Chris Hadfield and suddenly I’m completely obsessed. I can’t wait to watch him come home tonight, with the kids. Is there anything that man cannot do? Plus, his song Is Somebody Singing makes me tear up every time I sing it (which is often, in the shower). The kids sang it for Music Monday and it was just so special.
This Fabulous Spam Comment
Anonymous wrote: I don’t even understand how I stopped up here, however I believed this put up was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger in the event that you aren’t already. Cheers!
Anonymous goes on to post his/her website entitled “tits movie”. Oh boy! Thanks Anonymous! I sure hope you’re right, and I think I’ll just go click that link now.
I AM living life to the fullest, dammit.
My friend Nan came across the “50 Ways To Live Life To The Full” on the Daily Mail site and described her reaction to each of those 50 ways. I don’t know, I kind of feel like I’m living life to the fullest right now, given that I had popcorn for lunch instead of my usual tomato/cucumber/hummous sandwich. However, I am going to write about my reaction to this list of fifty events, and I encourage you to do it as well! It’s a fun Friday meme! Memes. Like it’s 2008.
1. Stop worrying about money
Right off the bat, I find this annoying. You know, MC Hammer stopped worrying about money and Hammerland was taken into receivership. Did you know the vast majority of lottery winners are broke within five year? Maybe you SHOULD worry about money, at least a little.
2. Stop worrying about what other people think
Well, that depends, doesn’t it? I don’t worry too much if people think I’m a spoiled princess of a housewife, but I would be a little worried if people thought I was an asshole or mean to my kids or something. We do live in a society.
3. Take two holidays a year
Oh, I’ve got this one!
4. Enjoy little comforts in life
Did I mention I had popcorn for lunch?
5. Experience different cultures
This is an important point, I think. I agree, Daily Mail! But not to the point where I will go to a luau in Hawaii or anything; I have a hard time with the whole pig thing.
6. Work to live rather than live to work
But what if you enjoy your job?
7. Pay off all debts
Done.
8. Be true to yourself
I am going to quote Nan on this one: “Unless “yourself” is an asshole. In that case, be better than yourself.”
9. Concentrate on what you have instead of what you don’t have
Yes, this is important. I actually have to tell my kids this often.
10. Use money on experiences rather than saving for a rainy day
This is silly. I strongly disagree, Daily Mail. This kind of entitlement attitude is what leads to debt crises.
11. Make time for family and friends
Pretty much ALL my time is spent with family and friends. I’m a stay at home mom who hangs out in the playground for fun.
12. Try all types of food
Well…no. There are many, many things that I have no interest in trying.
13. Find true love
Aw, I totally have a Shmoopie.
14. Travel to at least 25 different foreign countries
These are the countries I have travelled to: US, Mexico, The Netherlands, Italy, Greece, Turkey, and Egypt. So, I guess I only have 18 to go?
15. Go outside more
I am outside ALL THE TIME. During the winter this is a major point of contention for me but yet the dog must be walked and the children must be taken and picked up from school.
16. Learn a new language
I am currently learning Pokemon, and it makes me want to poke-my-eyes-out.
17. Be well thought of by family and friends
I think this is true! Or at least everyone is too polite to say if it isn’t.
18. Help a member of your family out when they really need it
I treated a wart on one of my children’s toe recently. I think that really counts.
19. Lose a stone in weight
A stone is seven pounds. I am not going to lose seven pounds. I lost five pounds when I had the norovirus in January and I looked like actual death. edited to add: my god, a stone is fourteen pounds, not seven! If I lost fourteen pounds I would look like Skeletor.
20. Treat each day like it’s your last
This is a terrible idea! If it was my last day on earth I’d eat and drink like a Roman emporer, and cry a lot.
21. Visit all of Britain’s historical landmarks
I would love to do that, actually. But I think the Daily Mail is a bit biased.
22. Book an impulsive last minute holiday
This will never happen. My husband is the holiday planner extraordinaire and he plans vacations a good two years in advance.
23. Volunteer for a good cause
I volunteer for so much stuff that I actually had to cut myself off from volunteering.
24. Take up a challenge
This summer I’m going to challenge myself to actually organize all the children’s schoolwork that I have saved over the year, but if the past is any indication, I won’t get very far because I’ll end up reading a Mother’s Day card from preschool and curl up in a corner sobbing.
25. Go on safari
Oooh! I want to do this! I always thought this would be what my husband and I could do on our 25th wedding anniversary. I’ll get him to start planning for that on our 23rd anniversary.
26. Blow a load of money in one shopping trip, just because you can
This happens every time I a) go to Costco or b) go to Lululemon.
27. Learn a new instrument
I already play the piano at a pretty high level, how much more do you want from me?
28. Be married for longer than 20 years
Talk to me in nine years.
29. Have enough money left for the grandchildren to enjoy
Oooooh, grandchildren!
30. Start a family
Done.
31. Earn more than your age
What does this mean? I have to earn more than $38 a year? I don’t understand this question.
32. Have a pet
Barkley!
33. Drive a really fast car
My husband has a really fast car; I am not allowed to drive it. It’s okay, I prefer rocking out my minivan anyway. Windows open, kids in the back, with Gangnam Style cranked up. LIKE A BOSS.
34. Travel alone
I went to Saskatchewan by myself last year, does that count?
35. Be able to keep the kids on the straight and narrow
So far, so good.
36. Meet strangers
I talk to people all the time. In grocery stores, post office, dog park, playground…I think I’m good. In fact, I think maybe sometimes people wish I talked to them less.
37. Move away from home to an unfamiliar place
I’d like to move to a warmer climate, but who am I kidding. I’m going to be here until I die.
38. Have a one night stand
GROSS.
39. Pass your driving test
Yay, I got this!
40. Get a degree
I have two! Extra points!
41. Rescue someone so that you’re a hero for a little while
I’m rescuing you all from boredom by doing this list! Does that mean I’m your hero? It doesn’t? You’re still bored? Oh.
42. Date someone exciting but completely wrong for you
Well, I have done this, but not since I left my youth behind. Thankfully. I don’t think my husband would be into this idea.
43. Get a promotion
What would a promotion BE for a stay-at-home-mom-blogger? I mean, I have been promoted in my life, but not for the past decade or so.
44. Reach the desired career peak by age 40
I’m hoping to get my cookbook out before I turn 40, so maybe that will be it.
45. Have an all-night drinking session
I don’t think I’ve ever done this. I’m just not a night owl.
46. Perform something on stage in front of others
When I was in high school, I played Amanda Wingfield in The Glass Menagerie and it was the pinnacle of my acting career. I really got that Southern accent DOWN. I also, completely inappropriately, played Shelly in Buried Child. In high school. Incest and infanticide – the perfect high school play.
47. Snog a stranger
Snog means kiss, right? Then I’ve totally done this. Unless it means “have sex with” in which case I haven’t.
48. Plan a surprise party
Hahahaha. Surprise parties are the WORST. The guest of honour almost always is totally humiliated by it, or is wearing sweatpants and has dirty hair, or something. I was once at a surprise party where the guest of honour came into the house, totally bitching about his wife, who had corralled everyone into the dark living room, and…surprise! Also – ALSO – my mom and aunts were planning a surprise party for my grandpa on the occasion of his 95th birthday. I kept telling them that I strongly disagreed with this idea. Surprising a 95 year old man is a terrible idea! Yet, they still went ahead with it (and fortunately, it was a success, but STILL.) Remember the surprise party Megan Draper threw for Don? It almost ended their brief marriage! Lessons to be learned.
49. Embark on adrenaline packed activities such as sky diving or bungee jumping
I am never, ever, ever going to sky dive or bungee jump, but being on an airplane with lots of turbulence on the way to Palm Springs was pretty adrenaline packed. Especially since I was actually bouncing on my seat and thought we were all going to die.
50. Spend time with children even if they aren’t yours
Two words: BOOK FAIR.