Naked Shuffleboard

My weekend plans got kiboshed, and so yesterday I decided that since we were staying home, I may as well get a little bit of gardening done.  It’s too early to really plant anything, I thought to myself, So I’ll just get a couple of really hardy plants.  I walked into the garden centre and immediately forgot everything except LOOK PRETTY FLOWERS WHEE.  Honestly, I almost forgot my own name for a few minutes as I meandered among the aisles, completely overstimulated and humming along to the Carlos Santana tune playing over the speakers.

I was flirted with in that jovial, harmless, elderly way by five – FIVE – old men while I filled my cart to overflowing with annuals and perennials.  It occurred to me later that none of the old men had carts of any kind, and in fact none of them actually appeared to be buying anything.  This indicates one of two things: a) the old men drive their wives to the garden centre, and then wander off looking for people to chat with, or b) the old men go to the garden centre to pick up women.  My god – is the garden centre the meat market for old people?  Think about it: who is actually shopping in a garden centre on a Thursday afternoon?  Me, a couple of extremely harried-looking moms with little ones in tow, and OLD PEOPLE.  The more I think about it the more likely it seems; after all, if an old man was there with his wife he would probably be choosing plants WITH HIS WIFE, no?  I wonder how many old people relationships start out in garden centres.  We all know that old men make out like bandits in retirement homes, almost entirely due to numbers being in their favour, but maybe garden centres are known for the place to meet the swinging singles.

I bought some eye cream a couple of months ago, given I am getting older and when one wakes up at 4:45 every day, one has a tendency to look like a crypt keeper.  I went out and chose this cream out of many others, thinking that this would be a transformative event in my life.  Eye cream!  You would think that two months would be long enough to make a difference, however, it has not.  This is probably because I constantly forget to apply it.  This is my evening beauty routine: remove eye makeup, use special exfoliating cleanser, rinse well, use tissue to remove what I hope is residual eye makeup but is often just an undereye circle, apply toner with cotton ball, brush teeth with whitening toothpaste, stare at teeth in the mirror and wonder if I should give up coffee, decide (related to undereye circles and waking up at 4:45) that this is not a feasible option, apply nighttime lotion, rub extra hydrating cocoa butter into my cracked, dry excuse for hands, fall into bed and pass out.  I seem to be unable to add eye cream to this routine. 

I ran out to the grocery store today to pick up a few things, plus some whitening strips (see also: coffee consumption.  And red wine.)  While looking for whitening strips, I noticed something extremely disturbing: right next to the denture cleansers and accessories was a display of condoms, lubricants, and medications for yeast infections.  Ew.  Now, the patrons of my grocery store are largely elderly, due to the senior’s mecca of a neighbourhood that I live in.  I thought about the garden centre and felt that this was just too much.  The signs are everywhere.  KY jelly right next to the Polident tablets?  Ultra sensation-like wearing nothing- ribbed for her pleasure multipack of condoms right next to the Fixodent?  A whole row of Monistat next to the Seabond?  Do you see a pattern here?  Life, apparently, begins at seventy.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    • I wasn’t convulsing with disgust, just realizing that garden centres are the hot clubs for the senior set. Also grocery stores.

    • and probably medical clinics. “Hey, how long have you got? Wanna hang?”

    • Also yes, sorry, I was (over)reacting to the Facebook prompt for the post. And some stuff that other people have said lately. And I might possibly be having a hormonal issue. And feeling old.

    • Oh! I understand now. I couldn’t figure out where the reference was – but I was actually going with kind of cute. I actually think its adorable when old people hook up. Hey, I’m going to be an old lady myself some day! Right? Medical clinics, heh.

  2. I have deleted my dumbass comment. Apologies to everyone else who will now be slightly confused.

  3. This is the weirdest bunch of comments ever. 😀

    You know where you will see large groups of seniors congregating? McDonald’s, early in the morning (especially on weekends.) Once upon a time seniors used to get free coffee at McD’s; they don’t anymore, but the habit was formed and now it’s quite the thing, at least in Halifax. I love taking the family to breakfast there once in a while during seniors’ coffee hour; everyone likes to come and chat with the the kids and it’s a different experience for the boys.

  4. The moment someone mentions KY Jelly, I am brought back to the disturbing discovery of my parents sex drawer when I was 14 and looking for some spare change in my parents room. You could point out that I had no business snooping around looking to scam some money off my parents and you would be right, but since I have forever been scarred by the Costco-sized KY Jelly and the horrifying image that brings, I think I got my comeuppance.

    PS. I will be sure to bring the sexy the next time I run out to pick up some bulbs and fertilizer.

  5. At least you use nighttime lotion. I haven’t started. I probably should get on that.

  6. Kimberly says

    Oh how I’ve done the old “I can’t get this make up off—oh…it’s dark circles”. It’s a terrible realization.
    I bought some cream too but it made me break out around my eyes. I looked like racoon eyes but with zits.
    So garden centers for the elderly. I think they were trying to hit you up with a booty call in aisle 69…get it.

  7. There’s a corner store called KY Market that I pass on my way to the beach.

    I use Vaseline around my eyes at night and it makes them feel brighter, although I don’t get up at 4:45, no ma’am.

    Those two sentences are not really related, though now I am looking at them and it seems like the KY and the Vaseline are too similar. Vaseline is kind of gross. But this is a fresh jar .. it’s never touched a baby’s bum or anything. I bought it for lip balm. What else makes great lip balm? Lansinoh nipple cream. True!

    OK, I’m out.

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