What kind of monster have I become?

It’s a beautiful autumn day here in YYC!

Did you just cry a little?  Yeah, me too.  Less than two weeks ago, this was the scene:

Jake, climbing our tree, wearing shorts.  Not shown in this photograph is the total heart attack I was having and trying to conceal.  “Wow, honey, you’re a really great climber!” is what I said.  “I am going to dial 9-1 and wait to dial the other 1.  I think I’m having palpitations!” is what I was thinking.  That was silly of me, because Jake DID lose his footing, but instead of falling he gripped the tree with both arms and both legs, hanging upside down, boasting the whole time about his superior climbing and monkey skills. 

It’s funny, the things you never think you’ll do or say that you end up doing or saying.  Things such as “Get down from there or you’ll break your neck!”  Or cleaning your child’s dirty face with your own saliva.  Just writing that down, I am revolted with my own motherly self.  And yet who among us hasn’t done this?  Who among us hasn’t retorted with the ever-popular “Because I said so, THAT’S WHY.”  Who among us hasn’t pretended to listen to their child’s steady stream of chatter and nodded absently and unmindfully?

Sometimes I wonder about the person I have become.  I look at my life and I wonder what happened to me.  For example, yesterday I was at the mall.  The mall.  On a snowy, windy, October afternoon.  All I’m going to say is, so many crying babies.  Not that I’m judging – I’ve been there before, the young mom desperate just to get out of the house.  Still.  Anyway, I was at the mall, and I saw a pink Star Wars t-shirt in my size and I considered purchasing it.  I really did.  I actually picked it up, then after a minute, I set it down again, mourning the little piece of me that died when I considered buying a pink Star Wars t-shirt for my 37 year old self.

What have I become?  I also marvelled at myself when I intervened in an argument between the children.  They were, uncharacteristically, bickering when Jake suddenly burst into tears.  The reason for the outburst was that Mark told him that of all the planets, he hated Tattooine the most.  This soul-destroying information just couldn’t be unsaid.  I spoke with Mark, and my exact words, my EXACT WORDS were “Honey, that really hurt Jake’s feelings.  How would you feel if he said he hated Naboo?” 

Who am I?

Another example of my burgeoning lameness is that the other day I purchased a bottle of Mrs. Dash.  I have always associated Mrs. Dash with the elderly who have been required by their health care providers to adopt a low-sodium diet.  I am now, apparently, a person who seasons food with Mrs. Dash.  I don’t even know what to think of this, except that I sprinkled it on my avocado-and-tomato quesadilla yesterday, and it was delicious. 

Other things that my former self would not have conceived of doing: spending hours photocopying things and becoming proficient at fixing paper jams, secretly becoming panicky and tiger-momish when my child gets four points docked on a bar graph unit test for not showing all the work, becoming sad when unable to obtain oven mitts that match my apron, and wondering if the socks-over-jeans-but-under-boots would be a good look for me. 


  1. This should make you feel better – I *have* a pink Star Wars t-shirt. It has an outline drawing of Boba Fett’s head. IT KICKS ALL THE ASS, JUST LIKE BOBA.

    I also have a bottle of Mrs. Dash in the cupboard – I season popcorn with it sometimes.

    I don’t have an apron but now I want one.

    Maybe they can give us adjoining rooms at the old folks’ home?

    • If they give us adjoining rooms, we can wear our matching Star Wars shirts. I will buy one then. Or we can wear our matching “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” shirt that I want to wear when I’m 90, because – hilarious!

      Now I want me some popcorn.

  2. Socks over jeans..inside boots…why didn’t I think of that??? will keep the snow out in the winter when walking over snow banks on the side walk loll

  3. I don’t like Mrs. Dash, but I think you’re really onto something with that socks over jeans inside boots thing. Also, if you still have enough energy to mourn your hipper young self, you’re ahead of most of us. Mwah!

  4. I…want Hannah’s shirt.

    Our latest SW discussion concerned picking your favorite character. (Obi-Wan OBV.)

  5. First of all: OMG SNOW. I am ill prepared for this turn of events. My heart goes out to you all.

    Second of all: Also want a pink Star Wars shirt. Maybe we could start a cool girl gang, just like in Grease! And we’d all wear pink Star Wars shirts and the “nice” girls would fear us! (Even I can’t keep a straight face, typing that out.)

    Third of all: I absolutely love it that your fight-dissolving comment about Naboo will be preserved forever. That’s legend…ary, right there.

  6. Naboo? Blergh. Sure it looks pretty, IF YOU’RE A HUMAN! But if you’re a Gungan? It’s the shits. You’ve got to live in the predator filled oceans. The Theed Royal Palace is built on a bedrock of lies and racial inequality. I’ll take gritty Tattoine over Naboo any day of the week. Though personally I find Hoth kind of charming — but I’m a pro-winter kind of gal.

    And despite all this knowledge, I still don’t own a Star Wars shirt. Go figure.

  7. 1. Socks over pant in boots – totally acceptable.
    2. I rocked an Elmo shirt for a couple years. Until I realized my enormous BOOBS made him look less Elmo and more …Elmo with mumps.
    3. Mrs. Dash, she’s OK.

  8. I think if your socks are over your jeans but under your boots, no one will see, right? So you are GO for socks over jeans under boots. In my opinion. Granted I am also a mom who now does things that are deplorable like say “don’t use words if you don’t know what they mean” or “I’ll give you something to cry about.” So you might not want to listen to me.

    Also I used to have a Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy tank top. I might still have it. If you start a gang of misfit moms in inappropriate t-shirts, let me know!

  9. You are a wonderful mother! I clean faces with saliva! LOL

  10. I’m still stuck on the freakin’ snow.

  11. Snow…shudder.
    My girlfriend up in Boyle got some snow too. Sucker. They call her “big city”.
    I bought myself a rainbow brite shirt. Yup. I only wear it in my house though…you know…to save my husband from embarrassment 🙂

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