Category Archives: Festivities

Come and trim the Christmas tree with some decorations (not) bought at Tiffany’s

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I am feeling SO FESTIVE right now, and not just because this was the lovely wintry scene when I walked the dog the other day:

Look at his adorable snowy face!  As I mentioned before, December is one of my favourite months even though when I hugged Jake today he complained of my icy cold corpse hands.  We always have a number of Advent calendars in the house: one in the shape of a strange-looking Santa that hangs on the broom closet door,

 
 
one of the Star Wars Lego variety stacked in front of two of the Lindor variety,
 

 
two of those kind-of-cheap chocolate ones where the chocolates always fall out of their spots, only to be found at a later date, much to the frustration of the young people in this house, who had been looking forward to their tiny crappy chocolate oh why oh why is it not there???
 
We also have a wooden refillable one that I have been filling with little notes about a festive activity that will occur on that particular day. 
 
 
 
I did this last year, after being inspired by my friend Lynn, who has way better ideas than I do.  The kids told me how much they were looking forward to it when we unpacked this calendar, and so although I thought they wouldn’t be interested, I am now writing little notes to be opened on that particular day.  And again I reiterate: I have very few festive ideas.  My ideas are generally things that we would do anyway, like sledding after school, or totally self-serving things, like getting the kids to watch Charlie Brown Christmas with me.  In fact, that is today’s activity and there was some considerable disappointment when it was opened.  “I like that show?  But I really wanted to go sledding.” Jake said.  Dear reader, I would like to point out that we went sledding after school yesterday and the day before, and we sled pretty much any day that there is snow on the ground and it’s not absolutely frigid outside.  This is why I have a minivan: to keep the sleds in on a permanent basis in the wintertime.  I reminded Jake that we could still go sledding, but we could also watch the Christmas special, and although there was some existential doubt – if it’s not in the Advent calendar, will it really happen – he seemed fairly satisfied.
 
The activity that was under door number 1 – December 1st! – was included only after the day’s activity had been actually accomplished: decorating the house and trimming the tree.  Come and trim my Christmas tree…with some decorations bought at Tiffany’s…
 
 
Okay, so not really Tiffany’s, but we had so much fun decorating the tree this year.  Often, these kind of activities with small children seem like they should be more fun but aren’t, what with the saving the ornaments from being destroyed and the wait until the lights are up before putting them on the tree and OMG dealing with totally impatient children who keep dropping all the little hooks on the floor only to be lodged in the sole of one’s foot.  The kids are now old enough to be trusted to set up the non-tree decorations in a semi-orderly and non-destructive fashion while my husband puts the tree together painstakingly, and with much perfectionism, winding the strings of lights on it, with me as his unenthusiastic and bored helper.  The little lights are not twinkling.  In any case, the process this year was a great deal of fun for everyone
 
 
   
except for the dog.
 
 
Poor Barkley!  It’s tough to be living in a world where you don’t speak the language, and just when you think you understand the customs of said world, things change.  Barkley deals with change not well.  THERE IS A TREE IN THE HOUSE WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.  WHY IS IT SPARKLY.  As well as being not well adapted for changing situations, Barkley also has zero sense of personal space, and so as we decorated the house he stood millimetres from my feet, a total tripping hazard, often with his nose pressed softly but yet so obtrusively on my leg.  Occasionally he would flop down on the floor, looking at us sadly, as if the tree and decorations were a horrible pox brought on the house.  I tried to get a nice picture with him
 
 
but he would not have it.  He would not have that shit.  He refused to do anything but look at the tree with sadness and the feeling that only he understood what this means, a tree in the house, plus fake snowmen, indicate that the world is ending.  Just like the Mayans said. 

Nicole’s Favourite Things: Holiday Edition Part 1

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Yes, you read that title correctly.  There will be a part two. 

Despite its darkness, and despite the fact that a) it was minus 12 this morning, b) my hands are constantly purple, and c) traffic and the streets are mayhem, I love December.  It is one of my favourite months; the approaching holidays and associated festivity just make me smile.

And hence a two-part post of my favourite things!  The first post shall be about gift ideas; the second post shall be random things I love about the holidays.

Related: every single time I think of the term “the holidays”, I think of NYPD Blue.  This may seem counterintuitive but if you – like me – are a fan of NYPD Blue, you may remember the famous Andy Sipowicz line, when he is threatening to put “a pole” up “the ass” of some internal agent who is up to “louse up” Lt. Fancy’s career.  “Let’s not quarrel, eh?  It’s the holidays.”  Word.

As always with my favourite things, I am not sponsored by any of the companies I talk about; I received nothing for free.  I just love these things and maybe you will too!

Nicole’s Favourite Things – Holiday Gift Edition

Wine

Nothing says “I love you” or “It looks like you could use a drink” or “How else do you get through family get-togethers?” like a bottle of wine, am I right?  Wine is a very simple and greatly appreciated gift for anyone, other than maybe teetotallers and recovering alcoholics.  I always love receiving wine, and I give bottles to people I don’t know very well but still want to give gifts to; for example, our school’s long-suffering secretary.  All you really need to know is if the recipient prefers red or white, but even then, it’s hard to go wrong.  I buy my wine in bulk from the Superstore liquor store; a $12 bottle of wine has a lot of gift bang-for-the-buck.

Chocolate

Not everybody loves chocolate, but the vast majority of people do.  ‘Tis the season for chocolatey goodness.  My personal favourite is mint chocolate, and number one on my list is a good old fashioned box of After Eights.  My children have inherited this from me; my husband came home with a box on Saturday, as a festive treat and MAYBE to get lucky, and 3/4 of that box is now gone.  I had ONE.  This is why I’m hiding the dark chocolate peppermint Godivas from the children.

I’m also hoping to get some in my stocking (some chocolate, not something something some, if you know what I mean and I think you do).  I haven’t seen any peppermint Lindors yet this year, but maybe Santa will come through for me.  Santa baby, just slip some mint chocolate under the tree, for me.  Been an awful good girl.

Sweaters

Cozy sweaters are a fabulous gift idea, and are simple for the giver: sizing is generally small/medium/large, so it’s forgiving if you don’t know someone’s exact dimensions.  I love a nice cozy (black) sweater, and Jacob has a wide selection.  Ever since I embraced the skinny jeans trend I have also embraced the big flowy sweater.  They are so snuggly and if you happen to have a muffin top peeking over those skinny jeans, they conceal it nicely.  I think this one is super cute:

However, I am probably not getting one for Christmas since I have several drawers that are stuffed full of black sweaters and my husband seems to think that is plenty in the black sweater department.

Sweaters are a nice gift for the man in your life, as well.   

Ha!  I kid.  If I gave this to my husband, there might be a divorce, or at the very least, no one would be getting a “present from Santa” if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

Lotions, potions, and beauty products

One of my favourite gifts to receive is a bottle of scented body lotion.  Calgary is a very dry climate, add that to going back and forth from dry indoor heat to the dry frigid outdoors, and the semi-obsessive handwashing that accompanies cold and flu season, and I go through a lot of lotion.  I don’t wear perfume, so I like to have nice girly scented lotions; my favourites are from Bath and Body Works, which frequently has a buy three/ get three sale.  My wintry favourites are Twilight Woods, Moonlight Path, and Secret Wonderland, but there are just so many to choose from. 

My views on “natural” deodorants are generally that such products are aimed at smelly hippies, who remain smelly hippies even when using said products.  I dislike the chemicals in regular antiperspirants but have always been a skeptic about natural deodorants.  However, my friend makes these products and now I’m a believer.  One of our mutual friends – who is very athletic – told me that they really do work, and so I was persuaded to try it.  I sweat a lot during yoga, and the deodorant still held up.  In fact, I asked a friend – who is an ANGEL and a very, very good person – to smell me after a sweaty Sunday morning Primary Series, and she said not only did I not stink like a hippie, but I actually SMELLED GOOD.  That should be endorsement enough, I think.

It makes a great stocking stuffer, although it might seem strange to give someone deodorant as a gift – if you don’t know the recipient well it might seem like you are trying to tell them something – but the jar is so pretty!  And the scents come with fun names like Sweet Jane, Sexy Sadie, and Lucy in the Sky.  There is even a men’s scent called – get this – Johnny’s Cash.  Cute!  If you can talk the man in your life into trying a natural deodorant, which is no small feat if you have a non-hippie husband.

Pajamas

There is something so luxurious about a new pair of jammies.  I eschew anything remotely sexy when it comes to sleepwear.  I’m all about fuzzy flannel bottoms and tops that are emblazoned with Snoopy or Hello Kitty.  Part of this is because I just like cozy pj’s, dammit, and part of this is because I like to have my children choose them for me.  It’s amazing I don’t have Star Wars or Angry Birds on my pajamas. 

Jewelry

Is there any woman alive who doesn’t like a nice piece of jewelry?  I have been wearing silver hoop earrings since I was thirteen years old, this year I told my mother I’m hoping for silver stud earrings and I think she fell over.  She kept repeating “You don’t want HOOP earrings?  Silver hoops?”  I’m all unpredictable now, yo.  Last year I had a Pandora bracelet on my wish list and my over-indulgent husband actually gave me two:



The greatest thing about the charm bracelet is that it’s a gift that keeps on giving!  New charms are always a lovely gift idea, for any occasion.

*****************************************************************************

Looking for more gift ideas than these Nicole-centric ones?  Look no further: my friend Beck put together a list of non-Oprah-like gift ideas last year (full disclosure: I was one of her writers, and you MAY see a few similarities between last year’s list and this one), and for the Trekkie in your life visit my friend Nan’s site. 

FEEL THE ENERGY

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Every month, I realize anew that my complete lack of energy for a week, followed by super-strength-energizer-bunny energy is actually related to my, how shall I put this, lady cycles.  And yet every month I find myself wondering what is wrong with me, and why am I so tired?  Last week everything was a massive effort: yoga was slow going, walking the dog was exhausting, making the beds was the wooooooorst.  I could barely heat up pasta sauce and boil noodles without collapsing on the kitchen floor; then yesterday I woke up with the “I’m going to clean the house!” feeling, and found myself scrubbing that same kitchen floor, moving all the appliances and polishing the granite, and washing down all the cupboards with a homemade solution of hot water, vinegar, and dish soap.  Later I grocery shopped, played Just Dance with the boys – earning myself four stars on A-Ha’s Take On Me, just saying – created a recipe for and made tomato coconut soup, and took the dog on a brisk, long walk.  Anyone want some waffles?  Guys?  Waffles?  I enjoy these energy bursts but a little less variance would be nice.

It was a lovely weekend, complete with my husband’s office Christmas party on Friday and a potluck party on Saturday, where I developed an obsession with eggplant, specifically with vegan eggplant rollatini.  My friend gave me his recipe and now I’m going to attempt to recreate it.  Maybe I’ll make it for Christmas Eve dinner, so I can have something to eat while my husband and children eat steak.  Christmas Eve we spend at home, traditionally watching Elf and moving Jake’s bed into Mark’s room so they can have a “sleepover”.  Lately I’ve been thinking that we should have a Christmas Eve food tradition.  On Christmas Day we go to my parents, where my mom makes a turkey and I gorge on variations of yam and sweet potato dishes and chocolate Yule log – the best dessert ever – but Christmas Eve…well, Marilyn said it best.  We asked the boys what they wanted for a special Christmas Eve dinner and they unanimously requested barbecued steak.  In December.  But my husband agreed to suck it up, bundle up and barbecue, so I think having a vegan eggplant rollatini for myself and for anyone else who might try it (i.e., no one) might be just the ticket.  Festive meals in the Boyhouse – steak and eggplant.

The other day I was listening happily to my 70s soft-pop station and singing along.  I was making dinner at the time and had my hands full, so when Baby Ima Want You came on, I called into the living room to get one of the boys to turn it up.  “I love this song!” I said.  “I DON’T.” Jake said emphatically.  “This is a VEGETARIAN SONG.  Meat-eaters like songs that are more rocking.”  Out of the mouths of babes, I say.  Not that I don’t enjoy some good rocking tunes myself, but it seems he is onto something.  We have been classifying music as vegetarian and carnivore ever since.   

I am feeling very festive today: it’s less than a month until Christmas, and last night we turned on our outdoor lights, the excitement hangover of which has caused me to hum Christmas songs all morning.  Have yourself a merry little Christmas, I sang while blow-drying my hair this morning, and when I turned off the dryer I discovered the boys were also singing Christmas songs, but the kind where they were celebrating the snow turning red from dead Santa, along with Batman being stinky and Robin laying eggs.  We have also been celebrating the return of the fireplace channel on TV.  Nothing says festive excitement like watching the crackling logs of the fireplace channel, interspersed with the thrill of seeing the plaid-shirted guy put another log on, or poke the fire.  Squee!  At least once a night, at least one of the boys makes a comment about Santa coming down chimneys and becoming consumed by the fires therein.  


Speaking of being burned, I was putting something into the oven and I accidentally touched the upper rack and burned the back of my hand.  Then, two days later, I did the exact same thing in the exact same place.  This tiny burn hurts so much it is making me extraordinarily sympathetic to actual burn victims.  The thoughts in my head go something like this: wahhh, my hand hurts so much!  Shut up, you baby.  Think about people who have burns all over their bodies!  Think of that!  But my hand hurts!  Wah!

November 1st equals Christmas

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There have been a number of Very Sad, Moderately Sad, and Mildly Sad things going on in the Boyhouse and in the world at large this week.  Happily, general Halloween festivities and related sugary and non-sugary joy have cheered me, as well as the fact that as of 11:00 this morning, I have finished my Christmas shopping, aside from a couple of stocking stuffers and teacher gift cards.  I AM FINISHED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!  Hilariously, as I was leaving the mall, a very flamboyant Bay employee was busily setting up a large Christmas tree, and as he was doing so he was flamboyantly berating his fellow employee for not putting the decorations on with pizazz.  PIZAZZ.  I didn’t realize that word was still in general circulation but nonetheless it cheered me nearly as much as finishing my Christmas shopping prior to the Bay’s Christmas tree being set up.

I am famous in my circle for being an early shopper, mostly because I dislike crowds and the opposite of the Christmas spirit that pervades the mall starting in late November.  I dislike the feeling that someone is going to road ragedly run me over in the parking lot, or that I’m going to witness some kind of murder over a parking spot, or that I’m going to be crushed to death in a stampede at Toys R Us.  I met a very dear friend for coffee a few weeks ago, a friend who I’ve known for 23 years, and she asked me very seriously if I had finished my shopping yet.  “Almost!” I said cheerfully, and she smiled at me like the pathological early bird I am.

But why am I talking about Christmas when we’ve just finished Halloween?  I hope your Halloween was lovely.  We had a grand total of seven trick or treaters, all of whom got handfuls and handfuls of fun-sized M&M’s from me.  My own kids were, as usual, overly indulged as they are the pets of the neighbourhood, the only little kids on our street.  I love our neighbours.  Our doorbell rang at 5:30, and I opened it to find not a trick or treater, but an elderly lady who told me that since she and her husband were going out for the evening, she was dropping off candy for the boys.  Sweet!  In addition to that kindness, the boys went up and down our street and came back loaded with treats – tons of candy, full-sized chocolate bars, big buckets of candy popcorn, and funny treats purchased just for them.  So much kindness!  Also – so many Rockets!  I’ve only snuck one package out of their bags, so I’m congratulating myself on my own inner strength.  Like a rock, I am.

A few of my friends in milder climates posted photos of their children in JUST Halloween costumes, and I stared at those pictures with envy and mild disbelief.  It was minus six degrees here, and kind of snowy.  But what kind of Calgary girl would I be if I didn’t know how to fashion a Halloween costume that incorporates winter wear?

Puffy! 

Today, in addition to going to the mall, I went to Wal Mart, which is never particularly fun but is often interesting from a sociological point of view.  I needed a few snack items since I have some girlfriends and their children coming over tomorrow night.  If I stepped back and looked at my cart with someone else’s eyes, I would be judging the hell out of my purchases.  Here’s what I had: Gold Bond hand lotion, three bags of fun-sized Hershey bars, a box of Sleep-Eze pills, a package of Angry Birds bandaids, five “family-sized” bags of assorted potato and tortilla chips, a 2L bottle of Coke Zero, and a double pack of toilet bowl cleaner.  Fortunately I did not see anyone I knew.  I did, however, see a very large man at the pharmacy wearing fleece pajama pants in a Papa Smurf motif, and I swear I have seen that same man, in that same outfit, at that very same pharmacy before. 

Give Mom the Rockets and No One Gets Hurt

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Happy Monday/ Full Moon Day, everyone!  We are just coming off the high of a long weekend – it was a PD day on Friday, which was joyfully spent painting clay creations and playing video games with friends.  Thursday night was the much-anticipated Halloween Dance and it was everything everyone had ever dreamed of, and more.

Good times!  And, as promised, my non-slutty costume:

Arrrrrr!

The weekend was also spent carving pumpkins, which means that my kids make the designs for the faces, my husband does the actual carving, and I spend a great deal of time separating the pumpkin seeds from the gross, gross pumpkin goo.  I am, apparently, the only person who actually wants to eat the pumpkin seeds, and so I end up with orange stained, burning hands and pumpkin in my hair.

 
Can you spot the pumpkin in my hair?
 
The finished products were adorable, in my own view.
 
 
Is it strange to feel that Halloween is already over?  I keep reminding myself that it’s not actually Halloween until WEDNESDAY.  Maybe it’s because I’m in denial – it is supposed to be a daily high of ONE DEGREE on Wednesday, not that I’m the one who takes the kids trick-or-treating, but still.  I will probably sit with the giant bowl of candy, waiting for the non-existent trick-or-treaters to ring my doorbell.  As usual I have purchased a very large amount of candy, and mark my words, it will be a miracle if we have more than five trick-or-treaters.  Which means that not only will we have leftover candy to last us until the apocalypse, but the kids will receive enormous amounts from our neighbours who have similarly over-purchased candy.  It’s a Halloween tradition in the old-people neighbourhood that I live in!
 
Speaking of candy, I have a bit of a culture-shock thing going with our neighbours to the south.  In the United States, Smarties are – get this – NOT CANDY COATED CHOCOLATE.  American Smarties are, apparently, what is known in Canada as Rockets.  These seem to be universally despised as a treat, but for me, they are the first item I pilfer from my kids’ bags.  Rockets are like crack cocaine to me.  Sugary crack cocaine.  As well, Coffee Crisp does not exist in the States, which gave me a shock, like when I discovered that ketchup chips are not widely available there.
 
So here is my question of the day: what is your favourite Halloween treat, or if you are a parent, what is the first thing you steal from your kids’ stash?

Domination by cookie baking

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The Boyhouse is vibrating with excitement today.  It’s the Halloween Family Dance and I am just going to say that I feel badly for the teachers today.  They are going to be dealing with some bouncy kids.  Also, my own kids snuck cookies before school this morning, so they may be riding the sugar train.

I spent a large portion of the day yesterday making these cookies for the bake sale.  In my world, first you make the cookies, then you get the power.  WORLD DOMINATION VIA THE HALLOWEEN DANCE BAKE SALE.  That’s my motto.

Mark informed his classmates that his mother was bringing the best cookies ever to the bake sale, and so I had to comply.  What else to do?  Can’t disappoint a class full of third graders.  He also told me that he is planning to bring some allowance to the dance; he wants to buy one of my friend’s cupcakes (that feature gummy candy!) and also he wants to buy one of my ghost cookies.  Puzzled, I told him that he didn’t have to buy one; I made extras for us to have at home.  He feels, however, that an example needs to be set.  A cookie buying example, I guess.

I am going to be starting to do book reviews on this blog, which I thought would be very fun.  However, the first book that I am going to review is a Chicken Soup for the Soul book about, of all things, hockey.  Why I agreed to review this book is honestly beyond me.  I mean, I’ve never in my life read one of those Chicken Soup books, not to mention I don’t even like hockey.  However.  Look for a review of this book soon.  As soon as I finish slogging through it.  Hockey.  What was I thinking?

In other news, a friend sent me a bunch of old advertisements from years gone by, and they are truly amusing.  Some of them are the “Doctors Who Smoke Prefer Camels!” type of advertising, which makes me think of Mad Men, and makes me long for the days before I had watched all the episodes, when I still had something television-wise to look forward to.  This advertisement really made me laugh:

Oh, hahaha double entrendre!  I think that’s pretty bad advice, actually.  Attention menfolk: most women would NOT be at all thrilled if you blew in their faces, smoke or otherwise.  Gross!  Two things about this advertisement: I wish I had that woman’s eyelashes (do you think they are fake?  They must be), and the guy looks disturbingly like my younger brother.  I mean, the resemblance is uncanny.  Except my brother often has a giant pornstache or beard or porkchop-like sideburns, but if he was clean shaven he would look JUST LIKE THIS GUY.  Which is weird on just so many levels, I can’t even.

Anyway!  Time to sign off, dear readers, I have much to do before the big event tonight.  For one thing, I FINALLY have a hair appointment, so I can kiss my inch-and-a-half grey roots goodbye.  Also, I need to prepare for an early dinner, fold a pile of laundry, and drop off the cookies at the school or my world/bake sale domination plan will be ruined.  Pictures of everyone’s costume – including my own non-slutty one – to follow.  Stay tuned! xoxo

Do you know how hard it is to find a non-slutty pirate costume?

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It’s only eight days until the second-most-anticipated event in my household, second only to Christmas, and that is the school’s annual Family Halloween Dance.  It is, without a doubt, the social event of the season, and it is over by 8:30 pm, which is to say that it is my kind of party.  My husband allowed me to choose his costume this year, although he balked at this one:

 
Why, HELLO there, little lady.  Of course, dressing up like a cowboy when you live in Calgary IS kind of lame.  I mean, that’s why we have Stampede.  So instead, I chose this one:
 

 
I KNOW, RIGHT?  Bow chicka wow wow.  “You can wear it other times, too,” I said lasciviously.  It came with an interchangeable name tag: Goose or Maverick.  I would have much rather it came with an “Ice” name tag, but one takes what one can get.  And I am certainly no crazy-ass-Tom-Cruise fan, but would anyone really choose Goose?  The plaque for the alternates is down the hall in the ladies’ room.
 
So my husband is finally fulfilling my dreams and dressing up like a naval aviator.  Now all he has to do is serenade me with You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling at a bar and all will be well.  While I wear my pink sweater tied around my shoulders.  In any case, I needed to find a costume for myself but I did not think this was appropriate attire for the Family Dance:
 
 
 
Plus being so matchy-matchy is a little cutesy.  Maybe for some other kind of dance.  I am always blown away by the sheer volume of slutty Halloween costumes that are available to women, and always a little disturbed by the lack of normal, family friendly costumes.  I know I’ve written about this before – click the link to see a slutty Finding Nemo and Blueberry Muffin – but seriously.  Seriously.  I have grave doubts in my mind for anyone who purchases this outfit:
 
 
It’s new for 2012!  Are those supposed to be…bullets?  Disturbing on a number of levels.  Not to mention dangerous for one’s nipples.  Oh!  But if you do want an army motif and you don’t want to be almost totally naked at your Halloween festivities, then consider this little number:
 
Or maybe you’re more of a Navy girl?  No fear.  This one is called the High Seas Honey:

I don’t mean to belittle here, but that is actually really ugly.  A romper?  Speaking of unflattering for the vast majority of the population, here is one that I was not surprised to see was on clearance:

 
 
Thos horizontal stripes are nobody’s friend.  Also, I’m not sure if this is a costume or just some bizarre nautical piece featured on fashion runways twenty years ago.
 
I decided, after some discussion with the children – who are going as a vampire and Luke Skywalker – that I would dress up as a pirate.  My word.  Have you ever tried to find a non-slutty pirate costume?  Have you?  IT IS NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS.  In fact, I did find, after hours of searching, a costume that is normal, non-whorish, and even cute.  But first I looked at these:
 

Ahoy there matey!  I will wear this to the Family Dance and then I will be banned from all school functions from here to eternity.  So much cleavage! 

 
NEW FOR 2012!  Super skanky, shiny, AND slutty.  A trifecta!  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.  There was also this little number which, to be honest, costume retailers, is more of a tutu than a pirate costume:
 

 
I also discovered this one, which came in one size.  One size fits most.  Now, how is that possible?  How is it possible to get a skirt, blouse, and vest thingy that fits most?  It seems like more specific measurements are needed for this particular outfit, which is unfortunate, because this particular outfit was among the least-slutty of the bunch.  Sure, it’s a little short, but it’s no bright pink 6-inch tutu.
 
 
Here’s the thing: after you start looking at one slutty group of costumes (pirates are a group), it is impossible to look away from other groups.  It’s fascinating.  There is a whole section on sexy clowns:
 
 
 
I’m not sure I would consider this “sexy” so much as I would consider this “weird”. 
 

 
And this one says more “skanky crazy person who misread Alice in Wonderland” than “sexy clown”.  But maybe it’s just because I don’t ever, ever, ever think of clowns in “sexy” terms.  I mean, is that a thing?  Are there men out there getting boners for clowns?  If so, why?  The face makeup?  The riding of tiny tricycles?  The pom-poms and ventriloquism? 
 
As an aside, for Jake’s fourth birthday we had a clown, and her name was Button the Clown.  I do not think she was remotely sexy, but maybe all around town certain menfolk were talking their wives into hiring Button for their children’s birthday party and then sexing the hell out of those same wives later that night, remembering how fiercely she made balloon animals. 
 
Further digression: when I called to book Button her husband answered.  Her husband who was also a clown.  A clown named Buddy.  I told my friend about the marriage between Button and Buddy and she wondered if they had little clown babies and I tell you this: the unsettling image that popped into my head made me question my own sanity. 
 

 
You know.  Now why would THIS be on clearance?
 
Given my recent unintended acquisition of Popeye related bodybuilding paraphernalia, I was amused to think of myself dressing up like Olive Oyl.  As I recall, Olive Oyl’s skirt was way longer and her sweater way less filled out:
 
 
 
I do find it more than a little creepy when I see slutty rendition of popular children’s characters, such as the afore mentioned slutty Blueberry Muffin or slutty Finding Nemo, but this Hello Kitty outfit strikes that fine balance between slutty, ugly, and also kind of creepy:
 
 
 
Potential Hello Kitty costume purchasers: from a fashion standpoint, almost nothing is less flattering than a romper suit.  The hat-and-mittens combo is just weird.  So, you’re left with an unflattering romper suit, and what is sure to be an uncomfortably warm and impossible-to-hold-a-drink-with hat and mittens combination.  The shoes and stockings are NOT included.  This is $42 plus tax and shipping, which seems excessive for the world’s ugliest/creepiest Hello Kitty costume. 
 
One thing I do not think that costume retailers understand is that wearing an outfit that has a silkscreened picture of a character does not indicate that a person is dressed up as that character.  If I put on a shirt that has Princess Leia on it, that does not mean that I am dressed up as Princess Leia.  (This is meant to be illustrative only, I do not have such a shirt.)  And therefore wearing a tiny white dress with a picture of Smurfette on it does not mean one is actually dressed up as Smurfette, even if the outfit does come with a Smurfy hat:
 
 
 
 
Same goes for Miss Piggy,
 
 
“Sassy Bedtime Bear” Care Bear, or
 
 
 
Tweety Bird.  As a side note, who would ever want to dress up like slutty Tweety Bird?  Tweety Bird is one of the most annoying characters in the history of cartoons. 
 
 
 
 
Are your kids into Katy Perry?  Mine enjoy her music, and I groove along to California Gurrls with them, but I think that if a person ever wore this to the Halloween Family Dance their child would likely require some serious therapy.