Do you know how hard it is to find a non-slutty pirate costume?

It’s only eight days until the second-most-anticipated event in my household, second only to Christmas, and that is the school’s annual Family Halloween Dance.  It is, without a doubt, the social event of the season, and it is over by 8:30 pm, which is to say that it is my kind of party.  My husband allowed me to choose his costume this year, although he balked at this one:

Why, HELLO there, little lady.  Of course, dressing up like a cowboy when you live in Calgary IS kind of lame.  I mean, that’s why we have Stampede.  So instead, I chose this one:

I KNOW, RIGHT?  Bow chicka wow wow.  “You can wear it other times, too,” I said lasciviously.  It came with an interchangeable name tag: Goose or Maverick.  I would have much rather it came with an “Ice” name tag, but one takes what one can get.  And I am certainly no crazy-ass-Tom-Cruise fan, but would anyone really choose Goose?  The plaque for the alternates is down the hall in the ladies’ room.
So my husband is finally fulfilling my dreams and dressing up like a naval aviator.  Now all he has to do is serenade me with You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling at a bar and all will be well.  While I wear my pink sweater tied around my shoulders.  In any case, I needed to find a costume for myself but I did not think this was appropriate attire for the Family Dance:
Plus being so matchy-matchy is a little cutesy.  Maybe for some other kind of dance.  I am always blown away by the sheer volume of slutty Halloween costumes that are available to women, and always a little disturbed by the lack of normal, family friendly costumes.  I know I’ve written about this before – click the link to see a slutty Finding Nemo and Blueberry Muffin – but seriously.  Seriously.  I have grave doubts in my mind for anyone who purchases this outfit:
It’s new for 2012!  Are those supposed to be…bullets?  Disturbing on a number of levels.  Not to mention dangerous for one’s nipples.  Oh!  But if you do want an army motif and you don’t want to be almost totally naked at your Halloween festivities, then consider this little number:
Or maybe you’re more of a Navy girl?  No fear.  This one is called the High Seas Honey:

I don’t mean to belittle here, but that is actually really ugly.  A romper?  Speaking of unflattering for the vast majority of the population, here is one that I was not surprised to see was on clearance:

Thos horizontal stripes are nobody’s friend.  Also, I’m not sure if this is a costume or just some bizarre nautical piece featured on fashion runways twenty years ago.
I decided, after some discussion with the children – who are going as a vampire and Luke Skywalker – that I would dress up as a pirate.  My word.  Have you ever tried to find a non-slutty pirate costume?  Have you?  IT IS NOT AS EASY AS IT SOUNDS.  In fact, I did find, after hours of searching, a costume that is normal, non-whorish, and even cute.  But first I looked at these:

Ahoy there matey!  I will wear this to the Family Dance and then I will be banned from all school functions from here to eternity.  So much cleavage! 

NEW FOR 2012!  Super skanky, shiny, AND slutty.  A trifecta!  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.  There was also this little number which, to be honest, costume retailers, is more of a tutu than a pirate costume:

I also discovered this one, which came in one size.  One size fits most.  Now, how is that possible?  How is it possible to get a skirt, blouse, and vest thingy that fits most?  It seems like more specific measurements are needed for this particular outfit, which is unfortunate, because this particular outfit was among the least-slutty of the bunch.  Sure, it’s a little short, but it’s no bright pink 6-inch tutu.
Here’s the thing: after you start looking at one slutty group of costumes (pirates are a group), it is impossible to look away from other groups.  It’s fascinating.  There is a whole section on sexy clowns:
I’m not sure I would consider this “sexy” so much as I would consider this “weird”. 

And this one says more “skanky crazy person who misread Alice in Wonderland” than “sexy clown”.  But maybe it’s just because I don’t ever, ever, ever think of clowns in “sexy” terms.  I mean, is that a thing?  Are there men out there getting boners for clowns?  If so, why?  The face makeup?  The riding of tiny tricycles?  The pom-poms and ventriloquism? 
As an aside, for Jake’s fourth birthday we had a clown, and her name was Button the Clown.  I do not think she was remotely sexy, but maybe all around town certain menfolk were talking their wives into hiring Button for their children’s birthday party and then sexing the hell out of those same wives later that night, remembering how fiercely she made balloon animals. 
Further digression: when I called to book Button her husband answered.  Her husband who was also a clown.  A clown named Buddy.  I told my friend about the marriage between Button and Buddy and she wondered if they had little clown babies and I tell you this: the unsettling image that popped into my head made me question my own sanity. 

You know.  Now why would THIS be on clearance?
Given my recent unintended acquisition of Popeye related bodybuilding paraphernalia, I was amused to think of myself dressing up like Olive Oyl.  As I recall, Olive Oyl’s skirt was way longer and her sweater way less filled out:
I do find it more than a little creepy when I see slutty rendition of popular children’s characters, such as the afore mentioned slutty Blueberry Muffin or slutty Finding Nemo, but this Hello Kitty outfit strikes that fine balance between slutty, ugly, and also kind of creepy:
Potential Hello Kitty costume purchasers: from a fashion standpoint, almost nothing is less flattering than a romper suit.  The hat-and-mittens combo is just weird.  So, you’re left with an unflattering romper suit, and what is sure to be an uncomfortably warm and impossible-to-hold-a-drink-with hat and mittens combination.  The shoes and stockings are NOT included.  This is $42 plus tax and shipping, which seems excessive for the world’s ugliest/creepiest Hello Kitty costume. 
One thing I do not think that costume retailers understand is that wearing an outfit that has a silkscreened picture of a character does not indicate that a person is dressed up as that character.  If I put on a shirt that has Princess Leia on it, that does not mean that I am dressed up as Princess Leia.  (This is meant to be illustrative only, I do not have such a shirt.)  And therefore wearing a tiny white dress with a picture of Smurfette on it does not mean one is actually dressed up as Smurfette, even if the outfit does come with a Smurfy hat:
Same goes for Miss Piggy,
“Sassy Bedtime Bear” Care Bear, or
Tweety Bird.  As a side note, who would ever want to dress up like slutty Tweety Bird?  Tweety Bird is one of the most annoying characters in the history of cartoons. 
Are your kids into Katy Perry?  Mine enjoy her music, and I groove along to California Gurrls with them, but I think that if a person ever wore this to the Halloween Family Dance their child would likely require some serious therapy.



  1. Dear god.

    Also this: “One thing I do not think that costume retailers understand is that wearing an outfit that has a silkscreened picture of a character does not indicate that a person is dressed up as that character.” YES YES YES THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY.

    I have wondered what on EARTH women do if they want to dress in a costume. I wonder if they have to pillage the men’s costume section?

  2. Redneck Mommy says

    I’d totally wear that Katy Perry outfit. With my muffin top, side rolls and hint of back fat, not to mention the cellulite and stretch marks, I’d be the SCARIEST COSTUME AROUND.

    People would have nightmares for years.

    (I went shopping for a costume myself last week and walked out empty handed. But only because I didn’t see the Katy Perry outfit. Snort.)

  3. God, how I HATE the smocks / tunics / whatever screen printed with the Thing You Are Supposed to be Dressed As. I hate it for toddlers, for heaven’s sake – I had no idea it was a thing they are now selling to adult women. Sad.

    My baby sister – she’s eleven years younger – has worn the Sexy Occupation type costumes before. In public. In BARS. And then posed for drunken pictures on Facebook.

    I am so proud.

  4. Thanks>>I really needed a laugh today and this was hilarious!!!

  5. Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel says

    I can’t stop laughing to come up with a witty comment. I definitely say go with Katy Perry. Your kids will never speak to you again!
    I’m going as Road Kill on Saturday. I feel like road kill these days, so thought that would be a perfect costume!

    Enjoy! Looking forward to pictures!


  6. Well this entire post was disturbing on many levels, but by far the creepiest idea I think I’ve ever seen is the sexy clown. Clowns are just creepy as hell to me every since Poltergeist. The thought of someone finding them sexy in any way is deeply disturbing. 50 Shades of Gray? No problem. Sexy clowns? Whoa! Slow your kinky roll my friend.


  1. […] it was a bust, and for the Costume Family Dance on Friday, I’m definitely digging out my non-slutty pirate costume or my witch’s hat, because I just can’t go through that […]

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