Author Archives: Nicole Boyhouse

Happy Festivus!

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This is not really a ranting type of blog. I’m not so much a ranting girl. But it’s Festivus! Grievances must be aired.

I have a major grievance against people who send their contagious kids to school, or allow their contagious kids to be in confined public spaces with other non-sick children. Especially the week before Christmas. Even when Santa is visiting the pre-kindergarten class. Especially when the contagions are of the vomiting variety. Jake is feeling much better – heartbreakingly skinny, but better – but now Mark is unwell. Today I had two things to accomplish: I needed to take the dog to the groomer’s and I needed to buy groceries. It’s minus 20 and I didn’t think that taking out one recovering child and one potentially vomiting child was a particularly good idea, so I accomplished both tasks before my husband left for work. Which meant I went out while still in my sweaty yoga clothes. And I didn’t have makeup on. This might not be a big deal to all you “I couldn’t be bothered with makeup” girls, but I apply a nice fresh coat of lip gloss prior to walking my dog, so going to the grocery store makeup-less and sweaty is actually a big deal for me. Blah, blah, vanity, blah, blah, I know. So here is the chain of events: a still-contagious child is brought to the pre-kindergarten Santa visit, and I end up in the grocery store with no makeup. No good can come of that.

I read a magazine article about a woman who spends thousands of dollars a year buying Christmas gifts for 150 people. I don’t have a grievance against that, per se, but at the end of the article the woman says that Christmas Day is a great time to get ideas for the next year’s gifts, because people are always talking about what they wanted and didn’t get. Really? Who are those people? I have a grievance against those people. Someone gave you a gift and it wasn’t what you wanted? It’s a gift, you asshole. A gift. You want something else, go out on Boxing Day and buy it.

Hey, it’s kind of fun, this ranting thing! Too bad it’s not Festivus every day.

Other grievances which just irritate me so much I don’t even want to spend my mental energy on them include the words Gosselin and Balloon Boy, people who don’t have children but have very strong opinions on how children should be raised, people who have road rage in parking lots, and elderly people who really should not be driving who are driving gigantic vehicles which almost run over you when you are walking with your four-year-old in the Co-Op parking lot. Although, my mother-in-law tells this hilarious story about an elderly lady who drove through her beauty parlor window – no one was hurt, but the ladies sitting under those big hair dryers were pretty shaken up. Evidently the woman meant to put her car in reverse, although it seems like that would have been just as disastrous, an elderly woman speeding in reverse through the parking lot.

Happy Festivus, everyone! Feel free to air your grievances!

Christmastime…is here….

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Nearly every year that we have been together, my husband and I have gone to Banff for a night around Christmas time. It’s a lovely tradition – Banff is so beautiful at Christmas with the lights, and the snow, and the mountains – and that is what we did this weekend. This was the first time since having kids that I was actually relaxed about leaving them, despite the fact that Jake was unusually clingy when we left (foreshadowing).

I called a couple of times when we arrived and my mother assured me everything was going well, but she mentioned Jake seemed quiet (more foreshadowing). Reassured by my phone calls, my husband and I proceeded to have a lovely night away. Walking by the river! Hot-tubbing! Dinner in a restaurant! Drinks and (very bad) live music at a pub! So much fun, and I was so happy, somewhat drunk, and full of that Christmassy-feeling.

When we got home the next day, the boys came to greet me at the door. Jake took one look at me and barfed.

I tried not to take it personally.

Last year, Christmas vacation was marked by all of us getting colds (mine lasting a spectacular FOUR WEEKS), Mark spending Christmas Day barfing, and Jake getting a high fever and ear infection that culminated in a perforated ear drum. This chain of illness was kicked off by…get this…Jake barfing while we were on our Banff trip! So I’m a little worried that history is going to repeat itself. Which is silly. What good can possibly come of fretting about getting sick? If we’re going to get sick, we’re going to get sick. No use in worrying.

But what if that is my destiny forever? What if one day we have a germ-free Christmas and I’m all “Christmas just doesn’t seem like Christmas without any vomit!” (Sorry, Louisa May Alcott).

Ah well. Jake seems better today – not normal, mind you, but better. So I guess I will hope for the best and not spend any energy worrying about it.

A Christmas Meme

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Yesterday was the last day of school before winter break and the kids were appropriately excited. We spent the afternoon baking and decorating piles of cookies – gingerbread men and various shaped sugar cookies. As you know, I am extremely Type A about many things but cookie decorating (or any kind of decorating) is not one of them. I give the kids their own dough, and a dozen or so of their own cookies, and their own frosting tubes, and then not worry about the final product. So, generally what happens is that Mark very carefully decorates, and eats, several cookies. Jake piles an inch or so of frosting on each of his cookies, and eats them immediately after. The end result was two sugar high children speeding around the house until they collapsed into sobbing, hysterical heaps a few hours later. Christmas joy!

Speaking of Christmas joy, I stole this meme from the Happy Geek, so here goes:

Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Eggnog disgusts me on so many different levels, so I guess hot chocolate by default, although I don’t really drink that either. My holiday beverage of choice is coffee with Bailey’s, or for a non-alcoholic treat, a peppermint latte.

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? Oh, Santa. You’ve burned up in the chimney of our minds. However, we do fill stockings which are, supposedly, from Santa.

Coloured Lights on a tree or white? Coloured.

Do you hang Mistletoe? No, I just kiss whoever I feel like whenever.

When do you put your decorations up? Normally I wait until the first weekend of December, but this year it was late November. They go down on Boxing Day or shortly after, since by then I am tired of bumping into things in my teeny living room.

What is your favorite Holiday Dish? Hm. My mom’s butterhorns? Does a sweet bun count as a dish? They’re pretty yummy.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The kids do.How do you decorate your Christmas tree? It’s a gigantic jumble of ornaments. I like the kids to decorate it however they like. It takes the pressure off.

Snow. Love it or Hate it? I like snow in the appropriate months. I wish I didn’t see snow April through September. But, I live in Calgary, so wishing ain’t getting.

Can you ice skate? I used to actually figure skate when I was a kid.

What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? .My mom’s chocolate Yule log. It’s chocolately and whipped-creamy, and eating more than one piece will leave you bloated and lethargic, like any good holiday dessert.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? In a strange way, making our crazed gingerbread house. Also watching the movie Elf. ALSO – and this is happening today – our annual overnight trip to Banff, sans kids. Only 1 1/2 hours until we leave!!! More to come on that front.

Candy Canes. Yum or Yuck? I don’t mind candy canes, but I don’t really eat them either.

Favorite Christmas Show? I have three: Elf – best movie ever, Christmas Vacation – makes my family look slightly less insane, and Charlie Brown Christmas.

This was a fun meme to do, so feel free to copy.

Jingle Bell Rock

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With the exception of people who do not celebrate Christmas, I probably have the lowest Christmas stress level in the city. My shopping has been finished for over a month, my “holiday baking” consists of making and freezing dough when I feel like it and then thawing and baking said dough into cookies when I have time, and, if it wasn’t already abundantly obvious to readers of this blog, I am not exactly Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating so I don’t get worked up about it. My in-laws do not like to travel at Christmas so I don’t have company to worry about. I don’t host any family meals, which may or may not be a reflection of my cooking ability. My blood pressure stays nice and low during the Christmas season.

My mother is like that too – except she always hosts meals and when I was a kid we always had a seasonal houseful of company – Christmassy things never seemed to bother her. Unexpected visitors for dinner? Last minute houseguests? No problem. A few years ago her oven broke, on Christmas Eve, and she calmly made all her meals, including a chocolate Yule log, with the help of the microwave, barbeque, and a George Foreman grill. Gin may have aided the situation.

So it’s a bit strange to me when people go crazy around Christmas. There’s a certain, unhinged look to people who ARE GOING TO HAVE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, DAMMIT. Nowhere are those peoples more en evidence than in shopping centres a mere nine days before Christmas.

I was in Superstore today. I know what you’re going to say: a new tap, then a Superstore visit, all in the same week? What’s next, organizing the drawer I keep rubber bands and Saran wrap in? Living the dream, baby, living the dream.

But Superstore shoppers: wild-eyed people wielding those gigantic carts through the aisles, bumping into things and snapping at people, grinding their teeth into nubs over a woman leaving her cart to sprint with her obviously potty-training toddler to the washroom. It was somewhat disconcerting, so I took a cue from Buddy the Elf and decided to sing loudly to spread Christmas cheer. Well, maybe not consciously decided. I didn’t realize I was actually singing audibly – along to Jingle Bell Rock, of all songs – until an elderly man with a cart containing no less than eight boxes of All-Bran Buds and as many containers of Metamucil smiled at me and said, “It’s nice to see the Christmas spirit”.

I was embarrassed, of course, as anyone with a marginal singing voice still croaky from a recent cold would be. But, you know, I felt pretty good, and as I pushed my cart in the slushy, packed, road-rage-y parking lot, I hummed Silver Bells. Because I’d rather look crazy-happy than crazy-I-AM-GOING-TO-BAKE-A-FRUITCAKE-AND-YOU-WILL-LOVE-IT.

At least we’re not in Edmonton! Hardy har.

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That’s what we Calgarians tend to say to assuage feelings of depression due to weather-related issues. There was actually some truth to that this weekend, however, since Edmonton reached a low ambient temperature of minus 46, which is really fracking cold. It was pretty fracking cold here, around the minus 30 mark. But at least we’re not in Edmonton!

The vicious cold and my weird viral cold kept me indoors all weekend. I don’t think I even stepped foot outside. It was a red-letter weekend nonetheless. Let me recap.

1) I watched the movie Funny People. This in itself is notable as it was made in 2009. Normally I see movies years after they have been released, and when I try to discuss the movie with anyone, the response is usually, “You just saw that now?” Funny People is a really good movie, very interesting, and not at all what I expected. I mean, Adam Sandler is in it so there are many jokes of a flatulent, masturbation, and penis/testicle-related nature. In spite of that, it is quite intelligent and intriguing. Also, there is a scene with Eminem, who plays himself, which is quite hysterical.

2) My husband wrapped the Christmas gifts! This was, to put it in terms of a smarmy Christmas special, the best gift ever. I am terrible at wrapping gifts. This is probably not unrelated to my complete inability to ice cakes, create gingerbread houses, and sew buttons on clothing without ripping a hole in said clothing in an area far removed from where the button actually needs to be. Normally, when I wrap gifts, I cut the paper incorrectly, and end up with a slice of the actual gift showing or, alternately, I have so much excess paper that it all bunches up in a very un-aesthetic fashion. Grossly, I often find strands of my own hair taped to the package, which I take to mean the stress from gift-wrapping causes my hair to fall out and, because of my need to use an excessive amount of tape, become attached to the gift. Just a little piece of me in every gift! Happily, my husband wrapped all the presents (except the ones for him, of course) and the kids have been happily occupied by staring at them, piling them up, counting them, and talking about them.

3) My husband went out and bought, and then installed, a new tap for the kitchen. This may not seem like an interesting or note-worthy thing to you, but if you were a bon-bon eating housewife like myself who spends half her waking hours in the kitchen (but not, fortunately, barefoot or pregnant) and for three weeks you had been dealing with a tap that sends out either a small trickle of water or no water at all, you would be happy too. For three weeks as we waited for replacement parts, I tried to think yogic thoughts – many people don’t even have running water, I should be happy for this small trickle – but it was killing me softly. With its trickle song. However, several replacement parts and futile efforts to fix the tap later, my dear dear husband went out and bought a new tap. First gift wrapping! Then a new tap! He’s also a great lover!

So that was my weekend. How was yours?

Christmas Music – love it or hate it?

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If economics has taught us anything, it is that if there is an oversupply of a particular good, then the value of additional units of that particular good is low. This probably explains why there is so much bad Christmas music. There is an incredible volume of Christmas music and it seems to grow exponentially each year. Every artist seems to put out a holiday album at some point in their career, distinguished or not. I just searched for Christmas music on Amazon and discovered that there are 17,913 results. Kelly Pickler – remember her, the dim-witted country wannabe-singer from American Idol – has a song on one of those ubiquitous Christmas collections, as does Miley Cyrus. The Pet Shop Boys have an entire Christmas album! As do Bob Dylan and Colin James. Does anyone not have a Christmas album? Wait – John Denver has a Christmas album, and one of the songs is entitled Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas). I can’t decide if that is awesome or depressing.

So it was not surprising to me when a friend mentioned that this – this season – is the worst time of the year for music. I mean, Stevie Nicks singing Silent Night? Am I the only one who thinks that is strange? Although I just discovered that Jim Cuddy sings New Year’s Eve on one of those Christmas collections, maybe I should check that out.

I don’t mean to sound snobbish. I actually really like a lot of Christmas music, although “a lot” could be defined by “about five percent of the Christmas music market”. The songs I like tend not to be sophisticated or edgy in any way and probably is the reason my friend reviles seasonal music. To illustrate, here are my top three songs of the season.

3) The Little Drummer Boy by Bob Seger. I know. I know. Pa-rum-pum-pum-kill-me. But I like the pa-rum-pum-pum-pum. I do. And every year I emotionally recount the song’s meaning to the boys. “The little drummer boy wanted to bring a gift. But he didn’t have one. So he gave a song.” Then I get all choked up as the boys nod politely and say things like, “That sounds like a nice present.” They don’t shake their heads and say “Weirdo” under their breath. At least not yet.

2) Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby. I LOVE this song, and I catch myself singing or humming it nearly constantly throughout the season. I must note that my husband absolutely loathes this song, and he seems to have passed this loathing on to Jake. In fact, I have only to sing the first line to prompt Jake to shriek “MOM! NO! STOP! We are not in Hawaii! We are in Canada! DON’T SING THAT SONG!”

1) Last Christmas by Wham! This is my number one favourite Christmas song. Twenty five years later, this song is still awesome. AWESOME! And – happily enough – no one in my house hates this song so I can listen to it and sing to my heart’s content.

So – what about you? What are your seasonal favourites? Or do you despise the whole genre?

Back to normal – sort of

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I have been off my game, people. I have had one of those energy-sucking colds that, coupled with the copious amount of cold medication I have been taking, has left me wandering in a fog of my own making. I’m wondering, what day is it? What time is it? Oh, do the kids need to eat? Maybe I should make lunch. Things that come naturally are coming to me very slowly. Also I have been sleep-deprived, and, irritatingly enough, not because of the kids. For two nights in a row I took “nighttime relief” cold medication. I should know better. I’m always lured by the medications’ claims “so you can get some rest”. More like, “so you can have hallucinogenic dreams that will have you waking every hour or two wondering what the hell is going on in your brain, and then keep you up for a couple of hours only to crash 20 minutes before it is time to get up.” I haven’t taken NyQuil for years because I once had a NyQuil-related crazy dream about leprechauns and unicorns-turned-flesh-eating-monsters and dancing trees that caused me to wake up screaming when my husband absent-mindedly patted my back.

I feel better today.

Monday was a bad day. It was minus 25 and there were enormous snow drifts everywhere, one of which claimed my car when I dropped the boys at school. After trudging through knee-deep snow, helping the boys out of their 10 pounds of winter clothing, and trudging back, a couple of moms helped push my car out (thanks ladies!). Then, because that clearly was not enough excitement for one day, I drove to Wal-Mart. I needed more cold medication, but more importantly, I had to get stickers for Jake’s class sticker gift exchange which was to take place the following class. I chose a gender-neutral sheet of puppy stickers.

Later, I noticed Mark with all his craft supplies. He was making a picture, and had opened the stickers, the ones, as I said, seething with rage, I HAD GONE OUT IN THE FREEZING COLD AND SNOW TO GET FOR JAKE’S SPECIAL CLASS.

Big deal, right? Except for me, in my cold-addled state, it really was a big deal. I had to take deep breaths. I had to say, with my teeth gritted, that next time, please ASK before you use stickers. I used every ounce of self-control to not spiral into a screaming, shrieking, bad bad mother. I remained calm but inside, I was a mess. Because of a 99 cent package of stickers. I could see myself, in the moment, and I was struck at how ridiculous a situation it was, that I was so enraged by my child using stickers that he thought I had purchased for him.

I managed to go out again, and purchase another package of stickers. I decided to gift wrap them, as instructed, immediately. I gathered the gift wrap and noticed something in the bag with the gift tags.

Stickers. A package of stickers I had purchased a month earlier, thinking that I should buy them for the sticker gift exchange, so I wouldn’t leave it to the last minute.

You can imagine, then, how I felt.