I had the most delightful, friend-filled week. It started with a visit from my friend Suzanne (HI SUZANNE). Suzanne is a very talented writer and a dear friend, and being able to see her in person, as opposed to on a screen, was wonderful. I can’t believe you’re HERE, I kept saying, and I couldn’t. It felt too good to be true! And for those of you who follow and read her beautiful words, let me tell you something: this woman is a class act, she is absolutely gorgeous inside and out. I adore her! Then Suzanne left and before I could become bereft, my friend Tara (HI TARA) arrived. Tara and I have been the best of friends since the first day of grade nine, and we have gone through all the big life stages together. There is something just so special about that. She’s the sister I never had.
The visits were perfect, marred only by the thick blanket of smoke that billowed in on Monday, when Suzanne arrived, and didn’t billow out until Friday night, after Tara left, albeit briefly. It has billowed back in, as there are some pretty serious fires fairly close to us right now. The air became so bad that my sons, both of whom work outdoors, texted me photos of them wearing masks, along with some wry Covid-era commentary. I told them they were a couple of sheeple before stepping into the shower to scrub the smoke smell out of my hair and skin, the yellowish rinse water swirling at my feet.
For most of the pandemic, I found myself reciting the Serenity Prayer like a mantra, and I do that now with forest fire season.
I was so honoured that my friends came so far to see little old me – through the smoke no less! – and as I was thinking of my luckiness, I came across this newsletter talking about the five-year stranger phenomenon. It was the first time I had heard this theory, but I’m well aware of the concept that friendships can fade when our lives cease to physically or mentally overlap, or when we change and grow. I have always subscribed to the theory that people come into your life for a reason, season, or lifetime, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a pang when a friendship fades.
It’s so easy to keep in touch these days, and maybe it is too easy. It’s easy to feel like we really know a person while looking at their social media highlight reel, but relationships with any depth require more effort than that. However, the fact is that I love these highlight reels, I love seeing updates from people who would otherwise have faded from my life. I feel sure I would have lost touch with the girl I volunteered with at the nursing home when we were fifteen, and now I am celebrating her extensive travel and upcoming nuptials. I’ve become friends with former yoga students and people I have met while travelling, reconnected with people from grad school, and have become close with a cousin (HI KAREN) through our shared love of books and dogs, all due to social media. I love that I have these tools to communicate, but I admit that sometimes they can take the place of true heart-to-heart connection, the kind of intimacy and closeness we all need from our friends. I also admit that they can sometimes reveal unsettling information about a person, information that I was happier not having, from pandemics to politics and everything in-between. Because these relationships are often surface level, I can compartmentalize, but I would still rather not know if someone is using the term sheeple unironically.
My husband has a friend who loathes texting, so much so that he will return any text with a phone call. The more I think about this, the more I like it. Not that I’m going to do this – it’s a little much to make a constant stream of phone calls all day long in response to, say, someone’s Connections results – but I do like hearing my friends’ voices. Whereas I used to worry that a phone call would interrupt their day, I now think well, they can NOT answer if it’s a bother. And sometimes it IS a bother, and they don’t answer, and that’s okay. They can listen to my I just called to say I love you voice mails, and call back when and if they are so inclined.
Many years ago, I adopted a mindset reframe that I had read about: instead of saying I don’t have time for X, I say X is not a priority for me, and then I see how I feel about that. If I feel aghast, and I reassure myself that no, no, no, X really IS a priority, then I make the time. If I feel it is a true statement, then I just let it go. Not everything can be prioritized! A big priority for me is to show up for my friends. Sometimes it’s not physically possible; one of my best friends lives in Halifax (HI HANNAH), which is just about as far away as you can get without leaving the country or falling into the ocean. But we must have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, and be grateful for modern technology that allows us to still communicate about everything from tulip murderers to the weird guy who talks angrily on Facetime with no headphones at the gym.
It’s not the new year, but I have a resolution to make more phone calls, send more cards and messages, and physically be there whenever possible. Have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know that placing a phone call on speaker in a public place is both an act of aggression and an invitation for me to eavesdrop on every word.
Weekly Reading
Kin. This book literally took my breath away several times. I will admit I went into it a bit apprehensively, being the only person I know who didn’t enjoy this author’s acclaimed An American Marriage. But wow, this book! It is a dual perspective between two “cradle friends,” motherless girls who grew up together but whose lives took two very different paths as adults. It’s a story about the deepest kind of friendship, the kind of friendship that is more than family, the kind of friendship in which each person is truly known. It’s immersive and evocative, heartbreaking and hopeful, viscerally beautiful and moving. I loved this so very much.
The Big M. For us ladies of a certain age comes this collection of essays about THE CHANGE. It’s an inspiring and empowering collection about the physical, mental, and emotional changes that come during perimenopause and the menopause transition. Some of the essays were absolutely great, some less so, but all in all a good collection.
It looks to be a smokey week around here, with fire fighters working around the clock. Meanwhile, I will just be practicing serenity and peering at the sky, optimistically thinking I might see a patch of blue. Have a lovely week, friends. Stay safe. xo
I clicked on the link to that newsletter, and I love it! I’m going to subscribe. And… the five year stranger phenomenon is really depressing. I can see how it’s true though. On the other end of the spectrum- Suzanne! Came to visit you! That’s awesome. Huge bummer about the smoke though. Yes, I hope you see a patch of blue sky… soon?
It’s funny, because I dropped my daughter off for her (last) first day of school and am now sitting in Starbucks- and as I drove here I kept thinking “serenity now!”
I’ve heard so many good things about Kin! And… I’m almost done with Lady Tremaine. Omg. What a book. I love it so much!!!
I really enjoy that newsletter, the writer is excellent. She often has great recommendations for reading as well. And I also find that five year phenomenon depressing but kind of true.
Lady Tremaine! It was so good. I didn’t see how it was going to go and then bam, what a great ending!
How wonderful to have two lovely people visit you the same week, Nicole! I’m sorry the smoke interfered, but I’m sure the company more than made up for it!
For all Facebook’s foibles, I too adore the ways it is a universe of all my intercontinental connections and am grateful to remain connected.
Wasn’t _Kin_ lovely? Her _Silver Sparrow_ had a somewhat similar setup.
That clip of George’s dad yelling the Serenity Prayer always sends me lol
George’s parents are my two favourite characters, not just in Seinfeld but in any TV show ever! “He doesn’t need to be looking at my bra!” “I found a prophylactic wrapper…in my bed!”
I so agree, Facebook is a net positive for me. Also since it is now full of ads, I don’t waste much time on it, I just do quick checks and then get out before Thigh Society can pitch me another product (the company that currently seems to be stalking me and I do not know how this happened)
Silver Sparrow! I don’t know that one. Will look asap.
How fun you got to see Suzanne and your long-time friend. I am very sorry about the smoke, having experienced just a little of it earlier this summer.
It’s pretty gross, honestly. But *shrug* can’t do much about it!
hi..how do I follow Suzanne? I’m assuming she is a blogger? You and I have the same thoughts about the, “I don’t have time” vs prioritization. Obviously it’s not a priority if you don’t make the time. I’m glad to know you liked KIN. It’s on my TBR. You go through books like water and I’m always encouraged to read more after reading your blog!
Yes, she’s a blogger – if you click her name it should take you right to her site!
I used to say “I don’t have time to meet up with *insert name here*” – but then when I changed that to “*name* is not a priority” I was horrified. *name* is a priority! So I shifted things to make the time.
What a lovely visit-filled week despite the smoke. Engie and I read Kin together and loved it.
Kin was just so good! Every sentence was gold!
Oh, I’m so sorry about the smoke. I know we only had a fraction of it down here, but it was very distressing and it threw off my entire day because being outside is such an important part of my daily routine.
I have also reframed to “this is not a priority.” And it has taught me a lot about what IS a priority (reading on the couch with my cat) and what is NOT (vacuuming). LOL.
The smoke is pretty brutal as one of the really big fires is quite close. But I still go out to walk and garden, because otherwise I’d be indoors all the time! However! A big part of my summer is reading on the deck and I have had to stop as the smoke gets worse as the day goes on and it gets hotter. (I typed “hooter” and almost left it in for your amusement)
Yay to meeting Suzanne! Boo to wildfire smoke! It’s the worst, except the actual worst is when a community goes up in smoke and they start telling you that the particulate matter in the air contains chemicals from household electronics and such. That’s even worse. And of course, people and animals losing their homes, trees losing their lives. UGH.
I’m glad you loved Kin! It was so, so good.
I try not to think about that part. I mean, what can I do? *deep breathes in air-conditioned house*
Kin was so great! I loved every sentence!
I’ve been following the news on the fires in BC with trepidation and was wondering how close they were to you. I looked up Summerland and saw it was not that far from Kelowna! The friendship topic is one that I think about often, how some friendships fade when distance intervenes, but others do not. Yes, a friendship requires depth and conversation to remain strong, but I too appreciate the online peeks into others’ lives. I do think social media has altered the meaning of “friendships” to many people, but I stand by my old-fashioned definition of sharing intimacy and trust and your true self.
Yes, Pearl, it is quite close. I have two friends there who have been evacuated, and my husband told me this morning that he thinks a friend of his lost his holiday house.
I think social media has added a new definition of friendship to me, and I think it’s kind of nice. Such friends aren’t at the level where we are sharing trust and intimacy, but that’s okay. There’s room for everyone, just in different capacities, if that makes sense?
I met Suzanne for less than two hours and it was wonderful and left me wanting SO MUCH MORE time with her. I am determined to make this happen.
My dad is very much like R’s friend: if I send an e-mail (because my father most certainly does not text), he will immediately call me back with an answer. I admit I hate talking on the phone, which is ironic because when I was dating my now husband and we were living in different provinces we once got a phone bill for many 100’s of dollars despite having an unlimited talk plan because they said we “exceeded reasonable usage.” We would call and just spend the whole day on the phone going about our days, talking, and not talking and HOW WAS THAT ME?? The person who now avoids phone calls as much as possible.
Maybe this will change as I get older?
I have An American Marriage on my Kobo right now, but am knee-deep in Gone with the Wind, so it’s probably not going to get read this month. My hold on Kin ran out before I could finish it; I will admit I found it depressing and hard to read (but I only got a few chapters in) so I’m not sure if I’ll go back to revisit the book, though I have heard such great things about it. So many books I’m reading are SO sad, lately.
EXCEEDED REASONABLE USAGE! That is amazing. I love that! I remember spending hours and hours and hours on the phone with my girlfriends back in the day, stretching out the curly phone cord as long as it would go.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk loudly on their cell phones for all to hear, especially when they are beside you at what is supposed to be a tranquil place, like the beach. I have friends who live all over the place, sometimes I wonder if we keep in touch more because they are far away, and would we still be in touch if we lived in the same city? I am going to check out that newsletter and use the priority statement!
Oh, that’s a really interesting statement, Anna. I wonder if you would still be in touch! Or would it be like how I rarely go to the beach now that I can go to the beach every day? Hmm…interesting!
I only like when people are talking loudly on the phone if I can really listen into some juicy stuff. We were across from a woman on a train from Venice to Rome, and the entire time she talked to this person in a super-angry way, and I kept listening and listening. It was very entertaining. “What are you saying, my car isn’t good enough for you now?” that kind of thing!
We had a bit of smoke this week that kept us inside, too. Every year these fires get closer to the major cities, it’s frightening to think about.
Visits with friends are the best – and two in one week!!
One of the best things in my life is the weekly email I receive and reply to from my sister. We’re a province apart and don’t see each other often and because we both prioritize doing this we’ve maintained our closeness. I agree friendship goes through seasons etc. but in order to maintain a friendship it is so important to put effort into it and I’m glad we both do this.
I have Kin on hold and can’t wait to read it!
Oh I love that about your sister and her email! One of my senior yoga students sends me super-long emails every few weeks or so, and then I respond in my own time – like replying to letters back in the day. I really love it. If you don’t put effort into a relationship it WILL fade away!
Ooh, that smoke is not to be messed with. Take care of your lungs! Interesting link to the five year stranger post. A lot of my relationships with friends from university and family members, including close family members have just, well, faded away. As I’m sure is apparent from my blog posts, I acutely feel the loss of all of those relationships. I spent many years doing a lot of real world work to stay connected with friends and family because I was the one who moved the farthest away. But phone calls, email, travel (I spent so much on travel!), letters, and packages were just harder to maintain once I established my own family. I left all Meta products in 2015 (politics, surveillance, data misuse) and I’m not sure if I would feel more connected if I’d stayed.
I’m sorry about the loss of those relationships. That’s hard! And it is hard to maintain the connections, especially with young families to tend to.
Two friend visits in one week! And one of those friends was Suzanne!!! Epic!!!
Sigh, I’m trying to process how I feel about the five year stranger theory. Surely it doesn’t apply to the Cool Bloggers squad? On the upside, there are so many friends out there that we haven’t met yet.
American Marriage was an early DNF for me. Not because it wasn’t good, but because after a chapter or so, I felt overwhelmingly sad so I put the book down. I liked Silver Sparrow a lot, and I’ve been on the fence about whether to read Kin because of mixed reviews. It seems like people either love or don’t like this book, so that might be a reason to check it out – either I won’t like it and it will be a DNF, or I’ll love it. It doesn’t sound like it will be a “oh it was fine” shrug experience.
I just put Silver Sparrow on hold from Maya’s recommendation, and now I see you liked it too!
NO IT DOES NOT APPLY TO COOL BLOGGERS!!! We are forever!!!
I value social media for bringing me into contact with those with whom I’ve lost touch. But nothing is better than a good visit or at second best, a call and third a note. I’m so glad you have good visitors! (I did too this month and such joy for it all!). There is something about old friends or special family members that dig deep into the soul. They haven’t just been there for the social moments — pix or stories of great trips, wonderful meals out, a new house or whatever. They’ve been with us in personal ways through “sickness and in health,” loss of loved ones or pets, job angst, job successes, adventures near and far. My older friends and cousins remember my parents and I, theirs. Your “resolution” of sorts is a wonderful one — and one we should all take on!
I totally agree, Jeanie! There is something so special about people who have known us our whole lives!
How cool that you got to entertain Suzanne! I have been reading her blog forever. Since she was newly “a doctors wife”. She really is, like you, a great writer.
I love what you did with the serenity prayer. I say it every night as I fall asleep, before a couple other meditations. Those include the maitri (?) prayer I learned from you. Sorry about the smoke and fires – so scary. We had about a week of smoke in Ontario and someone who cares a lot about me and my troubled lungs made me stay inside. I hope it clears very soon.
Pat! I’m so glad you do the maitri. I do it every day and I swear by it. I don’t have troubled lungs so I do go outside for walks and gardening, but that’s pretty much it. I’m looking forward to reading on the deck again! Hopefully soon.
I fully agree with you on priority vs. time. If it’s priority, you’ll find the time. Why something is not a priority, that’s the why 🙂
Glad you had good time seeing an old friend, and yes to more calls. i love when my friends just call me on the spot. sometimes I get worried that something bad happened, which says a lot how frequent is phone calls these days.
Coco, that is me too! I have a little “wait, is everyone okay” feeling when the phone rings.
Yes – that’s the why!
Oh, how fun to have two great friends visit! I’m sure it was such a wonderful week! Sorry to hear about the smoke, though…hope it clears up soon! Did it get in the way of long walks with Rex?
I just placed a hold on Kin — I am trying not to read a lot right now….so much to do to catch up at home since I was basically gone on and off since March! But reading is such a pleasure so chores, which aren’t such a treat, will just have to wait! LOL
Information from pandemics to politics and everything in-between, eh? I know that feeling well. I do NOT need to know my friends’ views on paper, parades, parks, parrots, paste, patches, patterns, and whatnot!
However, growing up a military brat, without social media I would have no idea whatever became of my closest friends over the years, so I’m thankful for it in that regard.
Also, I wouldn’t be working for CheeseGov without it.
There’s something so simple and meaningful about reaching out just because someone is on your mind. I think we can get so caught up in our everyday lives that we assume we’ll connect with people later, and sometimes later comes much later than we intended. A simple phone call or message to let someone know you’re thinking about them can mean so much. This was a lovely reminder.