My husband works out every day in the mid-to-late morning, and he uses our extensive speaker system rather than headphones, which means I can frequently hear what music he’s working out to. Instead of a carefully-curated, peppy and motivating playlist like the one I use, he just has a playlist of “songs that he likes,” which can lead to what I think is an eclectic soundtrack for weight lifting. I find it amusing, for the most part; a Taylor Swift song might follow Enter Sandman, and then we could suddenly be thrown into early-2000s hip-hop, after which is Crazy Train. But the other day the song Buy Dirt came on. I went downstairs and, upon seeing my crying self, my husband turned off the music.
He had the same level of baffled bewilderment as when I talked about White Wine in the Sun, as well as when we watched a recent Joni Mitchell tribute and Both Sides Now was performed. I just don’t get why it makes you so sad, he said. It’s a song about…clouds?
My whole life, I have been very emotionally moved by music, very frequently to tears, and not always are those songs obviously wrenching to others. Some are – Landslide, for example – but others, like Is Somebody Singing or Miley Cyrus’ The Climb can destroy me emotionally because of specific memories associated with them. Usually I can hear at least a few lines or maybe an entire verse of my own personal tear-jerking songs before welling up, but I didn’t even make it to “chasing dollar” in Buy Dirt. I don’t even know if I made it to the lyrics, honestly, before dissolving.
A few days later, when he watched me emotionally decompensate just thinking about the song in our silent house, my Man of Action deleted it from his playlist. I’m sick of it anyway, he said, but I really know he just didn’t want me to accidentally hear it.
It IS a moving song, but I was much more emotionally fragile than I have been in a long while, for a few reasons. Typically every month before my period, I have a day or two of fatigue and disrupted sleep, a couple of hot flashes and an elevated resting heart rate. This month, I have had to date fourteen solid days of that with no period in sight, plus a very upsetting new symptom I had never had before: no appetite. This lasted for days. Not only did I have no appetite, but I had revulsion for food. I love food! I love to eat! I am, like Andy Sipowicz, an enthusiastic eater! But there I was, pushing my pasta around my bowl like a picky child, asking if it tasted weird to anyone else. This lack of appetite was accompanied by an intense, constant, and unquenchable thirst, to the point that I started googling am I diabetic, signs of kidney disease, and is HRT right for me?
This was reason number one for my emotional fragility: I was running on days of poor sleep, a racing heart rate, and almost no food, with a bloated and extended torso from all the water I was gulping down. Not to mention the hormones! Or, lack thereof, I guess.
But there was another reason I was fragile, and that is that my older son left on Saturday for an eight-week solo backpacking trip around Central and Eastern Europe. I am truly so happy for him; we encouraged him in this, and he planned it all so well. It’s something I really wish I had done at his age, and I think it will be such a great learning and growing experience for him. He’s seeing the world! The birdy is really flying far!
But the truth about it, it all goes by real quick. Every single month we all marvel that it’s a new month, how did that happen, time goes so fast, it’s almost May, can you believe it. My god, time really does go by real quick. My son is off seeing the world, all by himself. This feels like a whole new era, and it’s a wonderful new era, but the pages are flying off the calendar at cartoonish speeds.
I have loved every single age and stage my sons have gone through, every one of them. (Even when we were thirteen? my younger son asked. Yes. Maybe even especially then! I have so much love for the growth and expansion of those early teen years.) I am so proud of them; I can barely believe my good fortune. Sometimes I feel like I will literally explode, I love them so much. I will literally explode and all that will be left of me will be a pile of heart-shaped confetti.
When I was a kid I loved the book Jane of Lantern Hill, and I remember reading the part where Jane asks her mother if they could ever stop time. At the time, I thought that was absurd, why would anyone want to do that? I couldn’t get older fast enough. I wanted to be grown, to be autonomous, to be on to the next thing.
Well. I don’t want to stop time, but it all goes by real quick.
I have had some tests and I am confident my doctor, who is a brilliant and progressive young woman, will have some solutions for my physical self. In the meantime, the present moment is what we have, and so I will be over here, sweatily appreciating it. Thank you, body, for bringing me this far in life. Thank you for being a wonderland that is doing miraculous things as my estrogen plummets the depths of the ocean. Thank you, deodorants, for existing. Thank you, modern world, for giving me washing machines to wash my extremely sweaty jammies every day and for the clean tap water that I can gulp down to compensate for this excessive perspiration.
My son has landed safely in Europe to start his adventure. My best friend Tara (HI TARA), whose eldest daughter has travelled solo extensively, texted me with the uplifting message that we raised our children to be independent, so we shouldn’t be surprised when they are. We did! Look at them fly!
Watch their pencil marks and the grass in the yard all grow up.
Weekly Reading
Simple Abundance. My dear friend Michelle (HI MICHELLE) had mentioned this book to me last year, and I decided to start reading the short daily essays on my birthday over the next year. It was a really lovely, uplifting experience. I think it probably would have been a bit better had I started in January as the book intends – each month builds on the months before – but it was still a wonderful reminder to look at the simple things in life and take joy in them.
Wilderness Tips. his is a reread, but it’s been a while! There are some really great stories in this collection, and in my current state of mind I was particularly moved by the last paragraphs in the last story, Hack Wednesday.
When The Cranes Fly South. DO YOU WANT TO READ A SUPER SAD BOOK THAT WILL MAKE YOU STARE OFF INTO THE DISTANCE FOR A LONG TIME? This is the book for you! In retrospect, maybe not the best choice for this past, emotionally fragile week. Wow, it’s sad. An elderly man, whose wife is now in dementia care, lives alone with his elkhound dog, and has home care come in four times a day (this is Sweden, and such things are realities! Yay Sweden). His son, quite rationally and reasonably, thinks that the giant dog is really too much for the situation. After all, the old man sleeps most of the day, the dog gets very little exercise, and he’s worried the old man will fall when he’s taking the dog out. Very reasonable and rational. But also, the dog is the man’s main companion and great love. As the man snoozes the day away, he dreams about his long life; his loving mother and kind of awful dad, his move to Northern Sweden as a young man, meeting his best friend and his wife, and his son’s childhood. It is a very moving story about breaking cycles, new generations, love, and what matters in life. Fun fact: this is translated from the Swedish by Alice Menzies, and that was the name of one of my great-grandmas!
Zero-Sum. Before he left, my older son was telling us about his Managerial Economics course, and – as my husband and I both have Masters in Economics – I was extremely interested. It sounded like Managerial Economics was similar to Industrial Economics that I took back in 1996 or 1997. In any case, game theory featured heavily, which was very exciting to me. And then, my library holds came in and Zero-Sum was one of them! It was like my very own Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. Anyway, I have never before read Joyce Carol Oates, which seems like a grave omission. Every short story in this collection contains a zero-sum game, and it is absolutely fascinating and almost breathtaking in its literary creativity. The writing is just so smart, and every story is such a brilliant and interesting topic. Some of the stories were a bit dystopian/ horror based for me, but most of them were diabolically good.
I am going on my own, much less exotic adventure this week: a road trip to visit my parents. That is, if the weather-warning level spring snowstorms stop for a couple of days. Hopefully there won’t be any avalanches! In the meantime, take care of yourselves and I’ll see you next week – when it will be May. Can you believe it? xo
I can understand feeling a bit fragile and weepy when your child goes off on a solo adventure, but yes, we raise them to be independent. I too wish I’d done something like that when I was young, but hey, I’m making up for it now, although in shorter and smaller doses, And yes, I thank my body (and feet) for carrying me through these years with such dogged faithfulness, and I’m especially grateful for it when I’m travelling.
Pearl, I was just saying to a friend that I am making up for it now too! I really wish I had done it while young and single, but I didn’t, so the next best thing is to travel our little hearts out now, right? The best time to plant a tree, etc.
I hope your doctor is able to get you sleeping again, and your heart rate where it belongs. Bad timing for it to be when your son left on his adventure! I get weepy thinking of certain songs too, which makes my daughter laugh so hard.
The racing heart rate is the worst part, I think. Well, that and the not eating, although that seems to have abated. I don’t really want to go through it again though.
So, to answer one of your questions… i think you probably are a candidate for HRT! I’ll be surprised if your doctor doesn’t come to that same conclusion. Weirdly, I just kind of slid into menopause without any drama. The heat makes me angrier than it used to, but I never actually had hot flashes, or any of the other symptoms you’re describing. So I wouldn’t know firsthand, but the people I know on HRT are REALLY happy with it. I hope you can get some relief quickly, because this all sounds very unpleasant.
Having said all that, I’m very fragile where my kids are concerned. It’s so hard to see them grow away from us. I would be emotional about your son’s trip as well. Sounds like the perfect time for a road trip! Enjoy.
Jenny, I hope you’re right! My appt is tomorrow so I guess I’ll find out. I feel like I do everything holistically/ lifestyle-wise to combat symptoms, but now it’s time for the big guns. The racing heart rate is quite unpleasant, that’s for sure.
I’m so sorry that your hormones are putting you through the literal wringer. It was a great idea to see your doctor. It’s amazing to me how every woman’s experience of perimenopause is different, and yet also similar. At 58, I’m here to tell you that you will get through it! I totally understand about crying when certain songs play. I was at the bank teller’s window when “How Can I Help You Say Goodbye” came on their speaker system, and I tried SO hard to hold it together, but ended up with tears streaming down my face. The teller agreed that it should be illegal to play that song in a public place! The picture of your son walking away made me tear up! He’s off on a great adventure, but that very moment has to be tough for a mom. I’m so glad you enjoyed Simple Abundance. I should reread it!
Hahaha Michelle, I don’t know that song but I can certainly relate! I remember being postpartum and “Fire and Rain” came on at the grocery store and that, for some reason, just triggered me. Open the floodgates!
Oh, I’m 57, not 58! 🤣 That was a typo, and I don’t want time to fly by and faster than it already is! Also, I hope you have a wonderful road trip!
I admire your paean to your body even when it is betraying you at every turn. My own strategy seems to be deep disappointment and anger anytime I can no longer do something I used to. Your approach is far better, and I hope you get some workable solutions soon.
Time actually does go by faster as you age; there is a lot of research about it. This article breaks it down nicely. Does it make it any better? YMMV, I guess.
Aww, Nance, I’m sorry you’re having a rough time with your body. I hope I get some solutions soon as well – I am pretty sure I will. I don’t think these symptoms are anything out of the ordinary, but wow, I am so sweaty! Lol, all those years of being cold, and now I’m like a furnace.
I hope M has a wonderful trip. As you know, I am still adjusting to the news that North isn’t coming home this summer. I told Beth I thought I thought I could get to more happy and proud than sad if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re not coming to the beach with us.
Enjoy your own road trip!
Steph, this is the thing: it’s the end of an era! For me and for you. I think that’s what makes it hard, because I am truly happy for M and wanted him to take this trip – it’s just that time goes so fast, and now I’m in a new era. For you, I think it would be so hard because North has always gone to the beach with you. It’s a big change, and change can be so difficult. xoxoxo sending hugs, I know it’s hard
What an amazing adventure for M… and for the rest of the family by proxy. I had to wait until I was nearly 50 to take that backpack European trip because of overly protective family, so it’s so great that he gets to do this now and look back on it!
I’m sorry to hear your own adventure is not so… umm… hot in the right way, Nicole. I hope your doctor will diagnose and set all right very soon. Discomfort, a lack of appetite, and heightened sadness sound like the worst combination. Care Bear stares and a cool cotton wrap extended your way, darling <3
I am so happy he gets to do it now – I wish I had done it when I was young. I feel like once a person starts working a “real” job it’s just impossible to take that time off to do this kind of thing. So I’m really proud of him for doing it.
Ooooh I will TAKE that cool cotton wrap with a Care Bear stare!!! *sweats*
When the Cranes Fly South! I started crying on page 22 and never let up. Sixten! Hans! Bo! Everybody is doing all the things right, but it’s so sad. I read it at the end of last year and it was a great December read, particularly in a year in which a parent has died. I found it cathartic and sad and perfect.
My parents raised me to be independent, but I can guarantee you that I would never go off on a European adventure alone! Go, you and your son!
I remembered you had read it, so – SPOILER ALERT FOR ANYONE READING THIS COMMENT – I could not BELIEVE that Sixton was taken away. I mean, the book was working up to it so you’d think I would have been prepared but I WAS NOT PREPARED. And then the end, omg. The thing was everyone WAS doing the right things. Hans WAS doing his best. EVERYONE WAS DOING THEIR BEST. What a sad, sad book. And did you see that the author wrote it after finding notes from her grandpa’s carers? Gahhhhh
I had never heard of that Buy Dirt song. The fact that your husband deleted it from his playlist tells me all I need to know about how much he loves and cares for you! What a gem/sweet guy! Would you believe that Phil works out and runs in – wait for it – SILENCE. Can you even believe it? He trained for an entire marathon without listening to any music. I would lose my mind. He also did not have a garmin or any sort of tracking device. He kind of approximated the mileage. He is clearly way more zen than I am.
I hope M has the time of his life! I imagine how you feel about M going on this big trip is similar to how my parents felt about me studying abroad in Australia in the spring of 2002. They weren’t thrilled about it in the first place, and then 9/11 happened and they assumed I would cancel my plans. But nope. I was determined to do it. They came around to it and saw how much I grew during those 4 months away but I think they wished in the moment that they could clip my wings.
I hope your doctor has some solutions for your terrible peri symptoms. I bet you’ll end up on HRT which can be life changing from what I’ve heard!
Hmm, I don’t think I feel similarly to your parents – we really encouraged him to take this trip and I don’t want to clip his wings at all. Mostly I’m just proud and happy for him, and a little amazed that I’m in this whole new era of life. It’s such a big step to take that trip and it feels like we are in new territory!
Phil runs in SILENCE? But how? I guess he truly is doing a moving meditation! But that’s a lot of hours to be in silence! And no tracker? I am impressed!
I love the song Buy Dirt ❤️
It’s so good!
I loved When the Cranes Fly South! It is such a beautiful, sad and realistic story about an aging parent and worried son.
How nice for your son to have you support his solo trip. Yes, you’ll miss him now but you’ll have lots of stories to share with him when he comes home from this adventure!
Enjoy your own to Alberta!
I hope my car doesn’t get swallowed by an avalanche!
Jacquie, you’re right – the story was SO realistic. I could really see how much the son was trying to do, and how upsetting it was for the father, and wow, what a great book!
I’m excited to hear my son’s stories – so many adventures! He’s never been to Europe before so his mind will be blown!
That is a *real* stackup, yikes! (but you write about it so well!)
I hope your road trip goes well in all the ways!
Thanks so much KC!!
I loooove that song but it does indeed make me cry every time. Good tears because it’s all good things though. When my kids have done a semester abroad, I just don’t feel normal until they are back home or back on campus. How can we when a little piece of our heart is travelling the world? Will I ever stop them? Nope. But it is emotionally challenging for us moms.
Isn’t it a beautiful song? Also, wahhhhhhh. The pencil marks! It gets me every time.
I really really really love my estrogen patch…
I will keep you updated – I should have some ideas by tomorrow. I mean, I hope. This racing heartrate isn’t good for anyone!
I can relate to several symptoms, except I go through periods where I want to eat everything in sight!! Not to mention headaches anymore. What fun. Apparently my estrogen is ‘in my boots’ according to the doctor. I hope you feel better soon and I haven’t heard that song, but I’m sure I would be crying if one of my kids just left on their own big trip, even though we support it!
Hormonal changes can be a bitch, so I hope that’s all it is! I cried myself silly in a parking deck at the airport when my son left (10 years ago next week!) for a summer to work and travel around Europe. I’m so glad he did it, but 3 months was the longest I’d ever been without him. So yeah, I GET IT!!!! A few months ago, I saw a young mom with her little boy hold hands and walk into a Starbucks as I was driving down and I completely lost it. I used to frequently take my son to a coffee shop while my older two were in school. Does the crying ever end? I guess not!
Big Fish by DMB gets me every single time! I can no longer listen to it. Safe travels to see your folks. XO