“Move about after dinner, and meet acquaintance whose name I have forgotten, but connect with literature. I ask if he has published anything lately. He says that his work is not, and never can be, for publication. Thought passes through my mind to the effect that this attitude might with advantage be adopted by many others.” EM Delafield, Diary of a Provincial Lady, one of my favourite books
Last Tuesday, I had an epiphany while on the elliptical trainer. I realized that my new work in progress is all wrong. I was 21000 words in, and I had been going about it all wrong. All wrong! I decided I was going to just start over, from the very beginning, rather than pivoting and making changes in the next draft. Two days later, I got my period.
Many of you will remember that 2023 was a year of change and transition for me, not to mention a year of numerous non-hormonal emotional breakdowns. We moved here in July of 2023, and by late August I was a bit at loose ends, having unpacked and settled in. I missed my yoga students and I missed teaching, but I could not handle even the thought of starting all over again in that world.
My husband encouraged me to take some creative writing courses and write that book I’d always talked about, and in the fall of that year I registered in a series of online courses at UBC to do just that. With my yoga students in mind, and with great nostalgia for the Calgary Yoga Shala, I planned my story. I took the first two UBC courses – How To Write a Novel: Structure and Outline, and Writing the Draft – that fall, and I took the third and final course, Edit and Revise, in January 2025, at which point I was starting my third draft of what would become Inhale Exhale. It took me just shy of six months to write the first draft, and then a year after that to revise it to something I was satisfied with.
I spent a lot of time soul-searching and meditating about what to do with my project. It was written with joy; it was such a happy and fun process, taking an idea and creating characters. I was very happy with the end result, and I wanted to share it with the world. But how?
Last week, in my Monday night writing group – created while taking the UBC courses – my friend Jen said something that really resonated with me (HI JEN). She said that turning 50 made a switch go off for her, a sense of urgency. There’s no time to fuck around anymore. It’s really true. I have found, since turning 50, that I have a desperate urge to do all the things that I thought I would do someday. I might live another 50 years, it’s true, but I also might not. When it comes to friends, family, and former classmates, there have been an astonishing number of deaths, death scares, and diagnoses in the past couple of years. No one knows how much time we have left. What if I die before I do the things I want to do?
I don’t know how much you know about the publishing industry, but the path to traditional publication is complicated and full of blockades. The typical path is that after many, many months of querying, an author gets an agent, who may or may not be able to sell a book to a publisher, and that book may or may not see the light of day. It’s a very long process at the very best of times, and unless an author is of Elin Hildebrand or Stephen King stature, there is almost no money to be made. Very few authors earn out their advances, and when asked the question about how authors pay their bills, my creative writing instructor said they get a second or third job, like teaching creative writing. Something that may surprise you is that book tours are funded at least partially, if not totally, by the author, not the publisher. Authors are expected to do a lot of the legwork in terms of promotion, and on top of that, the royalty percentage through traditional publication is very small.
So one does not write a book for the money, but that’s okay, because I wasn’t. I was writing a book because I wanted to write a book; I love writing, and I hoped that people would read and enjoy my writing. I did not want my book to sit in a drawer, unread, while I desperately queried agents for years, getting rejection letter after rejection letter. Do you know how often rejection happens? It’s a real thing, and I guarantee that all of your favourite authors went through many rejections before being published. As an example, Lisa Genova’s Still Alice was rejected over one hundred times, at which point she self-published. It was picked up later and reissued by Simon and Schuster, but still. OVER ONE HUNDRED REJECTIONS. Kathryn’s Stockett went through sixty rejections over three and a half years before someone picked up The Help. New authors can be rejected dozens of times AT MINIMUM, and I just didn’t have it in me. Also, as mentioned before, I didn’t feel I had time.
So I decided that I was going to go the hybrid publishing route, which means that as an author, I would pay for editing services, cover design, and promotional and positioning assistance. I had done a cost-benefit analysis, being an economist, and decided this was the way to go. I had received a monetary gift from my parents for my fiftieth birthday, and I felt that there was no better way to spend it than to invest in something that had been a lifelong dream for me. My thinking was that even if I failed, even if I did not sell one single book, even if everyone who read it hated it, at least I would have tried. At least I would have accomplished something I always wanted to accomplish.
And I’m so glad I did, friends. I’m just so glad. Live your life with arms wide open! Do the thing, take the chance, dip your toe into the water. We don’t know how much time we’ve got, so let’s take advantage of life while we can.
Weekly Reading
As I alluded to last week, I had some great reads this week. Oh, I am excited to talk about them!
Heart the Lover. I have been waiting so long to read this and wow, it did not disappoint! I loved it so much. Lily King is such a talented writer; she conveys so much emotion in such a spare and economical way. This book is filled with emotion and absolutely heart-wrenching scenes. It shows us how choices affect our lives, and what it is like to take a turn at the fork in the road. It’s about past loves and current lives, and how mistakes, pride, regrets and lapses in judgement colour our world. She perfectly conveys what it is like to be in love at a young age, she perfectly conveys what it is like to build a life with a long-standing love. One thing I really loved is what it was like to have a long-distance relationship in the late 80s/ early 90s. It was HARD to get in touch with each other. Letters took a long time and phone calls were expensive. She smoothly moves between timelines in a deft and perfect way. I LOVED THIS BOOK.
Why We Can’t Sleep. My friend and book twin Anna (HI ANNA) had mentioned this book, and she said that it was both interesting and depressing. She was right on both counts! This is all about Gen X girls such as myself entering midlife, and all of the challenges we as a generation face. I found a lot of it relatable, although not all – some pieces seem to me to be uniquely American, such as crippling debt from student loans and medical bills, along with short or nonexistent unpaid maternity leaves. Still, there’s lots for us Canadian girlies to relate to. To me the most interesting part was the chapter entitled “The Very Filtered Profile Picture” for the discussion of body image and aging. I laughed – out loud! – at the quote “I’m not looking for inner peace,” a friend quipped when I asked her about why she skipped the resting stage of Savasana at the end of a yoga class. “I’m looking for outer hotness.” I also liked the discussion about seeing the task of living well in a negative, self-punishing way, such as “I should be exercising more/ eating better/ being the most mindful ever.” This was published in 2020, and I wondered what the author would say these days, post-pandemic, insane-news-cycle. Then I remembered she authored the WILD novel Crush, about polyamory, in 2025. Was that what was happening for her during the pandemic? I mean, I can only speculate.
Surfacing. CANLIT FOREVER! I don’t know how I got to this age, as a lifelong Margaret Atwood fan, without reading this book! This is the type of book that requires careful line reading and analysis; it contains a lot of symbolism, with themes of gender and national identity. This was published in 1972, which was a time of great importance for Canadian identity, as well as for feminism, and these parallel themes weave together in a story about a woman searching for her missing father in an island in northern Quebec. I really loved it.
Thank you to everyone who entered into the giveaway for a signed copy of Inhale Exhale; the winner of the random draw is Lorraine Anderson! Congratulations, Lorraine! I will contact you for your details. A huge thank you to everyone who has purchased a copy! If I may impose, it would be SO helpful if you left a (five star?) rating and review at Goodreads, Storygraph, or Amazon? Reviews are incredibly important, especially for new authors. And thank you all for being here. I hope you all have a beautiful week. xo
I love this post- I’m about 3/4 done with the book (I would have finished it yesterday but I had to take a break and finish Age of Innocence for book club). The thing I love about it is it’s SO NICOLE. I can hear your voice coming through on every page. I can tell you loved writing it. I’ll talk about it on the blog soon and I’ll definitely leave a review on Amazon!!!
I also loved the thoughts on getting older- yes, there’s no time to fuck around, and there’s something beautiful about that. Now is the time to go after those big dreams. I love that when I pick up Inhale Exhale I’m literally holding your big dream in my hands. You did it!
Jenny! Thank you so much for this! It was my big dream and I’m thrilled that you are enjoying it.
NOW is the time – yes! We can chase those dreams!
Loved _Inhale Exhale_ and can’t wait for the next one, Nicole! Loved hearing how you went for it, and now we all get to read this gem <3. I agree with Jenny that it speaks in your voice and showcases your compassion and belief in second chances.
I could have sworn that there was a poem to accompany Atwood's _Surfacing_ but can't seem to find it online. _Heart the Lover_ was lovely… but so short!
Oh, my friend, thank you SO much. Your words mean so much. xoxo
Thank you for the synopsis of your book writing journey. It’s crazy to me that a book like The Help would get so many initial rejections when there are so many bad books out there. Like, WTH?? Makes no sense.
I’m glad you followed your heart and also, what an accomplishment for your 50th year! Congratulations once again. XO
Bijoux, you would not believe the amount of rejection that new authors – and maybe even seasoned authors – get. Even your beloved and talented Elin Hildebrand got rejected by a dozen publishing houses, and she was part of the Iowa Writer’s Workshop! Sometimes I’ll read something and think “wait, how did this get published?” So much of it is connections, I guess.
Inhale, Exhale fan club here! I’m reading it very slowly and savoring it. I’m about halfway through, and enjoying the journey. Bravo for figuring out the publishing thing! I remember talking about what you paid, and from what I remember, it was a very reasonable price for making a dream come true.
I agree that 50 is a “let’s get serious up in here” marker. A huge part of why I retired (apart from the whole hating work thing and having the money to back it up) is that right now I am healthy and my parents are healthy. There is a cap on those things. I will be a caretaker when my parents need me (hopefully not for many years but they are in their early 80s). It’s true that I’ll still be able to do a lot of stuff into my 60s and 70s…but until when? Good health is something that can be taken from us in a heartbeat. It’s time to live!
Yessssss you are SO right, we can’t take that health for granted, and there is a cap!!
You’re right, it wasn’t a whole lot of money so even if things went terribly awry it would be just fine!
Congrats on publishing and doing the thing that you’ve always dreamed of! I can’t wait to read my copy after finishing my book club books. I love your writing here, and can’t wait to jump into the book.
Thank you so much Sam! That’s so kind!!!
I have Heart the Lover on my to-read pile! I have been nervous to read it because it is getting so much positive attention. It’s encouraging to me that you liked it, because we have a lot of overlap in our reading tastes.
I agree about turning 50. I’m trying to use those feelings as motivation rather than as panic.
Yes, me too – motivation to get things done!
I know what you mean re: books with massive buzz. This one was worth the buzz to me! Same with The Correspondent, which I thought lived up to the hype.
Yes, time is running out! I’m 58 soon as it’s FLYING by!!
I remember turning 50 and panicking. I probably lived more than half of my life already! You captured that feeling so well. There really isn’t time to sit around polishing a dream forever.
That publishing reality, though, especially those rejections! Not exactly like the romantic movie version of “becoming a writer”. Going your own route for Inhale Exhale makes so much more sense, even if costly.
How many hours did you “lose” (for the want of a better word) by starting over with the current book?
Oh, Catrina, it is BRUTAL. If you look up any of your favourite writers you’ll see how many rejections they have gotten. It’s a universal thing and it’s just brutal. It’s really hard to keep going in the face of constant rejection!
After I got my period I reread my 21000 words and realized that while I could cut a LOT of scenes, I could still salvage at least 15000 of it. I write about 1000 words a day, so it’s not a huge loss – maybe 6-10 hours?
Nicole, thank you for writing about your publishing experience. And yes, I know how hard it is to get into traditional publishing. I’ve sent out queries, got polite rejections, or, more often, just radio silence. I’ve been sitting on the fence about self-publishing. For me, it was the big 60 that made me think about time running out and just going for the things you’ve wanted to do. Maybe I’m a late bloomer. I received Inhale Exhale last week and am just a few chapters in. It sounds so you!
Pearl, I would love to read whatever you write. So maybe consider self-publishing? I know we’ve chatted offline about this, and I really think you are a talent! I’ll be here to cheerlead whenever you need it xo
The wonderful thing about These Days is that the Old Ways aren’t The Only Ways anymore. The exclusive clubs are largely gone. So much of it was snobbish gatekeeping. Bravo to you for seizing your moment and making it all happen your way.
Nance, you really hit the nail on the head there. Thank you for this!
I won?!?! I WON!!! I’m so excited! I will cherish it. Thank you Nicole.
YOU WON!!! xo
Nicole, some of my favourite things to learn about IN THE WORLD are behind-the-scenes anything. Tell me how a movie is made or a book is written or a house is designed. I gobble it up like chocolate mints. So I adored this post.
Life is so short and you really inspire me to take the proverbial bull by the horns and just Do the Things already.
I’m still a bit stuck in the nebulous space of having youngish kiddos, but I am TRYING to design the life that I want to inhabit. It’s a lot of work, but worth the effort. And knowing you’ve been so successful reaching your dreams is truly inspiring.
Inhale Exhale was superb and I immediately logged into Goodreads and left a 5-star review 😉
The publishing industry is kind of crazy and filled with massive roadblocks! And like anything, it pays to have connections, which I don’t have.
Thank you SO much my friend! And it’s a long process, isn’t it, designing a life? It changes with the seasons for sure.
I had not heard of the hybrid publishing model. Interesting. What services do you get that make it different from self-publishing?
I read Surfacing back in grad school and I remember liking it, but not too many details. I often wish I remembered books better. One the one hand, it make re-reading rewarding (almost like reading it for the first time), but on the other hand, there are so many books I haven’t read even once.
Steph, for me the key things were product placement in the Ingram catalogue and access to all the online bookstores, as well as promotional help. The other services were editing and cover design, although I suppose one can always hire those out separately, it was nice to have it all in one place.
I also often forget whole plots of books – some are unforgettable, but a lot I will be like “I DID read that but…what was it about again?”
I loved reading about your publishing journey, Nicole!!!! (And also I am relieved that you did not scrap 20K words of your new work — although I do understand that feeling.)
“It’s all terrible” – premenstrual me
“Meh, it could use some edits” – non-premenstrual me
In addition to writing reviews on Amazon, Goodreads, everyone whose read it should go to her library’s homepage and search for the “suggest a purchase” page and request your book. Getting your book into libraries will provide access to more readers which often results in more reviews and more purchases!
Jacquie, thank you!! Yes, everyone, please listen to Jacquie! Please suggest a purchase! I love libraries!
Good for you going after your dreams. Having many people around me pass away the last couple of years as well, a couple far too young, I can say that we absolutely have to take advantage of the time we have. Your books was awesome and so fun to read. I always have a book I want to write in my head, we’ll see! And I’m still flabbergasted that author wrote what sounds like such a wild book on polyamory?!
I know, you have to wonder WHAT was going on in terms of polyamory (I would recommend that book by the way, it’s good!)
It’s so true, it feels like I’ve been shocked many times to hear of a death far too young. And while I hope to have many decades left, who knows?
I love reading about your journey to your first published book, and I love where your inspiration came from. Writing a book is such a huge effort—I did the same when I turned 50 in 2020. My book never found its way into publication, so it’s wonderful to see a friend go for her dreams. I’m so happy for you, Nicole! 💜🌈
You could still publish, Kari – if you wanted to! I for one would love to read it!
I loved reading all of the details about how your book came together. And I am glad you went this hybrid route so you could get it into our hands ASAP! I am almost through my library holds and then I plan to start your book and I cannot wait!! My hope is that it does so well that it gets picked up by a publisher but if it doesn’t, you’ve still accomplished your dream of publishing a book!
I am glad you loved Heart the Lover as much as I did. It was stunning! I can’t believe how much she packed into such a slim novel!!
Lisa, Lily King is a genius – her writing is so economical and conveys so much! I loved that book!
From your lips to god’s ear, Lisa! I would love for it to get picked up but, well, you know. We’ll see what happens!
This was so inspiring to read! I think self publishing and hybrid publishing are amazing. I agree that turning 50 makes you realize that time is running out. When I turned 50, I realized that my dream of illustrating a children’s book probably wasn’t going to happen – and a lot of it was because I didn’t want try going through the traditional ways of making it happen. So I wrote a book just so I could illustrate it! And I self-published it through Amazon. My friends and family bought copies, and that was about it. It was really cool to hold that book in my hands, and I was so proud of it! So I wrote and illustrated another one! The best compliment I ever got was from a young special-needs girl who said, “You’re such a good author!” and she gave me a hug. I had to hold back tears! Then I got hit with all my eye trouble – and so I’m really glad I did it when I did! I’m not famous, the books aren’t best-sellers, but I feel good that I did the thing. And I’m so proud of you for doing the thing! And that you’re writing a second one! And hopefully many, many more! Maybe I will too one day.
OMG Michelle, I am SO proud of you!!! That is amazing. It really takes talent to touch children’s hearts and minds and you did it! I’m so happy to know you!
I just looked you up and you have so many books! This is incredible. How the cows got out! Happy little sewing projects! This is so joyful!
You hadn’t read SURFACING? *refrains from calling you a Margaret Atwood fake fan* hee hee. I really liked Heart the Lover. I love books where people are just slightly more witty in their banter than they are in real life.
I know, it’s shocking!
this is so beautiful Nicole, thanks for sharing the behind the scenes. I love how you embrace your passion and went for it! Because you did it with love and passion and not for the money, the end result was even more satisfying right?! I always tell my girls that find the passion and something you want to do for a long time, the money will come later as we do our best work for the joy of doing.
Thank you so much, Coco – yes! If I was doing it for the money then there would be a lot of stress involved, but as it was it was just pure joy. I’m so lucky to be able to have that privilege!
I’m so proud that you wrote a book! What an adventure and a passion project! If I ever get an idea, I always wanted to write a book. But the idea has not come to me yet. You live your life with full gusto and I love it! Much congratulations.
I hope the idea comes to you, Judy! I’d love to read it!
It made me happy to know that the money to make your dream come true came from your parents! My father gave me money for my 50th also, and I spent it on getting Mulder from a rescue! The best gift EVER.
I bought _Inhale Exhale_ via Bookshop.org, and I loved that I was able to get it that way and that my local indie bookstore got some credit vs. Amazon. I’ll see if I can leave a review there, and I will also request it from my library.
I loved your book, as you know, and this glimpse into the why and how of it was really good to know. I’m so glad you followed your dreams in this direction!
Thank you – reviews anywhere help a lot and library requests are so important too!
Mulder! What a great gift!
Also, I really enjoyed Heart the Lover, and when Birchie told me that it’s the same main character as Writers and Lovers, I couldn’t download that book fast enough. SO GREAT to read together. I wrote about it when you were having adventures in Asia.
Oooh I shall go and look!
I love that you used your 50th-birthday money to publish your book. I’m sure your parents are pleased with that as well. Now I’m like “Oh dear, what haven’t I done that I should be doing!” Haha. I know it’s not writing a novel.
I’ve put Surfacing on my tbr.
Melissa, you live your life so fully and are so well travelled!
This is such a great message Nicole. I think that we often have things that we will do later, that we want to do but never have, and that we wish we would have done. However, I, like you, believe that giving it a shot, especially if it is something that you enjoy or think you may enjoy, is well worth the possibility of failure. I am not saying that it is not difficult, but for the most part, most things that I have tried, while concurrently thinking that I may fail, have either taught me a great lesson, or have been a success in their own way. The other thing they have taught me is that success is what you make of it. Will I ever set a speed record for the one-mile run? Probably not. But will I run faster than I ever have and be proud of myself? I think so. And that is what matters in the end — challenging yourself, learning, growing and being proud of yourself, however that may manifest. I am super proud of you for going for it, and for getting it done regardless of obstacles.
Oh K thank you so much! You’re very inspirational – you DO give it a shot, no matter what! And you are right, success is what you make of it. Will Inhale Exhale ever be a GMA pick or a NYT bestseller? If that’s my measure for success I will likely be disappointed. But I wrote something I loved, and that’s success to me. Thanks for this wonderful, encouraging comment! xo
Love this post! Yes, we must grab life by the balls (breasts?) and do what we want while we can! Thanks for sharing your publishing process. I’m glad you made it happen!
I’m sorry your period made you second-guess your current project; I’d forgotten for a minute what a bitch the monthly mayhem could cause, mentally.
I got a notice yesterday that my Nicole book is on its way. I’m halfway done with the physical version of A Thousand Splendid Suns; your’s will be next.
Ok, I keep seeing Heart The Lover; I must add it to my list.
Suz, I know – why am I even still GETTING my period??? I feel like I should be past this hormonal nonsense by now. Oh well, at least I didn’t delete the file! I can still salvage a lot from it. It needs editing – so what? First drafts always need a lot of work. I don’t know WHY I got so upset (well, I do know why, it’s HORMONES).
This was such a joy to read! You did the thing! You wrote a whole-ass book and got it published. What an amazing accomplishment. I haven’t read my copy yet, but it’s one of my next reads and I CAN’T WAIT.
My writing partner is in the beginning stages of trying to find an agent for her memoir. So far, two rejections but she’s persevering. That’s all you can do!
My mom turned 60 last year and is in the beginning stages of divorcing her husband, and I just keep telling her how she can make this her next act! Independence! Her house to herself! She can make these next stage ANYTHING SHE WANTS. It’s really exciting!
Oh I hope your writing partner finds an agent and gets a huge book deal! From my lips to god’s ear!
I did not realize that your mom was in the midst of a divorce, I hope she’s okay. She’s lucky to have you as a daughter – so supportive and encouraging! I hope the process is as painless as can be, and YES, she can do anything she wants anytime she wants! Independence!