Professional Internet Commenter, or “PIC” for short

Happy New Year! And thank you to everyone who offered your kind words. I promise to keep on keeping on, because what if the mannequin came back? If a mannequin shows up in Nicole’s alley, and Nicole doesn’t write about it, does it really exist? We may never know.

I hope you had a lovely start to the New Year. We all – yes, even me – stayed up to midnight. This is the first time that the kids stayed up to ring in the New Year – and to be honest, I kind of dozed on the couch until the clock struck twelve. But we all saw 2015 come in, disappointing the children because I was unable to say “see you next year” like I normally do at bedtime on December 31.

When you were young, what did you picture your life to be like? I wonder about people who are what I like to call “professional internet commenters”. You know what I’m talking about; people who – apparently – search the internet for terms that are important to them, and then comment – generally in a negative fashion – on what they find. I used to think that these people had a lot of spare time, but now I’ve come to the realization that this is what these people DO. This is their career choice, albeit a poorly-paid career choice, and so they take it seriously.

My first encounter with Professional Internet Commenters was many years ago. My friend Veronica had written a blog post, casually and in passing saying that Esperanto was a silly, made-up language. Oh! So many internet comments about that. I had never even heard of Esperanto but it was a topic that drew many passionate supporters, who were incensed at the usage of the words silly and made-up.

I once had a Professional Internet Commenter say that he hoped someone locked me up for child abuse, and that someone should call the UN. Oh, Professional Internet Commenter. I know you meant to shame me but really, it amuses me no end. Someone should call the UN. THE UN! Yes, someone SHOULD call the United Nations about my views on health, wellness, and necessary medical procedures. The UN!

Recently a friend pointed out a recipe for muffins on the Yummy Mummy Club site that had a massive divisive comment section on the amount of sugar in the muffins. There was name-calling and much agitation about the muffin recipe. Muffins: today’s hot-button topic. You can almost see Tucker Carlson and James Carville taking sides. Resolved: muffins are an appropriate breakfast food. Today at 11.

Lately I’ve been getting Professional Internet Commenters getting upset with my usage of the words “cleanse and detox” when it comes to juice and smoothie recipes, which perversely makes me want to use “cleanse and detox” in every single conversation from now until the internet blows up. I had one such person tell me that no one could take me seriously when I use the words “cleanse and detox” because “cleansing and detoxing” is a bogus concept with no scientific backing; I happened on a “cleanse and detox” article in Canadian Living and the exact same person left the exact same comment. It made me feel kind of famous, to be honest. I mean, I’m getting the same Professional Internet Commenters as Canadian Living! Looks like we made it!

Speaking of CLEANSING AND DETOXING, are you making any New Year’s resolutions? I have one, and that is to learn how to decorate cakes, cupcakes, and cookies, and not just like this:


Technically that is not my work of art, but it’s about at my current decorating level.

So I’m pretty excited about that. I have a few friends who I’m going to call on for advice, and then watch out, world! It’s going to be a cupcake-palooza around here. And after that? A CLEANSE AND DETOX.

I’ll be over here waiting for the internet to blow up. But do share – what are your resolutions, if any?


  1. I love that you are going to use cleanse and detox till the Internet blows up. 🙂

  2. Yes, I like that term. Professional Internet Commenters.

    • The only time I got unwelcome advice from a commenter was when J was potty training (both my kids were excruciatingly slow to train). That was fun. I feel lucky it’s only happened once. How’s the cleanse and detox going?

  3. I have absolutely zero resolutions. Plus I didn’t make it to midnight to ring in the New Year, I went to bed at 11pm. I’m officially old.

  4. I noticed that commenter and shook my head. I rack up a lot of comments about what I feed my children, most of which my editor is kind enough to delete. My favorite was one where the person critiqued my use of a store-bought item, then listed the ingredients word for word. Like, did she have it handy in her kitchen?


  5. This makes me laugh so much. On my old defunct blog, I posted my birth story–which happened to include a c-section–and I got loads of comments yelling at me about it being unnecessary. I called them the Drive-by Doulas. And apparently they knew more than my doctor.

    Cleanse and detox. Detox and Cleanse. Cleanse. Detox.

  6. I’m one of those people who rolls my eyes at juice cleanses and detoxes. I AM I AM SORRY CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS?? I don’t google “cleanse and detox” just so I can yell at people, though. That’s cray-cray. And lord knows we all feel better after a green smoothie than we do after eating a whole pizza, so whatever, man. You do you.

    I personally have only had one blog post that brought out the PICs – the one about disliking minor hockey. I’m pretty sure if it had occurred to any of the people from all over North America to alert the U.N. – people who never visited my blog before or since! – that I’m sure they would have. Revoke her Canadian citizenship! She is unfit.

    A subset of “PICs” are “PTAs”, or “Professional Twitter Arguers”. These people have an opinion on everything that comes through their timeline. Every 140-character item must be parsed, replied to, dissected, discussed. You get bored and go for a walk and come back to dozens of @-replies, all explaining how you are wrong.

    Those people make my head hurt.

  7. Let us never forget the Rainbow Cake comment section debacle. It’s perhaps the most perfect example of internet comment black hole insanity and cracks me up every time. I reached it via this link, but there are probably other ways too:

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