Every year, I – and several of my friends, what’s up Hannah, Nan, and Beck? – tackle the important work of disseminating the annual People’s Sexiest Man Alive list. Side note: Sexiest Man Alive? Does that wording suddenly seem strange to anyone else or is it just me? Remember when Matt Damon won the honour and he passed it on to Tom Brady? Now, that’s cool AND sexy.
In any case, I’ve written a number of posts about this in the past – here and here and here and here if you’re interested. But this year, I’m feeling rather befuddled about the Sexiest Man Alive list.
Do you know how it is when you realize that a certain era has passed? When you realize you’re not a “young mother” anymore, maybe, so you probably don’t need this giant diaper bag instead of a purse. Or maybe one day you realize that no, you really cannot shop at Forever 21. It’s that moment when you realize that you might think you’re hip and all that, but really, you kind of look like the crypt keeper who stole your teenage niece’s clothes. You suddenly realize that at 8:00 pm on any given Friday night twenty years ago, you were uncomfortably snapping your bodysuit underneath your high waisted jeans and spritzing yourself with Calvin Klein’s Obsession on your way to the club where you hoped they would play “I Like To Move It (Move It)” whereas now at 8:00 pm on any given Friday you’re wearing Snoopy pajamas, a mud masque, and drinking wine on your couch while watching reruns of The Sopranos?
What I’m saying, here, is that I have now realized I am not the target audience for People’s Sexiest Man Alive list. I know, I know, this should not be a shocking realization, but it IS. The majority of the list is, to me, full of young men I would refer to as “boys”. As in, “those are nice-looking boys”. As in, I’ve turned into my own grandmother. Example number one:
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| from people.com |
Hey, I like his music as much as the next teenage girl, but he’s so young! And short! And young! And he’s wearing red pants and a palm tree shirt and I just can’t get behind that. I AM TOO DAMN OLD.
How about this guy?
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| from people.com |
He is approximately the same age as the kid across the street to whom I accidentally flashed my underwear once, two years ago and who now watches me when I do yardwork. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved. Especially for me. But this Rowan Farrow fellow was apparently fathered by Frank Sinatra back in the late eighties, I guess, which means old Frank was more virile than his fictional Johnny Fontane persona would have one believe. That’s an interesting fact, but it does not change the fact that he was born when I was in junior high school.
Sure, I think Jimmy Fallon is funny, but he reminds me more of the type of guy you’d be buddies with and then find out later that he really had a thing for you and that wrecked the whole friendship, dammit, Harry Burns was right, men and women really can’t be friends. Justin Timberlake is someone who I admire very much as he seems to be really happy, someone who is self-effacing and funny, and I do enjoy his music. Plus he’s a vegetarian! A vegetarian AND singer of Dick in a Box? Well, that’s a winning combo in my books. But he’s still too damn young; I would classify him in the “nice looking young man” category.
Adam Levine, though. Adam Levine. My husband watches that show The Voice and every single time it comes on we have this conversation:
Me: I just don’t get what the deal is with that Adam Levine guy.
Mr: What?
Me: He’s just not that attractive.
Mr: Yes, he is. You’re the only woman in the world who would say that.
Me: I think he’s creepy.
Mr: If you polled a million women right this minute, all of them would say that he’s attractive.
Me: I wouldn’t.
Mr: Well, you’re the only one.
EVERY SINGLE TIME THAT SHOW IS ON WE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION, AND IT APPEARS MY HUSBAND IS RIGHT. It also appears that he is a man very comfortable in his masculinity, and that’s pretty sexy. Ergo, my husband should be People’s Sexiest Man Alive, he really should be. What can I say, I have a thing for guys in suits who patiently watch The Sopranos with their mud-masque wearing, Snoopy pajama sporting, red wine drinking wives. But not tonight! Tonight I’m dressing up and going on the town – more about that in the next exciting installment of my adventures in the Boyhouse!
Paragraph #3 is solid GOLD, baby. Actually this whole post is awesome.
It’s impressive that your husband is able to detect and discuss other men’s sex appeal. Sadly your husband has bad, bad, BAD taste in men. He does have good taste in women — OBVIOUSLY.
“Who is the sexiest man this year?” my mom asked. “That guy from The Voice,” I told her. “Blake IS very handsome!” she said cheerfully and was SO SO SAD when I told her that it was not, in fact, the case.
I am FRIGHTENINGLY able to find 25 year old dudes attractive. BAD middle-aged mom! BAD.
I don’t like any of them. Hugh Jackman, yes. Liam Neeson, yes. George Clooney, yes.
So we’ve established that I’m old.
I know I keep talking about it but I finally went to see Thor last night and I watched Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, AND Chris Hemsworth in all their immense, improbable sexiness I decided that this year’s list is probably the worst one yet.
But I think you’re right. I have no problem finding men in their 20s attractive – come here, young man, you look like a quick learner, RAWR – it is only if they are of a certain type. Most of the young men on this list are just too generic – they are like Lisa Simpson’s magazine called “Non-Threatening Boys”.
I’m so out of it this year that I just had to go look at the list on People.com so I’d have something intelligent to say. Or something to say – intelligence is likely not required when discussing sexiness of men on the People list. Any way, Adam Levine is decidedly not my type. But Idris Alba is lovely…and then I really have nothing to say about the rest, though I would accept Chris Pine but only Chris Pine as Captain Kirk, because I’m weird like that. Actually, after watching Star Trek Into the Darkness in the theatre, I believe I told my friend that I would happily accept all of the Star Trek crew as well as Benedict Cumberbatch in a giant Star Trek orgy of hotness…even Uhura could join in and Scotty could stand on the side and crack jokes.
I find Maroon 5’s music sexy, but not Adam Levine. You are not alone.
Well, I’m probably even less of the target audience than you, but would it help you feel more hip and with it if I told you I don’t even know who those young men are?
Years ago when the Jason Bourne movies still had Matt Damon in them and were a thing my husband and I were discussion Matt Damon (as one did in the early 2000s?) and I said something like I really didn’t get why some women found him to be hot. I mean, sure, he is generically good looking etc, but hot? Not really. Husband looks at me like I’m insane and says “He’s Jason Bourne!” Me: ok? About a month later we went to see one of the Bourne movie installments that had an absolutely insane opening sequence with JB kicking all kids of bad guy ass. After it was over, Husband turns to me and says “That’s why he’s hot. He’s Jason fucking Bourne.” I have to admit, I kind of got it at the moment.
Adam Levine is not Jason fucking Bourne or hot. Bleh.
My husband and I had the same conversation a few years ago about David Caruso.
And now everyone here knows that my husband finds David Caruso attractive and I’ve made us all uncomfortable.
I’ll show myself out.