Taxidermy! Food courts! Ukrainian Folk Dancing!

Today I attended an assembly hosted by both Mark’s and Jake’s classes where there was a wide variety of Reader’s Theatre (Mark was Narrator #3) and also Ukrainian folk dancing.  Really, you haven’t lived until you’ve seen sixty five children wearing paper headbands and headdresses, dancing to Ukrainian folk music.  It was very entertaining.  I thought – unbiasedly, of course – that Mark was the very best of all the narrators, but also that he is most emphatically NOT a performer.  Or specifically, a dancer.  He seemed to gravitate towards the middle and back of the group, eyes on the ground, almost as though trying to disappear.  In fact, that was what he was doing, as he told me he was embarrassed to dance in front of the whole school.  Jake’s role was to do a sort of squat-kick spin-your-partner, except his partner was absent, so he spun himself.  I thought it was excellent, in a most unbiased and objective way.

On Friday I opened the childrens’ agendas and discovered that, for this assembly, they were required to wear dark pants and white shirts.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I have a policy about white shirts, and that is that we don’t have any.  I mean, my husband wears them to work, and I have a couple that I guard with aprons and extra care, but my children – no.  However, I didn’t want them to be the only two children without white shirts, and so I resigned myself to a mall excursion.  ON A WEEKEND.  I felt that since I was dipping my toe in anyway, I may as well just jump right in and also get shoes for Mark, given that his feet suddenly had a growth spurt and he was walking strangely in his old shoes, probably semi-crippled with shoe discomfort.

So there we were, the whole family, at the gigantic mall just outside the city.  Like I said, go big or go home, and so we made the trek to the place that houses the Skechers outlet.  We fairly expediently obtained the needed items, plus less expediently obtaining others (not for me, sadly) and then we went to the food court.

What is with kids and the food court?  They think this is the biggest treat of all time.  Any mention of a food court and they get so excited I worry about their little blood pressures.  FOOD COURT!  When I am on one of my rare evenings out, my husband will proclaim “It’s a BOY’S NIGHT!” and the children will lose their little minds with excitement, knowing that they are going to get to go to a mall and eat in a food court. 

After the super-exciting food court lunch, we started to head for the exit.  On the way, we passed Bass Pro and my husband asked the boys if they wanted to go in.  For those of you who don’t know, Bass Pro is a wretched, wretched place filled with a myriad of taxidermied animals.  I cannot even step past the taxidermied moose that mark the entrance without feeling alarm, which seems to be the exact opposite of my children, who enjoy looking at the taxidermied animals, as well as the camouflage hunting tents and whatnot.  Both boys immediately said that they did NOT want to go to the store because they didn’t want to lose Mom again.

Here’s the story: the last time we were at that mall, the kids wanted to go into Bass Pro and look at all the (dead) animals, and also the gigantic fish tank.  I, understandably, wanted to pass.  I said I would wait outside, but I got bored and started to wander around.  I texted my husband to tell him I was going to Jacob to look at black sweaters.  I texted him that I was now in a shoe store.  I texted him to say I was buying some boots.  I texted him to ask where are you?  God, I thought, they are taking forever.  I wandered some more and ran into him, white-faced and frantic.  It turns out that my husband didn’t have his phone with him, and thought I had disappeared.  Oops.  In any event, the boys were so traumatized that a) no one wants to ever go into Bass Pro again, and b) my husband doesn’t leave the house without his phone.

The last time I was in Bass Pro – many, many months ago – I snapped some photos:

Sexytimes!  A camouflage lingerie section, to go with the camouflage quad/ hunting tent combination, in case anyone’s in the market.


  1. Angus has had to make up dances for school several times, and has apparently been so good that he gets asked to help other students (well, other boys) with their dances. I find this somewhat mystifying, and of course I never get any visual evidence. I assume everyone else is just really, really bad.

  2. I am not alarmed by the camo fabric on that sexy time lingerie but by the fact that even looking at that cheap-ass lace is making me itchy.

  3. Kim Shigo says

    I feel your taxidermy pain and alarm about Bass Pro Shop. I feel the same way about Cabelas.

    My husband has not only dragged me into Bass Pro Shop, but he has also dragged me into the fishing lure aisle and asked me, I kid you not, “If you were a fish, do you think this lure would look delicious?” At which time I excused myself to go look at sun hats and wonder if my husband might be losing it.

    And my father-in-law has actually purchased some of that camo sexiness for my mother-in-law. Yep.

    • Ewwww…hahahaha…your in-laws have camoflauge sexytimes!!! Ahhhhhhh. I’m dying laughing over here.

    • Kim Shigo says

      Yeah its awful trying to keep that image out of my head for holiday meals! Though it’s way worse for my hubs!!

    • Kim Shigo says

      Yeah its awful trying to keep that image out of my head for holiday meals! Though it’s way worse for my hubs!!

  4. Upon hearing that I had just returned from Calgary last December, a dad at preschool practically shouted “AND DID YOU VISIT BASS PRO???” to which I responded that no we hadn’t. AND HE JUST COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY NOT. He went on and on and on about it. Apparently, twice a year he packs up his family and drives to Calgary for the sole purpose of visiting Bass Pro where they spend at least 5-6 hours in the store. Really?? Taxidermied animals aside, is there really that much to look at? He made me promise that I would go into it the next time I’m in town. So. Maybe?

    • Who would drive from Vancouver to Calgary to go to Bass Pro??? That’s insane. Sure, there is probably the highest ratio of taxidermied animals to people, but I’m not sure that’s a reason for the trip. There is a lot of hunting and other outdoor equipment, but I have to think that any other hunting/outdoor store would have similar. That is ca-ray-zay.

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  7. THat is camo sexy sex outfits? What???
    Yea, we don’t allow the white in our home. Nope. We also have a chocolate lab and his hair is all over so even if you’re careful that asshole will wreck it somehow.
    The only bass pro shop that we have in this area is in Michigan. I hate it. I hate the stupid fishing demonstrations. It smells in there.

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