Moustaches, Sexy Men, and Early Morning Photographs

I have been a bit MIA this week because it was the school’s book fair and the annual general meeting of the School Council, of which I am the chair, and those two events, along with all the usual housewifely stuff, made for a very busy week.  This is my fourth year of running the book fair and I was silently resolving that this would be the last, especially as I answered the same questions over and over: no, that’s not really a cake pop/iPod/chocolate bar, it’s a pen/eraser/calculator, the posters are $5, yes, $5 for each poster.  But then at the end of the fair a boy came in especially to thank me for running the fair and also for being so nice.  Another girl in Jake’s class told me that Jake was lucky to have a mom who was so nice and never mad, which is not exactly true, but I don’t mind perpetuating that perception.  Then some teachers told me how much my efforts were appreciated…and then I silently resolved to do one more fair.  But we all know how that’s going to go, don’t we?  I’m going to be running these fairs until the end of time, or at least until my kids leave the school.  Every time I think I’m out they pull me back in.

There are always a vast number of novelty items at these fairs, but I have to say I was a bit surprised to unpack a box with erasers shaped like moustaches.  I thought that was strange, and wondered if it was some kind of Movember thing; the moustaches ended up being the hottest ticket item there.  Do you have any more moustache erasers? the children would ask desperately, and then their spines would crumple a bit at the news No, they are all gone.  Apparently, at our school, the children harbour a deep desire to be more like Magnum PI. 

Look at that gold medallion, all nestled in his chest hair.

Speaking of raw manly sex appeal, there was another event just as exciting, and much less exhausting – for me at least – happening this week, a little so-called magazine called People releasing the winner for the title of Sexiest Man Alive.  I wasted half an hour of my life this morning going through the website, where in addition to naming Channing Tatum, a fellow who is not attractive to me, but apparently is to the People editors, the Sexiest Man Alive, there are fifty one men who are included in a list entitled The United States of Sexy.  I will let that title just sit with you, dear reader, for a moment.

In any case, the United States of Sexy matches each state with a supposedly sexy gentleman from that state, although the rules around the definition of “from” seem to be fairly fluid.  You will never guess who is representative of Montana.  You may try, but you will never, ever guess.  It’s Patrick Duffy.  Patrick Duffy.  Bobby Ewing, in other words.  Bobby Ewing, who peaked in 1986 when he was revealed to not be dead at all, but only dream dead, is the Sexiest Man in Montana.  What the hell is going on in Montana?  I refuse to believe that I am living in a world where Patrick Duffy is the Sexiest Man in any state, unless every other man in that state has died.  I am just not that cynical.  It cannot be and I will not believe it.

I also have a hard time believing that Richard Gere is among the top ten Sexiest Men.  It’s horrifying.  Not only was he part of the most disgusting, unsettling, and distressing “feel-good” movie ever (I am looking at you, Pretty Woman), but he is also really unattractive.  How does he keep making these lists?  The only thing I can think of – as I commented on my friend Hannah’s hilarious reaction to the list – is that he has photos of one of the editors of People magazine fucking, or possibly receiving a blowjob from, a hooker, and so is using it for blackmail purposes to stay on the Sexiest Men Alive list.  There is no other possible explanation, unless there are a number of people who are not me who really do find Richard Gere attractive, but I refuse to believe that.  Again, I am not that cynical. 

There are a number of men who, in my “I’m everywoman” opinion, are very deserving of a sex-ay mention.  For example:

Now THAT’S what I’m talking about.  Eric Dane on fatherly duty?  To be honest, the fatherly thing doesn’t really work for me.  It humanizes the men I’m trying to objectify but still, I defy anyone to look at this picture and not appreciate Mother Nature and her artistry:

God bless Mother Nature.  She’s a single woman too.

Can you feel it, baby?  Yeah, I do too.  I have much, much more to say about the Sexiest Man Alive, other than the Who’s that guy? general puzzlement which is my frequent response, me being fairly un-hip to the scene and all.  However, I have loads of housewifely duties that have been sorely neglected this week which I should probably attend to toute de suite. 

Before I sign off, dear reader, I will tell you of an experiment I performed this week.  Several years back it was a thing for bloggers to take a photo of themselves first thing in the morning, and then another after shower, makeup, coffee, etc., a before-and-after of sorts.  Since I am nothing if not timely, I decided I would participate.  Or maybe I was trying to revive the game amongst the whole new crop of bloggers that is currently buzzing up the internet.  In any case:

Other than the lighting being better and my hair being less crazy, the only real difference is that I look much, much more diabolical in my after picture, which is in opposition to the schoolchildren’s perception of me as being “so nice”.  Bwhahaha.  Beware, children, of my evil forehead wrinkle!