Fun with the Sears Catalogue

This was the view out my back door last week:

It has been cold and snowy forever, I think.  In reality it has been more like three and a half weeks, but it feels like forever.  At least the sun came out yesterday, which makes me feel less like stabbing people who complained about the summer heat, and more like taking the kids sledding.


I am someone who is hyper-organized when it comes to winter gear.  All outerwear is tried on, and necessary items purchased, by the first week of September at the very latest.  This is normally a very good thing: I am ready for when the weather drops twenty degrees overnight, I am not scrambling to find matching mittens, I know that my kids will fit into their designated snowpants.  But recently it backfired: the children’s feet had a sudden growth spurt in late September, and it was difficult for them to get their giant flipper feet in and out of their boots.  Rather than search the mall and become frustrated at the lack of sizes, choices, and temperature ratings, I always order winter boots online from Sears.

I went to pick up my order on the weekend, and there was a lovely cross-section of Sears shoppers at the catalogue office: a young couple buying a bedroom suite, a woman talking excitedly about the arrival of a new grandchild and the need to purchase a crib, a crotchety old man, and me.  The old man at first endeared himself to me by referring to me as “young lady” but then made things uncomfortable by lighting into the lady at the counter about an $0.81 discrepancy on his bill.

It was minus 24 with windchill last Friday, and yet I allowed myself to be peer pressured into walking my dog with my much hardier friends.  I felt somehow that I deserved some sort of medal for trudging through the heavy snow in the cold.  Or maybe I just need a better coat.  The one I have right now is very warm and huge; wearing it is like being wrapped in a comforter, as shown in this (old) picture:

but yet it isn’t quite long enough.  I was mentioning this to my friend, who suggested that perhaps I have reached the stage of womanhood of wearing ankle length, pastel coloured puffy coats, with ruched sleeves.  It occured to me then, not for the first time, that clothing really goes in stages of life, and I am sliding down the slippery slope from “fashionable” to “practical and I don’t care what I look like.”  The next step after that is wearing caftan-type nighties and matching velour housecoats.  

Although maybe not.  I’m more of a pajama girl, anyway. 

It’s funny, though.  I was thinking about my teen and university years, when I would wear miniskirts and crop sweaters year-round, with light jackets and no scarves.  Now I’m wearing the down-filled equivalent of a burkha.  I saw a young girl walk by my house last week, in the bitter cold, with an open jacket, a skirt and BARE LEGS.  I had to hold myself back from running outside and bundling her up.  I see girls like this and I say things – out loud, and directly to said girls – like “Oh dear, you look cold.  Don’t you have some mittens?”  In other words, I have turned into my own grandma.  I sure hope the next step isn’t wearing these:

The first sweater is advertised as a “face-framing” sweater for ultimate face-framing flattery.  The other two are called “fooler” sweaters, and I would like to know why.  Wait.  I just answered my own question – it is due to the “double cross-over collar” which “fools” people into thinking that you are wearing two “shirts”.  I got a little crazy with the quotation marks there, but can you blame me?  That poor blonde woman is staring at me with angst, probably because she is modelling a sweater with cardinals on it.

I’m pretty sure I’ll never wear one of those sweaters – they don’t come in black – but I can’t be sure I won’t be rocking the nursing home in one of these:

That model is WAY too young for a leopard-print tunic blouse.  I can see myself wearing this, with my bleeding lipstick and my super artificial red hair, my open-toed pumps, and these slacks:

There are a lot of pluses to being in the “slacks” stage of life, the biggest one being elastic waist bands.  Although that’s kind of a moot point for anyone who is often found to be wearing yoga pants.  The only difference between these slacks and yoga pants, really, is the fabric.  Another plus to these slacks is that you would never have “whale tail”.  Of course, I’m not sure thongs would be the undergarment of choice once the slacks stage of life has been reached.  I’m guessing the appropriate panty would be more like this one:

Or this one, for less fancy occasions:

Those are touted as “anti-static panties” which I find very, very amusing for very, very inappropriate reasons.


  1. Now those are some big panties…though I’m not quite why one would need anti-static panties. Are my panties full of static and I’m unaware of the problem?!

  2. Crunchy Carpets says

    you have to be very careful about the type of panties you wear with your slacks..too much friction and you become one of those spontaneous combustion statistics. They must wear slacks because the legs that survive those tragedies have knee highs on.

  3. You make me laugh girl!

  4. How the hell is that sweater ‘face-framing’ unless you wear it on your head? I think you could pull off the floor-length velour robe, though – and think of the warmth!

    I’m disappointed there are no people pointing off at some unseen object in the distance.

  5. I am still waiting on my Sears winter boot order. There is evidently a shortage of boys’ size 5 Sorels in Canada.

    I have an elderly relative who wears thong panties because it helps with accessing and attaching her colostomy bag. So even when they were in fashion I found them horrifying. Viva la bikini brief!

  6. Kerrie @ Family Food and Travel says

    This post absolutely made my day. What a fantastic compilation of the fashion wonders of the Sears catalogue! I have also noticed that the women wearing said ‘face framing’ sweaters seem to have extraordinarily large heads for their sweaters. No?
    We had our first dusting of snow today here. Put the boys new Sorels on and they cried and cried and cried. It seems they are not fans of clunky, heavy winter boots. Some days I wish I lived in a warm climate.


    p.s. I changed my url – hope you’ll come and follow me there 🙂

  7. My son has reached the age at which he is old enough to have soccer training outdoors in the Winter, but not old enough to drive himself there and back. As a result, I find myself standing around outside for an hour at a time twice a week all damned winter. This year, I’ve caved. I’m going to buy myself a calf length puffy coat with a hood and have done with it. Yes, I’ll look like my mother, but I can’t take another Winter of semi-freezing my ass off in the cold.

    That said, I don’t see myself buying a “face framing” top or polyester elastic waist slacks any time soon…

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  9. Happy Little Feet says

    LOL You are so funny. I love the static panties. Your family sure looks like it was having fun. My mother swears by her long puffy coats. I love wearing snow pants… I hate being cold but I hate anything wrapping around my legs. I feel like I will fall. HAHA

  10. The contents are really good…

  11. You always make me laugh! I hope I never get to the age or state of mind where I decide that wearing any of the afore mentioned garments would be okay. Definately grandma items for sure! Yikes!!! and EEEEK!!! Just say no to leopard print! I agree with you on the length of your coat because I have the same one and have commented to whoever is around me that, “it would be better if it was just a little longer”.

  12. Haha, those panties look comfy. But yeah, my husband would be like, “Uh?”

    I like when pants are referred to as slacks. My Grandma calls them slacks all the time.

  13. Those panties are so big that Oprah’s ass wouldn’t be able to hold them up.
    I love that winter coat. I really do. I haven’t found a coat that I’ve liked in years. The one I wear now has a missing button. Go ahead, judge me.

  14. I need a winter coat this year, and I’ve been having the debate with myself for two months now – long & puffy, with a hood, or short & sassy just in case my life suddenly becomes more glamorous to match the coat?


  15. Thank you I needed a serious laugh!..The woman in the pink top looks like she’s thinking ” my career is over now that I have modelled old lady clothes, even the walmart flyer is better then this” lol…and I would like to say I am only 34 and I would not step foot in a dress without my spanks lolll..I am already one foot in old lady town..


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