Landslide’ll bring you down

“I have a feeling you’re not going to do well when the kids leave home,” my husband said to me today.  My parents took the kids to their place at the lake, and when they left the dog – who is me, but in canine form – flopped on the floor, dramatically whimpering.  The dog and I stared at each other in silence for about ten minutes, then I silently moved from room to room, aimlessly staring out the window.  Fortunately my lovely friend popped by for an iced tea in the backyard, or I probably still would be staring out of Jake’s window, singing Landslide to myself, while the dog lay in a heap at my feet.

I’m afraid of changing, cause I’ve built my life around you…

The house is so quiet.  I realized around 4:00 that I didn’t even need to start dinner yet, since it would be lame to eat all by myself at our regular time, instead of waiting for my husband to get home from work.  But, since I am accustomed to eating at early hours with the children, I was starving, so I decided to eat a plate full of crackers with cashew pretend-cheese spread, and drink a beer.  I’m feeling much better now.

Speaking of cashew not-cheese spread, a friend passed on his recipe and I don’t know if it’s super amazing or I’m just so cheese deprived that I’m enjoying anything these days, but it is pretty good!  My husband thinks it’s the latter, by the way.

But what does he know?  Husbands.  They are the reason the “Better Marriage Blanket” was invented.  Have you seen these things?  Apparently this is a real thing.  Although – I don’t know.  It seems a little Saturday Night Live for me.

I don’t know what I love most about this product.  Is it that it completely and quickly absorbs the odor of flatulence?  Is it that it contains technology used by the military to protect against chemical weapons?  Is it that it is recommended as a wedding or anniversary gift?  No, I think it’s the part where it is a real solution to a real problem, and I OWE IT TO MY MARRIAGE.  How many couples are breaking up because of bedtime flatulence?  If this is a joke, I don’t want to know.  I just want to enjoy the thought of giving this blanket as a gift.  You guys seem like you could use this…  Maybe it could be given out in couple’s therapy?

Listen to me.  The children have been gone a mere three hours and all I can write about is flatulence?  It’s like they’re right here with me.

Speaking of silent houses, school starts in two and a half weeks!  Where has the summer gone?  I’m not quite ready to get back into routine, maybe because it’s been a strangely hot and fabulous summer here in YYC, or maybe it’s because I seem to have the attitude THE CHILDREN ARE GONE, I MUST EAT ALL THE CRACKERS AND DRINK ALL THE BEER.  Speaking of which, my beer is empty!  How did THAT happen?

I know all over the continent there is much consternation about school supplies and back-to-school and whatnot, but here’s the great thing about the public system in Calgary: they supply the school supplies!  I mean, there’s a fee and everything, but the fact is that I don’t have to kill myself labeling pencils and finding very specific and colour coded duotangs.  So that’s kind of awesome.  Also kind of awesome – and here’s how you can tell I’m a Canadian girl – I went through all the kids’ winter gear and discovered that buying things that they can grow into really works!  The only things I needed to purchase were a pair of mittens and a hat.  SCORE. 

The house is SO QUIET.  Clearly I’m not ready for back to school, and neither is the dog.  Although, carpe diem.  CARPE FUCKING DIEM.  I think I will take advantage of this situation by having another beer and watching an inappropriate television program.  What do you do when you have the house to yourself?

Time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older tooooooo….

Comments

  1. Rachelradiostar says

    I lounge around, the kitchen stays tidy and the fridge stays full. But I hate it when they stay away too long! Mainly I make plans to do daytime drinking with my chums! Because of today ( thanks for your comment x ) I will be a one teen household, he stays in his lair all day, coming out at night to feed. So I better get used to being alone- a la Marlene Dietrich x

  2. Mmmm cashew pretend-cheese spread. Tell me more!!!???

  3. I have had this quivery, anxious feeling in the back of my mind—like, I will need to have a new kind of life after the children go, and…what will that be? I’ve been doing THIS kind of life for nearly my entire adult life—and BEFORE that, I worked a series of entry-level jobs I hated! So…options don’t look real GOOD to me.

  4. “when they left the dog – who is me, but in canine form – flopped on the floor, dramatically whimpering” — HAHAHAHAHA! You’re so funny.

    I now feel badly that I don’t care enough about my marriage to buy one of these blankets. It’s not that I don’t love my husband or that we both don’t have nocturnal flatulence, but rather I’ve learned not to buy my science-loving husband any product that uses pseudo-science jargon in their marketing. It’s too, too painful. To hear him rant about it, that is.

  5. A few years ago my son’s school started a program in which one could pay the some company money and they would buy and package together the required school supplies. I’ve seldom loved one company so much. Now I get online, check the box for my son’s grade, pay, and promptly forget about the whole school supply thing. I could probably get them all for less $ if I bought them myself, but I do not care. The convenience factor is too high to pass on this lovely lovely program.

  6. This song ALWAYS makes me cry. Even when quoted in a blog. Well, unless it’s the SNL Stevie Nicks Fajita Roundup version.

    When our kids are gone, we will have to visit each other. You can teach me yoga and I will make you dairy-free treats.

    Also, what Swistle said.

  7. I also fear I will turn into a whimpering pile of mush when my kids move out. My mom has been amazing, when her kids moved out she was so supportive and since we started her own families, she’s all like, “Great! You’re doing great! See you in a few months!” I will never, ever be able to be as gracious. I’ll be all like, CALL ME. NOW. NOT MAYBE. NOW.

    Whimper.

  8. Every time I listen to Landslide I sing (warble) along, and part-way through I start crying, and by the end it is the ugly cry. It’s cathartic.

    I like to think I’ll be totally fine when the boys leave home, but I don’t know. The last time they spent the weekend at my mom’s I missed them terribly after the first 24 hours. So I don’t know. I’ll have to take up a hobby. Or several hobbies.

  9. BusyMomofTwins says

    I am still laughing too hard at that blanket to make any sort of witty comeback. Too funny.

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