Nicole’s Gone Kind Of Wild

I got home at 8:00 last night from a weekend at the in-laws’, home to a mountain of laundry, an empty refrigerator, and the need to detox and/or go on a cleanse.  My poor body.  That is all I am going to say about that.   

This morning I reluctantly went to the grocery store, extremely dissatisfied with the continuation of my regular Monday routine: you see, during the spring break I went grocery shopping on a Saturday night.  Nicole’s Gone Wild!  People, I may never be able to happily go back to the old way again.  I have glimpsed perfection.  On Saturday night, I was the old person at the grocery store.  The place was filled with students: making complex decisions about prepared salads at the deli counter, cavorting through the produce section with just little handheld baskets, texting in the checkout line.  I felt like I had boarded a spaceship and had been planted on some far-off, strange planet where no one was complaining about the lineups or the price of eggs.  I eavesdropped on a young couple in the produce section, having a tense argument about which kind of tomatoes to purchase.  Which kind, field or roma?  There are pros and cons to both.  The discussion got a bit heated, and I headed to the cereal aisle, feeling footloose and fancy free since no one ever argues with ME about which tomatoes are superior.

I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me.  It was hard to go back to the old way this morning, but, as I said, the cupboards were bare.

Have you heard about the Naked Face Project?  Here is what the women involved in this project are giving up for sixty days:

For sixty days, we will give up wearing any makeup, removing any body hair, altering our hair from its natural state (dying, curling, straightening), wearing uncomfortable feminine clothing (high heels, tight skirts), wearing jewelry (with the exception of wedding bands), painting our nails, using anti-wrinkle or anti-acne lotions, wearing deodorant, or styling our hair for reasons other than function.
I will not be partaking in this project, obviously.  Do not get me wrong: I deeply admire these women for doing so.  I have a number of friends who never wear makeup, who have hair that they wash and then leave it to dry naturally, and they look fabulous.  I peeked at the photos of the women involved and let me tell you, if I looked like they do, naturally, I would maybe – MAYBE – think about going sixty days without my regular grooming habits.  However.  I do not. 
1) Makeup.  The one time – the ONE TIME – I went to the school drop off with no makeup on, I had five separate people ask me if I was all right or if I was about to drop dead.  I prefer the general public does not immediately associate my makeup-free face with tuberculosis.
2) Body Hair Removal.  Oh, ha ha ha!  HA HA HA!  I can’t even go six weeks without a bikini wax, let alone not shave my legs or underarms!  I am a partial Scottish lassie.  Evidently my body was meant for the Highlands.  Not shaving for sixty days would pretty much have my neighbours wondering if a Yeti moved in.  Not to mention the unibrow and handlebar moustache that would result.  If ever I am incapacitated for some reason, I am going to need to hire out for a hair removal service so as not to terrify the children. 
3) Altering Hair From Natural State.  My hair right now has one-inch grey roots, and it’s only been five weeks since my last hair appointment.  My hair’s natural state is not good.
4) Wearing Uncomfortable Feminine Clothing.  Well, I might be able to do that one, but it depends on the definition.  I have lots of comfortable high heels – but would they be verboten?  They are comfortable but less comfortable than flats.  And what about tight jeans?  What about a bra?  The years have not been kind to my breasts.  Think partially-deflated water balloons.  Going braless is only acceptable to me if I am wearing a tank with a built in bra, but would that be included in the uncomfortable clothing category?  I have the depressing feeling that, with the exception of my pajamas and yoga clothes, ALL my clothes have some level of discomfort associated with them, yet I am so used to them that I don’t notice the discomfort.
5) Wearing Jewelry.  BUT I LOVE JEWELRY.
6) Painting Nails.  BUT I LOVE PAINTING MY NAILS.  Plus my nails are so brittle and dry that they peel right off without a good coat of lacquer.
7) Using Anti-Wrinkle or Anti-Acne Lotion.  Hey.  I’m almost 37.  I am at the awkward periomenopausal stage where I am in need of BOTH products.  I just found some miracle products that I love and that staved off a pimple prior to my in-law visit.  Since my mother-in-law is famous for gasping and pointing out any blemish that I may have, I am devoted to these miracle products and am planning an entire blog post to show my love for them.  (Spoiler alert!  Aveeno and Burt’s Bees!)  I would make out with these products if I could; that is how much I love and admire them.  In vain I have struggled.  It will not do.  My feelings will not be repressed.  You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
8) Wearing Deodorant.  I think my yoga teacher would die, and I do not want to be the cause of it.
Naked Face Project: FAIL.  Nicole will never Go That Wild.

Comments

  1. Well, I never wear makeup, so that part would be easy. But if I didn’t remove any body hair for 60 days I would be recruited by a traveling freak show in need of a bearded lady; if I didn’t wear deodorant I would gross myself out; my boobs are gigantic and without support I would probably do lasting damage to my spine… I think there is a big difference between giving yourself a break on the stiletto heels and eschewing necessary grooming / comfort products. I mean yes, bad bras are uncomfortable but good ones aren’t, and if you are a chesty lady *not* wearing one is far worse.

    • Yes, exactly – I lurve my bra. And my tweezers. And my wax. And my razor. And who really wants to be stinky? That’s just rude to the public.

  2. I would never go without my wax. Makeup, clothes, nail paint, creams sure, but the wax, no no no. Pale skin, dark hair, and northern heritage equals a bundle of unwanted hair. Laser hair removal couldn’t even kill all the hair follicles. In 60 days, I’d look like a man. No thanks.

    The no deodorant thing reminds me of a passage in the Joy of Sex where they recommend no deodorant or shaving so you can stuff your nose into your partner’s armpit and breathe their scent in deeply while in the midst of The Moment. The Joy of Sex seems to think that’s an appealing thing, but sweaty hairy armpit just isn’t my thing.

    • Oh, lord, the Joy of Sex thing. HOO BOY. I’m pretty happy with NOT inhaling my husband’s armpits. I do not think that our sex life would be greatly enhanced by that. In fact, I think that the day we start smelling each other’s armpits is the day that we cease to have sex. ACK GROSS.

    • Wow, I can think of only a few things that would be LESS of a turn on than smelling my husband’s armpits. Just no. WTH Joy of Sex?

  3. This is… a bit extreme. I don’t really wear makeup so much, a little dab of concealer on a broken capillary that drives me nuts and any red spots that have cropped up from that week of the month. And I do just let my hair dry naturall y – not that it looks great, but a lack of time and skill means I live with it. Whatever. BUt hell, I’m not going to give up decent moisturizer and so on – I’d be a disaster that I don’t need to be.

    But the other stuff? I love feminine clothes, and find dresses really comfortable, to be honest. I choose my shoes pretty carefully for comfort, too, so even my steepest heels rarely cause me a problem. NO bra? NO WAY. No one needs to see that, and I find it way more comfortable to be held in place than to be bouncing around and rubbing against the fabric of my shirt (ouch). I also love jewelry and have a good few pieces that I leave on every day, though I don’t do my nails.

    I get my hair done every 7 or 8 weeks anyhow, but I think timing the project to fall in between just *might* be cheating? Heh. As to body hair, I’m really not that hairy a beast, I don’t get my eyebrows done or anything like that, but I really *like* the feel of bare legs, so it would drive me nuts even if it probably wouldn’t look all that serious.

    Overall, I’m only good on maybe half of this. The rest? You know, I just like being a girl on some of these things, dammit.

    • I hear you! No bra? No moisturizer? I can’t even imagine what my skin would look like. Actually, I can imagine it and it’s not good.

  4. I can unequivocally state that if I participated in this project I would be fired from my job for appearing at work in court in unprofessional attire, smelling unbelievably bad, and generally looking like sheer hell. Not going to happen.

  5. Haha, hair removal. I need that. But it’s been a long time.

  6. I’ve done this challenge already…it’s called “I’m so deeply depressed that I only got out of bed because the dog was going to crap on the carpet”. A good day was one where I showered, brushed my teeth, and got out of whatever I slept in. It took me SO LONG to dig myself out of that hole that I am very reluctant to go back.

    The connection between looking a certain way and feeling good is very strong- usually, a decrease in interest in my appearance is the first sign that “something dark” is heading my way. If I don’t catch it fast enough, then I end up using “I have no makeup on/my hair isn’t done” as an excuse to not go out and do things, which means I end up isolating myself, which means the hole just gets deeper and deeper and deeper. It’s a dangerous cycle, and one which I have been through many, many times…I’m actually balancing on the edge of this very issue right now and it sucks.

  7. no deodorant?

    (shudder)

  8. Not only will I not be doing it, I refuse to admire them for doing it. What’s the point? We all know we can be hairy, pale, frizzy and smelly if we want to. I don’t tend to do things that are extreme or uncomfortable just to look attractive anyway. I truly have lowered my standards pretty much as far as I’m willing to go. And Kat, thanks for reminding me about a blog post I’ve been meaning to write.

  9. I am DYING for your face fighting super powered creams post. Do not leave me hanging!

    Except for the deodorant, I think I might already be living the Naked Face project. And I thought I was just a slob! Not that this is a good thing, just because it has a prettier name now. In fact, I think this is the wakeup call I might need to actually make a hair appointment.

  10. I can NOT wait for your post about face care products! Do not leave me hanging!

    Except for the deodorant, I think I may already be living the Naked Face project (only I call it, the Tired and Sloppy Mommy Project). Not that this is a good thing. In fact, this may be the wake up call I need to finally make a hair appointment.

  11. Well I’m about 2 weeks in-ish a depressive phase so I’m totally winning.
    Do I really win something?
    No?
    A cookie?
    No?
    That’s it, hold me back, I’m going for the razor and shaving these chewbaca legs.

  12. I don’t think I will partake in the Naked Face Project either. That’s a little too au natural for me.

  13. I would classify my beauty regime as pretty low-maintenance, but I draw the line at poor hygiene.

    Once my husband and I went grocery shopping on a Sunday at 9 PM. Turns out Sundays are SINGLES NIGHTS at Safeway. The flirting was outrageous. I can safely assume that none of the women (and 10% of the men) there were participating in the Naked Face Project.

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