Monthly Archives: January 2012

The fog has lifted.

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The fog has lifted, so to speak.  It turns out that I have a raging sinus infection, which certainly explains why I was just getting worse and worse and why I would sleep for ten hours a day and still be completely exhausted and why I felt like I was walking around underwater and why I sat up yesterday when the alarm went off and had to lie back down with a stabbing pain behind one eye and a dull ache in my ears and teeth.  I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and since this doctor is new to me, I was a bit nervous.  My old doctor always erred on the side of undermedicating, and so I mentally prepared myself to argue for some kind of medication.

Turns out, I didn’t need to argue, the doctor immediately diagnosed sinus infection and prescribed a round of antibiotics, plus an over the counter medication.  I went to fill my prescriptions, and the friendly pharmacist informed me that they did not have that over the counter medication, but I was not to worry.  It was not necessary, he said, my doctor only recommended it to help manage the pain and congestion.  Blink.  Blink blink.  “That seems pretty necessary right now,” I said, before bursting into tears.  My puffy, blotchy, sobbing ugliness spurred him into action and he found a suitable substitute. 

I feel much better today.  I can feel my old energy returning, and I also do not feel like ripping off my own head.  I have been able to accomplish some of my everyday tasks: I did the laundry without collapsing into the warm-from-the-dryer clothes, I cleaned the bathroom without crying, I walked the dog without contemplating death.  I may even bake a banana bread later today, without fear that the noise from the stand mixer will cause unspeakable anguish. 

All in all I would say that’s a good day.  Which is not to say I’m 100%, since I tried to send my husband a jokey sort of text that said “I’m sexting you!” but for some reason it came out “I’m decrying you!”.  I’m not sure how that happened.  He did not respond, probably thinking that this is my normal behaviour now.  Or maybe he thinks I’m actually crying, which is a fairly unremarkable occurrence.

A few months ago, my husband went to run an errand and came home with an iPhone for me, thereby catapulting me into the modern age.  Previously I had only a flip phone with no voice mail and I had never sent a text in my life.  Upon receipt of my iPhone, I immediately texted a friend – one who mocked me for my lack of technological savvy – saying merely “I’m texting you!”.  I was so excited.  I was less excited when my husband took my old phone to be recycled.  He went through, deleting my old information, and came upon a whole pile of texts that I had received, utterly unaware that I had received them.  One of them was from January 2011, and said “Hey Nic, so sorry but I won’t be able to make it tonight.  Call me later!”  Oops. 

All of which is to say my lack of texting and/or sexting abilities may have nothing to do with my recent illness, and more to do with the fact I listen to the kind of radio station that advertises for Grey Power Insurance.  A girlfriend sent me a message the other day, saying that she was thinking about me as she heard a Hall and Oates song on the radio.  Hall and Oates!  She knows me well indeed.

A Fabulous New Weight Loss Plan!

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I have a fabulous plan for all of you who wish to lose a couple of pounds as per your New Year’s Resolutions.  First, come and hang out with me while I cough and hack away and – presumably – pass this very weird virus on to you.  Next, wait until the virus settles into your sinuses and causes you to wonder if there is something else going on and if perhaps you should go see your doctor, because even your teeth hurt.  Then, realize that you have no appetite and all food tastes like nothing to you.  Have you ever eaten guacamole and not be able to taste it?  Tasteless guacamole is just really weird.  Your pants will be looser in no time at all!  New Year’s Resolutions fulfilled. 

I’m so dull, and I’m not sure if it’s just my personality taking a turn for the grim, or if it’s the constant headache, or if I’ve just always been so dull and have never noticed.  But hoo boy, I feel boring!  At least I’m not complaining about the weather.  Of course, it has been abnormally and remarkably warm here – it’s like March or April, rather than January – and the snow is almost completely melted.  My neighbour’s sexy snowwoman is nothing more than a stub of snow in the middle of his brown front lawn.  This feels symbolic in some way that I just can’t put my finger on (see also: my dullness). 

Something exciting did happen this weekend, though.  I was at the hair salon, and my hair therapist had just finished telling me this long and detailed story about the firing of her male colleague, and that very same colleague came through the door and started working!  It was as if he didn’t realize that he had not been fired.  Tensions came to a head when I was sitting at the sinks and he attempted to rinse out my colour.  Drama!  Drama at the hair salon!  Sadly, it wasn’t so dramatic as to be entertaining, just dramatic enough to be kind of awkward and also passive-aggressive, in a hair stylist sort of way.  Upon recounting this tale, I realize that this was less of an exciting event  and more of a minor diversion from the usual People magazine epiphanies that happen at the hair salon. 

I guess my personality really is taking a turn for the grim.  It doesn’t help that the house is silent – absolutely silent – since the boys went back to school today.  The only sound is the ringing/roaring in my ears.  That, and the dog constantly going to the door, but when I go to let him out, he turns and runs back to his doggie bed.  What the hell, Barkley?  I have a feeling the silence is affecting him too.

Inspiring!

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This weird little Christmas holiday virus seems to be the gift that keeps on giving – every day it’s a new and different symptom, and although I am feeling better – i.e., functional – I am far from being my usual energetic and healthy self.  For example, my cough is now almost all gone but my sinuses seem to want to kill me softly, with their extreme pressure of a song.  It’s enough to make a person pull out the neti pot, and I do not make that move lightly.

Back when my cough was the symptom of the day, I was taking Halls’ cough drops when I noticed something on the individually wrapped candies.  I looked closely: on each wrapper was written “Nothing you can’t handle” and “Don’t waste a precious minute”.  Inspirational quotes on my cough drops.  This seems like the thin edge of the wedge.

Is it me, or is the vast volume of inspirational quotes making them superfluous?  Everywhere you look, there are little nuggets of precious wisdom; from Lululemon bags to my favourite but very pretentiously named Yogi tea, from billboards for a “better Calgary” to the massive influx on my Facebook news feed.  It’s like, to paraphrase a modern quote, drinking from the firehose of motivational sayings.  Don’t even get me started on Jack Layton’s final letter to Canada: the first time I read it I felt somewhat uplifted; by the fortieth time I read that love was better than anger and optimism better than despair, I felt more irritated than inspired.

This is not to say that I am a cynical sourpuss – or if I am, that will surely change momentarily, given that it’s Friday and I’m planning to test the theory that red wine is medicinal.  When I was young, my grandma had “Desiderata” hanging on the wall of her home, in between framed embroidered pictures of flowers in baskets with such maxims as “Grandchildren are a gift from God” with all of our names surrounding it.  I would look at “Desiderata”, and even at a young age it spoke to me.  As I hit the bumpy road that is the young teenage years, I would remember “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” and I would feel peace.  Her “Desiderata” was the one thing I wanted from her possessions when she died; I had it reframed and it now hangs in my living room wall.  I look at it every day, and every time I read “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world” I feel that it really IS a beautiful world.  Everything I believe in is written in “Deserata”.

So I suppose that is my inspirational quote, the one that inspires me.  Perhaps someone out there is being inspired by “Don’t waste a precious minute” on their cough drop wrapper; I suppose it’s possible.  Or perhaps we should treat the constant stream of motivational sayings the way we do fortunes in fortune cookies – with a “in bed” addendum on the end.  Like, “Nothing you can’t handle – IN BED”, or maybe “Do not do to others what you would not want done to yourself – IN BED”.  Or even – and this is a nod to all the hockey fans out there, I am a Canadian girl after all – “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take – IN BED.” 

You say you want a resolution

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Well, you know.  We all want to change the world.

I used to be a dedicated non-resolution-maker, but in the past couple years I have made – and kept! – resolutions at New Year’s.  Of course, one of those resolutions was to learn how to bake bread, so it’s not like I’m asking the impossible of myself (bread baking, it turns out, is remarkably easy).  Last year I resolved to be more social, and to stop drinking on weekdays.  I did both of those things, and I continue to do them, as I continue to bake bread regularly.  It was a bit harder – I had to get myself out of my homebody rut a bit, and I had to get used to relaxing on the couch without a glass of red – but I found that they were resolutions that really had a positive impact on me, both my body and my mind.  My yoga practice improved and I know giving up the weekday wine had a part in that.

I had to think for a while to decide on resolutions for this year.  If I’m going to resolve to do something, I want it to be something lasting, a lifestyle change, if you will.  I have decided on the following resolutions for 2012:

Drink Less Coffee

Don’t get me wrong, I still heart coffee very much and I am still going to enjoy 3-4 cups a day, but it’s going to be 3-4 cups a day, rather than 6-8 cups a day, and I don’t think I need to explain this further.  To this end I have stocked up on tea.  Helllllooooo, methadone!  To be honest, the teas I have stocked up on are herbal and/or decaf, so it’s not exactly a methadone situation.  It’s more like one of those plastic pretend cigarettes people use to quit smoking.  I am cold all the time and I like to sip on something warming, so I think the teas will be just the ticket.

Be More Patient

This is mostly for the kids.  It’s not that I’m particularly impatient with the kids, but I do find myself becoming snappish or going into “fly-off-the-handle” mode for silly things.  This is not to imply that I’m going to let my children run wild and undisciplined while I explain quietly that Mommy Does Not Like That Behaviour And Here Are The Reasons Why, but I’m going to be more patient with them being just…kids.  I want to be more patient with regular kid silliness and regular kid requests, rather than getting annoyed and impatient.  Also, have you ever noticed that we – or, I should say, I – have a tendency to talk to my kids in a way that I would never use to speak to anyone else.  Why should the people who live in my house, who I love more than anything, have to be spoken to in a less-kind way than I would speak to a perfect stranger?  It does not make sense.

Walk Away From Negativity

I have decided not to let negativity affect me negatively.  Get it?  There are certain individuals in my life who are, for lack of a better word, very negative people, and I’m tired of letting their negativity ruin my day.  What I need to remember is that passive aggressive comments geared toward myself, my husband, or my kids only reflect on the commenter.  Right?  I AM RUBBER YOU ARE GLUE.  This is going to be a tough one for me; it’s always easier to believe the negative things, rather than the glowing reviews, strangely enough.  I’ve spent a lifetime taking things like that to heart, when really, a passive-aggressive person is only showing their own insecurities and that should not affect my day and make me sad.  A very good friend reminded me that an easy way to deal with negative people is to be compassionate; consider how awful that person’s outlook must be in order to be negative all the time.  I’m really going to try this; I’ll let you know how it goes.

Did you make any resolutions this year?  Do you ever?