A Fabulous New Weight Loss Plan!

I have a fabulous plan for all of you who wish to lose a couple of pounds as per your New Year’s Resolutions.  First, come and hang out with me while I cough and hack away and – presumably – pass this very weird virus on to you.  Next, wait until the virus settles into your sinuses and causes you to wonder if there is something else going on and if perhaps you should go see your doctor, because even your teeth hurt.  Then, realize that you have no appetite and all food tastes like nothing to you.  Have you ever eaten guacamole and not be able to taste it?  Tasteless guacamole is just really weird.  Your pants will be looser in no time at all!  New Year’s Resolutions fulfilled. 

I’m so dull, and I’m not sure if it’s just my personality taking a turn for the grim, or if it’s the constant headache, or if I’ve just always been so dull and have never noticed.  But hoo boy, I feel boring!  At least I’m not complaining about the weather.  Of course, it has been abnormally and remarkably warm here – it’s like March or April, rather than January – and the snow is almost completely melted.  My neighbour’s sexy snowwoman is nothing more than a stub of snow in the middle of his brown front lawn.  This feels symbolic in some way that I just can’t put my finger on (see also: my dullness). 

Something exciting did happen this weekend, though.  I was at the hair salon, and my hair therapist had just finished telling me this long and detailed story about the firing of her male colleague, and that very same colleague came through the door and started working!  It was as if he didn’t realize that he had not been fired.  Tensions came to a head when I was sitting at the sinks and he attempted to rinse out my colour.  Drama!  Drama at the hair salon!  Sadly, it wasn’t so dramatic as to be entertaining, just dramatic enough to be kind of awkward and also passive-aggressive, in a hair stylist sort of way.  Upon recounting this tale, I realize that this was less of an exciting event  and more of a minor diversion from the usual People magazine epiphanies that happen at the hair salon

I guess my personality really is taking a turn for the grim.  It doesn’t help that the house is silent – absolutely silent – since the boys went back to school today.  The only sound is the ringing/roaring in my ears.  That, and the dog constantly going to the door, but when I go to let him out, he turns and runs back to his doggie bed.  What the hell, Barkley?  I have a feeling the silence is affecting him too.

Comments

  1. poor guy trying to work after he had been fired. How embarrassing.

    Hope you start feeling better soon.

  2. Hmm thanks for the offer, but I believe I subscribed to that same weight loss plan this Fall. Took forever to get over and food tasted like cardboard and I was sad. Sure I lost some weight, but I love food so much. When it has no flavor my happiness with life is greatly diminished.

  3. I hope you feel better!

  4. Please, you had me at hair therapist.

    We don’t have hair therapist in my neck of the woods.

    Get better, big game this Saturday. It’s the most wonderful time of the year when your team is in the post season!

  5. Did you get a flu shot? I’m really hoping you didn’t get a flu shot because this would make me (YES, IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!!!) feel better because right now I’m really scared that I’m going to get this damn, bloody, weight-melting flu EVEN though I had the flu shot.

    I’m going to the hair “therapist” tomorrow! I hope there is drama. Well, there’s usually drama in the form of me stomping into the waiting room and telling my loud children to BEHAVE THEMSELVES FOR EFF’S SAKE — but I hope it’s JUICY drama.

  6. LOL @ your hair salon drama!

    Enjoy your quiet.

  7. I’d pay for that kind of quiet right about now.
    I would also like to offer up another diet suggestion…
    Gallbladder tumors.
    They’re awesome.
    Not really.

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