Santa Baby, Please Don’t Bring Me Harem Crops, or an Elf on the Shelf

This is the view looking out my back door this morning:

Notice how difficult it is to see where the snow on the garage ends and the sky begins?  My plan this morning was to take a trip to Superstore, but the snow and the thought of pushing a giant cart through the windy, unplowed parking lot shook my resolution and so instead I have been puttering around the house, drinking copious amounts of coffee and avoiding my dog’s gaze.  We are not going for a walk, Barkley.
The kids have been taking swimming lessons at school, and they ended yesterday, just in time before the really cold weather settled in for its long winter nap.  It’s so perverse to me, taking swim lessons in the dead of winter, but fortunately it has not been too cold.  Also fortunately, none of the injury, death, and/or dismemberment that I had to waive prior to them taking part in lessons has taken place.  Those waivers will be the death of my nerves.  The half block that they walk is full of dangers, apparently, dangers that they could get run over by a car or slip and fall and crack their heads open on the sidewalk.  Then, once they are in the pool, they might slip and fall and crack their heads open on the pool deck, or drown in the pool, or some other such catastrophe.  Happily, they are still in one piece, although I have yet to hear if they passed their level or not.  I’m going to go ahead and predict not.  I have yet to hear of any child ever passing their level during school swim lessons.
The snow, despite its propensity to tempt me into sitting at home drinking coffee instead of shopping for groceries and liquor (very important, ’tis the season), is making me feel all festive and Christmassy, not that I wasn’t before, but you know, SANTA’S COMING.  We don’t do a lot of Santa-magic things around here, given that my children are abject non-believers, but of course we hang stockings and leave out cookies and talk about how Santa is kind of like a feeling, that doing something nice around the Christmas season means that you are Santa.  Just out of pure perversity, though, I feel like getting my kids one of those Elf on the Shelfs.  Have you seen them?  The concept is just plain creepy – you place the elf in different locations every day so that the elf can monitor your children’s behaviour and then report back to Santa.  Aieeeeeee.
That motherfucker is terrifying.  Can you imagine having a little spy in your house, reporting on your behaviour, then moving into different parts of the house every day?  Yikes.  If we had one of these when I was a kid I probably would have never slept again.  I would have been curled up in the fetal position on my pink bedspread, rocking back and forth.  Can’t sleep…the elf’s going to get me.  But apparently it’s a very popular idea.  I’m not sure with whom, but with someone.
Speaking of the naughty list, I think someone at Lululemon is in trouble for coming up with these:
Please Hammer, don’t hurt them.  Now, Lululemon knows I love them – no one is a bigger fan of their Wonder Unders or their Power Ys or their Smooth Moves thongs than I am – but why would anyone bring back the Hammer Pants?  You can call them Harem Crops as much as you like, but You Can’t Touch This.  The only plus side to these atrocities is that you would be guaranteed no camel toe.  They remind me of a guy I used to date named Tony.  His IQ was – and I’m speculating a bit here – probably slightly higher than Forrest Gump’s.  He was a fan of Hammer Pants and that is all I am going to say on the subject.
However, while we are on the subject of fashion, here’s a picture of my new dress that I wore to my husband’s Christmas party:
You like? 


  1. You look bee-u-tee-ful! I have to go to my husband’s Christmas party next week and I don’t know what to wear. My husband said I should wear jeans and a Christmas sweater. Fashion ain’t his thing-just like proper grammar ain’t mine. I wonder what he would say if I wore hammer pants…

    Oh, and I love that sweet dog.

  2. Thank dog I’m not the only one who finds the shelf elf thing creepy as hell. Totally refuse to get one not that either of my kids has asked, they probably feel the same…

    That is a lovely dress. Both my husband and I work in uncool offices as quantified here:

    So both of us have our office parties booze free in the afternoon in a conference room. Bah!

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  4. (Reposting this b/c the typos were HORRENDOUS!)

    I think the Shelf of the Elf DOLL has some retro-appeal, but the CONCEPT is freaky. Especially since it’s marketed as a “tradition” — how is it a tradition when it’s a new-fangled concept, mass produced in China and hyped to Kingdom COME?! HOW!? HOW?!?!?!! They appear to be the hottest item of the season, but I predict I’ll see dozens of them at garage sales come the spring.

    I can’t wait until tomorrow when my sons’ swim lessons are done. They have runny noses for weeks AND two rounds of the stomach flu. I’m done.

    I’m going to predict that only YOU could look good in Harem crop pants. Excuse while I go die of jealousy.

  5. You look fabulous. Those pants and that elf do not.

  6. You look fantastic. We bought Elf on the Shelf. My guy is a bit too young for it I think.


  7. LOVE the dress. Love it. You look amazing! How was the rest of the party?

  8. Love the dress! That Elf is very creepy and there is something very poltergeist about it. I couldn’t have one in my house! You dated a guy that wore hammer pants?

  9. Those pants. I don’t even know what to say about them. The HORROR!! Wow.

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