Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

The boys have been practicing Christmas songs at school – for what purpose, I am unclear, since they never have a pageant or holiday-themed special night for the parents to watch them do non-denominational festive winter performances or anything.  Don’t get me wrong; I am not a “put the Christ back in Christmas” kind of girl, not by a long shot – and I’m also not going to get into my usual festive discussions about the reasons that Christmas is celebrated on December 25, stemming from pagan winter solstice rituals.  I like to celebrate the season as one of giving and light and love, and not get caught up in political/religious details.  If you want to put the Christ back in Christmas, that’s cool, but I am not going to get all up in arms if you call it a holiday tree, you know?  Let’s all just hold hands and sing around the shining star like the fucking Whos, okay?  No need to get all divisive.  Pa rum pum pum pum.

I’ve been on a bit of a rampage this morning.  It is one of those days where I find everything strangely irritating; the lack of green sugar sprinkles in the Co-Op baking section – the fucking Co-Op BAKING SECTION – just about pushed me over the edge.  I was one second away from ripping down their “Festive Solutions” display and going all Clark Griswold on the place.  “Hallelujah!  Holy shit!  Where’s the Tylenol?”

I realized after I got home with my non-green-sugar-sprinkle groceries that I had only consumed about 1/2 cup of coffee this morning.  I quickly remedied this and felt much better.  I’m a bit mixed: should I be concerned about my obvious coffee addiction, or should I be happy that my crankiness is so easily fixed by just drinking more coffee?  I’m leaning toward the latter.

Anyway, the boys have been practicing Christmas songs at school, and predictably, they are coming home singing various festive songs with the words changed around, featuring Batman and Robin and the Joker peeing on a wall.  Such lyric alterations are extraordinarily witty and clever, in their minds.  Eventually the conversation turned to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

And here is where I shall digress a little.  There are few Christmas shows/songs/stories that piss me off as much as the Rudolph.  In fact, there are NO other Christmas shows/songs/stories that piss me off.  I love Christmas.  I love it in the way that the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes and he realizes

Maybe Christmas, thought the Grinch, doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Christmas – perhaps – means a little bit more.
I love the generosity and goodwill that come from people during the Christmas season (except at the mall, which is why I do not go there past mid-November, to keep my wholesome view of humanity).  I love Christmas trees and lights and baking.  I love it all. 
With the exception of Rudolph.  Well, it’s not Rudolph I have a problem with.  It’s those bastard other reindeer, not to mention – when it comes to that terrible clay-mation show – the assholes that Santa and the elves show themselves to be.  People who get all pissy about “Happy Holidays” and “Holiday Trees” and whatnot should be pissy about poor Rudolph and his mistreatment.  Since when, in this day and age, is it socially acceptable to isolate and mock someone because of differences?  Since when is it socially acceptable to exclude someone because they look different?  And since when is it okay to only accept those differences when that individual does something heroic and saves the day?  THIS IS NOT OKAY.  
So when the boys came home singing about Rudolph, I said mildly to them “You know, I’ve never liked that song.  I always feel so sorry for Rudolph.  The other reindeer are so mean to him, just because he’s different.”
Jake looked up at me intently with a serious expression.  He was silent for a moment, then said “You know Mom?  It’s not the Christmas spirit, but you know what?  I kind of want to get a gun and shoot those other reindeer.”
I do not endorse violence, but I had to agree with him.


  1. Yup, I hate the Rankin & Bass Rudolph special and always have. For some reason the boys LOVE IT. Although watching it this year Harry *finally* had the reaction I always do – it’s one thing when the other reindeer make fun of him, but when the flying coach goes all jerkwad on the poor guy and is in fact the one who kicks Rudolph out of the reindeer games, well! He was horrified that A TEACHER would be a bully.

    Of course this was what I was going to post about today, and now I can’t. So fuck you very much Nicole, now I have to come up with another post idea. I’m just going to sit here and eat green sugar sprinkles with a spoon – because I have lots of them – while I ponder possible alternate topics. 😉

  2. Your child is hilarious. That one statement is so crazy violent and adorably kind all in one!

    Hey, that’s probably what Jesus would have done 🙂

  3. And what was wrong with the ragdoll on the Island of Misfit Toys? She seemed okay to me. Maybe she practiced a lifestyle that was still not acceptable in the 1960’s.

  4. My eldest just read your title in my reader. I think I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen and save the vocab lesson for another day. 🙂

  5. Delurking to say that I’ve flat out refused to watch Rudolph for several years because I hate the message, I hate the other reindeer, and I really don’t want to watch a show in which Santa is an asshole.

    Also, whether or not one is concerned about the level of caffeine necessary to sustain a decent mood, I think everyone can agree that the time to cut back is not when one’s children are singing their 8,000 variation of Jingle Bells, Batman Smells etc. Or maybe that’s just me…

  6. ha! what a funny thing for him to say! it really is a horrible tale.

  7. I don’t feel as strongly about Rudolph’s treatment, I guess because he turns out to be the hero at the end. NOW I am not a crazy feminist, but how ’bout how they treat the girl reindeer? NOT COOL. I think the thing that bothers me the most about it is that Rudolph has an out…he wins in the end. Those girl reindeer don’t have a chance in hell.

    Aside from all of that, I do still watch it and even have a Rudolph trivia game(I’m not proud) because Rudolph brings me right back to my living room floor sitting in front of the tv in the early 70’s with a bowl of ice cream for that ONE time you could see it a year. Back when we only got in 3 T.V. stations and there was no VCR to set to record. You either saw it or you waited until next year.

    As for your coffee addiction, there could be worse things…

  8. I love Hannah doing the Cranky Pregnant Lady – “I’m hoovering up green sprinkles, BITCH!”. I love your psychotic reindeer-killing son “how’s this for a reindeer game, BITCHES?” I’m taking my Mom to the mall tomorrow. Because she asked nicely, and I can’t be a bitch every single day.

  9. The gun thing is adorably hilarious – it will keep me going through long winter nights of wrapping gifts, I’m sure!

    We have a version of Rudolph, the song, by Jack Johnson on a CD. He adds an extra verse at the end right after “you’ll go down in history”…

    “But Rudolph, he didn’t go for that, he said I see through your silly games…how can you look me in the face when only yesterday you called me names?…

    All of the other reindeer, well, they sure did feel ashamed…Rudolph, you know we’re sorry, we’re surely gonna try to change.”

    Best version ever. Here it is on YouTube, complete with most hilarious video ever, featuring odd Iclandic words and a stuffed hippo in reindeer ears:

  10. How did you stop from rolling on the floor laughing at that? I would have peed myself.

  11. Co-op baking section would be enough to throw anybody over the edge (especially on only 1/2 a coffee, what were you thinking?)
    I’m feeling totally bah humbug this year maybe going out and shooting the other reindeer would cheer me up!

  12. What a good kid for wanting to stick up for Rudolph.

  13. All of those old claymation holiday specials leave something to be desired. What about the Santa Claus one where Burger Meister bans toys and all of his “police” march around the town ensuring there is no fun? And does nobody else notice at the end of Rudolph when the credits are rolling how Santa’s elf throws the bird who can’t fly out of the sleigh without an umbrella? Or am I the only one?

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