Here Comes Santa Claus!

It’s snowing right now, big huge flakes that are sending the city into a panic, traffic-wise, as always happens for the first serious snowfall.  DRIVE SLOW, HOMEY.  I should be more irritated with the snow, but it gives me an excuse to stay home and drink hot beverages, rather than take a trip to the leaf-and-pumpkin recycling depot.  The pumpkins have been sitting on our steps for weeks now.  They are probably disgustingly soft and mouldy, but I do not have the heart to bag them up, so I think I will leave them for my husband tomorrow.  It seems more like – not to be anti-feminist or anything here – a blue job, you know?  I was talking to Allison the other day and we decided that we would be the worst lesbian couple ever, given both our lack of talents in vehicle maintenance and ability to find the fuse box.  The latter is just Allison, I for one know exactly where my fuse box is located.  But I have been known to burst into uncontrollable tears when the “low washer fluid” light has come on.  Sorry, Allison, we are JUST going to be friends.

So instead of bagging up the disgusting pumpkins, I’m drinking a warming cup of tea.  I purchased a package of Yogi brand tea – because I’m pretentious like that – without realizing that there is the added bonus of an inspirational saying on each teabag!  Today’s saying: To love is to live for each other.  Actually, that’s kind of nice.  I can’t really say anything about that.  But yesterday the saying was Let your mind dance with your body.  I think my mind is doing the white-man’s overbite.

On November 1st, I started feeling excessively festive and dug through my drawers until I could find my special green pajamas with reindeer imprinted on.  Then I did some Christmas shopping, culminating with a trip to the post office/ Hallmark store yesterday.  I had to pick up a package anyway, but I thought I would get a head start on my annual Christmas letter.  I asked the man working there if they carried any Christmas stationary.  “WHAT?” he asked, frowning.  I explained to him what I was looking for – printer paper, with a Christmas or winter-like motif.  “No.” he said, shaking his head in a very disapproving way.  “No, we don’t have that.  And I don’t know anyone who would.”  O-kay.  I went back over the conversation in my head, wondering if I had accidentally asked for something completely obscene and inappropriate, like maybe an inflatable Santa Claus complete with erection.  No.  I had just asked for Christmas paper. 

Then I went to pick up my package and asked the woman at the post office counter if I could purchase Christmas stamps.  “Christmas stamps?  No.  They are not AVAILABLE yet.” she said, looking at me like I was maybe the most insane person ever.  I guess she and the other guy were in cahoots?  I don’t know.  People, I was in a Hallmark store.  Three-quarters of the place was filled with Christmas-related items and probably had been for the past three weeks.  I don’t think asking for Christmas stamps was THAT strange.  But maybe it was.  Maybe it was.


  1. It can’t be weird, because I was in a Michael’s craft store today and not only was all the Christmas stuff up but they were playing the music, too.

    And Hallmark doesn’t have a leg to stand on. They put their Hallowe’en stuff out in August and their Valentine’s Day stuff up at New Year’s.

  2. Oh thanks. You made me laugh until I threw up again.

  3. I think the Hallmark guy must have been having a stroke or something.

    Christmas stamps are available online. (I almost always order online anyway, because our post office employees act as if it’s weird to care what the stamps look like.)

  4. you know what i love about you?

    you are FUNNY.


  5. Costco has Christmas stuff out, I’m surprised the post office doesn’t too.


  7. I so know that you were asking for a Santa blow-up doll. 😉

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