I’m going as a witch.

My dog almost caught ANOTHER squirrel today in the exact same spot as the other day.  Either my dog has become an overnight hunting sensation or the squirrels that frequent our backyard are extremely dim-witted.

I have been busily preparing for our school’s Halloween Family Dance.  I’m happy to assist in this endeavor for two reasons: a) the coordinator is a very good friend of mine, and b) the Halloween Family Dance is, next to Christmas, the single greatest day of Mark’s calendar year.  He talks about it all year long.  Also, it IS very fun.  Costumes, dance music, and the whole thing is over at 9:00 pm.  That’s MY kind of a good time. 

It’s so fun to dress up.  Halloween is everyone’s favourite excuse to bring out the slutty wear and heavy makeup, which is, I think, a very fun activity.  But can we all agree that Halloween costumes have become TOO slutty?  I was searching for a Top Gun costume for my husband – SAUCY – which is unfortunately unavailable in his size and also unfortunately $72, which seems excessive to me.  Fortunately he promises to wear oil up his chest and wear tight jeans and aviators, as in the volleyball scene.  He also promises to walk in slow motion and flex a lot.  But not for the Halloween Family Dance.  For the Halloween Dance, he’s dressing up as a vampire.  But not a skanky vampire.  Just a normal one. 

Once I was on the costume website, though, I became interested in the costumes for women.  Almost all of those costumes seemed a little more appropriate for a private party, if you know what I mean.  I mean, I don’t think I could show up at the Halloween Family Dance wearing this:

although it would go nicely if I did actually purchase my husband a $72 Maverick outfit.  The market for slutty costumes is really mind boggling, to be honest.  Have you ever wanted to portray a skanky Wednesday Addams?  Here’s your chance!
The details are fuzzy here, but wasn’t Wednesday just a child?  This seems a bit perverse.  But what about this one:
What a feeling!  I think I’m going to wear this to the Halloween Family Dance, grab a chair, and start pouring water on myself.  That’s an appropriate thing to do, right?  There is a disturbing number of costumes based on Strawberry Shortcake characters:
This one is called Blueberry Muffin.  I will leave it at that.  But what about a character from that not-as-loved-as-the-Flintstones-but-still-kind-of-nostalgic TV show, the Jetsons?  Not Jane, not Judy, but ROSIE:
Rosie is the maid.  The ROBOT maid.  This is actually kind of amusing.  What if you’re more into Disney themes?  Yes, there are any number of slutty Alice in Wonderland costumes, slutty Queen of Hearts costumes, slutty Tinkerbell costumes, but this one is the winner, I think:

NEMO!!!

Dully enough, I’m going as a witch, and so I will not be purchasing any of those costumes.  On a final note, I have to share this with you:

Is there a market for this?  For a NOSE AND BEARD COMBO?  I feel violated on so many levels, just looking at this.  I mean, really?  I can almost see a nipple on this sexy Osama.  This sexy Osama with a NOSE AND BEARD COMBO.  I have a feeling that anyone purchasing this outfit would be instantly eligible for the no-fly list, as well as the OMG YOU ARE COMPLETELY TACKY AND HORRIFYING list.  If there is such a list.  There should be one.

Comments

  1. Glad to hear your husband took my advice. You need to video this slow-mo, flexing fest. You really do.

    The Nemo costume…um…

  2. Blueberry Muffin….LOL and I agree that skanky Wednesday is slightly disturbing!

  3. That Osama thing is serious? It’s not from a joke website? And…Rosie the robot? It appears the decadent society has crumbled even further than I thought. I…agh.

    I spent way too much money on my kids’ costumes at Party Packagers (neither is slutty). I think I’m just going to wear a funny hat.

  4. The Osama costume leaves me speechless.

  5. You didn’t clarify…slutty witch or regular witch? I was Glinda the good witch last year and my frenemy was the wicked witch. I looked so much better than her, but in a classy unslutty way. BTW I lived in Salem, MA for 5 years, the Halloween mecca…yeah I like(LOVE) Halloween just a little.

  6. I really, really want that Rosie The Robot Maid purse. It’s cute!

    Here’s the message I get from these types of costumes: when it comes to Halloween many, many YOUNG women are more comfortable appearing slutty than looking creative or clever or FUNNY. Actually now that I ruminate on this theory it appears to be true the majority of time. And THAT is scary.

  7. These costumes are ridiculous. Who would seriously buy them?

  8. Ha, ha, ha. I hope no one wears a Osama costume for their private party.

    Ewww.

    LisaDay

  9. I feel dirty.

  10. I am not sure which one I’m most shocked by. Okay, I’ll pick: Nemo. Because I’m assuming Osama is a joke. If it is NOT a joke, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW. (I’m lying: I would totally want to know.)

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