What does one need to wear to the Rapture?

So apparently the term “whale tail” is not as commonly known as I thought.  Here’s a snapshot from Wikipedia:

It’s just as classy as a pair of Daisy Dukes and a crop top.

Do you remember that scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin where Andy and Cal catch a glimpse of the salesgirl’s whale tail while she is working in the bookstore window?

Andy: There’s something wrong with her underpants.

Cal: Yeah, they’re not in my mouth.

Speaking of showing your underwear to the neighbourhood and possibly earning the reputation as the creepy lady across the street, did you know that the world is slated to end THIS WEEKEND?  I don’t know how I went this long without realizing that Saturday is Judgment Day and, also, the Rapture, which I had erroneously thought was the Apocalypse until a friend corrected me.  Despite my Lutheran upbringing, from which I have clearly lapsed, I am actually a little unsure of the difference between the apocalypse and the rapture, other than the presence or otherwise of the four horsemen.  So anyway, mark it on your calendars!  World ending Saturday.  No need to stock up on groceries this weekend.

I’ve always wondered: if you predict the world ending, as has been predicted many times before, do you feel silly after the world does not end?  I think I would.

My long-awaited food processor arrived this weekend, in a very large box.  Jake immediately staked his claim on the box, which he named “Boxy”.  Or maybe “Boxie”.  In any case, Boxy has become part of his daily life.  He’s putting toys in it, rearranging its location, and spending hours a day sitting in Boxy.  This is all fine with me.  However, a game has emerged, and it essentially consists of Jake climbing into Boxy, closing the top, and calling to me.  Then, I am supposed to act surprised because Jake is not in the room; instead there is just a giant food processor box.  Failure to play along is not an option.  Along with this game is much one-sided conversation about the various Hero Factory characters that are inside of Boxy, which one I like best, and all of their different attributes. 

Here is my dilemma: on the one hand, there is less than six weeks left of school, then my afternoons with Jake will be over forever, as he starts Grade One in the fall.  I should be cherishing all of these moments.  One day, perhaps, he will not want to share every detail of his life with me.  But on the other hand, I think my eardrums are going to burst from so much loudly punctuated conversation.  “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, can I tell you something MOM?  MOM?  Did you know that Furno MOM?  Did you know that Furno is very powerful MOM?  MOM?  Guess what MOM?  I have a Breez 2.0 in my MOM?  Mom, can I tell you something MOM?”  Two and a half hours of this constant stream of consciousness and I am a broken shell of a woman. 

Yesterday after an afternoon based entirely on Jake’s talking and my planting actual flowers to go with my metaphorical mind-flowers – my thoughts are my seeds!  Jake’s just sharing his life with me! – we went to pick up Mark after school.  Mark played with one of his friends on the playground for a while, then came up to me and indignantly accused me of never listening to him, ever.  I thought sadly that maybe, given the afternoon’s events and my possible exploded eardrum, I was tuning out everything my children were saying, and I bent down to listen to what he had to say, which was, somewhat anticlimactically, “There was a ladybug on the slide.”

He went on to say that he and his friend were trying to rescue it, because if someone killed a ladybug, then Jesus’ mother would be angry.  I was completely startled by this revelation, and said that I didn’t know about Jesus’ mother, but I would be sad if a ladybug was killed, as they are very helpful bugs.  Mark nodded solemnly, and said “I guess both my mom AND Jesus’ mom would not like anyone to kill a ladybug.”

Comparing me, the creepy lady showing her whale tail in a modern day Mrs. Robinson-type way to the young neighbour to Mary, Mother of God seems a little heretical.  Maybe I should be concerned about this weekend.


  1. Hello! Hope you’re having a fantastic week so far!!


    I’m your newest follower. If you’d like to follow back, you can find me at http://thatsoundslikecrazy.blogspot.com

  2. yeah, that news about the world ending on Saturday makes me think whether or not I would post more blog articles. lol!

  3. I’ve heard all sorts of things about the rapture on Twitter but I haven’t actually heard what it’s about. Oh, well. I guess if the world ends it doesn’t matter if I knew what was going on anyway. I don’t want any ladybugs to be killed either. They are too pretty.

  4. I am happy the world is going to end at 6 p.m. At least we’ll get a day of sunshine in before we say goodbye.


  5. Like who decided that the world was going to end this weekend? Like really. Was it Tom Cruise who said it?
    Either way, I am off my period which means that if that world ends this weekend, I’ll be sporting a whale tale because I love thongs. I do.
    I find them super comfortable.

  6. Thanks for the whale tail clarification. I can’t do thongs – I would worry that this is TMI, but you told me and my blog readers what song was on when you had sex with your husband for the first time (so, on your wedding night, right? :)). I figure if the world’d ending on the week-end, I don’t have to clean my house. Oh wait, I don’t want Jesus to see dirty laundry piled all over. Crap.

  7. I think this is my most favorite post by you yet. You sum up boy conversations very well.

    On our trip 2 weeks ago, my son bought a game guide to a Zelda game that he plays with his dad.

    To mimic…mock…entertain…torture… me, he’s been asking me quiz type questions about the inane, tedious crap he reads in his video game book.

    I can’t even pretend to listen.

    Worst $1 ever spent.

    It probably makes Jesus’ mama sad when us earth-bound mamas don’t listen to their children with both ears.

    C’est la vie!

  8. I feel the same way about my youngest – I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only one who finds the pretend-time tedious. My younger sister often says that our mother was a total failure because she never played with us. That makes me scared, but it’s still not enough to make me play Barbies for the 20th time that day. Mama needs a Twitter break!

  9. just discovered you thru Kat’s Confession. New Canadian gfc follower and I am at http://www.simplyshopandsav.ca

  10. My afternoons with K area almost over because he starts full-day kindergarten in the fall. The emotional conflict I feel over this is severe…so I tend to push it deep down where I don’t have to consider what I really feel about this for another few months.

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