The episode in which Nicole takes her deflated bosoms bikini shopping

What is more traumatic than bathing suit shopping? Well, I guess a lot of things are much more traumatic. Let me re-word that: what shopping related travesty is worse than bathing suit shopping?

Apropos to my rant about loving your body, feeling comfortable in your skin, I decided that I was desperately in need of a new bathing suit. For one thing, the last bathing suit I purchased was back when the girls were a lot more well-rounded, if you know what I mean. It was really high time to find a new one. I also decided, somewhat rashly, that it was also time I bought a bikini. The last time I wore a bikini was in June of 1997 for a girls’ trip to Mexico. So, with “celebrate your body, girlfriend” in my mind, I high-tailed it to the nearest Swimco, telling myself I was not going to leave without a bikini.

I really dislike shopping. My whole life’s work (in shopping terms) has been to narrow down three stores in which I can purchase anything I might need to wear, because I know how the clothes fit. Swimco is not one of these stores. What is it with bathing suit sizes? You think you know what size you are, then when you shop for a bathing suit it is like you have landed on a different planet, where sizes are all randomly determined. None the less, I pushed on, having limited time to shop and hey, I WAS NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A BIKINI.

As I tried on several suits, I discovered something that is probably self-evident, but that I clearly had not thought of: bikinis can be really skanky looking. One wrong move and all hell would break loose, if you catch my drift. Thus the following conversation:

Me: Isn’t it a little…revealing?
Young salesgirl: Well, you are trying on a bikini.

Touché, young salesgirl, touché.

I explained my dilemma – I have two little kids, but as they are not nursing, I really don’t need my nipples showing, I kind of feel like I look like a whore – and the nice young salesgirl came up with the perfect solution, one that would give me much better coverage. It was especially perfect, considering my dramatically deflated breasts and all.

She brought me a bikini top from the junior girl’s section.

So this is what it has come to, my people. As I have said before, and I doubtless will say again, oh how the mighty have fallen.


  1. Bathing suit shopping should be what they make terrorists do to torture them 😉

    I think I’m going to wear my bikini in public this summer, but it’s a little, erm, padded. No need for me to look like a boy.

  2. I hear you! I need to leave some things to the imagination people! I have 3 bikinis now…after much work with the old weights and boot camps galore. Sadly my deflated balloons didn’t see any improvement from that but the rest of me did.

    I had trouble finding bottoms that didn’t leave 3/4 of me showing. The sizing is crazy!

  3. This post was awesome – especially the punch line about the junior section! I sent it on to a few girlfriends here at the office and everyone could relate the horrors of bathing suit shopping:)

    Am due 11-July, so less than two months to go…can’t wait as I am starting to feel quite uncomfortable!

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