On Breakfast Television today (or what I refer to, in quotation marks, as “the news”) there was a shocking headline “Sleep deprived moms more likely to suffer postpartum blues”. Really? Really? That’s astonishing. Isn’t sleep deprivation used as a form of torture? They probably practice it on Gitmo. Oops, sorry, I briefly forgot my “no politics” policy. Take a look at the life of a new mom: life-changing upheaval, crying infant, massive hormonal swings, soggy t-shirts, and a house in disarray. Add in the inevitable exhaustion and sleep deprivation and yes, I suppose you could say it all equals postpartum blues. Not sleeping for more than two hours at a time will do that to you.

But this is the same “news” that brought me the following information: the key to financial success is to live within your means. I’m not sure we needed a financial expert to tell us that; we could have just talked to my grandpa.

I’ve been feeling bluesy myself today, but it’s not the postpartum kind; it’s the kind that precedes what is referred to in yoga circles as “ladies’ holidays”. At least I think that’s what it is; hopefully I’m not just lethargic and crabby for no reason. Now I’m going to go eat a handful of chocolate chips, and cry. Have a good weekend everyone!

It’s the dog’s first birthday on Saturday, and although I’m fairly indifferent about this milestone, and the dog is certainly oblivious, the boys know it’s his birthday and want to celebrate. Jake said “What if you make a cake for us and get a treat for Barkley” and this struck me as a very excellent idea. Who can argue with cake? I had to pick up dog food this week anyway, so today I did that and chose a lovely bully stick for $1.39. Perfect.

I chatted with the nice cashier, and she told me that for a doggie birthday party, I could purchase some goody bags for all my doggie guests! And for ten dollars I could also purchase a handmade doggie treat in the shape of a cake! I smiled in that somewhat alarmed and startled way you might have when someone you just met gives you information that you would rather not have. A doggie birthday party. With actual doggie guests, doggie cake and doggie goody bags. Is it me, or does that seem like an insane waste of resources?

a) I do not want many dogs in my yard peeing on my plants, digging up my flowers, and flattening my shrubs, which is exactly what happened the last time a friend came by with her dog in tow.
b) My dog would happily eat garbage off the street if I would let him, and I have actually witnessed him eating his own fecal matter, so I would hardly spend ten dollars on a treat that he would likely devour in less than a minute.
c) I expend enough energy on my children’s birthday parties; I do not need to expend any for the dog.
d) I love my dog very much, but he is, after all, a dog. Yes, he’s a member of the family, but he is the canine member of the family. Important distinction.

Today my husband went back to work after a week of vacation. Have I mentioned my boys are VERY attached to their father? Let’s just say we don’t exactly have Mama’s boys in our house. “Dad, you’re my best friend. I love you SO much” is a chorus heard often around here, relegating me to chopped liver status.

Moving on. Rob went back to work, and I was prepared for some melancholy around the house, given past experiences. So I was not really surprised to see Mark sitting on the steps, staring forlornly at the back door, tears running down his face. “I wanted to wear my T-Rex shirt”, he sobbed, referring to the shirt his father bought him during last week’s trip to Drumheller, “but it’s in the wash”. I assured him I would do laundry right away, and he could wear it to school this afternoon, but I guess he just needed to cry, which he did for about fifteen loud minutes, after which he decided to get on with his life.

Meanwhile, Jake was playing with some dinosaurs and narrating, “You know why this dinosaur is sad, Mom? Mom? This dinosaur is sad because he can’t find his dad.” I started to look around for the hidden camera, feeling strangely like I was in a documentary entitled “Very Basic Child Psychology” or similar. After much dinosaur sadness, Jake just came undone. “Everything is boring and I don’t like today!” he announced, and then dissolved into a puddle of tears.

I don’t know about you, but I find mornings like this very trying.

It’s not like I want them to be robots with no emotions whatsoever, it’s not like I want them to repress their feelings, but at times I wish young children would have a wee bit more perspective. I gave myself an invisible medal for not snapping and saying “For God’s sake, he just went to work!”, and went about my day, playing Superheroes and Dinosaurs save the Farm Animals, and eventually the boys went back to being their usual cheery selves.

Who needs Mama’s boys, anyway?

There was a woman who I knew only casually, who I bumped into every once in a while for a few years, who seemed to really dislike her child. Does that sound harsh? I know it does, but every single time I saw her I was subjected to a litany of complaints about her child and the particular stage he was at. “Terrible twos? Try terrible eighteen months!” she informed me when we first met. Then it truly was the terrible twos, followed by “I thought two was bad, but it’s nothing compared to age three! And I hear four year olds are even worse!”

I haven’t seen her for a while, but I can just imagine the conversation about horrible five year olds, bratty six year olds, all the way up to the teen years and beyond. “My child? He just turned twenty six. And can I just say that it is the WORST age?”

It’s pretty easy to dwell on negative aspects of your child’s particular stages, and forget about the benefits. Case in point: my bossy and dictatorial five-year-old (who may not be as unlike his mother as one may think) who believes that near-constant negotiation is the key to the universe. Perhaps there is a future for him in litigation, or maybe deal brokering? I can see him yelling into his BlackBerry: “Tell Miller that if he won’t move on the cost structure, then the whole damn deal is off! Just get it done!”. He’d be great at it!

Another point to ponder: if you are three and a half, you may have some very definite ideas about how things should look and work, but you may or may not have the coordination skills to make them work. Also, you may not have peed for eight hours and it may be 20 minutes until dinner, and that just might make you come completely undone. You may also resent your mother’s interference in such matters. “Honey, that’s a Lego piece, I don’t think it can fit in the Playmobil guy’s hand” is something your mother might say, innocently ruining your plan for world domination. “IT HAS TO WORK!!!! IT NEEDS TO FIT!!!” might be your typical response.

But disregarding those perfectly age-appropriate personality traits, I just have to say how happy I am that they are five and three and a half. Yesterday we went to the Tyrrell Museum in Drumheller (and if you are in Alberta or visiting Alberta, this is a must do) and it was so great. They are young enough to be thrilled every second, yet old enough not to pee in their pants or fall to the floor shrieking if you move on to the next exhibit. They are old enough to say “Could I please have my snack” rather than sobbing wordlessly while you try to figure out what’s wrong. They traveled happily in the car for two hours each way and it led me to a total epiphany.

Which was: I’m not dreading our annual summer vacation! This is a big step for me because in previous years, I was just completely worn out from the massive planning, and all the diapers, and snacks, and everything else. My “vacation” consisted of me doing all my usual household chores, just in a less convenient setting, with the added bonus of long visits with relations of my husband, who may or may not agree with my parenting methodology, if you catch my drift. The kids wouldn’t sleep well, which meant I didn’t sleep well, and I would be so exhausted I would end up shampooing my face in the shower.

But this year it’s going to be different, I can feel it. I’m excited about the beach, trusting that no one will shriek and run away when I try to apply sunscreen, I’m excited about the drive even, and that is saying something. So it’s a good stage to be in, don’t you agree?

Last night I watched American Idol, as I tried to thaw out from the FREEZING COLD soccer practice. It must be noted that I’m not a huge fan of this show, but somehow end up watching it as my husband really likes it. I have enjoyed this season though – the singers are talented and the songs have been fairly interesting. Anyway, as I hummed along to What’s Going On, I realized that there are hundreds, maybe even thousands, of songs the lyrics to which I know by heart.

A few years ago, I read an article by a woman who had been trying to lose weight for years. She spent years dieting, calorie counting, and obsessed with food when one day she realized all the mental energy that she had spent thinking about weight loss and food could have been more productively used.

This begs the question: how much of my brain space are all of these song lyrics taking up? Could I be much more productive if I didn’t know the lyrics to every song on Sgt. Pepper, or if I couldn’t rap all of “Parents Just Don’t Understand”, a song committed to memory during my time at summer Bible camp in 1988? If someone casually says “Take a load off” I immediately have “The Weight” running through my brain. Is this information squeezing out more important information?

The fact that I’m writing this post probably suggests that my mind is a bit of a wasteland today. So maybe, yes, the song lyrics are taking up valuable brain space.

Keeping that in mind, who is going to win American Idol tonight?

This is how my (much younger) cousin celebrates the Victoria Day weekend, by going camping and taking along a few (but just a few, I’m sure) beers, because, as all Canadians know, the Victoria Day weekend is the unofficial start of summer! This morning I woke up to a light skiff of snow on the ground, and my thoughts were happy because it was one degree Celsius, which means that my plants actually did not have frost damage last night. That is how you can tell I am a true Calgarian: I was happy that it was (marginally) above freezing in late May.

But camping! On the long weekend! It seems like this is the thing to do and it’s something I have never understood. For one thing, camping is just not my thing. I love the outdoors, I love being outside IN THE DAY. I love gardening, hiking in the mountains, cross-country skiing, and just generally being outside soaking up the sun, albeit with a thick layer of high SPF sunscreen. However, at night, I like to be indoors, thank you very much. My husband and I went camping for three days on Vancouver Island shortly after we got married, and that, as they say, was that. I’m sure I will be suckered into more camping trips in my life, but I’m not exactly enthusiastic about it. Camping in May, though, seems a bit like utter lunacy, especially in this part of the world, where you can have warm and sunny days followed immediately by a snowfall, which is exactly what happened this weekend.

I seem to be in the minority with these thoughts.

My weekend was lovely though – the weather was beautiful for Saturday and Sunday and so I somewhat frantically worked in my garden, taking advantage of the sunshine and even wearing a t-shirt and Capri pants, which is clearly a sign that temperatures are rising, given my propensity to wear sweaters year round. But I will stop writing about this because I seem to have turned into an elderly woman who can only talk about the weather and her garden. Next thing you know I will be complaining about my varicose veins. Oh wait! I already DO complain about my varicose veins. Maybe I should just make myself a hot toddy and watch the sleety snow fall. The perfect way to end the Victoria Day weekend.

What is more traumatic than bathing suit shopping? Well, I guess a lot of things are much more traumatic. Let me re-word that: what shopping related travesty is worse than bathing suit shopping?

Apropos to my rant about loving your body, feeling comfortable in your skin, I decided that I was desperately in need of a new bathing suit. For one thing, the last bathing suit I purchased was back when the girls were a lot more well-rounded, if you know what I mean. It was really high time to find a new one. I also decided, somewhat rashly, that it was also time I bought a bikini. The last time I wore a bikini was in June of 1997 for a girls’ trip to Mexico. So, with “celebrate your body, girlfriend” in my mind, I high-tailed it to the nearest Swimco, telling myself I was not going to leave without a bikini.

I really dislike shopping. My whole life’s work (in shopping terms) has been to narrow down three stores in which I can purchase anything I might need to wear, because I know how the clothes fit. Swimco is not one of these stores. What is it with bathing suit sizes? You think you know what size you are, then when you shop for a bathing suit it is like you have landed on a different planet, where sizes are all randomly determined. None the less, I pushed on, having limited time to shop and hey, I WAS NOT LEAVING WITHOUT A BIKINI.

As I tried on several suits, I discovered something that is probably self-evident, but that I clearly had not thought of: bikinis can be really skanky looking. One wrong move and all hell would break loose, if you catch my drift. Thus the following conversation:

Me: Isn’t it a little…revealing?
Young salesgirl: Well, you are trying on a bikini.

Touché, young salesgirl, touché.

I explained my dilemma – I have two little kids, but as they are not nursing, I really don’t need my nipples showing, I kind of feel like I look like a whore – and the nice young salesgirl came up with the perfect solution, one that would give me much better coverage. It was especially perfect, considering my dramatically deflated breasts and all.

She brought me a bikini top from the junior girl’s section.

So this is what it has come to, my people. As I have said before, and I doubtless will say again, oh how the mighty have fallen.