As you might imagine, I very frequently get asked for book recommendations. As you might not imagine, I am almost as frequently completely at a loss for book recommendations.
I am loathe to recommend anything across the board, or really, anything at all unless I know a person well and I know their reading taste. Everyone is so different, and just because I love a book most certainly does not guarantee someone else will. In fact, my experience has been that, very often, books I love are met with dislike, boredom, or, at best, neutrality and polite confusion as to what I love about it.
And the same goes for me. I often find myself with unpopular opinions about popular books. I have a few friends who know me well enough to never recommend dystopia, for example, or fantasy. I sometimes enjoy a thriller but rarely a mystery, and horror books are far too scary for me to even contemplate.
But there is one book that I really do think every woman can benefit from. I first read it five years ago TODAY, and it completely transformed my life.
I picked up Your Body, Your Best Friend at the library in August 2020, and after I finished I immediately ordered a copy for my shelves. The author is a yoga teacher and a Zen Buddhist practitioner, and her life journey was so resonant and relatable that it felt like someone had actually looked into my soul and then written it into a book.
The book explores the concept of maitri, or loving-kindness, as practiced towards oneself. If we cannot practice maitri with ourselves, we cannot truly practice it with the world. We as women are conditioned to make ourselves small, to not take up space, and to punish ourselves or withhold joy if we don’t measure up to a certain standard. We are taught to compare ourselves to other women and to compete with them, as if the world is a cake with finite pieces, and we will only get a piece if someone else doesn’t.
I cannot overestimate how significant this book was for me. I looked at myself – really looked deeply – and realized that I had been unkind to myself lo those many years.
The moment I finished the book I vowed to never weigh myself again, and I still haven’t, five years later. That was the most concrete action I took; the rest of the lessons that I internalized were less obvious, until I reread the book this week. I have reclaimed joy in movement and joy in food, I have recognized the need for body intuition and for rest, and, crucially, I have realized that our bodies are always changing, along with our minds, our emotions, and our perspectives, and this is a beautiful thing.
Taking joy in food and movement, rather than seeing those things as punishments or rewards, is a really big thing.
There was something else in the book that I found devastatingly relatable: the author’s height and age of puberty. I was also a tall girl and an early bloomer, and if you think that being 5’7″ and having a C-cup bra in seventh grade sounds good, think again. To this day when I see young teens who could “pass” for twenty, I close my eyes and say a little prayer for them, because I know what that is. I know the feeling of body hatred, I know the intense desire to be smaller, to be thinner, to be less curvy. I know what it is to wear giant sweatshirts and to walk with a slouch. I know what it is to be sexualized at a young age, to garner attention and not know what to do with it, and most of all, to feel shamed for it. I know that deep body shame.
I think we all, no matter what our experience, wish we could go back in time to love our younger selves, to wrap those shamed and self-hating girls up and keep them safe. It occurred to me that there is a way to do this.
It occurred to me that the menopause transition is very similar to puberty. In both cases, there are changes that are completely beyond our control, that make us somewhat unrecognizable to ourselves. Wild things are happening to our skin, our faces, our bodies. There are hormonal ebbs and surges, there are insecurities, and, of course, there is shame.
Until someone invents a time machine in which we can all hop on and hug our younger selves and reassure them that they are, truly, beautiful inside and out, why don’t we all do something radical and accept our truly beautiful selves as they are right now. Why don’t we all accept that our bodies are going to change as we journey throughout this life, and acknowledge that for the precious privilege that it is.
Just like we cannot truly show up for others until we show up for ourselves, let’s practice loving-kindness to ourselves NOW, as a gift to those young, insecure girls that we were, back when we were thirteen.
Weekly Reading
I am continuing to dissociate from the world by reading three books a week, so I have a couple I want to talk about in addition to Your Body, Your Best Friend. But first! Big news! I had a DNF! I started The Heart of Winter, but after reading This Is A Love Story last week, I just could NOT. I could not read about another long and tumultuous marriage that ends when one half of the couple gets a terminal diagnosis and dies. Instead, I read…
One Hundred Years of Lenni and Margot. Instead of The Heart of Winter, how about a book about a 17-year-old girl with a terminal illness who befriends a similarly-dying 83-year-old in the hospital where they are both soon to meet their demise! CHEERFUL. But it is a lovely book about two friends who decide, in the hospital’s art program, to make 100 paintings for each of their 100 years, telling their life stories along the way. There are parts that you REALLY have to suspend disbelief – would a father truly just leave his 17 year old daughter in the hospital to die alone? would a nurse really be so mean to a dying teenager just because she wants to go to the chapel to visit the chaplain? how did Margot pay her bills if all she ever did was be an animal activist? – but it is just a sweet, cute book about cross-generational friendship.
Abigail and Alexa Save The Wedding. Continuing with this week’s unofficial theme – friendship – two very different ladies find themselves soon to be related via holy matrimony…in this case, they are the mothers of the bride and groom. One is a very West Coast Greek Single Mother, the other is East Coast WASP Of Reduced Means, and all is going pretty well until their children decide to CALL OFF THE WEDDING! No! Not after they’ve already secured the venue! And bought dresses! This cannot stand! The two women work together, along with a group of ladies called the Merry Widows, to bring the couple back together. Capers ensue! Let’s not overthink this, it’s just a fun, fast read.
I hope you have all had a lovely week! Mine has been filled with reading, obviously, and also a LOT of time in the garden. Lord have mercy, I have more tomatoes than I could have ever imagined. This year’s tomato is last year’s zucchini, let’s put it that way. And believe you me, I have a lot of zucchini. Lovely problems to have, for sure. xo
I IMMEDIATELY went to my library website to see if they have this book- and they don’t. But Barnes and Noble has it, so I’m going to buy it. I big, huge YES to everything in this post. I was also a tall girl with curves in seventh grade, and went through all the same emotions you did. WHY should we do that to ourselves all over again in our 50s??? I love the idea that being kind to ourselves now is akin to going back to our seventh grade selves and giving that poor girl a big hug.
Thank you for this beautiful post!!!
Awww Jenny, now I want to go give your young self a hug. And your current self too! Let me know how you like the book – I hope you do!
What a beautiful and moving post. I am in the 5’7” club but developed more slowly than my peers so stood out for a different reason! I hunched my shoulders so much to make myself less tall and to hide my flat chest.
I definitely need to read this book as I find it hardest to be kind to myself, sadly. The perimenopause body changes seem to have hit me earlier than others and I do not feel good in my body right now which is hard. So I need to work on radical acceptance.
I read Lenny and Margo years ago and it made my top books list that year. It was so sweet! I DNF’d a book yesterday, too, as you know (Emily Henry’s latest). I have liked or loved most of her books except Happy Place but I just couldn’t get into this book. And now I might DNF ‘Deep Cuts’ because I just don’t know if I care about song lyrics enough to enjoy the book (and I do love song lyrics, just not any that have been highlighted so far).
Oh Lisa, I think you would really love it. It’s super easy to read and very enthusiastic. SO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS. But I loved it and the messaging was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I was 45 when I read it so just a touch older than you, and it was perfect timing.
Ha. I started to read This Is A Love Story, but stopped because I had just finished The Heart of Winter and that seemed like enough sadness!
I really enjoyed 100 Years. But, yes, the father was a complete a-hole. I really loved the priest though, which reminded me that one person can make a monumental difference in someone’s life. I also love intergenerational friendships. It was sad, though.
I had a similar about change in my perception of body image when I read The F*ck It Diet. It definitely changed my life!
I DNF’d Nesting. I know Birchie loved it, but I have a HARD time handling books about emotional and physical abuse. I made it about 30% of the way through and was like: “Nope. I know this mirrors so many women’s reality but it’s a work of fiction and I don’t need to read this because it’s causing me anxiety.” (I did skip to the end to see how it all played out, though, OBVIOUSLY!
The priest was great! He was definitely my favourite part of the book. I loved “when you get to heaven…give them hell.”
I love a book that transforms our ways of thinking! xo
I’ve never heard of this book and don’t remember being developed or not at that age as I was the only asian girl in non-asian class, most of them much more developed than me. Now I look at my elder daughter who’s in 7th grade, she’s probably oldest in her class so maybe she’s feeling it? I don’t know as she’s Asian and compared to western developed girls, she is still like teens. I’m intrigued by the message of the book that made me not weight for 5 years!
It was such a transformative book for me, Coco, I think you would also enjoy it. Great messaging for women of all ages! And the yoga teacher who wrote it just has a lovely spirit, you can feel it in her writing. It must have felt strange being the only Asian girl – if you want to talk about it I’d love to hear about it.
I scooted over to my library site to look for the book but they don’t have it. Oh the angst we women have over our bodies, from puberty to menopause and beyond. A lot of it imposed by society’s impossible standards. Yes, our aging bodies are going to change, and change again, and sometimes it’s hard to accept that … until you remember what the alternative is! I read A Heart of Winter (a little slow, I had higher expectations) but have not read This Is a Love Story and I know they’re pretty similar, so I’m going to wait a while to read the latter.
Pearl, I would definitely wait. Maybe I’ll get to The Heart of Winter next year but I am not in a hurry. This Is A Love Story was good, but so sad.
One of my senior yoga students said to me when I asked how she was “I’m on the right side of the grass!”
I also have trouble making book recommendations because I can never remember book titles!!! So many are generic that they just don’t stick in my brain. But yes, what one person loves, another doesn’t care for at all.
I was my full height (5′ 8.5″ in 8th grade) and I also remember slouching. It was embarrassing to me to be taller than almost all the boys. I was never busty, but I do also remember being embarrassed wearing a bra starting in 5th grade. I wore my windbreaker jacket all day because I was worried someone would notice my bra straps through my shirt. Ugh! How ridiculous was that?
Hahaha that too – I often forget the entire plot of a book, sometimes almost immediately!
The bra straps thing – ME TOO!!!! Things were different back then, too, boys would “snap” your bra and they would never be reprimanded for it.
That is the best problem to have—-too much fresh anything, especially ‘maters!
Nicole, if only we could travel back into time and tell ourselves IT’S ALL GONNA BE OK! I was the opposite of you in my teens, I was UNDER developed, small, thin, short, you name it. Oh, how I wanted to be as tall as my peers. To have boobs like my friends. *sigh* they finally arrived around age 20, if you can believe that. My Mom, she had boobs at fourteen and was like you, trying to cover herself so she didn’t get the male attention. I wonder, is there ONE girl on this planet who was happy and confident with herself at that time? Probably not.
Anyhoo, it’s taken me until around 53, 54 to stop worrying about all of it. To stop worrying about FOOD. Oh, the guilt to enjoy something delicious. WTH? Now, I can’t engage in any of that conversation with people who are younger than I, while still in the throes of food guilt.
I get it with all the sad books, ughhh, we need departure from stress, let’s have some fun!
Suz, you’re right – every woman goes through this, I think! We are too tall, too small, too whatever…
I feel like I spent so much time worrying about food and I just won’t do it anymore. I totally understand!
My own reading lately has definitely seen some “Let’s not overthink this” and it’s working for me! Lovely, lovely distractions, who needs plausible as long as it’s enjoyable? Not this reader.
Hahahah I get this so much! Cheerful stories about unlikely friendships? SIGN ME UP!
“Until someone invents a time machine in which we can all hop on and hug our younger selves and reassure them that they are, truly, beautiful inside and out, why don’t we all do something radical and accept our truly beautiful selves as they are right now. Why don’t we all accept that our bodies are going to change as we journey throughout this life, and acknowledge that for the precious privilege that it is.”
THIS.
When you live under the assumption practically your whole life that you’re just not thin enough or pretty enough, it continues to inform your adult perception of yourself. It’s a lifestyle. And it’s hard to break free and fully embrace your own beauty and value.
You start being unable to recognize yourself in photos or in store windows. You lose a sense of what you even look like in real life.
I do think that young women now are far better at body positivity, thank goodness.
You bring up such an interesting point. An older lady in my life who shall remain anonymous once told me she saw a photo and thought “who is that frumpy old woman?” AND IT WAS HERSELF. I had so many different emotions when she told me that story but the biggest one was sadness that she spoke so meanly about herself, and also I understood how sometimes it’s hard to recognize ourselves when the reflection doesn’t match the interior, you know? Sometimes I see a photo of myself and I will notice something immediately that I don’t like – I have to remember that when people look at us, they see the WHOLE us.
Anyway, you are so right – it can be so hard to break free and embrace ourselves. It’s a lot of unlearning.
Book recommendations are so nerve wracking! I get a lot of questions with criteria attached, like “I want a book told in first person, historical fiction, female main character – no sexual violence or pregnancy.” Like…I don’t note all those thing down when I’m reading a book, you know?
You know how I deal with body issues? By not even reading when thoughtful people talk about it. Sorry, but I’m out on this conversation!
Fair enough, Engie, I’ll catch you on the next convo!
I audiobooked Lenni and Margot and the readers’ accents made it all the more charming. Highly recommend.
Oooh I love a good accent!
I love your maitri, so perfect and I feel it radiates outwards into your interactions, interpretations, and outlooks.
Congratulations of DNF-ing, Nicole! And what sweet reads–I like the in-laws ganging up story. I wish I could recreate that for myself…
It was a pretty cute read, Maya, just perfect for a light weekend read.
I think that the meanest people are the unhappiest, and so if we could all strive to be loving and kind to ourselves, what a nicer world we would live in!
Oh, such a great topic, Nicole! I’ve been enjoying the comments, too.
I think I need that book. I’m mostly fine with my body, but definitely not relaxed about it. I still weigh myself every day, which probably says it all. For me, staying fit and healthy is the real priority.
Aging, on the other hand, does NOT worry me much. I’m 57 now and curious what I’ll do when my hair gets more grey. Right now, I’m leaning toward just letting it happen and embracing the “graceful aging” path. We’ll see!
I am also committed to being fit and healthy – I want to be mobile and limber for life! But I don’t want to weigh myself.
I wouldn’t say aging worries me, exactly, but I will say I spend a lot of money on skincare, makeup, and hair products. Also I am 100% grey/ white and I colour my hair monthly so…you know…it’s a journey!
You recommended Your Body, Your Best Friend to me, and it was such a meaningful read. I didn’t love myself or my body for most of my life, and if I’m being honest, I’m still on that journey. There’s so much body hatred in our society, in the media, and even in the families we grew up in. It feels comforting to see that, slowly but surely, our generation is starting to heal some of that.
KARI! I am SO glad it was meaningful for you. I have never had such a transformative book – and it’s so easy to read, and so enthusiastic. So many exclamation marks! I think it’s a journey for all of us, it takes a while to unlearn lifelong lessons.
Yes, that book was a game-changer for me too. I agree that going through menopause is a lot like puberty! Moods, pimples, and sweat! I’m very happy to be through it now. And you’re right, we can’t go back to hug our teenage selves, but we can love ourselves now. That’s beautiful. By the way, I LOVED the photos in this post! I laughed out loud at the personal growth section – what a hilarious photo. That’s one of my favorite movies.
MICHELLE YOU ARE HERE HIIIIIIIIIIII
WHMS is my number one favourite movie – no notes! It is a perfect film. Everything about it is wonderful but especially “someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.”
I love the thought of just loving ourselves now since we don’t have time machines to give our teen selves some love. xo
You know I’m all about the WHMS memes! Bring it on!!! Taking note of Body/Best Friends and Abigail and Alexa.
Speaking of recommendations, when I “met” Kyria I sampled her reading page which took me to These Silent Woods and 100 Years of Lenni and Margot, so whenever I hear about either of those books it reminds me of her and a successful book hookup. It is just a little awkward to recommend books to “civilians”. I’ve gotten spoiled by the bloggy book world.
Yes! I know most bloggers’ taste just from their posts, but I’m always nervous to recommend to other people unless they say “I really loved x book” and then I can go from there.
I had the shirt Sally is wearing while eating! I loved that shirt!
I also am taking note of Your Body, Your Best Friend. Looks like my library doesn’t have a copy either, but I can buy the ebook directly from the publisher, so maybe I’ll look into that. Or maybe I want a paper copy so I can pass it around.
I was in Portland a couple of years ago for my stepmom’s partner’s funeral, and my niece was doing that hunched over thing, and I just ached for her, I knew just what it was. She pulled her arms up when being hugged, so the hugger wouldn’t notice she had breasts. I did the same thing. SIGH. HOWEVER, when we went back last month, she seemed much more comfortable in her skin, and was standing tall. I was so happy to see that.
You had that shirt??? Amazing!
Awww, that gave me a total memory – I did the same thing! xo
I think the high point of my relationship with my body was during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I was just so impressed with it for making and feeding people.
The only thing we have in bewildering abundance in the garden is basil. We have SO MUCH basil. A couple batches of pesto haven’t put a dent in it. It’s been our best year for cucumbers in quite a while, too, but we have a nice amount, not so many I am wondering where to put them all.
Oh Steph, I too loved being pregnant! It was so incredible to me. Every change in my body, I was amazed by it. It was just thrilling – luckily I was never sick or anything, I just gloried in being pregnant!
Recommending books is hard. I would recommend a book to my sister and I always buy books for the girls for their Christmas present. They have very different taste, but I overlap with both of them.
I was the opposite of you, later developing, a couple of inches shorter than you and skinny. At one stage, when I was at uni and clubbing three nights a week, I asked a nutritionist how to put on weight (I was actually seeing her for food intolerance), and she just said to eat more. Once I stopped the hours of dancing three times a week, I could hold a normal weight. Most of my adult life, I ate whatever I wanted with absolutely not a care in the world, so the weight gain due to peri-menopause has come as a shock to me. I’ve always eaten pretty healthily, but not watched the amount or scrimped on the sweets. Now I have upped my focus on protein, fruit and veggies in the last couple of years, cut down on the sweets (a lot easier now that I’m not baking lunch treats for the kids), most importantly because I want to be healthier for the long haul. I want to be running and hiking well into my old age. I would love to lose a few kilos so I don’t have to carry them around the race course with me, but am I going to miss out on fun eating—not likely. I generally aim for 80% of ideal and am happy with that.
I think 80% of ideal is a perfect plan, Melissa! I am with you – we are in it for the long haul and I want to be as nimble and limber as possible for as long as possible!
It is so hard to get used to being in your own skin, and being happy with it! I started my period at age 12 I think, but I never got boobs! However, I had friends who had huge breasts in 7th grade and they got made fun of by the boys, and one of them even had back issues from them! I mean, as if puberty is not already hard enough. I grew up in the baggy pants/flannel era, and wore lots of loose clothing! In fact, I would even wear a t-shirt while swimming for a while, as I did not want people to see my body. However, in my case I think it was more that I had no boobs, a fact which I was embarrassed of!
I think that exercising has helped me be more happy with myself, as it has allowed me to think how glad I am that I have strong legs that can carry me for miles, rather than worrying that I have thick thighs. However, I still get a bit of resentment if someone says certain things (my parent’s neighbor once told me that it looked like I had “eaten a lot of good meals” on my last trip).
It’s hard to be a girl and a woman! It feels like we have messages on all sides – too flat, too curvy, too everything. It’s just never ending!
Interesting post, Nicole!. I’m very interested in your thesis this week. Long ago, when I was finishing high school and beginning university, my mental health took a negative turn. I luckily had a cognitive behavioural therapist who introduced me to ancient Greek concepts around the mind-spirit-body connection (through Edith Hamilton’s The Greek Way) and a mentor who introduced me to the concepts of samsara and loving-kindness (through Pema Chodron). I did away with weighing then and there, and also began to work on loving myself in some way, every day and in particular every time I saw myself. It is a challenge, I never have been able to handle seeing photos of myself, and some months/years I’m better at taking care of my whole being than others. But I think that these early influences have made the journey much more joyful and given me the ability to find things I can do to care for myself, even when I feel my worst.
Tamara, I am SO glad you discovered that learning at such a young age. I wish we all could! It’s a journey for all of us, for sure, but so important to practice loving-kindness and self care. xo
I went to Amazon and ordered the Body book right away. I know I’m so hard on myself and it probably stems from my junior high days – kids were so mean! I’m glad they’ve changed. The other books sound good too and as always thank you sharing!!
Anna, I think this will resonate with you deeply both as a woman and as a student of yoga!
I could talk body image all the live-long day. It is SO HARD – I gained weight when I hit puberty but I did not get taller. I was pretty average in height up until middle school when everyone got taller, and I stayed my same height and just gained weight. It was really hard, and I struggled so much. I still do, but I’m much better at appreciating the body I have now and wanting it to be around for a long, long time – no matter how many curves or rolls it may have! I haven’t hit perimenopause and I’m sure that will throw me for another loop to get through. I need to read this book, though!
Stephany, middle school and puberty is so hard! I think it’s kind of awful for everyone. I love that you are appreciating your body and doing things to keep it going – hello HIIT class!!! You’re doing great!
I actually thought about this post off and on for a couple of days before commenting. At first I thought that I wasn’t that hard on myself with body image. Then I realized that when I look at myself I always zero in on the one thing I don’t like. I spent 3 decades thinking I should lose 5-10 lbs (no one else would ever have thought that). Then I lost that weight as I aged, not on purpose, and now I think I’m too thin and wrinkly lol. I LOVED being pregnant and had 4 super easy pregnancies and deliveries, so that was prob the time I was happiest with my body. I think I need to check this book out!
Pat, I also loved being pregnant and it sure helped that I was never sick and I had pretty quick labours.
I feel like it’s easy to zero in on what we don’t like – in every arena! I mean, I still think about a few really mean blog comments that I got probably ten years ago!
Stop, your eyebrows are fine (hee hee – too soon?)
I have become much more circumspect about recommending books, partly because I don’t want to be responsible for a time investment someone doesn’t enjoy and because, with a few books, if someone I love doesn’t like them I feel like our relationship has been a tiny bit damaged – I know it’s not rational, but here we are.
I don’t even know what to say about the other stuff – it’s exhausting. I don’t know if I agree that we have to be able to practice loving-kindness fully with ourselves to be able to practice it with the world. I feel like we are always hardest on ourselves. I felt like I was overweight when I was not overweight, so now — well, you can imagine.
I don’t feel relationships have been damaged, exactly, but I do feel like if someone hates my favourite book, well, I guess I feel hurt? I need to get over that. I mean, there are plenty of books I don’t like! And also I didn’t WRITE the book so why am I so invested in what someone else thinks? So I don’t really recommend many things anymore unless I really know their taste.
Menopause is a WILD RIDE. My goodness. Dorothy is an itty bitty 7th grader who WANTS to be tall and wearing a bra like her peers, so I think body dissatisfaction knows no bounds. I took her shopping yesterday, and she was demoralized that 000 short jeans were way too big (but kid jeans are way too babyish). Girlhood is rough. (I was a newly skinny 7th grader who delighted in my size 24 Guess jeans and mall bangs but also weighed myself daly and didn’t eat if I weighed more than 95 pounds, so clearly that sucked as well).
I feel like this proves the point that ALL girls and women feel inadequate in their own bodies, this stupid patriarchal society!!!
Oh Nicole, I love this so much. I remember hating a photo of myself in the early 2000s and my mom saying something like, “Hold onto it, even if you hate it now. At some point, you will love how you look in it.” Spoiler alert: she was RIGHT. It is so easy, now, to look back on my younger self with tenderness. She was so self-critical! She wasted so much time hating things that didn’t deserve it! Well. Not that I’ve evolved completely away from self-criticism, but it is somewhat easier to be kind to myself these days. Why does such a lesson take so very long to absorb? I hope that the current trend toward (slightly) more body positivity means that my own kid can be less self-critical of her body. I’m trying to pass on the ideas of “fuel and fitness” rather than “dieting and weight loss” to her, and I hope I’m doing an okay job.
I feel this comment SO much, Suzanne! So much time wasted! Well, I guess it’s a journey and an evolution but still!
One of the greatest mysteries of being alive that the mind ALWAYS seems to be about a decade or so behind the body… it would be nice if some of the things we realize later would be apparent at the moment they’re happening. Sigh. Great book recommendation, Nicole. I agree that most recommendations are hit and miss (goes both ways).
That is such a smart comment – the mind DOES seem to be behind the body! I wish I had learned a lot of lessons sooner.