Hello Darkness My Old Friend
In grad school I was friends with a guy who always, after summer solstice, would remark that it was now all downhill from here until December, light-wise. It’s darker every day! he would say cheerfully, which I have thought of, with amusement, every single year since then. Probably people who get up at more socially-acceptable hours wouldn’t notice, but I get up at 4:00 am, and three weeks ago the sky was lightening up at that hour. Now, it’s completely dark until nearly 5:00. It’s the slow downhill trajectory of daylight.
Slow Bike To Nowhere
Speaking of downhill trajectories, I have noticed another one. Saturday marked the five year anniversary of the outcome of that time I mused that a Peloton seemed like a good idea, except we have no room, and it’s expensive. My husband, dealing with Pandemic Nicole, was like hold my beer.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to bore us all with my workout details, but I do want to note that the main metric for Peloton is “output,” which is a combination of speed and resistance, and is a completely objective number. I seem to have peaked, output-wise, in 2022 and, no matter how hard I try, I can never get anywhere close to those numbers. I truly enjoy my Peloton and use it almost daily, exerting myself to my absolute maximum, and yet no matter what I do, no matter how hard I work and how sweaty and breathless I get, my output is getting lower over time.
A Younger Me would have found this devastating, and even Current Me is slightly disheartened by my lack of progress, if we are measuring progress by a number generated on a bike that goes nowhere. Which, well, we shouldn’t. I am happy with my level of functional fitness generally: I can zip briskly up and down stairs and hills without getting out of breath or experiencing knee or hip pain, I can lift and carry moderately heavy things, I spend hours a week in the garden, bending and squatting and digging and twisting with zero issues. My VO2 max is in the 40s and my resting heart rate is in the 50s, and it is all of these things that are of significance. And yet.
It feels similar to my various creams and lotions and serums. None of them are actually making me look younger, but they make me feel better. I have an aging body – thankfully! The alternative is becoming compost, and I’m not ready for that yet! – and so I think it’s unreasonable to expect that it would perform in the same way that it did before I was deep in late perimenopause. Nothing can stop the forward march of time, after all. But that downward trajectory! It’s hard on the ego.
I think the universe is reminding me to practice non-attachment. I love the feeling of sweatiness and exhilaration from a workout, and so who cares what a number on a stationary bike says, no matter how fancy that bike is. The point is to keep showing up and to enjoy the journey, because the end result is the same: tree nourishment.
Fly High Free Bird
The other day I was Mrs Elton-ing in the berry patch when I heard a strange noise. On further investigation, I saw that there was a small bird caught in the netting on our strawberries. I have no idea, logistically, how that could have happened, and as I tried to figure out where the bird got in, with the hopes that if I found an opening it could go back out that way, the bird became more and more agitated. The more I tried to help the worse it got, to the point where its little head and a wing were now firmly stuck in the netting.
I could not have another dead bird on my hands, I just couldn’t. I ran to the house for backup, and moments later my husband came down to the garden armed with work gloves, scissors, and a general air of grim determination. Probably he was thinking that he could not deal with ME having another dead bird on our hands.
The bird kept flapping frantically until my husband picked it up and held it, at which point it immediately went still and calm, but for a darting eye. Either the bird was a high-level Zen practitioner who embodied surrender and acceptance and was not going to Struggle Against The Flow, or it had some kind of natural trauma response, in the Playing Dead method. I say yes to this experience, the bird might have said to me telepathically, in the spirit of Radical Acceptance, had I known to listen.
It took several tense minutes of net snipping while I stood around uselessly wringing my own gloved hands, but the moment the little bird was freed and flew away unharmed was one of the single greatest moments of this entire year and made me fall in love with my husband all over again. Unfortunately, that moment was somewhat ruined when not two minutes later, my mother-in-law walked over to the garden to let me know that earlier that morning, she had found a dead bird by the shed, and had disposed of it before Rex was able to get to it.
Weekly Reading
So Late In The Day. I loved this triptych of stories about relationships: a man jilted at the altar, a woman at a writing retreat encountering a bitter stranger, a married woman looking for an affair who ends up in a bad way. This author is so brilliant at evoking so much emotion and detail with such an economic use of words. I have loved all the books I’ve read of hers, but this might be my favourite.
How To Read A Book. Something I have thought about since watching The Shawshank Redemption, lo these many decades ago, is what happens to people after they are released from prison? How do they find work, how do they find a place to live, how do they live among society again after being conditioned to prison routines? This very difficult topic is the subject of this very warm-hearted and sweet book: Violet is released early from prison for good behaviour, and adapts to life on the “outside,” even though her family will have nothing to do with her. This is a 3-way POV novel that includes the woman who runs the prison Book Club, and the man who was widowed because of Violet’s drunk driving that landed her in prison in the first place. There were some little twists but it’s pretty clear how things will turn out in the end. I didn’t love this but it was a cute and ultimately satisfying read.
Orbital. One of my best memories of the kids’ elementary school days was a particular Music Monday in May 2013, when the children gathered on the hill behind the school to perform Is Somebody Singing, the song made famous by (Canadian!) Commander Chris Hadfield on the International Space Station. That was a magical time, when Cmdr Hadfield posted photos and videos from space to Twitter. Remember when Twitter wasn’t a cesspool of brutality and horror? My friend Florence (HI FLORENCE) and I sat together to watch the children, and we teared up together at the words There goes home. To this day I still tear up, thinking of that day, all the children singing the same song at the same time all across Canada. So sing your song, I’m listening…I can hear your voices bouncing off the moon. Anyway, even with all that emotion, I would have NEVER picked up this book had it not been for my friend Laura (HI LAURA), who pushed past my Is it about space? No thanks., and assured me I would like it. I did! It really reminded me of 2013, in the best way possible. If you’re a person who likes a thick plot, this isn’t that – there is no plot at all, just beautiful prose about our world.
One of the last lines in Desiderata is With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world, and I think about that nearly every day. It is a beautiful world, despite, you know, everything, and I hope that you all have a beautiful week. xo
Oh good lord. READ THE ROOM, MIL.
This post is a delight. I love the bird thinking “I say yes to this experience.” I love this: “The point is to keep showing up and to enjoy the journey, because the end result is the same: tree nourishment.” And I relate so deeply to how the downward trajectory is hard on the ego.
On the topic of the lotions and potions, I saw an Instagram video (did you send it to me? if so, lol) that was basically a guy saying, basically, “No matter what you do, you can’t make yourself look younger. Even plastic surgery, you will not look younger, you will look like a person your age who has had plastic surgery. You can be HOT, but you’ll still be whatever age you are.” I loved that so much and I am trying to carry that with me. Younger cannot be the goal, but HOT can be. Like “increased output” cannot be the goal, but FIT can be. Sometimes those little shifts in perspective help more than they should.
“You will look like a person your age who has had plastic surgery” – OMG YES THIS!!! I am here for this reframe! Hot! Fit! YES!!!
Second consecutive week of R being the hero. (I’ve already erased MIL’s input, and that of your grad school friend… la-la-la.)
Bounding Rex is beautiful, your garden is glorious, your memories of the children’s lives are so touching, and this week’s books are going on my list!
Yes, yes, yes… it is still a beautiful world <3
Thanks so much Maya! Yes, R was the hero in that story for sure! I had heart eyes for days.
**whomp whomp MIL**
Oooh I think the output metric would really get under my skin. I like the reframe above. I also adore my early mornings, but I want to not waste time, and sometimes I feel ike I am waking up eary to get stuck in the scroll.
It IS a bit annoying – and I guess I could “hide” the output, but you know I’m never going to do that. Plus, if I’m not on the leaderboard, how will I see names like Therapistdad or whatnot?
We’ve had birds get caught in our garden netting, too. Not this year, thankfully. Sometimes if you step back, they panic less and figure out how to get out themselves. But sometimes you have to intervene. Yah for Rob.
We recently had a bird caught between the kitchen window and the screen and we still haven’t figured out how it got in there, but when we removed the screen, it flew outside. Willow was watching that window very carefully for the next few days, in hopes of repeat engagement.
Oh my god, Steph! I didn’t think that was a thing that could happen. Lol Willow! Hope will now spring eternal, if she’s anything like Rex (if something happens once he thinks it’s going to happen forever).
I hate to be “that person” but yes it really bugs me that as soon as we get past the summer solstice the early daylight gets noticeably later. Should I be grateful that it still gets light a bit before 6 here? Yes but also I want every minute of early morning daylight that I can get. I don’t care if it’s still light after 9:00 at night, since I’m not up to much at that hour, I just want my morning daylight.
Enough people who I trust have said that How to Read a Book is All That, so it’s going on the TBR.
Oh I totally agree, I am never up late so I am all about the morning light!
I didn’t love that book – but it was nice!
I never knew how you came to get a Peloton bike, but enjoy knowing your story. I’ve never been motivated by numbers in any area of my life so I guess I’ve been practicing non-attachment and didn’t know it. I noticed last night how it was darker a little earlier and sighed. So it goes, back into darkness we glide.
Lolololol on your unwitting non-attachment practice! That made me laugh, Ally.
Good job to your husband for saving and releasing that bird!!
Your output score is kind of akin to my running pace. I am so much slower than I was pre-kids, or even last summer. I stopped using the Strava ap because I did not want other people to see my pace which is really quite stupid but still. I don’t really watch my pace anymore or try to achieve a certain pace because what does it even matter? Yes I would like to be faster and yet, I have very little time to work on such a goal. Sometimes I’ll get into a discussion about workouts with a friend and they’ll say – wow, you ran 6 miles??? And I reminded that running 6 miles is in itself admirable, regardless of the pace. I often want to reach back in time and shake younger Lisa and tell her to appreciate the body she has/the things she can do.
I love that 2nd to last picture of Rex! He looks so full of joy in that photo!!
Right? Well, we can’t change the past so going forward let’s congratulate ourselves on everything we can do!
I am also grumpy about the declining sunlight hours, I have to admit. It’s not so bad RIGHT NOW, but it another month I will be desperately SAD lamping it and thinking the world must certainly come to an end soon. Seasonal depression is no joke and I’m already dreading it. *sigh*
One of the main reasons I do not track anything about my workouts is time is because I honestly don’t want to know. I don’t want to know my resting heartrate or my VO2 max or whatever. I just want to know that I can carry the litter up from the basement, crawl around on the floor to get the toy out from under the fridge, and walk the dog without any issues. Time is the only metric that matters to me. (Also, I do not have a Peloton or a smart phone or anything like that, so this is easy for me to do.)
Wait wait wait, back up. You don’t have a smart phone at all? Do you have a flip phone? I must know more!
Oh, geez. Of course I have a smart phone. I meant smart *watch.* I feel like I honestly could not be employed in the year 2025 without a smart phone. Sorry! I feel like I lied.
Not a lie! Just a mistype! Also, whew. I imagined you with a flip phone for a minute!
I’m another person who thinks it’s “all downhill towards winter” after the summer solstice. I love my light. I’m happy your bird was set free. We’ve had a few chipmunks get caught in our netting that protects our hydrangea from deer. And they can get quite distraught, so I let hubby handle the cutting of the net because I’m worried about being bitten!
Oooh yes, chipmunks can be bitey – good call!
Nicole, I am totally with you in Camp Accept Your Aging Body. Also, is it possible that something about your Peloton has shifted over time? Like, maybe you are putting forth the same amount of output but the machinery is less optimally lubricated these days and so some of your output is not being captured?
You know what, Jamie, that never occurred to me for even a second! Maybe it’s not me! Or maybe it’s not totally me.
You know what’s refreshing — reading “I have an aging body — thankfully!” That is so good to hear someone say. I hear and read SO MANY negative comments about aging, and we are so lucky to age. Thank you for that.
Also, I just noticed this summer that it gets light out (here) at 4:30 a.m., thanks to my bird camera. That’s when the earliest bird gets to our feeder, and it is indeed light at that time.
I’m sorry about your dead bird experiences. We had two dead birds earlier this spring, and it broke my heart a little. I worried that maybe we were doing something wrong, but unfortunately, it’s just nature — these things happen. BUT, I’ve been noticing that birds have been hitting our windows a lot this year. I’ve been researching it, and I think we need to put something on our windows so they don’t think they can fly straight through.
Your quote from the Desiderata reminds me of a quote I found on a piece of art right around the time my dad was diagnosed with cancer. It said “everything isn’t terrible.” Sometimes we need a reminder, don’t we?
Thanks Kari! I mean, I don’t want to be dead. This is the alternative to aging! So why not embrace it!
It’s true – the birds just die sometimes, they are also not invincible. It’s still sad though!
I also am aware of the shortening days but never thought of it as “all downhill”. We are just back from The Yukon & Alaska – I loved the 20 hours of daylight but definitely could not deal with the 3 hour days in winter. I love your attitude about aging, but sure hear your ongoing struggles. I hate to tell you but you will likely be feeling the same conflicts in 20 years (as I am). I’m very happy to be a fit active person fast approaching a new decade but you can’t help but notice the slowing down, wrinkles, age spots and all the rest.
I often think about the Arctic communities and how hard it would be in the winter! Imagine! Yikes.
I’ve always been told that after July 4th, the summer is all downhill. It does seem to be true in the sense that it kind of flies by between now and when school starts without a holiday in sight. It’s depressing though! I feel your pain on the numbers…I run slower, my calorie burn is less on my workouts, my heartrate doesn’t get up as high in a class, etc. But we are still giving it our best effort, and much like the kid who tries really hard but can only get a C, we can’t get mad at ourselves! I’ve toyed with the idea of taking off my apple watch and just not paying attention to the details, but wow would my wrist feel naked!
Hahaha my wrist would also feel naked! I wear my Garmin all the time except for showers, and it would feel so weird NOT to have it on. In Canada, kids go to school until late June so the beginning of July feels like just the start of summer!
My dad says the exact same cheerful comment every summer solstice. “From now on, the days will get shorter.” Thanks, Dad!
I was in Cape Town on 21 June, so it was the shortest day for us. Coming to Zurich a few days later was like “yay, so much daylight!!”.
I fully relate to your downhill Peloton experience. As an ageing runner, I’m always comparing current times to past ones. I’m 57 now, and yes, I’m a few minutes slower than I was in my 40s, but thankfully races have age groups! I still enjoy competing and chasing the top spots in the 50 – 59 category.
Cape Town to Zurich would be a wild transition at that time of year! So much light!
And yes – that is why races have age groups! It evens things out!
I know what you mean about the downhill trajectory being hard on the ego. On the tennis court, I can’t help thinking ‘ a few years ago I would have got to that ball.’ But I’m grateful my body still allows me to play tennis. And then, of course, there’s always pickleball!
You’re right Pearl! We can still do the things! They just look different as we age!
Oh, and Nicole! A has owned and killed three Pelotons, and says each calibrated his output slightly differently. His first one overestimated him and put him at a faster pace than Usain Bolt, who was leading a class one time! So maybe it’s not infallible? (I don’t have a fitness watch even, so what do I know…)
He’s killed three Pelotons? How did he do that? I mean, I’m impressed at his Usain Bolt speed but…wow!
Nicole, this was profound! I love your attitude about aging and living and to keep showing up to enjoy the journey. I have seen a lot of decline in my body and physical abilities over the last few years, and it’s rough! I have grieved at losing the young, fit, trim, beautiful girl that I was. I’ve also learned that it’s a lot more pleasant to focus on the things I can do and treat myself as kindly as I can.
I’m one of those weird-os who loves seeing the days get shorter. I love autumn so much, and I see this time of year as the lead-in to pure bliss!
Oh, that photo of Rex is PURE JOY! He knows how to live!
Michelle, I think it’s really healthy to mourn our former selves. After all, they are a part of us! So I totally get it. We do need to treat ourselves kindly – we deserve all the good things!
I’m so happy for you and your autumn love!
We had our own Dead Bird Saga this week, and I know, I know, Nature Red in Tooth and Claw and all, but I do not like it when the birdies die. Eve most especially didn’t like it.
It is a beautiful world, even when my underboob sweat could irrigate your zucchini garden.
Awww! Poor birdie!!!
I love that you mentioned Chris Hadfield… I was just watching that video with my daughter leading up to my LONG-AWAITED meet & greet with Barenaked Ladies this past Saturday. I have a BNL tattoo and yet as we stood and chatted with them while getting our picture taken Ed PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME and I lost all brain. Didn’t even show him. I thought you would appreciate that moment of doofiness.
Seeing them again next week in Syracuse with my little girl!
OH MY GOD!!!! I do appreciate it! “They called me Eddie.” Love the Barenaked Ladies – I have such affection for them as Gordon came out when I was in high school and I have such good memories of it!
Chris Hadfield is a hero!
I LOVED ORBITAL SO MUCH. LOVED. I also am not a space book type person, but wow this was lovely, and I thought to myself more than once, ‘I’ll bet Nicole would love this book’, and look, you did!
That downward trajectory thing is real and I don’t like it, but I do like knowing that I am stronger than I was a few months ago, even if I’m not stronger than I was a few years ago. And being able to do all of the things I want to do is nothing to sneeze at. I was diagnosed with RA 10 years ago, and I take nothing for granted since then, since at the time turning a doorknob or brushing my hair was SO PAINFUL.
I did like it, J! I’m glad my friend talked me into it because my initial reaction was NO WAY.
You poor thing! RA sounds so dreadful! I’m glad you’re not in pain now.
Love your zen bird story! One of my colleagues recently recommended the Merlin Bird ID app, which identifies the birds you hear around you. I love it so much! I set my phone on my bedroom windowsill and let the app listen. So far (I’m in N California) I’ve heard red-shouldered hawks (I think there’s a nest across the canyon), Steller’s Jay, and both California and spotted towhees. It’s silly how much joy this brings to my mornings!
Ooooh! Angela! That sounds like so much fun and I might just try it myself! There are so many birds around here and I’d love to get to “know” them better! It sounds very joyful!
In running, they have a metric called age grade percentage, which adjusts your performance for your age. So if I’m going to make a goal, it would be to keep that the same or better. Also, if you’re trying to get a qualifier for a race that has good-for-age times, then people look forward to moving from one age group to the next, as you have your best chance when you first hit the age group, which is five-year blocks. But still, functional movement ability is the most important thing to aim for.
I just finished reading Julie’s review of Orbital and put it on my TBR. Can I just say also, that photo of Rex is so joyful. Love it!
Hmm, maybe I should figure out an age grade percentage for Peloton! I find that comforting, actually!
That has to be frustrating to not hit your previous best output number even with all of the work you’re putting in! Yes, the goal is to be able to work out in a way that feels good to us and allows us to do all the things we want to do (aka, garden!), but oof. The results are so motivating! Side note: the spin classes at my gym are so poorly attended and my spin instructor on Tuesdays is always railing against Peloton. It’s kinda annoying, lol. Like, I get that there’s less need for spin instructors since everyone’s using Peloton, but there are still usually 10-15 people in every class, and it’s kinda nice not to have to fight for a bike on my spin days!
I just started How to Read a Book today! I’m hesitant because storylines involving prison are triggering for me, but I’m trying to power through.
Stephany! For years pre-2020 I went to spin classes and I loved them so much. I remember saying to my husband circa 2019 “Who would get a Peloton? It’s so dumb! A spin class should be with people!” Fast forward and, as usual for anything I’ve judged in my life, it came back to bite me. I haven’t been to a spin class since! But I love just going down there early morning and choosing a ride based on the playlist and format I want. 10-15 people is still a good size class!
It’s all downhill?!! Hahaha. I like to think of it as it’s still light really early! Yay. I flew into the Baltics and my flight landed at 4 am and as we were coming in we watched the sunrise. It was probably around 3:30! It also stays light until past 11. Good times. Luckily I have no issues sleeping in the light.
The output thing on the pelotón would be annoying. I have been trying to get back into running but o don’t even look at my numbers because I know I am not nearly as strong or as fast as I was. I will look at them when I get more consistent and then go from there!
At my parents’ place – two hours north of Calgary – the light is significantly different, especially in June! It’s light until around 10:30 or so at that time of year, and sunrise very early. I think you just get used to it!
Oh Nicole, there is so much to respond to here. First off I had a very similar experience with a bird in a wood some years ago- the relief when it was freed was so strong. Also: it is a change (though I used to roll my eyes at the term) and grace is the best gift you can give yourself in the midst. Finally: I refer to it as the descent into darkness (no overdramatic tendencies in me at all hahaha)!
THE CHANGE! Sometimes I say that to myself in an old-lady voice “I’m going through the change.” But it is a change, and things change because of the change!
DESCENT INTO DARKNESS! This cracks me up!
Great post as always, Nicole! Yes to everything- the downward trajectory (sigh), rescuing the zen bird, and the photo of Rex (yes, that’s a way to convince us that the world is, indeed, beautiful). I’m very intrigued by the Claire Keegan book- all three of those stories sound interesting. Now I’m debating whether I want to read How to Read a Book- I like the premise but I’m wondering if it’s a little too cute for me? We’ll see.
I’m thinking it’s going to be a bit cute for you, Jenny, since you like murder and all those fantasy-type books – but you know what, it’s not going to take you long to read so why not give it a go?
WHAT THE HELL MIL!?
I was all smiles about your husband, and you, the bird saviors, until she yanked the damn rug out from under me.
I’ll never forgive her for this.
Never.
I think your Peloton is just getting tired. It’s not you, you wore the poor thing out.
That being said, I applaud you and your Peloton dedication! To me, it seems dreadful. I’d rather have a Pap smear by my dentist.
But, go YOU!
🤣
Lololol on both counts! I mean, I *am* glad that Rex didn’t find the bird first, so that’s something.
Maybe the Peloton IS getting tired. I never thought of that. Or maybe I’m getting tired?
I definitely appreciate the perspective of “aging sure beats the alternative!” because it’s so true! (you know who doesn’t have an aging body? The dead birds!! 🙁 ) I also had never thought about the plastic surgery comment before, that you still look your age, just with plastic surgery. hahaha. I was looking through old photos the other day from when I was about ~20 or 21 and it’s like, dang! In my head I don’t feel like I look “that” different but when you really put them side by side, there is definitely a noticeable difference!! I looked so… FRESH! And my skin was so smooth and perky and not an crinkle under my eyes… And then I thought, well, little 20 year old me hadn’t been through x2 pregnancies and child births, breastfeeding, years of limited and broken sleep with little kids, sick kids, etc, life stress, she hadn’t worked 16 hour hospital shifts on her feet caring for very sick people, or run a household…. so maybe I’ve put some miles on this body (and face) so far, but I guess that’s kind of the idea, isn’t it!
Lololol “the dead birds!” SO TRUE.
I know what you mean, I think it’s because we look at ourselves every day – so maybe we don’t notice the crinkles and wrinkles. I see it when I see photos though! But yes – we’ve put some miles on our bodies and that’s okay. Imagine being 80 and still looking 20? That would be so weird. So aging is great, really!
I am always delighted to see your name pop up on my Peloton saying that you’re working out, Nicole and I love that you love th Peloton as much as I do LOL and in regards to progress, might I suggest a Power Zone Challenge?
Yay for the little bird being freed! Your hubs is a hero 🙂
You know, I’ve never done a power zone! Maybe one of these days I will. I just love the music theme rides so much, I haven’t been tempted to stray!