I became a little bit obsessed with Hamilton in the summer of 2020. What can I say? It’s a pretty catchy soundtrack, and I had some time on my hands. The lyrics Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now became my mantra. Merely repeating those words in my head really helped centre and ground me over the subsequent months and years. While I was on one of my endless walks or runs, while I was in the garden or masking up to go to the grocery store, I would look at the world around me and repeat look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now.
I have always been very moved and motivated by music. Even from a child, I could be moved to tears by a lyric or a beautiful melody. I remember feeling my heart swelling while in church, as a very small child, singing How Great Thou Art. Although I don’t go to church anymore, I strongly believe in a higher power – as they say in Desiderata, …be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him (HER) to be – and I still can feel that swelling while thinking of that hymn.
Last March, I was on the Peloton when a song was played, one I hadn’t heard for a long time. That time period, March into April, was one of the most emotionally difficult of my life. I was drained, stressed, exhausted, and my heart was cracked such that I was unsure if I could ever come back, if I would ever feel like myself again. I constantly repeated to myself my longtime mantra, borrowed from Allison over a decade ago, There will be a time after this. (HI ALLISON). I knew there would be a time after, but I wasn’t sure what I would be like in that time after. I just didn’t know. Can I handle the seasons of my life? I didn’t know if I could.
The song in question was Unwritten, and the lyrics seemed to say everything to me.
I am unwritten
Can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned
Do you know the feeling when a piece of art or music just seems to see into your soul? Do you know what it’s like to encounter the absolutely perfect thing at the perfect time? That was this song, which I had long ago forgotten about.
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
I thought about all the times I had changed over the course of my lifetime. Ending unplanned indeed. A younger me would never even recognize the woman I am now, or even believe that it would be possible to be me, the way I am. When I was young, and dissatisfied with myself, I found the idea of change exciting and invigorating. Any kind of change, anything new was thrilling and the harbinger of great things to come: a new adventure, a new outfit, a new lipstick, a new school. Anything new was a fresh new start, a chance at a different kind of life. You might be thinking to yourself, that’s a tall order for a new lipstick, but maybe you don’t remember what it’s like to be that age, or the life-changing magic of Revlon’s Love That Red.
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Somewhere along the line in my life, change ceased to be exciting and invigorating, and instead became something exhausting and to be feared or avoided.
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
But listening to this song, I realized that I needed to change my thinking in order to deal with all the other changes in my life. My perspective was off. I was holding on so tightly to my idea of myself and my life that I couldn’t see the beauty of transformation. I couldn’t see the possibilities in front of me, I could only see losses. I couldn’t move past what was cracking my heart.
I break tradition
Sometimes my tries are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes
But I can’t live that way
Some people choose a word or a phrase in January that will set the tone for the year to come, but I don’t do that. I tend instead to grasp onto phrases or concepts whenever they come into my life, such as Friluftsliv, Embrace the Season, and Hygge, and then I keep them with me forever. Back in March 2023, look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now started to transform into live your life with arms wide open. What better way to live your life than with arms wide open; open to new experiences, new people, new ways to live. This became my theme for my year of change and continues to be my theme for my life now.
In my recent Ask Me Anything, Suzanne and Elisabeth both asked about Teenage Nicole (HI SUZANNE, HI ELISABETH) and what she was like. It’s hard to say, exactly, because Nicole at 13 was a very different person than Nicole at 16 or 19. The only similarities between these Nicoles would be that they all strived for good grades, played the piano, and loved books and music. I think the tween and young teen years are probably universally the worst in anyone’s life, particularly for girls. I was a very unhappy and emotional, and therefore difficult, young girl who spent a lot of time feeling unaccepted, unwanted, and unliked; those things were probably not true, at least not to the extent I thought they were, but that was my perception. I was highly negatively impacted by the diet and beauty industrial complex and was constantly dissatisfied by my appearance. I found a lot of solace in music, particularly the dreary and dark, and also in the line from Desiderata that hung on my grandma’s wall, the same Desiderata that hangs by my piano now: You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here. I remember reading that around age ten, and it meant so much to me then, sad little me; it means so much to me now.
But you can change your life, and I did. I remember the transformative feeling every summer of my teens, when I would decide what my fashion style would be for the coming school year, and with that fashion style, what would be my life. Was I working from the outside in, instead of the other way around? Yes, I was. But by the time I was sixteen, I had made many positive changes. I changed schools, I changed my clothes, I changed my friend group, I changed my after-school activities, and yes, I changed my lipstick, wearing Love That Red every day. Was it a bit much for 9:00 am math class? Probably. But a child of the universe does not back down when armed with transformative red lips.
And the point is, we can all make changes. We all have seasons in our lives that are more difficult, and I have so recently been through one of those. A lot of those changes were happening to me, but the biggest change I made was in my own mind, deciding to live my life with arms wide open, feeling the rain on my skin. Or snow.
Weekly Reading
Tom Lake. After months of having this book on hold, Santa brought me my very own copy. And I am so glad he did because I LOVED THIS BOOK. Oh god, I loved everything about this. This is a love story, and a warm cozy family story, it’s a tragedy and it’s an uplifting heartwarming story about the world. It is absolutely gorgeous. It made me want to have two sisters so we could braid our hair together, it made me wish I had worked in summer stock, it made me happy in every way. It concerns a story a mother is telling her daughters about her past – and isn’t that something? It’s something so ordinary and yet not, the life a woman has before her children are born, the life a woman has before the life she has, the adventures of youth and the coziness of middle age. I want to go back in time and experience this book newly, all over again. What a beautiful book.
The Beast Within. This is the second in the series about Disney villains, and it concerns the Beast. IS the Beast the villain? I guess so. Anyway, it’s his backstory, including a friendship with Gaston, and it’s okay. I didn’t like this that much but since I liked the Evil Queen book, I am going to continue with the series.
There is still no snow in town, and so my husband and I drove out to the mountains on Friday to try out our new cross-country skis; it was our first time on skis in 21 years, if you can believe it. Next up: learning to snowshoe! There are a few wintry days forecasted this week which will make it feel more like January. I hope you are all enjoying this start to the new year. xo
You write so beautifully and what you said was just what I needed to read. Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much Ali!
Oh, Nicole! I love your lovely, witty writing so much but am so sad that I was distracted by it and did not see your sadness and frustration last year. I’m glad that Bedingfield song helped you bring clarity to your situation. And I’m so glad that you are happy with where and who you are <3.
(And why do I suddenly remember that the oughts and the Bedingfields Daniel and Natasha–brother and sister–were Australian, etc. My mind is a trashcan!)
Wasn't Tom Lake magical?! The ease and quirky detail in the family's narration was just perfection!
Wait, I don’t even know Daniel Bedingfield – or do I? Must look that up, maybe I know but I don’t know, you know?
Also, Australian? There’s not even a hint of an accent, I had no idea.
IT WAS MAGICAL I LOVED IT SO MUCH!
Sorry–it’s New Zealand, not Australia (per Google)! I lived in England at the time, so it must have wormed its way into my head through the radio.
Ah! I see! Still, no accent in the singing at all!
I knew you were going through a lot of changes last year but didn’t realize how intense that process was for you. This post shows that you can go through hard thing and come out the other side stronger and better than before. I know this song but have never listened closely to the lyrics. Thanks you so much for sharing this… and, your snow photos look like a winter wonderland! Enjoy your skiing and snowshoeing.
Thanks Jenny! It was definitely a really difficult time for me, but here we are!
Love those pictures of snow. So peaceful.
You had such a hard, intense year filled with so many changes. Wear that lipstick loud and proud my friend <3
Sigh. Do I need to try Tom Lake again? It was a DNF for me. A DNF! Not just an "I didn't love it." But an "I felt so Meh about this book I didn't even finish reading it!" I feel left out of this party. Maybe I just didn't read it quickly enough? Maybe I need to listen to Meryl Streep narrate it. I know it shouldn't concern me so much but I feel like something is wrong with me for not being in rapture over this book. Gah!
I listened to the audiobook and although Meryl Streep is beyond perfect, I also DNF. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who bailed.
There are so many books that are popular/ loved that just don’t resonate for me too! But this one, I loved.
You know what, Elisabeth, maybe try again in like five years. Or not! Who can say, other than sometimes a book will be really unenjoyable to me and then I’ll find it later and it will hit just right. Or, vice versa! As I said to D, there are many books that are loved and popular that I just cannot stand! I don’t even want to say which ones for fear of being hit by rotten fruit or something, lol!
I promise I won’t ever throw rotten fruit your way! Books are so subjective; also, I think it is often “right time, right place” for things, too. Books resonate in a unique way for different people based on life circumstances.
Regardless of my angst on the topic, I’m so glad you loved the book <3
Oh, so much that! So much really depends where you are in your life journey!
Would you believe I’ve never heard a Hamilton song? I somehow missed out on that pop culture moment. I would like to see the musical but just haven’t made the time to go. That is so not Phil’s thing so I would have to go with a girlfriend most likely and they’ve all probably seen it. So I probably should just watch the recorded version that is on Disney+ or some other streaming service!
But all that said, I can understand the power of music! And we sound like we were incredibly similar as teens. I was a total outcast as I lived in a community where athleticism was more important than ANYTHING and I was NOT athletic. That is why I have very complicated feelings about kid activities. I do not want my kids to experience what I did. I will expose them to things but they will gain team building skills even if they aren’t on a sports team. Anyways, I’m getting off topic but I just completely and totally relate to teen Nicole.
I am so sorry that you had such a rough period of time last spring. I am glad you are on the other side of it. I’ve been through some ROUGH patches in my life and it’s awful when you are in the midst of them. 🙁
I am glad you loved Tom Lake. There are strong opinions about that book! I really enjoyed it but I didn’t LOVE it. I am not surprised that you loved it as the whole ‘joy of having everyone back under one roof’ theme is probably really resonates with you! I will say I have 2 sisters and there is ZERO chance of us braiding each others hair and it would not be super joyous for us 3 to be under one roof… not when we were younger and not really now? We are just SUCH DIFFERENT PEOPLE. I am very close to my little sister but not a “let’s build a family compound” close. 😉
You should definitely watch it on Disney+, that’s where I saw it and it’s really great. The music is so good, and so catchy. It’s probably the best soundtrack I can think of!
I’m sorry you had such a rough time as a teen. That sounds really difficult. xo
I haven’t seen or heard anything Hamilton. I should do something about that.
Yeech I would never want to go back to my pre-teen/teen years. There were some happy spots in there and I had my moments but overall it was such a dreary time. I think that I was born wanting to be an adult and the wait to get there was so frustrating.
I think I need to try Tom Lake. I think that I read and liked one of Patchett’s non fiction books awhile back but I’ve never been able to get into any of her fiction. All of the cool bloggers are raving about it tho, so this has to be the book.
Really, never any Hamilton? I think you’d love it. The music is, to quote Hamilton himself, top notch. It’s just so good!
I agree 100% – there were some happy spots in my pre-teen/ early teen years, but mostly it was not great, Bob.
Favorite parts:
“You might be thinking to yourself, that’s a tall order for a new lipstick, but maybe you don’t remember what it’s like to be that age, or the life-changing magic of Revlon’s Love That Red.” And the follow-up:
“and yes, I changed my lipstick, wearing Love That Red every day. Was it a bit much for 9:00 am math class? Probably. But a child of the universe does not back down when armed with transformative red lips.”
Thanks Swistle, never underestimate a red lip!
You’ve given us a very good message today: “You can change your life”, which is SO wonderful since there are times that this must happen.
I also didn’t realize how much stress/emotional baggage you were dealing with last year. I’m so happy you are on the other side of it and that you won’t ever need to visit again.
I love the song Unwritten, and I’ll probably always think of you when I hear it from now on.
Wasn’t Tom Lake wonderful? I loved that book from beginning to end. I did the Audio version which was narrated by Meryl Streep and she made it even better, in my opinion.
I just heard that Meryl Streep read it, I bet it was amazing.
Suz, I feel like you have also changed your life, given what you’ve written about before. It’s an important thing to remember that things aren’t forever – for good or bad!
Nicole. NICOLE. This post is exactly the kind of thing that makes me wish there were a Cult of Nicole because I would join immediately. I love this message and you write about it so beautifully and vividly. I love it, everything about it, and I want to soak it up and take it into my cells and believe it from inside my DNA. Maybe with time I can embrace life and change and positivity the way you do. In the meantime, I feel so lucky to be your friend so that I can at least walk in your glow.
Oh Suzanne, this is such a beautiful and kind comment, thank you. I am so lucky to have you in my life. xoxoxo
What a perfect motto. You are a big life change role model, and I am just so darn happy to have found your blog.
Thanks so much Sarah, I am so glad we have each other!
I’m sorry last year was hard for you (you did have a lot going on to be sure) and I’m glad things are looking up. I also keep looking back on this time last year (with a child in the middle of a psychiatric crisis) and thinking how far we’ve come.
Oh gosh, Steph, you have come so far. What a rough time that was for you.
What a relatable post! So many songs have meant so much to me over the years. I’ve been to cry every time I hear Island in the Sun by Weezer or Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. You would not think that by looking at me🤣🤣 We would hav3 been friends in school if I was younger or you were older and we lived in the same country! I’m cracking myself up here, but I was also an Honor Roll, piano playing, church going, music and book loving youngster.
I’m so glad you loved Tom Lake. I thought the ending was fabulous. I loved the whole concept of children never really knowing everything about their mothers. Some things are better left to memories in the past.
We would 100% have been friends! We are kindred spirits. That is exactly my feeling about Tom Lake, how we have things that are just ours, not for our children’s consumption. I mean, unless my kids read my blog! Ha, kidding, they would never.
I can still cry or at least tear up hearing certain songs from my youth, remembering how I felt then.
Oh, I was struggling for so much of 2023. I was unemployed, my volunteer gig was super stressful, and I honestly didn’t see a way out of my spiral. But now it’s all good! It took some time and deep breathing and too many hours on the yoga mat, but I figured my way out of it and I’m glad that you have, too.
We are expecting snow tonight (forecast anywhere from 1 to 512 inches – lol) and we even got a “feel free to work from home tomorrow” message, so Imma gonna work from home tomorrow no matter what. And probably mostly shovel and play with my dog.
Lol, that’s quite the accurate forecast!
2023 was a rough year for you and look how amazing you came out of it! Yay you!!!
Tom Lake is now on my TBR list. Can’t wait to read it.
Is there typically not a lot of snow in your area? We don’t get as much snow as we used to. However, two snowstorms are expected this week! Eeeee. ❤️
Kari, there typically is some snow in December and January, but not in the way that I am used to. Some years they get “a lot” of snow, or so everyone around here says. I mean, I’m skeptical. In any case, winters are much, much milder here than I am used to.
I can definitely relate to the feeling of having a song hit hard when you hear it at just the write time. I love that song and the lyrics uplift me too. I’m so glad it helped you refocus.
Who would want to go back to being a teenager? Who? Are they crazy? I can’t imagine.
Good lord, not me. Imagine! All those hormones and insecurity, no thank you.
That song is just so good! I’m glad you love it too.
Such a great post and I’m so glad you are now in the “time after this” stage!
I know this wasn’t the thrust of your post and deeply tangential but I’m here to posit that Belle’s dad is the unspoken villain in BATB (sure Gaston is truly awful and probably also a villain and then there’s the beast, but stay with me). Her dad is the one who picks the rose and then allows Belle to take his place with the beast. I mean come on! There is no situation in which I’d trade either of my child’s safety for my own. What an ass.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
MAGGIE YOU’RE RIGHT. What kind of an ass does that??? Strong agree, thank you for the TED talk.
I have not seen Hamilton or listened to the music. Maybe 2024 will be the year.
I am amazed that you managed to write posts so regularly without sharing how really challenging those days were for you. I’m glad you powered through and that music helped you. Change is hard and this was such a big one. I’m so glad that you are enjoying your new home/location.
I chuckled at that’s a tall order for a lipstick. Teen years. Eek. I often felt so judged and uncertain of myself. I also have some great memories. I loved my high school so much. Coach and I were just in our old high school building and it brought back so many memories. We both wish that we lived closer, so our kids could’ve gone there.
Tom Lake – can’t wait to read that one.
High school was a good time for me too, but junior high, whew, no. Life has its ups and downs, that’s for sure.
Hamilton is on Disney+ if you have that! It’s really good, and the music is amazing.
Once again your writing has blown me away. I often read your posts then come back a day later to reread and comment. That’s how good they are. As open as you are in this space it seems none of us knew how difficult last year was for you. I’m so sorry for what you went through but happy for your strength and resilience and that you are “writing the next pages of your life”. It seems that 2023 was tough for so many people, myself included. So much sadness, grief, uncertainty. Reading this made my throat tighten a little…hugs to you. Please continue to embrace joy.
Pat, thank you so much for your support and your very uplifting words about my writing. That means so much to me. Thank you! It did seem to be a hard year and I am sorry it was for you as well. You’re inspirational to me in your outlook on life, keep shining!
What a beautiful and vulnerable post. Thank you for being real and relatable. It’s important for people to have writing like this to know we are not alone! I’m happy to hear you are on the other side of it and it’s a good reminder that nothing lasts forever: Life is hard and having an online community can be just as helpful as an in person one!
It’s so true – the online community is SUCH a healing place! Thank you, Anna. xoxoxo
I played that song on repeat at one point, when I was feeling overwhelmed with a baby and a toddler and like I would never figure out exactly who I was supposed to be. If I was walking or driving around whenever I could get out alone. Do you know the song Virginia Woolf by the Indigo Girls? It’s about reading or hearing something that’s like getting a letter to your soul, which, yes.
As for being obsessed with Hamilton, oh lord yes. I started listening to the soundtrack when I was deathly ill with the flu, and it gave me something to focus on. For a while I listened to literally nothing else but the Hamilton soundtrack in the car, to the point that my kids were alternately amused and concerned. Music is so comforting and encouraging and uplifting or calming. And this is a beautiful piece of writing.
HAMILTON! I remembered how much you loved it too. I listened to it over and over and OVER and I will never not cry when Eliza says “What happened is he breathing Alexander did you know?” wahhhhhh
This post (among many other things) makes me wish so hard that you lived nearby. You have shared great wisdom in this post. So much, that I’m going to have to go back and re-read this.
Oh thank you so much, Gigi!
This was so beautiful and relatable and it moved me to tears, thank you.
Thank you so much, Lynn, you know all about changing your life! xo
This was so beautiful, Nicole – and hit so close to home! You get trapped in these pictures of who you are and what your life is, but that ISN’T what life is…. adding that song to my 2024 songs for me playlist!!
Thank you so much Lindsay!
This was such a lovely post, Nicole. It brought up so many emotions for me. Certain songs can bring me to tears at any time, even blaring over the speakers in a grocery store. I’m so glad you’re settled in a good place now, after so much change last year.
Girl, same. I have been known to cry in Safeway while James Taylor plays Fire and Rain. *sob*
Isn’t it amazing to crawl out of a emotionally difficult, stressful time and be on the other side? You’re here! On the other side! You made it! <3
Thanks so much Stephany – I did! I did make it!
“Live Your Life With Arms Wide Open” — Oh, I love it, Nicole! I need to add it to my mantra of “Bloom where you’re planted”.
I’m so sorry to hear that last year was an awful year for you — but you obviously carried your grief/troubles with such grace that even those who know you based on reading your blog for years didn’t know/see. I’m so glad that you are now on the other side!
Those snow pictures look so cold (at least to SoCal gal) but so beautiful, so pristine!
Thanks so much, M! Bloom where you are planted – also an excellent mantra!
And re: the snow, after years in Calgary this seems like nothing to me! Lol, I have never felt so hardy.
That song always makes me think of my daughter’s elementary school, because a girl sang it (beautifully) at talent night. She brought a tear to everyone’s’ eyes, and of course then the next year, 3 girls sang it, so it turned into a bit of a joke. It’s still a great song though.
I loved Tom Lake so much, I listened to it twice, back to back.
I’m sorry last sprint was so tough. I hope this upcoming spring is easy like a Sunday morning.
I heard the audiobook was so great, with Meryl Streep!
Is Tom Lake as good as Bel Canto? I’m struggling with Commonwealth right now, it may end up on my DNF pile… which makes me sad because I loved Bel Canto.
I would say yes, it’s as good, but different. Very different! I think that’s what I love about Patchett, her books are all so different. I thought I had read Commonwealth but I haven’t, it is on my list so I’ll report back if I also find it a slog.
I watched Hamilton on Disney+ but have not been to the live show and really would love to go and see it when it is back in town again. Although I am not sure if it will be as good if Lin Manuel Miranda is not in it! I accidentally went and saw In The Heights in New York (it was half off; I had never heard of it) and he was in that and I loved it but did not even realize who he was!!
I liked Tom Lake but it was not my favorite Patchett book. I think I am less excited by character driven novels than I am with plot driven. It doesn’t mean its a hard pass necessarily, but I find myself liking character driven novels less most times.
Oh I’m totally the opposite – give me character driven any day! Probably only 1 in 10 books I read are super plot heavy.
I also watched it on Disney+ and I agree – would it be the same without that cast?
As you know, I just started nursing school this week at age 40. And I finally got to reading this post today. How uplifting and encouraging! I remade myself at age 12/13, and I can do it again. Because I’m still me, even if what I’m doing or wearing is different. I can keep all the best parts of who I am and let the rest go.
I also learned that Florence nightingale became a nurse at age 31, and Walt Whitman was a nurse in the civil war!
That is SO amazing, Erin, look at you go!!! You are inspirational.
I had NO idea about Nightingale and Whitman! I feel like Erma Bombeck was in her 40s before she published her first book, which is also an inspirational thing!
There were a lot of changes last year and you hinted about heartbreak and difficulties, but as always, you worked through it here with wit and grace and I appreciate this so much about you.
Music has and will always be a wonderful companion through the seasons of life and I am often so in awe of how deeply lyrics can reach into your soul.
Yes, San, lyrics can resonate so deeply! Thank you xoxo