Since about July of last year, my mom has been asking me if a) I thought my older son would have a graduation ceremony, and b) if so, would they be able to attend. Every time she asked, I had to shrug and say I had no idea, because honestly, who could tell anything that would happen more than a week in advance, if that? Earlier this year, when I received information that there would be a ceremony, and after that, a banquet, I could hardly believe it. For a long time I kept the idea that anything would really happen at bay; after so many cancelled plans, I didn’t want to pin my hopes on anything.
But Friday, they DID have a graduation ceremony, and there WAS a banquet and a dance, and it was absolutely wonderful. The ceremony was very long, as there were 698 students in my son’s graduating class, but for the entire three-plus hours, I kept thinking, this is amazing. This is amazing! Look around, look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now. Friday was a very long day, I was up and going for almost twenty hours, with the morning graduation and then the banquet and dance in the evening, but it felt absolutely incredible. If there is anything that has come out of the pandemic, for me, it’s an intense feeling of gratitude for things I would have taken for granted previously. Yes, my feet hurt in these heels, yes, I’m exhausted, but I’m here, and I’m experiencing this incredible thing that so many people have not. My sons have, like everyone else, missed out on so much during these past two years. They have missed so many things in their high school experience that can never be recovered, but this evening, with crazy dancing and loud music, was wonderful.
I was in awe of all the beautiful girls in their gorgeous dresses and shoes at the banquet. Every single one of them was beautiful, and I’m sure every single one of them doubted their beauty. I made a point of complimenting every girl I encountered, and I’m glad I did, because when I was in the washroom I overheard girls complaining about their “fat arms” and girls, no. No. Girls this age just have no idea how beautiful they all are, in that full glow of youth; I wish they did know, I wish they did appreciate it, but I guess we were all the same. We are probably still the same, just maybe without that full glow of youth.
It seems like sometimes books come to me at exactly the right time; this week I read Four Thousand Weeks, the title of which is derived from the number of weeks we have if we live until age 80, which means that if things go the way I hope they will, I will have fifty-two hundred weeks. Anyway, this book is excellent and I would recommend it to everyone. One of the theses of the book is that we can’t possibly get everything done in our life – our four thousand weeks – so we need to just accept that and do the best with the time we have. You cannot do it all, so don’t even try or waste your resources stressing about it, is what the book says.
I mentioned this book to one of my son’s friends, casually in passing, and he said “Four thousand? That doesn’t seem like very much.” Truth.
This week was an incredibly full one; at one point I thought Tuesday was Thursday, if that gives you any idea. In addition to the graduation day and all my regular weekly obligations and frantic May gardening, I spent part of an afternoon taking photos of my son and his friends in casual settings with their caps and gowns, I watched my son’s Drama Fest, which was the first onstage performance at the school since 2019, I attended a funeral, I taught a chair yoga class for a Senior’s Health and Wellness afternoon, and our family went to see Maverick, which was absolutely tremendous and well worth the two years that I’ve been waiting for it to be released. None of those things seemed possible to me a few months ago, and here they all happened in the course of a week. Even in a non-pandemic time this would seem like a full week, but every time I started to feel a little frazzled, I thought of Four Thousand Weeks. Things will get done, or they won’t, but these are important and prioritized and I’ll do what I can. And you know what? Everything got done that I wanted to get done, and here we are in a fresh new week.
For a few years now, I have been actively replacing the words “I don’t have time to do that” with “That is not a priority” to see if changing the words is comfortable for me. For example, if I say “A visit with my friend is not a priority” instead of “I don’t have time for a visit with my friend,” it doesn’t feel right, and then I make the time. Changing the wording in my mind has absolutely changed my behaviour. After all, four thousand to fifty-two hundred weeks is a precious, miniscule amount of time in the cosmic sense, and I want to spend it as best I can.
Speaking of precious time, today is Barkley’s birthday! When you have a dog who is the human equivalent of ninety-eight, every single day is precious.
Pandemic Reading
Four Thousand Weeks. This book is so balanced and smart and does something that not many books do – it acknowledges implicit privilege with regards to how we spend our time. I loved that the author referenced Richard Scarry’s Busytown as a bit of a busyness utopia – everyone has plenty to do, but they aren’t stressed or unhappy and they finish their workday when they finish their workday – as those were my favourite books when I was a kid. This book got me thinking a lot about how I spend my time and mental energy, especially this busy, busy week.
There is a large chapter on time saving devices, and how they do not actually save time at all because they just encourage us to add more to the pile and to be impatient, which is something I genuinely think about a lot. Washing machines, dishwashers, microwaves, EMAIL, my god, especially email, all of these things are supposed to be liberating and time-saving, but we just try to do more, more, more, and not only that, we have unrealistic expectations on how fast we do things. It’s like things are supposed to be instantaneous now; I had to recognize that in myself this week as I turned on my Peloton. It took maybe five to ten seconds to boot up, and I found myself becoming completely unhinged and impatient in those five to ten seconds. What is wrong with me?
Another part of the book, which I really liked, is about living a meaningful life, and what that entails. I find myself to be a little bit sensitive on this subject at times. There is a woman who is in my life, and who will always be in my life, and each and every time I see her she makes mention about how I have “wasted my education.” Now, I generally feel I can rise above such comments, considering the source, but it’s still THERE, it still pokes. I do not think this, by the way, I do not think that it was a waste in the slightest; I worked in my field and the financial rewards were very good, I am satisfied with my accomplishments and I don’t have any regrets from leaving that field, either. But still. It’s hard to hear this a few times a year for years and years without it affecting me at all.
I ran into a dear friend this past week; this friend gave up corporate life to take a job with a lot of flexibility, but not much in the Status Department. He mentioned all the intangible benefits to doing this for the past several years: greatly improved health indicators and being able to help out with his mother, who suffers Alzheimer’s were the most significant. But, he said, it was hard to check the ego at the door, because when you meet new people one of the first things they ask is What do you do? I told him I related to this one hundred percent. When I left my job on the trade floor to be a stay-at-home mom, it was pretty much a conversation-ender. No one wants to hear about that at a party.
But the truth is that we all have a purpose, and only a very small number of people in the history of the world are going to accomplish things that will never be forgotten. Does that mean the rest of us are insignificant and forgettable? Maybe in the cosmic sense, but what matters is now. Maybe a meaningful life is one that just leaves the world a little bit brighter than before.
On that note, I hope you all have a bright and happy week ahead, as we forge into June (JUNE!). xo
Hooray for the graduation and all of the festivities to take place. I also find myself feeling grateful for the events that we once assumed would take place. Mini graduated Thursday and the ceremony was held inside at the last minute because of a fear of storms. People were upset, but in the end it was wonderful and the evening was beautiful, so it was still a great night to take photos outside.
Wow, this book sounds very thought provoking. Now that I’m in my 50s I have occasionally thought about how my time here will end eventually. It is the inevitable. I so appreciated the part about making healthy dinners for our children, and writing the book, even if you are not Tolstoy. That hit home.
I am outraged that someone tells you that you wasted your education. I did not have an amazing career before I decided to stay home with my children. I worked at a few jobs, but nothing that was incredibly fulfilling or life-changing. At times, I struggle with the fact that I didn’t have a career, but I am also incredibly grateful for the time I spent at home with my children. I think my children benefitted more at having me than I would have if I’d had a career.
Congratulations to Mini!!! I’m so glad she had such a nice evening.
I think you’d really like this book. There was just so much good stuff in there, I barely scratched the surface. What I liked about it was it was so affirming of our life choices. My former job had me working very often 12 hour days, and sometimes more than that, and I just don’t think I could have managed, with kids.
Congratulations to your son!!! i’m so happy he got to have a graduation! My son graduated last year, and he actually got to have a ceremony too (it was in a brief lull where we thought Covid was winding down, ha ha, before Delta hit.) I’m so glad we got to have that. What is your son doing next year?
i’ve heard of this book and now I really want to read it. i’m assuming the person who tells you you wasted your education is, er, a family member- otherwise you probably wouldn’t continue to see them on a regular basis. Family is tough- as Ram Dass said, ‘If you think you are so enlightened, spend a week with your parents.” They will challenge you for sure!
Last year I think the kids had a ceremony, but only the graduates – parents had to watch via zoom. I’m so happy we didn’t have to do that.
Jenny, I think you would really like this book. You are half-right on your assumption, so I’ll just leave it at that – and that is a great quote!
Actual LOL at the Roam Dass quote. So true.
Ram Dass – sheesh autocorrect!
Congratulations to your graduating senior, Nicole! May he have lots of fulfilling adventures always.
I’ve been hearing about this book on the internet, but I’m intrigued for the first time because of *your* annotations and excerpts. Thank you.
It’s so good! Usually books that are that hyped up are a bit of a let-down for me, but this was not at all!
Oh, Nicole. This post was so lovely and resonated so deeply. Firstly, CONGRATULATIONS to your son, and to YOU for shepherding him through school! A graduate!!! How wonderfully exciting! I loved your description of the weekend. So full of joy!
And this: “There is a woman who is in my life, and who will always be in my life, and each and every time I see her she makes mention about how I have “wasted my education.”” Well. That resonates so much it hurts because I have this woman and while she doesn’t say it in so many words it is Very Clear that she thinks it. Unlike you, I did not have a career that I feel satisfied with. I mean, I had a career and I enjoyed it and learned a lot, and at the time it felt like What I Should Do. But have a really, really hard time with not feeling like The Ultimate Truth is that I am a failure who has wasted my life. Clearly, I need to read and absorb the lessons of this book!
Suzanne, I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s a big hurdle to get over, that feeling. But you know, it’s not true – there is such an incredible meaning in living a life where we make the world brighter, and you do that. You absolutely do that! My world is better because you’re in it, and I know you impact more than just me – so you are living a wonderful life of meaning.
<3
I know I should be talking about graduations and congratulations and how exciting it is to be doing things in person again, but instead I just want to say that Barkley is SOOOO cute. He just looks so mischievous and like he’s about to run off and chase a squirrel. Give him extra pets from me.
Thank you so much – I will do just that!!
Happy birthday to your dog!!! I also have a very old dog (15 years this past January!) whom I’ve had since he was a babe. The aging is hard.
Mine has skin issues, plus a litany of random health things, and he doesn’t have many teeth, and one eye is a little cloudy, and he doesn’t hear anymore. BUT I swear this dog…. He has the purest soul in the universe. Probably he’s on par with Barkley since, of course, “Everyone thinks they have the best dog. And none of them are wrong.” 🙂
Anyway, I just love my old dog so much, and I appreciate how you celebrate your old dog. Somebody new in my building said the other day, “I wish I’d met him when he was younger,” and honestly it stung. He’s wonderful right now. It’s a gift to have him snoozing at my feet. Enjoy every day with Barkley, and I’m doing the same with my Teddy.
PS congrats to the graduate! Sorry; I got distracted by celebrating senior dogs.
Thanks Alex, that’s exactly how I feel. Barkley was a wonderful puppy, now he’s a wonderful senior. What’s wrong with having a dog who likes to nap a lot? Nothing at all!! Barks is deaf, pretty blind, has cancer and a giant lump on the side, and he’s the same soul that he always was. Thanks for the great comment.
I’m so glad that your son got a graduation after all the missed experiences in the past couple of years. Sounds like you had a lovely full & very busy week — I can’t fathom a 20 hour day!! I definitely would have napped in the afternoon.
I’m appalled at that so called friend saying that “you’ve wasted your education”. Just…what?? Raising a family is the most-important job in our society and you made a choice. I have heard a suggestion when people ask or say inappropriate things. You pause, look them in the eye and say “I can’t believe you would ask me that/or say that to me”….then change the subject.
Thanks Pat, it was such a great day – albeit a bit tiring!
Also that’s a great suggestion and I just might use it!
I’m so happy your son got to have the full graduation! Things are looking up. I detest when people make that comment about education, I’ve felt ignored and looked down on so many times as a Stay at Home Mom and it was very hard. People need to support women in whatever they choose to do and stop making people feel bad for doing what works best for them in life! * That book sounds really good. 🙂
Oh Anna, you would LOVE this book. I just know you would. And yeah, those comments can be hard to deal with – the point is that we live in a world where we get to choose our path, and that is reason to celebrate!
Nicole – CONGRATS on your son’s graduation!! And I am so happy that y’all were able to experience all the hoopla!! That makes it extra special after these past few years.
An education gained is not an education wasted is something I’d be sorely tempted to say to that certain someone. And then might follow up along the lines of how a person chooses to live their life is no one else’s business.
Thanks Gigi – it was SO special.
I agree – no one else’s business indeed!! But yet, some people find it hard not to comment! You know what I mean!
Congratulations to your son AND to you. So many thousands of hours of nurture and love go in to raising a child and thousands more go in to supporting their education so this celebration honours your commitment as well.
I’m currently reading the Anti-Diet book and it’s really making me even more aware of how much OBJECTIVELY BEAUTIFUL teenagers fixate on tiny imperfections (which aren’t imperfections at all). It makes me want to hug them and tell them how wonderful and perfect they are…
I think about/reference Four Thousand Weeks…weekly. I think I’m actually going to invest and buy a copy of the book which shows how much I really enjoyed it!
And as a part-time work-from-home Mom with two degrees, I get the challenge of navigating a less mainstream path than pursuing a big career. I have often felt less-than for doing so (not by any family, thankfully), but I 100% agree with Gigi. Having an education provides so much more than just a clear career trajectory. It shapes us on so many levels and I think it definitely has made me into the person I am today – even if I spend a lot of time washing clothes and prepping lunchboxes.
Yes, that’s exactly right, it is more than a career trajectory! Exactly. I too have two degrees and neither of them were wasted.
And I clearly remember being a teen and thinking this was awful and that was awful and you know what, it wasn’t. Then the same as a young adult. I guess we all need to just embrace ourselves and hug our younger selves!
You are the second person in my feed who wrote about Four Thousand Weeks yesterday. I read it a little while back and also loved it. It’s so comforting to be reminded that I absolutely cannot do everything I want.
I am also a stay at home mom, which I never expected to be (nor did I expect to love it so much). My husband’s family thinks its blasphemy and no one believes how busy I am. They think I’m able to “read so much” because I “don’t have a job.” It’s really frustrating, but I don’t try to argue with them about how hard I have to work in things for myself, like reading. Or remind them that I have two degrees from prestigious universities. I live a very lucky life and I’m thankful for it. It’s too short to have to justify it!
Congratulations on your son’s graduation. What an experience!
I feel every single thing you’ve said in this comment, Katie! I didn’t really expect this life either but I am so thankful for it!
I’m so happy M got to have a real graduation and that you all enjoyed it so much. I don’t take these kinds of things for granted anymore either.
I’m glad no one tells me I wasted my PhD because even 17 years out of the classroom, I have a lot of shame about not being able to find a tenure-track job and quitting academia (although sometimes I say it quit me– being an adjunct is no way to live). Those feelings were actually a big part of why I started writing my blog, to focus on what I did have in my life instead of what I didn’t.
Steph, I really appreciate you saying that. And I am so glad you did start your blog because otherwise you wouldn’t be in my life. Big hugs to you. xoxo
Congrats to your son and sounds like a fun celebration! I wish we did that here, a big banquet and dance after graduation with the families…amazing!
It was really so much fun. Thanks Colleen!
I read this yesterday and have been letting your words sink in, especially “Changing the wording in my mind has absolutely changed my behaviour.” I’ve requested the book from the library and am looking forward to reading it. Congrats on the graduation and the pup birthday and the being in the moment as it is!
It really has changed my behaviour – it’s so easy to say “I don’t have time for that” but is that true? Or did I just not prioritize it? Anyway, I’m glad it resonated for you!
I don’t think I knew that you worked on a trading floor! I worked on a trading floor when I worked on the sell-side. Now I’m on the buy-side which I MUCH prefer. We must have similar education/professions? I think it is awful that someone tells you that you wasted your education. Sheesh. Who is she to make those comments? It’s all about finding fulfillment and that looks different for everyone! I would not be happy as a SAHM and I love my job, so my choice to work is maximizing my fulfillment. You made a different choice to maximize your fulfillment! You do not need to hear this from me, of course, but I hate that there is so much judgment no matter what you do!!
But yay for your son for having a pretty normal graduation experience! And congrats to you! Behind every graduate is a set of parents who made a lot of sacrifice and put some serious effort into helping their child get to where they are! My nephew’s graduation is this weekend. I won’t be able to attend his grad ceremony but I’m excited to attend his party. He is the NICEST kid and I couldn’t be more proud of him! So I am glad he gets a normal grad experience. I feel bad for the 2020-2021 kids who had no graduation or such a scaled back graduation. Granted, I HATED high school (my graduating class had 28 people in it!! There were more kids in your son’s class than lived in my tiny rural town). But still – graduation gave me closure so it’s sad that some kids never got that!
Oooh, maybe we do have similar professions! Or, did, in my case. I was a quantitative analyst for the structured products team on a natural gas trading floor and I have my master’s in economics. I’m glad you’re on the side you prefer!
I’m so happy my son had that experience as well!
I’m having so many thoughts! First off, congrats on your son’s graduation. Oldest graduated last year and his class threaded the needle between having everyone their age fully vax’d (he goes to a small private school so they could require this) and Delta putting the hammer down so he actually had an outdoor grad ceremony and an outdoor prom. My heart was so full watching these kids who had had such a rough year get to celebrate their graduation together. I felt so happy for every single one of them, even the ones I didn’t know. I ams o happy your son could have the experience!
The 4000 weeks passages you highlighted really struck a chord. I’ve been an attorney since 1995 so in my career lifetime I’ve seen directly the effect of ever faster technology that has been billed as a time saver, but in fact really just made the profession have to do everything faster and 24/7. Instead of mailing documents and making phone calls, people emailed documents and expected faster responses. Then it was docusign and expecting faster responses, now it’s slack and other things with nearly instant communication all day, every day and I feel really bad for people just starting my profession now because all of this tech has made it much more pressurized and stressful.
Sorry about the now incredibly long comment but I also wanted to say I’m sorry you have someone in your life who says you wasted your education. First of all, education is never wasted. Learning can be an end unto itself. Secondly, the idea that we all have to do to work hard core every day to be of value is so damaging. I deliberately took a job that is less prestigious and pays less but that doesn’t usually require me to work late or on weekends and for 25 years I’ve never regretted my choice. At the end of my days I can’t imagine I will be sorry that I was able to carve out time for my life and my family and I doubt you will either.
Maggie, this is so interesting about lawyer life. I didn’t think of it in terms of that but omg, yes. My husband works with a lot of lawyers and they seem to work about 20 hours a day at times. And weekends? What are weekends? It’s a stressful profession to begin with and now add in that you really should be answering your email all the time…I can’t imagine.
I’m so glad your son had a graduation too! I didn’t realize how close in age our oldests are!
I am so, so happy that you got to have the graduation. And see Maverick. I know those two things aren’t really equal but they’re both HUGE, and in the same week? Whoo!
It’s almost funny, really, that someone thinks they’re entitled to say that to you about wasting your education. Like, really. You’re the kind of person that says that to someone, and yet does not reflect on what that means about you, or what you’re wasting? I don’t blame you at all for not being able to shake it off one hundred percent but as I often say, you get to be you and she has to be her, and I know which I’d rather be.
IMAGINE BEING A PERSON WHO SAYS THINGS LIKE THAT! Just imagine. Yes, we get to be us, and that’s way better.
LOLOLOL Maverick and the graduation aren’t equal but…you know my feelings about Maverick so…
Many thoughts… I’m sorry that the woman said that to you and that she is still in your life so that you have to think about it every time you see her. That is what her ego tells her, and she is projecting it onto you. She’s probably very envious of you, friend.
Happy Birthday to Barkely!! Doggy birthdays are the best.
Congratulation to your graduate! Celebrations are so much more important now, aren’t they? Covid has taught us to appreciate the big and small things in life. Maybe it’s not that bad after all? I’m so happy for all of you that you could celebrate.
We all have a meaningful purpose; we just have to figure it out. This is why we are here. And it isn’t tied to a career. I used to hate being asked, “What do you do for a living?” Now, I laugh about it. Because it is the smallest part of our lives. “What are we here to do?” That is the biggest question. I think you know how to answer. Xoxo
What are we here to do – YES! Yes, Kari, that’s perfect. I am going to change the narrative in my head. Because you’re right, what our purpose is is not necessarily tied to a career trajectory!
Also: HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your boy Barkley!
And I’ve been thinking for days at this point how wonderful it is that you complimented all the teens you met–it’s the kind of thing that might give them a lasting boost. That was so very lovely of you, Nicole. (It gave me a boost too.)
Oh thanks Maya, I hope it did make them feel good! And thanks for the birthday wishes. He’s still going!
What a joyous week for you! I am so glad your son got to have a graduation and that it was such a wonderful celebration. I also really love that you complimented the girls at the banquet. I remember how awkward and not-beautiful I felt as a teen, and I look back at pictures of me from that time and just want to give my younger self a big hug. I’m sure you made a lot of girls feel pretty!
That Four Thousand Weeks book sounds really interesting, and what prescient timing to read it during this busy week filled with milestones. I’ll have to add it to my list!
Thanks Stephany! I just remember thinking I looked hideous, and then when I look at photos, I really was super cute. Why do we have to feel so crappy about ourselves through our whole lives?
I think you’ll love the book!
I’m glad that your son had a proper graduation and that Barkley, the birthday boy, is hanging in there. Both are good to read about. I’m with you on making a point to compliment girls, assuring them that they’re perfectly pretty and darned smart. As a teenager I remember being filled with doubts, and that was before social media was around attempting to undermine a teenage girl’s sense of self-worth.
Goodness, yes, Ally. Social media erodes and, as you say, undermines a teen girl’s sense of self-worth. Back in our day, it was just magazines or movies or whatnot, now it’s just bombarding us all.
Congratulations to your graduate! <3 And I love the "that is not a priority" rephrasing – I may borrow that.
As someone who retired (actually: went on disability) very early due to going deaf, I live in fear of the "What do you do?" question. I used to say I was a freelance writer (at … my blog … which does not pay me). Now I'm old enough to get away with just saying I'm retired. What a relief!
Time saving devices making us busier, with email as an example, really hit home. I had pen pals from the mid 1970s through the mid 1990s, and then when email came around, we all started finding each other again. I felt SUCH stress to immediately respond to an email, whereas I'd let a letter sit for a month while I crafted a many-paged response. Totally different dynamic and it took the fun out of correspondence for me for a while, until I got used to it.
Wendy, I really understand this! I had so many penpals back in the day and I loved it so much. One of the best things was waiting for a letter to arrive, and to take time to craft a reply, often – because I was younger – with stickers or photos or whatnot. So much pressure now to respond RIGHT NOW!
Hi! Found you through Swistle’s blog; have been reading yours for a few months now and read some of your archives as well. I love how upbeat your posts are! Reading your positive outlook is such a nice start to the week!
Hi M! I’m so glad – thanks so much for stopping by! I hope you have a great week!
4000 weeks? That’s it. It doesn’t sound like nearly enough time… so better make the best of it. I love that you had such a blast at your son’s graduation (and I also love that you made it a point to compliment all the girls. It’s so true – they need to hear this at a time when they’re most critical of themselves!).
It doesn’t seem like much time when it’s written out – a good reminder to make the most of it!
Crap. My comment disappeared.
Congratulations on your son’s graduation and a full week of fun busyness. All good stuff.
Happy birthday to my favorite Canadian Doggie.
Someone saying you wasted your education is rude and uncaring. Goodness.
When someone asks me what I do I usually tell them: Whatever I want.
That shuts them up.
The book Four Thousand weeks sounds really good and a needed lesson for us all.
I hope your upcoming week isn’t nearly as packed, but is just as joyful. XO
“Whatever I want” – I love that and I just may copy you, my friend!