Recently I’ve seen a lot of “ten year challenge” posts on social media, which is one of those strange phenomena of our time. A challenge, in my mind, is to be ninety-seven weeks into a global pandemic and to still get out of bed every morning, putting one foot in front of the other and keeping hope and optimism in day to day life. A challenge is to parent effectively when there are constant disappointments and changes that are out of anyone’s personal control; a challenge is to keep making dinner, day in and day out, with no end in sight and nothing exciting to anticipate. What about the “ten year challenge” is a challenge, exactly? Is the challenge in finding photos that are a decade apart? Or does the challenge actually lie in the posting of photos that are a decade apart, forcing us all to face the changes that ten years have brought and the vast improvements in our ability to take photos with good lighting and posing? I feel like it’s the latter.
I vaguely recalled, pre-pandemic, that one of those challenges had occurred recently, and upon searching my online diary/ blog, I found it in December of 2019, presumably to end off the decade. December 2019 was not all that recent, of course, but what a time that was to be alive. I hosted a Christmas coffee with a dozen women in my house in that month, and we all stood close to each other and ate things.
Anyway, I do not know exactly what is the point of a “ten year challenge” other than to show the vast changes time has wrought on our faces and bodies. I am not saying these changes are bad – every day is a gift, every passing year is a cause for celebration – but they certainly exist. Not only do changes exist, but they SHOULD exist. Do we really want the same hairstyle we had ten years ago? Do we really want to go through life with our faces exactly the same, waxen-like?
I posit that the answer is no.
I had a huge argument with my dad a couple of months ago. We both got pretty heated and it was all on the topic of do I look old. It started when I mentioned a man who I haven’t seen in twenty years and who is my age or a little older; my dad said that he looked the same as he always did, but “old.” I said that the same could be said about me, at which point my dad got extremely indignant. I didn’t look old! I look great! Not old! Great! What was I talking about!
Dads and their daughters, am I right?
I tried to say that the two were not mutually exclusive and, while I do think I look “great,” I do not look like a young woman. We went back and forth for several minutes, this pointless argument ending with me ungraciously conceding, saying that fine, I still look like I’m in my twenties, DAD, and with both of us annoyed with each other.
I came across a great post that exactly describes why I dislike filtered photos; I understand the temptation, I do, but I think that a) on a personal level, I occasionally see people in person, and I don’t want to look different from my social media profiles, and b) on a societal level, I want to see and celebrate women my age who look our age. Society wants older women to be invisible, and filtering makes older women invisible. Fuck the patriarchy!
Also, sometimes those filters actually smooth out features, so that a woman – it’s always a woman – looks like she is missing a nose. I like to be a person with a visible nose.
This reminds me of something that happened several months ago. First, the backstory. Back when Facebook was in its infancy, I reconnected with pretty much everyone in my high school graduation class, including a woman I shall call X. I am still friends with pretty much everyone in my high school graduation class, by the way. I have lots of great feelings and memories about that time of life and I have much enjoyed seeing my compatriots grow and change as I myself have grown and changed.
Back in my high school days, I was a friendly acquaintance with X, rather than a true friend, and it was nice seeing her Facebook updates and getting to know her. Then, one day, she unfriended me. I don’t know why, but you know what, I’m not for everyone. Who knows. As we were never true friends, it didn’t bother me much.
Fast-forward many years, to last spring, and I received a friend request from X. Life changes, people go through rough patches, you never know what’s going on, and so I accepted. The very first post from her that I saw was a before-and-after photo: she had gotten some kind of injection or treatment that made her look like a walking Instagram filter. It was truly amazing; the bags under her eyes, the lines around her mouth – completely gone. She had commented that she had never before posted an unfiltered photo of herself, but now she was doing just that.
She looked really incredible, but something about that nagged me. Do we only post unfiltered photos if we look like we’ve filtered our faces? And yet, SHE LOOKED INCREDIBLE. Imagine walking around, with your face looking like it’s been softened with an Instagram filter! And while I am generally happy with my looks, I kept kind of thinking about it. This “thinking” increased when a friend of my sister-in-law told me, casually, as we were sitting on the beach last summer, about the Botox injections she received in the dental office she worked at. Not only did she tell me about her own treatment, which she received at a highly reduced rate, but she had unsolicited advice for me: I too could benefit from Botox. She went on to say that she wasn’t sure HOW many injections I would need to get rid of my forehead lines, but it would be a lot, and if I DID decide to get an indeterminate-but-absolutely-large-number of Botox injections, I would look amazing. Thanks? I don’t even think this was a passive-aggressive statement, I think it was aggressive-aggressive. Are my forehead lines that terrible that someone who I barely know would comment on them and give me advice about what to do about them? I wondered.
Anyway, I thought and thought and then, for research purposes, I went to look at X’s page, to see where she got the treatments done, and what kind of treatments they were, and it was then that I discovered she unfriended me, again. Well! I took it as a sign. People come in and out of your life for a reason, and I think that X’s reason was to remind me to be happy and contented with my face, as it is. Forehead lines and all.
After all, look at Betty White! What a beauty she was in her old age.
I saw that magazine at Superstore and, although I really do understand publication schedules and logistics, it was still very startling.
For what it’s worth, I’ll play along with the ten year challenge. No filters! Just me in 2012:
And now in 2022:
You know what, I’m happy with my face. I am happy with the changes, and I am also grateful – ETERNAL GRATITUDE – for home hair colour kits and moisturizer.
Pandemic Reading
The Way We Weren’t. Someone recommended this to me, and the woman I THOUGHT recommended it says she didn’t. So, I don’t know. Someone did, who was it? Anyway, this is quite a touching story about marriage, compromise, loss, and a very unlikely friendship between a crusty old man and a forty-something woman, both coping with loss and sadness. I didn’t love this but I did like it. Trigger warning: pregnancy loss is a major theme.
Girlhood. I’m going to be honest: I almost didn’t make it through the prologue. The prologue very lyrically and beautifully outlines the author’s life: a happy childhood that ends with precocious development that leads to multiple unwanted sexual encounters and sexual assault, leaving school at 16, becoming a meth and then heroin addict, her years as a sex worker, and finally sobriety and becoming an award winning author and professor. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I had the emotional strength to read it. I’m glad I did, I guess, but I’ll tell you, it was rough going. It’s part memoir, part scholarly deep dive into what it means to be a woman, and the various ways the patriarchy destroys womanhood and our ability to love and care for ourselves. It’s compelling and powerful and very, very grim. It ends hopeful but is crushing to read. Take care if you read this.
Will. “Will Smith don’t gotta cuss on his taps to sell records. Well I do. So fuck him, and fuck you too.” (There’s a little Slim Shady in all of us, people). I got a little jiggy with it and picked this up. I liked the parts about the early days of rap and hip hop in the 80s; that was a musically formative time in my life. I still know all the lyrics to Parents Just Don’t Understand (okay, here’s the situation: my parents went away on a weeks’ vacation). It was interesting to read about DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, and also how he made so much money from those years and blew it ALL by the time he was 20. It’s an interesting psychological phenomenon to see a person suddenly strike it rich and then spend it all; it’s a fact that sudden wealth is mean-reverting and that lottery winners are broke after only a few years. Smith spent all his money on cars, motorcycles, and houses, and he also didn’t pay his taxes, so he was completely broke and owing the IRS a ton of money, just before he got cast on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Quincy Jones basically saved his life. Fun fact: the ghost writer also wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, and once you know that, you can’t unknow it. The voice comes out. I liked this just fine, didn’t love it, didn’t hate it, it was okay though. Oh, and the reason “Will Smith don’t gotta cuss on his raps?” His grandma overheard him swearing and shamed him for it, saying that intelligent people don’t need to use that language. So, out of respect for his grandma, he kept his raps squeaky-clean. Awww. Grandmas!
The Cost of Living. This is the second of Levy’s memoirs, and it deals mainly with her divorce, living as a single mom, and finding space to write. I really liked it and am looking forward to reading the third. Check out the back of the book:
It’s the last full week of January! Time flies even when it’s January, I guess. How do you feel about filters, fillers, and injections? What about photo challenges? Tell me everything. xo
I see those “ten year challenges” too and have yet to find any of them interesting. As for X and her photos, that is odd. Some people fear being who they are and will go to great lengths to appear otherwise. I’ve no fillers in my face, but know women who do that. This topic reminds me of a woman years ago whose blog tagline was: “50 years old and Botox-free’. I loved her attitude– and now wonder if she influenced me more than I ever realized before.
You’re exactly right, some people fear who they are. I’m glad you are who you are, my friend!
You look lovely in 2012 and 2022, and I’m on your dad’s side of the argument. But I’m SO with YOU on how we need to see older women in our feeds, timelines, and commercials–the erasure is real and savage. Paulina Porizkova is talking about some of these things… but I always end up feeling she is SO CLOSE to the big point, but manages to miss it nevertheless. Have you seen this/ https://www.theaustralian.com.au/weekend-australian-magazine/paulina-porizkova-im-as-invisible-as-any-other-56yearold-woman/news-story/6a48259a3f9856f2aa8ef1539ef2ae94
Also–aren’t loving dads awesome? My dad always maintained that the three most beautiful women in the world were mom, my sister, and me–and although we always scoffed at it, it did set me up to feel comfortable in my own features and body no matter where I was.
Awww! Loving dads are the best! Thanks for that link, I hadn’t seen it!
You look amazing. Like…amazing.
My husband and I were watching another documentary the other night and I actually had to comment on the fact that one of the people had clearly had Botox; this was just an “average” person – not a celebrity – it was so sad to me because she couldn’t smile properly and just looked so, so uncomfortable.
Other than adjusting the lighting on pictures for my photobook so they don’t print too dark, I can’t even imagine filtering pictures. Who cares? But then again, I’m not on Facebook or Instagram or anything…and maybe I would care if I saw a lot of filtered shots coming my way? I still think not. My mother has worn neither makeup or earrings a day in her life (or dyed her hair), so the fact I own a foundation stick and mascara and revel in earrings is enough of a generational leap. Also, my Mom does NOT look her age, either, so maybe there is some wisdom in the no-makeup, not really caring about appearances thing??
And this: “A challenge, in my mind, is to be ninety-seven weeks into a global pandemic and to still get out of bed every morning, putting one foot in front of the other and keeping hope and optimism in day to day life. A challenge is to parent effectively when there are constant disappointments and changes that are out of anyone’s personal control; a challenge is to keep making dinner, day in and day out, with no end in sight and nothing exciting to anticipate.” Sing it, sister. This is real life, this is the real challenge, this is what matters.
And this line made me laugh, hard…and it was great: “I hosted a Christmas coffee with a dozen women in my house in that month, and we all stood close to each other and ate things.” Isn’t it crazy that a line like that now feels utopian?
The not being able to smile properly would be difficult for me. I am a very “facey” person – I make lots of facial expressions when I talk, and that would be weird to not be able to do that.
i know it’s annoying when you’re trying to make a serious point, and all you get are a lot of compliments- but you really do look great! Yes there are a few lines (after the story on the beach I expected a TON of forehead lines, ha ha, and was surprised to see so few) but I think it’s weird-looking when older women have no wrinkles- something about it just doesn’t look right.
Honestly, I’m not very appearance-oriented, but I have to admit that worked better for me when I was younger. I’ve been receiving subtle and not-so-subtle hints from my kids lately (my son gave me facial moisturizer for Christmas) so maybe it’s time to put forth a little more effort… but fillers and injections, no.
Your books sound interesting! I’ve read Mark Manson’s books and love him. Funny that Will Smith’s raps are clean and he picked a ghost writer who swears constantly.
Thanks Jenny! I think you look great, FWIW!
I think you look great, too! I know that’s not the point, but it’s clear that you take care of yourself and it shows. You should be proud (and not too grumpy with your dad…) and thankful for your genetics. 🙂
I don’t live in a place where it’s normalized for women to get work done, so I read on internet forums about Botox and other fillers, facials, and other forms of plastic surgery and it seems like something that happens in other places, although I’m sure it does happen in my town. Anyway, all of this to say that I don’t judge people for doing it, but I don’t do it. I think the best part of feminism is that we can do what we want for our own reasons. Change your name when you get married or don’t. Have children or don’t. Wear makeup or don’t. Get Botox or don’t. It’s great that we all get to decide for ourselves!
Exactly! We can choose for ourselves!
Why are women so afraid of aging? That’s the bigger question, isn’t it?
You haven’t changed much in ten years. Keep smiling. 🙂
It is the bigger question! Aging is a gift!
All the way through, you had me nodding my head in agreement, recognizing and appreciating your thoughts on so-called challenges, aging, being comfortable in our own skin (literally, figuratively), filters, botox! I am not as comfortable about how I look as I age, as I had hoped to be when I was in my twenties, and I think it has a lot to do with feeling like a rare bird! There are so few women around here that “look their age,” and I am not even sure what that expression means any more. Even in social media, the women who ‘dare to go gray’ or post a make-up-less selfie, have such extraordinary regimens, genes, and access to spas, healthcare, stress reducing support, that it doesn’t feel at all relatable. Happily, after enjoying your thoughts, when I scrolled down to your photos, all I could think was: Here’s a lovely woman; we could be friends.
Oh, thanks Natalie! I think we could be friends too!
I agree with the above – you look amazing. I don’t think I tend to notice wrinkles. I might notice that someone has aged if I haven’t seen them in a long time, but aging is expected after all.
What I do notice is when people BEHAVE older than their age. This might be exaggerated at the moment after spending time with my two sisters. I’m all about being as old as you feel. While my bones and muscles might complain now and then, I really feel younger than my 51 years. I think my age shows more in my thinning hair than in my wrinkles, which does irritate me – not because it makes me look old but because it looks plain awful. I’ve never colored my hair. I don’t wear earrings, never had them pierced. Since the pandemic I really don’t wear makeup, although if I was going to a wedding I would probably wear mascara.
I would never use a filter. The unfriending X, so strange. My guess is she didn’t feel comfortable enough with herself to be friends until she got Botox. Maybe she’ll reappear again once she’s had more work done. The woman on the beach? Good grief. If it were me, I’d probably have ‘accidentally’ kicked some sand in her face. 😉
Oh, Ernie, that’s interesting about how we behave! It reminds me of that “act your age” thing that parents say.
I’m not interested in 10 year challenges, or any social media challenges for that matter. Like you said, every freaking day is a challenge!
I have a FB friend (one of Lolo’s new family members) who ONLY posts photos of herself filtered. Even if her husband is in the pic, they are BOTH filtered. It’s kind of funny when its a photo of her and her dog as the dog IS ALSO FILTERED. She’s very insecure and I feel bad for her. I don’t do filters.
That being said, if someone wants to do fillers and botox, that’s up to them. But never, ever encourage someone else to do so; that’s RUDE.
People unfriending and friending. Weird. She probably didn’t get your attention so she moved on? Who knows!
Oh, and YOU look amazing. You are a radiant woman no matter what age and stage; I think it comes from inside and your insides are lovely.
HAHAHA even the dog is filtered! Poor puppers! As for being encouraged to “do something” about my face, oh well, you have to laugh!
Right on. I never want to look like I’m any other age besides the one that I am. I’ve been known to photoshop the occasional zit out of a photo but that’s it. If someone wants botox or a nip/tuck, that’s not a wrong decision, but I don’t see myself going that route because (1) I worked very hard to become 46 years old and I want the credit for it and (2) I’ve never even dyed my hair because I think it would be hard to maintain.
I’m going to tell you, as someone who is 100% grey under the red, IT IS HARD TO MAINTAIN. I have visible roots three weeks after colouring. I’m not sure when I’m going to just let it all go grey, but it would be so much easier if I did.
I think that in this age of filters and Botox and social media and celebrities, we have collectively forgotten what women (and all people) of various ages actually look like. We see J-Lo or Shakira who are like, 75 or something, and think that they look so amazing, and hold ourselves to that standard. In reality we start getting wrinkles and grey hair and under-eye circles in our 40s and it progresses from there. There is nothing wrong with that; and I actually cringe a little bit when people shower women with compliments when they look younger than their age. How about we compliment other women on their humor, their intelligence, their kindness, their compassion? I don’t want to start an Internet fight, but the person above who said “you obviously take care of yourself”… OOOF! Does looking “old” or “out of shape” mean that someone hasn’t taken care of themselves and is thus deserving of looking “bad”? Maybe that woman has raised children as a single mother or worked the night shift her whole life, and doesn’t have the ability to cook meals from scratch or spend time exercising. Or maybe she is just TIRED after 97 weeks of this. Or maybe she just looks like a normal person who is 47.
In other news, for a second there I thought you wrote that The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck was also written by a ghostwriter and I was shocked! But then I Googled it and figured out that the author of that book had ghostwritten Will Smith’s book. WHEW!
I do think that we have forgotten what aging looks like. I have been rewatching The Golden Girls and I’m struck by the fact that Blanche/ Rue is only four years older than I am. I think we all have a bit of a skewed perspective. I agree, I like to look for the inner beauty in all of us.
I feel you! It’s not aging I mind so much as when you end up looking older than your much older friends because you aren’t injecting stuff into your face etc. I keep the mantra of ‘you do you,’ and stick with what I’m comfortable with. It’s cool if other women want to invest that time and money but it’s not for me. Even so, at times it’s hard not to compare.
It is hard not to compare!
The lady on the beach…WHAT?! That was rude but I think she is probably a very insecure person regarding her looks and figures everyone else feels the same.
You, my friend, are gorgeous – inside and out.
Oh, I’m sure that’s exactly it – anyone who puts someone else down in that way is insecure!
I adore you and you are gorgeous, and I have no doubt you will continue to be gorgeous for decades and decades, if not for eternity.
This line is perfection: “I like to be a person with a visible nose.”
Hahah! It’s true, I like having a nose!
I hate those ten-year-challenges – not in a white-hot-heat-of-a-thousand-suns way, just a roll-my-eyes, feel-intensely-annoyed and then move on way. Does anyone do them if they feel like they look really bad ten years later? It makes me doubt myself – like would I want to do it if I could change myself enough that I felt like I looked great? I am SO much happier and more comfortable with myself as a person than I was ten or twenty years ago, but I don’t love the way I look, and I get so tired of having to worry about it. Anyway. This is tangential to your reading, but I am endlessly fascinated with the lottery winners thing – how it generally doesn’t improve anyone’s life and often makes it worse. I think anyone has to be really wary of making a lot of money young without good management or guidance.
It’s so interesting; people always THINK the lottery will be a positive life-changing thing, and maybe for a very few people it is, but for most it really isn’t.
Potentially controversial take: I think I’m going to get chin fillers. I’ve always had a small slightly recessed chin, and now that I’m into early middle age, I just miss having a well defined chin. I’m not talking an Angelina Jolie razor sharp jaw; it’s just my chin/cheeks/neck are too well acquainted for my liking.
I don’t dislike myself, I don’t want to have plastic surgery. But now, after a lifetime of being “meh” about this kind of thing (I don’t even color my hair; I don’t get manicures and pedicures with any regularity) I thought, why not treat myself with this one thing that I’m pretty sure would increase my satisfaction a small but significant bit? I’m not a big spender, or even a casual spender, so I’m pretty confident in the material things that will actually increase my happiness quotient. Thoughts?
I think that’s great, Erin! I mean, why not? If it’s something that is going to improve your life and how you feel about yourself, then I think you should go for it! Thanks for chiming in!
This made me go back to my blog archive and see if there were any pictures of me from January 2012. There was one of me and Beth in front of a gay bookstore in Philadelphia, where we were having a weekend getaway while my mom kept the kids.
What’s changed (not just physical):
My mom doesn’t live in that area anymore
I only have one kid at home and that one is almost old enough to be left alone for a weekend (maybe?)
Beth and I were both heavier then
What hasn’t
I’d still consider a bookstore a fun date destination
I still have the coat and the sweater I’m wearing in the picture
My hair is in a ponytail, which is still how I wear it about half the time
I’m starting to wonder if I could get a blog post out of this.
I think you should post about it! I look back at photos to determine how old my clothes are – most of my sweaters are around the decade-old mark!
Haha, it’s funny that I wrote about all the changes I’ve been through in the last 10-12 years and then read this post! I have definitely been through a lot of aesthetic changes over the last decade, especially my hair! I went from a bob to bangs to now just long hair, no bangs. I miss that bob, though. Maybe it’s time for another major hair change. 🙂
I used to care so much about the pictures I posted on social media. I always had to have my makeup done and I had to position myself so that my double chin didn’t show and I looked thinner than I really am. Oh, the things we care about in our twenties! So many pictures I deleted because I just didn’t want that version of me to exist. These days, I’m happy to post a makeup-less picture of me (I just really enjoy that version of me – my superlight eyebrows and nonexistent eyelashes) and I try really hard to be okay with what my body looks like. It’s ME and that’s something to celebrate.
And, while I know you didn’t post your pictures to get compliments, I just want to say you look amazing and it’s really hard to believe there are 10 years between those pictures!
I am with you 100%, it’s YOU and that IS something to celebrate! And thank you for your very kind words, Stephany!
Honestly, I feel – and think I look – better now than I did 10 years ago, because I truly feel that beauty comes from within… if you’re a happy, confident, and genuinely kind person, I think you’ll always look better than a grumpy person with Botox.
I know you weren’t fishing for compliments with this post, but it is true that you have hardly changed in 10 years and I think you look amazing! No filters needed! We have to normalize that aging – especially for women – is a normal process and nothing to “be ashamed about” or something that we have to “do something about”. Luckily, the women in my family have all aged gracefully and without any work done and I hope to do the same.
And yes, I prefer people with noses. LOL
Oh, I agree so much! We don’t need to “do something about” our aging faces and bodies!