I’m okay. Everything in my life is fundamentally okay – good, even – and my little boat in this tsunami of a storm is strong and well-equipped. EVERYTHING IS FINE except everything isn’t fine? I know I’m not alone here. The other day Swistle (HI SWISTLE) mentioned the strong desire to lie down on the industrial carpet at her place of work and just…stay there and I felt like, girl, same. I was kneeling down to put away some of the hundreds of dollars worth of groceries from Costco and Superstore, and I just stayed there. For a long time I found myself kneeling in front of the low shelf in the pantry, motionless.
Everything is fine! But it isn’t, you know. I am SO SICK of writing about it but Covid cases are, again, through the roof. Every single day, every SINGLE DAY the new case count is enormous, the death count is shocking and saddening, and the strain on the health care system is unbelievable. My personal risk and that of my immediate family is low, it’s true, we are vaxxed and masked and we follow health protocols, but my nieces are too young to be vaccinated, and I have low-level anxiety about someone in my family needing urgent, non-Covid-related health care and not being able to receive it. NO ONE GET SICK, OKAY? NO ONE GET IN AN ACCIDENT OR ANYTHING. I mean, that’s how I feel in general, no one wants a medical emergency or an accident, but these things happen, and I feel like the universal health care safety net I have relied on my whole life is unravelling. Meanwhile, this week I have a routine mammogram.
My children are on the cusp of adulthood and although they still require support and guidance, they are on their own journeys and their own paths and I just have to let that go. The intensive part of motherhood is over, that chapter of my life is gone, and did I do okay? Who knows? I think I did, but who really can tell. Also, and this is probably a gender-construct, but I am finding that as the boys get older, my role in their life becomes more and more on the sidelines – which is great, we want our little birds to fly, we want them to embark on their own journeys in life and seek their fortunes as they do in fairy tales, but without the fairy tale death and despair – but their father’s role becomes more like that of a good buddy. Has anyone else felt that way? The three of them love doing things together that don’t include me – boys’ camping trips! Weight lifting! Watching wrestling! – and that’s okay, it really is, because I don’t really want my sons to be the kind of adult men whose “best friend is their mom” but still. It’s like I now have a minor role in the ensemble where I used to be the star. Also? I am an intelligent and highly-educated woman and the vast majority of my week is spent in food preparation, grocery shopping, and other household drudgery.
Barkley is in a decline. He is not yet in any pain that I can see, he is still eating and wagging and happy to go for our slow-boat-to-nowhere walks. But he’s also lived longer than I thought he would when he was diagnosed with cancer, he’s pretty much deaf now, and sometimes he has trouble getting up the three steps into the house. Every single day a well-meaning person stops me to ask about his lump, which then often devolves into a long story about “dogs they have known that have died of cancer” and, you know what, I don’t need those stories.
I had a lovely visit with some friends a couple of weeks ago, and I said that one of the hardest things for me has been giving up my idealism about the world. Back in the spring of 2020, I felt like THIS would be the event that brings us all together in humanity, we would all join metaphorical hands and overcome. I would walk down the street and see the window art that people had made to keep spirits up. And the world came together as the people stayed apart said one sign, decorated with children’s art. And now look at what we’ve become. My friend agreed and said if a global pandemic didn’t do it, I guess we have to wait for aliens to land and take over the world which only reminds me of Kent Brockman and the ants, which means humanity will be divided forever and ever, amen.
Anyway. It’s just life right now, and in the meantime these are the things that have been helping cheer and soothe me:
- Girly-girl self care: I had a pedicure last week and tomorrow I go for body sugaring, and although the audience for these things is limited, it’s like wearing pretty underwear: it’s not about the audience, it’s about ME, and I like these things.
- Kondo-ing social media: I deleted the twitter app off my phone months ago but I still sometimes would look at twitter on my desktop, and I would end up feeling sad and angry. I deleted my account altogether as it felt like time to Marie Kondo my social media: if it’s not sparking joy, it’s out. The moment I deleted it I felt relief.
- Eating: It’s Macintosh Apple Season, which is the greatest of all Apple Seasons, and so I have been mowing through pounds of them. It’s also Pear Season, which is second only to Macintosh Apple Season. Lest you think I’m being an obnoxious, Fruit-is-Nature’s-Candy person (although, let’s face it, I kind of am), yesterday I made peanut butter banana “nice cream,” heavy on the Reece’s Pieces and chocolate swirl.
- Kettle corn and Ted Lasso: Weekend evenings my husband and I have been watching Ted Lasso and eating popcorn, both of which are very cheering. Well, except for the “Coach Beard On The Town” episode we watched a few weeks ago, wherein I spent the whole time thinking how much longer is left of this stupid episode instead of my usual omg I love this show. If you know, you know. Anyway, kettle corn.
- Loud piano playing: I unearthed my old photocopied sheet music of Introduction and Fugato and if ever there was a song that gets the feelings out, this is it. SO CRASHY. I played this constantly as an angsty teen and the fingers have memory because it’s all come back to me.Listen
- Listen while you work: I have found that listening to podcasts while doing mind-numbing household drudge chores, or slowly walking Barkley, has been immensely fun. I never thought I’d be a podcast person, but here I am. If you’re interested, my number one favourite is You’re Wrong About.
- God bless Mother Nature, she’s a middle-aged woman too: The sunrises lately have been incredibly beautiful, and although many trees are now naked, there have been some absolutely beautiful days with blue skies and fall colours.
Pandemic Reading
Of course, nothing helps me so much as diving into a good book. I am currently doing a very special and excellent beta read, but I had time for a couple of classic rereads this week.
Northanger Abbey. It had been at least twenty years since I read this, and I forgot what an absolute delight it is! It is so witty and lovely, following sweet, guileless Catherine and her adventures in Bath, with the people she meets – both lovely and terrible, as is de riguer in Austen – complete with some some delightful misunderstandings. There’s something so soothing about a book that ends happily ever after.
Frankenstein. I decided to kick off spooky season with something I haven’t read since…English 231, circa 1994? Um. I don’t remember my 1994 impressions but this time around? I did not like it. I’m always so incredulous when it comes to sci-fi-ish books (how can the creature possibly have learned so much in such a short amount of time, how did he actually create a sentient being, do you even know how complex the brain is, if Frankenstein was worried about making a female because they would reproduce, couldn’t he have figured out the reproductive system and made them sterile, yes I know this was written in 1818 and medical information then was not medical information now) which makes reading them a real problem for me – I cannot suspend my disbelief. That’s on me. But also? The real monster is Frankenstein, not his creation. I mean, he makes a creature out of old corpses that he steals, and then is shocked by his ugly it is? Come on, buddy. Did you not think this through?? Take responsibility for your actions, Frankenstein. The poor creature just wants to be loved and instead, you just LEAVE. Because he’s ugly. I mean. What an asshole. You created something that is doomed to always be alone and shunned by the world due to his appearance, and then you’re surprised it went wrong? Yeesh.
Take care of yourselves, friends. It’s been a long haul, but we really are in it together. xo
I think that’s basically the point of Frankenstein, that it’s the creator who is the real monster.
The gender dynamic is different in my family, but I feel that shift from one parent to the other you’re talking about more with North. With Noah, Beth and I both have both made similar shifts. He needs less caretaking, obviously, since he’s not even at home, but even when he is, he makes a big contribution to house and yard work and we spend time together reading, watching tv, going on hikes or kayaking, either one on one or as a threesome. It’s nice. But I feel North’s been pulling away from me since the beginning of middle school and getting closer to Beth. Part of it is the fact that North’s medical care is complicated, and Beth is just better at dealing with bureaucracies, so she coordinates it. But that’s doesn’t account for it completely. I just feel like there’s a distance between us and it’s painful, especially as I was the stay-at-home parent when the kids were little and close with both of them.
It’s really painful, I think, to have that shift. I understand totally. xo
I completely relate to this post. I never imagined this pandemic would create such divisiveness in our province and the world. It’s so sad and exhausting. And watching your kids grow up is harder than I ever thought. I’m so grateful they are thriving, but the more independent they become the more I feel like I told them once: it’s like someone twisting inside my heart and then ripping it out. I told them this once before school started this year and they all just stared at me with their mouths open, including my husband. So perhaps a bit dramatic! As a result I’ve decided I need a little female puppy who can be my baby. I’m not sure when this will happen but I feel like it’s necessary!
Oh, I think you DO need a puppy! Maybe a purse dog! You could get little outfits for her! I have a friend who does this and honestly, it’s pretty amazing.
The divisiveness is really getting to me. Thanks for being you. xo
Ohh yes, a purse puppy! I really think this is a good idea. 🙂 Thank you and keep writing for all of us. 🤗
Oh Nicole. This is such a hard time. Your posts bring me continual joy, but I feel like more anguish than usual is present in today’s post and… I am sending you all the good, healthy thoughts.
This hit me right in the feels: “It’s like I now have a minor role in the ensemble where I used to be the star. Also? I am an intelligent and highly-educated woman and the vast majority of my week is spent in food preparation, grocery shopping, and other household drudgery.” I understand those feelings SO intensely. Sometimes I look around and wonder, how did I get here? Should I have made different choices? And what if, all along, I’ve been going down one path and it’s leading to a dead end? A dead end that is choked with meal planning and laundry folding and making appointments for other people? DEEP SIGH OF EXISTENTIAL DREAD.
But. Reading your words is buoying, always. May this week be better than the last. <3
We are in it together, my friend! Thanks for your kind words. xo
You nailed this. I had 3 boys first. I get the sports talk and golf outings and muscle discussions (could be that Coach is a PT). I do so enjoy my boys in a much different way than when they were younger. They are so funny and they get a kick out of my sense of humor. They are my fiercest supporters and my biggest fans. Still, it’s different at times. Then there is Mini, who I will miss terribly next year. She and I are close and she brings me so much joy. She really talks to me and want so to know what I think, etc. I don’t even want to think about next year when she is away at school. Curly is a whole other breed, so huggy and lovey and hangs on my every word. She and I will be lost without Curly, but at least we can hug it out – whereas, Mini is not a hugger. Her friends even asked me recently DOES MINI EVER HUG YOU and the answer was NO, SADLY SHE DOESN’T.
Poor Barkley. Poor you. I feel your pain here, but I’m glad he isn’t in any pain and is able to eat and take slow walks.
I’ve heard great things about Ted Lasso and I think Coach and I would enjoy it. We could use a show that we both gravitate to. It sounds so relaxing.
Frankenstein sounds awful. Never read it and don’t intend to. I’m not into sci fi, probably because of some of what you mention. That’s not possible!
I am tired of so much of life being impacted by the pandemic. Every time I turn around, I think UGH, THERE’S ANOTHER CHANGE OR ISSUE OR DIFFICULTY. It’s exhausting. I do feel like it’s a band together time, even if that isn’t the way it always feels. We are certainly all in this together. Unfortunately, some are just not behaving as nice humans under the stress of it all.
I think it’s so interesting to see the different dynamic between mom and kids – thank you so much for sharing that.
I think you would love Ted Lasso. It’s just a really lovely show.
HI NICOLE
I HAVE NEVER READ NORTHANGER ABBEY, despite numerous re-readings of both Pride & Prejudice and Sense & Sensibility. I cannot explain this lapse. But! I have an ANNOTATED Northanger Abbey that I received as a gift (I put it on a wish list)! So ANY DAY NOW I might choose it from the To Read Stack!
You must read it! It’s purely delightful! I have just started reading Mansfield Park and it is SO good but not quite so joyful and delightful.
Nicole, oh honey – I know! I am sending you loads of virtual hugs. Life IS so hard right now. And the fact that humanity is even MORE divided than it was prior to COVID is utterly depressing.
And yes, you are spot on and described the relationship between a mother and her older sons perfectly. It’s hard to watch because as their mother, you were the one that they used to turn to for everything. My son just turned 27 and hasn’t lived at home for years and though I know he loves me, I also know that he will continue to turn to his father before me in most things. It is a bitter pill to swallow when it starts to happen.
Sending love. xo
Thank you, Gigi, it helps to know I’m not alone in this feeling. xo
What a lovely and touching post Nicole. I certainly feel where you are at with the divisiveness. It has happened right in my family. My two oldest kids (and the only 2 in Ontario) are as far apart as they could be. Son is a small biz owner and very political – he & his fiance are not getting vaccinated right now. They are trying to conceive and have concerns. He also is against businesses needing to police this. His opinions are well researched (although I disagree with him). My daughter is so far opposite that she won’t see him nor will she allow him to see her kids/his nephews. Makes me so sad. They are both incredibly stubborn so I can’t see things changing soon.
The situation in Alberta is horrific. It just breaks my heart. Yes…so tired of this. And Barkely…I’m glad he isn’t in pain, but how difficult to watch his slow decline. A thought when well meaning strangers ask about his lump – could you just say ‘it’s just a cyst’ or something to gently end the conversation.
LOVE podcasts for when I’m cooking, cleaning, driving and walking. I do enjoy You’re Wrong About as well. Have you tried Huberman Lab? It’s amazing, very sciency and jam-packed with info on so many diverse topics. Huberman is a professor at Stanford. You may find it gets your brain going!
And here I am still not having listened to a single podcast. Any day now, ANY day. Your personal risk is low, but of course it is demoralizing living in the middle of a humanitarian disaster – in some ways it’s worse than if your personal risk is higher, because the cognitive dissonance is so exhausting.
In my experience, good science fiction writers don’t just gloss over how the science happens, but obviously Frankenstein was early speculative fiction and Mary Shelley was going for something that didn’t depend on hard science. I don’t have as much trouble suspending my disbelief, though. I agree with Steph – the major takeaway is that the creator is the monster.
And yeah, the kids growing up (and being PHYSICALLY NOT HERE) is so weird. I get flashes of them as tiny people, or me whispering “don’t smoke” to my huge belly, and think, how the the hell did we end up here? And I DO enjoy them hugely as near-adults, they are funnier and smarter and weirder than I ever could have imagined, but still…
The divisiveness is disheartening.
Raising boys. It must be different than raising girls. All the confidential stuff that (coach) Dad doesn’t know, I wonder if your husband knows about the boys? Or do they not do that sort of thing? Sometimes my girls tell me too much.
Kidding. It’s never too much.
I’m always looking for a good pod cast for my drives; I’ll have to look into: You’re Wrong About.
The Coach and I watched that Ted Lasso episode last week and we were scratching our heads. The only thing that I can think is they let someone else produce that episode. It was a departure.
Phew. Yes, girl. Kneeling in front of the low shelf of the pantry and not getting up for a few minutes. I feel you. Things feel heavy right now and as much as I want to make plans and travel (as so many people around me do already with no care in the world), I stay in place and wait out this stupid pandemic, which I also thought would bring us all together. It looked like that in the beginning anyway, but now people are like “f**k it, who cares about other people, I want to do what I want to do”. Ugh.
I don’t have kids, so I don’t know what it feels like to let them grow up and leave the nest, but I can imagine that in a house of boys being the only girl is tough sometimes.