The Golden Girls Action Figures ARE On My Christmas List

On October 6, I was alerted by three people that the world has become a perfect place; there are now Golden Girls action figures to be had. Since that time, I’ve had messages from no fewer than eight people about the existence of such a glorious thing.

You know, we all just want to be heard, and to leave our mark on the world, and my friends messaging me about the Golden Girls action figures means that I have been heard. I have left my mark. I truly felt warm and happy, knowing that my Golden Girls love is that well known. Thank you to everyone who has mentioned them, and yes, they are on my Christmas list.

The thing about the Golden Girls is that it was a show about women supporting and accepting each other, and I think that is what is the most appealing thing to me. I think about my friends – you know who you are, right? – who are really more like sisters to me. My friends who I see daily, my friends who I see almost never but talk to often, my friends who are there for me no matter what. If I could build a giant commune somewhere warm, we could all live together, eating vegan cheesecake and drinking coffee (with vegan Bailey’s).

I was thinking about women supporting other women this weekend, when my friend (HI VALERIE) posted a piece entitled “When Her Good News Makes You Feel Bad.” I read these words over and over: …quit fighting over a bigger slice of pie and just bake a bigger pie and invite everyone you know to share it with you. Isn’t that the most beautiful way to live? Bake a bigger pie, or vegan cheesecake, as the case may be.

I know so many amazing women, I think my cake will have to be Olympic Oval sized.

On a much less inspirational note, the battery in the wall clock in the kitchen died last week, and this might seem like a small thing to you, but to me it seemed to be indicative of a looming loss of sanity. If you want to discover how many times you instinctively look at something in one day, change it up. Apparently I check the time approximately several hundred times a day, even though there are digital clocks on both my oven and microwave, as well as the one on my laptop that I often use at the kitchen table. Yet, it is the wall clock I look to for reassurance that I am on schedule throughout the day. Several hundred times a day.

We all know that a stopped clock is correct twice a day, and yet, a stopped clock is still pretty much useless. Yes, I could have just changed the battery immediately, but for some reason I did not. Well, that reason is that I was probably lazily hoping my husband would just do it. In any case, I let this stopped clock issue go on for a good thirty six hours, at which point I was about to lose my mind, looking at the wrong time constantly. I pulled over the high stool to reach the clock, efficiently changed the battery, and hung it back on the wall.

Or so I thought.

I had apparently not secured it to the wall, since it came crashing down, shattering everywhere.

Do you want to know what’s more annoying than a stopped clock? A non-existent one, a bare space of wall that you constantly look at because apparently you have a tic that causes you to look at the time several hundred times a day what is wrong with me why am I like this.

Today I finally had a chance to stop at Bed Bath and Beyond, which always makes me think of Frank the Tank (I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough TIME) and I purchased a clock which is now affixed to my wall and my sanity is saved. The only problem with going into Bed Bath and Beyond is that it immediately makes me want to be The Ultimate Consumer. I want EVERYTHING. I feel like I need every little gadget from the non-stick rolling pin to the Magic Bullet to the little scrub sponges that are in the shape of happy faces. I don’t know who sets up the displays, but they are extremely effective.

And, for the love of god, the Christmas displays are up, everything smells like cinnamon, and I had to physically restrain myself from buying a miniature light-up tree meant for a coffee table, a leg lamp, and a set of tea towels with reindeer embroidered on them. I left with ONLY the clock, feeling virtuous and regretful. I really wanted those tea towels.

But if you ever throw a party, and invite everyone you know, you’ll see that the leg lamp will be from me. And the card attached will say Thank you for being a friend. xo


  1. I want to immediately, right now, without losing another second, buy you those action figures AND the tea towels (unironically, unlike how I bought one for my brother-in-law and his wife who are sort of resolutely anti-consumerist and anti-tacky-christmas-stuff but lovely anyway, why did I do it, I HATE MYSELF). I agree about Bed Bath and Beyond, so I try to stay away, although it’s also where I bought that silly Boston Red Sox insulated cup for Angus for Christmas that I thought was a dumb gift and then he loved it beyond all reason. I use the microwave clock to check the time when I’m at the computer and if someone turns off the microwave before it’s done so it shows time left instead of the proper time I go INSANE.

  2. I saw those action figures and thought of you immediately. I wonder if they will ever remake the show – I hope not, because no one could be those Golden ladies, but Bea, Rue, Betty, and…Dorothy’s mom…ack! have I forgotten her name?? ….Estelle!! Whew! I noticed that the grocery store was selling Advent calendars last week when I went in to pick up a pumpkin. And I almost bought one, and then I realized that 24 tiny chocolates aren’t quite enough to count down when we are MONTHS away!

  3. This going to take a while to relate to your post so bear with me….There’s a doctor’s office where I go once every two years for a mammogram and every time I’d been there, every single time, they were playing The Cosby Show in the waiting room. I wondered how the staff could have the same show playing in the background all day every day without losing their minds. But after Cosby because a not quite so wholesome figure, they switched to Golden Girls. So now I will think of you on mammogram days.

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