All work and no play make Nicole scream at telemarketers

Last November 1, my husband took the kids to Walmart and for about $100, came home with a minivan-load of Halloween-themed exterior decorations. You all know me, come November 1 I’m really more of a Buddy the Elf girl, and so I didn’t really pay much attention to what they had purchased.

You guys, my yard. My entire front yard is filled with gigantic creepy scary things. There are 20 foot decorations swooping from the trees, across the grass. There are things hanging in every tree and shrub, there are severed hands and tombstones in my garden, there are skulls jammed alongside the withering elephant ears and hostas. Every time I look out my front window I have heart palpitations:

I have a feeling our poor mail carrier is less than pleased with having to dodge this on the way to the mailbox. Not to mention there is a plastic dead rose stuck in the mailbox.

In what can only be described as a brilliant move on the administration’s part, today is a PD day. What with the full moon, the lead up to Halloween, and the upcoming time change and subsequent darkness just after school pick-up time, it’s been kind of a shitty week. My husband has been travelling for work all week, and the kids (and me) have been missing him. EMOTIONS HAVE BEEN RUNNING HIGH.

Let’s turn this day around! I cheerfully said to the children several times this week, but really, it was ME who most desperately needed to turn the day around. MY GOD PEOPLE. Things hit a massive low on Wednesday afternoon; the boys were emotional, I have been crazily busy with work and volunteering, and I just wanted to squeeze in a quick workout on the elliptical trainer before making dinner. That’s all. I just wanted 30 minutes to be able to sweat out some of my frustrations while the kids told me about their day, but the crying outbursts of “I miss Dad!” necessitated me stopping the machine, getting off, and snuggling with them for a few minutes. Things had settled down, and I was about halfway through when the phone rang. It was marked Private Caller, which I don’t normally pick up, but because of my husband travelling I did.

Regrets. I have them.

A few months ago we had a nasty telemarketer who called for my husband, and left a name. “Oh, he knows me,” the guy assured me, “He’ll definitely want to talk to me.” Puzzled, I called my husband to tell him that Steve Fredericton called, and of course, he had no idea who it was. Later, when “Steve” called back, it was just some telemarketing idiot.

Fast forward to 4:45 on Wednesday afternoon, when I jump off the elliptical trainer and grab the phone. It was for my husband.

Me: He’s not home right now, may I ask who’s speaking?

Asshole on the phone: It’s Dave Draper.

Me: Dave…Draper? What number are you at?

AOTP: He knows my number.

Me, bathed with light and complete understanding of the situation: Really. He knows your number?

AOTP: Oh yeah. And he’s really going to want to talk to me.

Me: REALLY. Why? What is this regarding?

AOTP: I have a really great proposal for him. So, when can I call back?

Me, apparently snapping: You want to know when to call back? You want to know when is a good time? NEVER. NEVER FUCKING CALL BACK YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Kids, listening to the whole conversation: Mom? Are you okay? Mom? Who…was that?

Believe me when I say I have never done anything like that in my life. Usually I have sympathy for telemarketers, and am polite: after all, it’s a crappy job and I imagine these telemarketers, just trying to put food on the table. I usually listen to all the spiels and politely say I’m not interested, thank you. But for some reason, this pretending you actually know my husband when you do not scheme just doesn’t work for me. Also, since I fell for it once I’ve been a bit more on edge.

Well, that was the low point. Yesterday was pretty bad too, since I was busy all day and yet somehow managed to accomplish next to nothing. I volunteered in Mark’s class for an art project, but it turned out that they really didn’t need volunteers, so my morning was wasted. Then I attempted to get some work done in the afternoon, but I had computer issues and all the photos I had taken didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. The one thing I accomplished was a quick trip to Superstore while the kids were at karate. I was unloading my beans and pizza sauce at the cash register, as the fellow in front of me unloaded his items. He had a fresh whole chicken in a plastic bag, which somehow burst apart, sending the chicken right in my path. SALMONELLA FOR EVERYONE. It was not as low a point in my week as screaming at a telemarketer in front of my children, but it felt close.

Things can only go up from here, right? My husband is on his way home, I have all day to re-photograph some food, the kids are happy, and by this time on Sunday, I can start thinking about Christmas! Have a great weekend everyone, and Happy Halloween!