“Mom, do you have a dream?” Mark asked over breakfast the other day. I was only on my first cup of coffee so I wondered if he wanted to know what I dreamed about last night. I didn’t want to tell him I had a nightmare about a mouse crawling on the ceiling and then falling off into my bed, causing me to wake up with my sheets soaking wet with a freight train running through the middle of my head, or that I had a sexy dream about his father, and so I answered sort of vaguely. “No, I mean, do you have a DREAM. Like something you want.” He paused a moment, and then said quickly in a completely neutral voice “And please don’t say you want two awesome boys and wow, you already have them.” Jake chimed in, “Yeah! That’s what you always say.”
I told them that I always wanted a fluffy brown dog named Barkley, and they groaned. “Don’t you have a dream about doing something?” Mark asked. “Like, maybe making good caramel apples?”
That’s pretty rich coming from a kid whose attempt at making a bass guitar was a ripped kleenex box with a broken rubber band on it. On a related note, we had this conversation yesterday:
Mark: Guess who had the best social studies title page in the class?
Me: I’m guessing it wasn’t you.
Mark: You’re right. It wasn’t.
Jake: Me either! I suck at drawing.
Well, it’s good to have an accurate view of your strengths and weaknesses, no?
This has been a strange, very busy week. The kids had a PD day on Monday. Why, you may ask, why did they have the day off when the past Monday was Thanksgiving and why didn’t they have the PD day on the Friday before Thanksgiving the way they always do, why, why, why? Well, they did, and two four-day weeks in a row makes for a strange week. Besides, it’s the Halloween Family Dance tonight and it is, without a question of a doubt, the highlight of the school year for my kids. It’s all downhill from here, guys. I’ve been busy preparing for this as my girlfriend and I are coordinating a silent auction as a fundraiser, and in addition to the usual busyness that accompanies such an event, I’ve also been planning my costume. My friend and I are going as witches. But not like this:
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| Photo from partycity.com. This costume is on sale for FOURTEEN DOLLARS. A steal! |
or this
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| Photo from partycity.com. This is the Sparkle Playboy Witch, which seems like an accurate name. |
or even this.
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| Photo from partycity.com. Wear a good pair of panties if you wear this costume. |
I’m not even sure that last one IS a witch. In any case, we will be regular mom-like witches tonight. At least for the dance…I’m thinking I might break out that $14 outfit for a little private Halloween party, if you know what I’m saying.
I kid. If I’m having a private Halloween party, I’m going to dress up like Fiona from Shrek.
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Photo from partycity.com. I’m not kidding, you guys, this is Fiona from Shrek. GO CHECK OUT THE PARTY CITY WEBSITE CLEARANCE SECTION. It’s a scream! |
I love this time of year. It’s so much fun to look at costume websites and wonder just who is going to order them. They are almost always sold out of at least one size, so people ARE buying them. Clearly I don’t go to enough (or any, really) Halloween parties because I’m always amazed by the costumes. Can you imagine going to a party and seeing this?
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| Photo from partycity.com. This is $105! |
MAYBE one might see this at a key party. Or hey, if you’re undecided this Marvin the Martian outfit is only $35!
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| Photo from partycity.com |
Hilarious, yet kind of depressing, no? Go ahead and look at any costume website; the teen girl section is made up mostly of smaller versions of the skeezy looking women’s section. Whatever happened to getting your mom to make you a dress to look like Morticia Addams?
If I’m being totally honest, I would have totally worn some of those super short costumes when I was a teenager, if buying costumes was a thing back then and if I made more than $4/ hour working at Pizza Hut. I also would have probably given my father a heart attack, but then, that’s what teenage girls are for. Every single time my husband sees a teenage girl, he says “Somewhere, there is a dad going grey.”
I *did* wear a super-short costume like that one year when I was a teenager. I shanghaied a bunch of my friends into dressing up at characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. My (sweet lovely and very accommodating) boyfriend was Dr. Frankenfurter. I was Columbia. I wore a bright red tutu and a bustier, and a sparkly bowler hat. IT WAS SNOWING. Then we went trick or treating and I can’t imagine what people must have thought when six frozen teenagers disguised as cross-dressing prostitutes rang their doorbells on Halloween night. In rural Nova Scotia. In 1995.
It’s a wonder we didn’t get beaten up.
Every one of those costumes would have occasioned the “you’re not leaving the house dressed like that” edict from my mom followed by a shouted argument about how society’s rules are crap and I shouldn’t have to dress dowdy because of what other people might think (insert false righteous anger and unbelievably aggravating teenaged reasoning here). Good times, good times…
I can hardly wait until I have the same screaming arguments with my daughter in 9-10 years.
Truthfully, I’m kind of sorry that I didn’t wear slutty Halloween costumes when my boobs were more perky and my ass was less wide. My boyfriend (sweet lovely and accomodating as Hannah’s) and I did go as cavepeople one year – his Mom whipped me up a cute one-shouldered outfit and then sewed fur to a pair of his underwear for a loincloth. Wow, he really loved me.
Our Halloween dance was last night. I’m glad you’re less of a curmudgeon than I am. Eve had a great time, and that’s all that matters.
“And please don’t say you want two awesome boys and wow, you already have them.” Jake chimed in, “Yeah! That’s what you always say.”
Your boys are funny.
I’m so glad I grew up in the 80s and 90s, when Halloween costumes were not synonymous with “sex worker uniforms.”
You’re making me glad my daughter is only 7.
What the hell? Another PD day? We only had the one on the Friday before thanksgiving because every one who works gets a four day weekend. Sigh.
I won’t lie and say that I wasn’t a sexy nurse one year but it was fitting since I am a nurse and a whore.
Kidding.
I’m only a whore part time.