Full Moon, and Nicole Smash

I think I’m becoming one of those obnoxious people who can tell when the full moon is upon us without looking at the calendar, or who can just tell that Mercury is in retrograde or what have you. So I will blame it on the full moon that yesterday I was in a bit of a rage all day. Looking back on it was like looking back on the days when I had small children. The rage was somewhat akin to when a small child spirals out of control because it’s bathtime and he just wants to take his favourite stuffed animal into the bathroom and then drops it into the tub accidentally and then it has to go into the dryer, stat, but then the child needs to be bathed and keeps drinking the bathwater, and then becomes hysterical when taken out of the bathtub, even though he didn’t want a bath in the first place, and then realizes that his favourite pajamas are in the wash and cannot be retrieved and then due to exhaustion falls over and hits his head on the floor and then is tucked into bed but the story you read was all wrong and the stuffed animal is still in the dryer and nothing will ever be right in the world again and then the child passes out after sobbing about the injustices of life.

I remember those days and in the heat of the moment, in the thick of things, there is nothing at all funny about the situation, but looking back, it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that a rational person could get caught up in the soaked-stuffed-animal-drama, but these things happen, don’t they? And so it is that I’m looking back on yesterday, thinking about all those little metaphorical paper cuts.

I should have known something was up – the full moon! – when I got home from yoga yesterday morning, plugged in the coffee maker, and then, for the first time in history, forgot to turn it on. I made my bed, collected my bathrobe and set out my various moisturizers, makeup, and deodorant the way I do every morning before my shower, and then I went to get a cup of coffee. People, when you get up at 4:30 in the morning, it is imperative that the coffee be made when you need it to be made. I actually picked up the empty coffee pot and was astonished that nothing came out because I forgot to turn it on. I remedied that, stepped into the shower – and this I blame on the lack of caffeine – started to wash my hair with conditioner. I kept wondering what was wrong with the shampoo. Why wasn’t the shampoo foaming? I added more and more conditioner, until I realized my mistake. It’s not the shampoo. It’s me. Suffice it to say I had very soft hair all day.

Between the hair and the coffee I felt a little thrown off for the whole morning, and so maybe, perhaps the customer service people I encountered during the day were not, in retrospect, quite so awful as I think, but maybe they were. One of my errands was to the homeopathic medicine shop.

Bear with me for a moment. I am not, I repeat, AM NOT, inviting a discussion about the flu shot here. I do not want to hear arguments for or against the flu shot, or any discussion about vaccines in general. I am merely stating a fact: I cannot get the flu shot; in lieu of this for the past four years I – and my family – get a homeopathic flu protocol that has protected us from getting the flu.

And again I will interrupt my own discourse for a moment for a public service announcement: the FLU is not the same thing as a STOMACH VIRUS even though people universally refer to STOMACH VIRUS as the STOMACH FLU or sometimes, incorrectly, as the FLU. A stomach virus is not the flu. And so when I say “the homeopathic flu protocol has protected us from getting the flu” and you say “but remember last year when you were barfing and sick and lost all that weight and then the boys got it?” NO. It is not the same thing. NOROVIRUS IS NOT THE FLU. No amount of homeopathic flu protocols or flu shots or whatever hoo-ha you may do to avoid the flu will help you avoid NOROVIRUS AND/OR OTHER STOMACH VIRUSES. Sorry for yelling, but really. Public service announcement over.

Where was I? Oh yes, I was obtaining a homeopathic flu protocol. In the past there have been two parts to this protocol, and one of those parts, apparently, has changed this year. I asked the lady at the counter, who you would think would be eager to supply information to someone who is IN the homeopathic shop and who is obviously (or obvi, as my kids say) on board with the whole homeopathic thing. The woman was, shall we say, less than forthcoming with information. I kept pressing her, “But what does this DO, specifically?” She had a bit of a frown on her face as she kept saying, sternly, “It STRENGTHENS your IMMUNITY.” Now, I am a sucker for anything that STRENGTHENS my IMMUNITY – you should see how many vitamins and supplements I take on a daily basis, hoo boy – but if I’m going to be paying $40 for a tincture, I would like a little more information about said tincture, especially since this tincture was never used before with the flu protocol. I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW IT WORKS. I recognize that customer service people often have to deal with the lowest common denominator, but some of us CAN comprehend more difficult concepts. I feel this same way when those dreadful people come to the door trying to get natural gas customers to sign up for fixed rates, and then they get all dismissive when I say I’m not interested. I used to work in the structured products market, I’m not just some idiot of a kept woman, here, I know how hedging works thank-you-very-much. Go try your luck on the elderly.

After my extraordinarily frustrating experience at the homeopathic shop, I went to Future Shop to purchase a movie. Now, I rarely, if ever, purchase movies at actual stores, I do online shopping whenever possible. However, my husband’s birthday is coming up quickly and Jake wanted to buy his dad a superhero movie they could watch together. I didn’t have time to waste with shipping, etc., and so I headed to Future Shop, also known as The Worst Place For Customer Service Ever. First of all, I will admit to my own errors. I did not realize that the movie I wanted to buy – and yes, I do have my OWN reasons for wanting this movie in my house (Hugh Jackman) – was not yet in stores. I should have done more research. However! I walked into Future Shop, was greeted by a young man. I looked around the overwhelming store for a few minutes, wondering if the single aisle of “movies, TV shows, etc” was really all that giant store had. One aisle. Finally I approached the young man.

Me: Excuse me, I’m looking for a movie. I’m wondering if you could help me find it?

Douchey Employee: *points*

Me: Yes, I can’t find what I’m looking for. I’m not even sure if this is the right section.

DE: The movies are RIGHT THERE. That HUGE display? RIGHT THERE.

Me: *sharply* YES. I see. But I cannot find what I’m looking for. The Wolverine movie. Do you have it?

DE: The movies are right there.

Me: I DON’T SEE IT THERE.

DE: I GUESS I could look it up. *goes to computer, types in “Wolvierene* There’s no movie.

Me: *looking at the screen* I think you misspelled it.

DE: Well, how DO you spell it?

Me: W-O-L-V-E-R-I-N-E

DE: Oh. It’s not available in stores. You can pre-order it online.

Me: *sets store on fire*

Later, the day would redeem itself, but only when I picked up my calendar, counted the days, realized that it’s not just the full moon that’s affecting my mood, decided that since it was a full moon and there was no yoga the next day, I could indulge in a couple of glasses of wine, even if it WAS a Thursday. That turned things around.