Monthly Archives: September 2013

Snuggie Sex!

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It’s been a beautiful, unseasonably warm September, and I’ve been enjoying it thoroughly; it has managed to stave off the sinking feeling of doom that comes with the seemingly endless winter that Calgary generally has. I find winters to be difficult what with my Reynaud’s syndrome and my poor circulation and, well, my love of warmth. Even though September has been beautiful, I’ve been going through my wintery items; new mittens (“the warmest mittens on the market” the salesgirl told me), scarves, sweaters, and boots. My mother-in-law knitted me thick woolly legwarmers and last year I bought a calf-length coat, so I should be good to go. The only thing I don’t have is a Snuggie.

Have you seen the commercial for the blanket with sleeves? Who knew that slipping and sliding was such a problem with blankets? Not me. I’m tempted to get a Snuggie, though, because of this book:



Photo from Amazon

You guys, the Snuggie Sutra! THE SNUGGIE SUTRA. Erotic Fun in Your Blanket With Sleeves. There are just so many amazing things about this – as my friend Jen said, someone wrote this book, someone tested this book, and someone published this book! IT’S ALL VERY MIND BLOWING. I feel like I need this book in my life because how will I go on without it? I kind of love how there is a disclaimer that this book is not affiliated with the Snuggie corporation, but was aroused by it. Why don’t I have this book? There are only 10 left in stock at Amazon, maybe I should just go ahead and order it. My friend Nan thinks that a Snuggie is probably a boner-killer, but I am willing to test this theory. Guess what I’m wearing under this Snuggie. NOTHING.

Who am I kidding? The first thing I would do if I had a Snuggie was probably curl up on the couch with a glass of wine and a DVD of NYPD Blue. Although…that might be enough to get me in the mood for Snuggie sex. There’s nothing hotter than watching Sipowicz threaten to beat down a perp, am I right? Well…maybe not.

I was thinking how much I adore my husband for so many reasons, not the least of which because last Christmas he completely surprised me by buying me the DVD’s for Say Anything and The Breakfast Club. What a guy! I was thinking of watching a little don’t you, forget about me because of this fun little article: 15 Things You Didn’t Know About The Breakfast Club. It’s true, I didn’t know any of those things! You find a way to study, mister. In the physics club, we talk about physics.

FYI for teenaged girls, don’t date the Hall boys.

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I’m really glad my ladies’ holidays aren’t coming up anytime soon, because my goodness I am an emotional girl this week; it would be pretty bad if I threw some hormones into the mix. Part of it, maybe, is the fact that my kids are now in the “big kid” section of the school, far away from the office so it’s really hard to just casually saunter past their classrooms and sneak a peek at them, which, looking at it objectively, is probably a good thing because they do not enjoy me sneaking a peek at them. I shouldn’t group them together, really, because Mark doesn’t actually mind. Jake, however, does. “Why did you WAVE at me? I’m supposed to be WORKING, not getting distracted.” Even in lineup in the mornings, I fist bump him and then back the hell off, because that kid does not want any extra attention from his mother, JAY-SUS. If I do attempt a wave while he’s lined up, he raises his chin slightly in what I take to be the world’s smallest head nod in acknowledgement. What is he going to be like as a teenager? A total dick, I’m guessing. I said this to my friend this morning who answered cheerfully, “Well, you always predicted that!” True.

I was grocery shopping yesterday and found myself teary-eyed and verklempt at the sight of young mamas with their babies and toddlers in the produce section. I heard the mamas talking to their little ones in the same way I did, in a previous era, when I had to put lipstick marks into the palms of small hands instead of fist bumping while walking through the compound. This is a lemon. It’s yellow! Look at this pretty red apple. It’s so red and round! Let’s put five in the bag. 1…2…3…4…5…I stared at the banana display for a while, swallowing hard. Thank god no one picked up a cucumber and pretended to tickle their toddler with it because if that had happened I would STILL be curled up on the floor singing Landslide* to myself. And if you see my reflection in a snow covered hill…Fortunately later in the day I found myself buying printer paper in Walmart and witnessing a complete toddler meltdown in the school supply aisle, complete with flopping boneless body and ear-piercing shrieks. I smiled sympathetically at the frazzled young mother and tried not to click my heels in joy as I went to pick up my big kids at the big kid doors at school.

Well, they’re not that big, I guess, since I haven’t yet started writing blog posts about teenage girls and the behavioural standards required to date my sons. Eeee. Can you imagine what kind of mother-in-law that woman will be? Here’s an FYI for teenage girls: do NOT date one of the Hall boys. RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION if one of them asks for your phone number. Do boys still ask for your phone number these days? Or do they just look you up on Facebook? But I digress. Truly, just think how overbearing poor beleaguered Mrs. Hall must be, and I can only guess that this is not something that will improve with time. Girls, if you become a “young Mrs. Hall”, you will be doomed for a life of in-law misery. You will never be able to vacuum often enough, is what I’m saying.

Things are tough for teenage girls these days, what with the striving to be the hottest bitch in this place and the expectation that one must stay up ALL DAMN NIGHT to get lucky. In my day, we just expressed ourselves or Vogued. Speaking of which, last night I was cleaning up the kitchen and Papa Don’t Preach came on. I cranked the volume and sang along; the boys reacted with complete and utter silence. Perhaps they were struck mute with awe? Moments later they went outside where they climbed our big Mayday tree and jumped down repeatedly. I didn’t think my singing was that bad.

*see, Sarah, I think we’re even on the Landslide references

I’ll be making another to-do list after this post.

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As I sat down to write this, I realized that this is my 600th post! My gracious, I have had a lot to say. I’ve been writing this since 2008, when the boys were both in preschool and the first day of school looked like this:


And now it looks like this:

And just to be sure you appreciate how much they’ve stretched:


I feel like I should say something emotional and touching about the fleeting nature of time, but damn, I’m feeling like I’ve been flung into a first-day-of-school-suddenly-huge-to-do-list tornado. How did that happen? Just yesterday I curled up on the couch to read a book for hours; currently I’m feeling like a hummingbird on speed. MUST DO ALL THE THINGS IMMEDIATELY.

Speaking of to-do lists, my husband was reading something on personality types, and he hilariously realized, after eleven years of marriage, what “type” I am.

Mr: Wow, you’re really a Type A.

Me: I know.

Mr: You and all your lists. You’re exactly a Type A.

Me: I know.

Mr: No, I mean, you have every trait on this list.

Me: I KNOW.

Mr: “Obsessed with time management”, “rigidly organized”, “want people to get to the point”, “always try to help others”, “impatient”.

Me: I’m not impatient!

Mr: *hysterical laughter*

It’s true, anyway, which is why I’m making lists upon lists about every little thing I have to do over the next six weeks and it seems like a lot right now. It’s the September rush, I guess, and we’re all into it. This happens to me every year, and it’s why I learned after Mark’s kindergarten year that I should say no to being on every single committee.

In any case, the boys are pleased to be back at school. They are in conjoined classrooms, which is nice for them – they can see each other but still be fairly autonomous. They are with the exact opposite teachers that I thought they would be with, but that’s okay; they each have good friends in their classes. So far, so good.

The dog, though. The poor puppy. He’s slumped into his usual back-to-school depression, with the realization that going forward his days are going to be spent exclusively with the least interesting person in the house. When I came home after drop off, he went outside and lay in the sun for a few hours; a squirrel was in our yard and even made it out alive, that’s how depressed he is. Not to worry, if history is any indication of the future, Barkley will perk up soon and find many small animals and/or birds to kill/ eat/ and have me pick up in various forms, crying.

Since it’s my 600th post, I feel like I should do something to show my appreciation to you, my dear readers. Another giveaway, perhaps? I do not know what the prize will be. A Starbucks gift card? Chocolates? An old economics textbook? Kidding, the shipping on that would be murder. To enter this random, prize-to-be-determined giveaway, leave a comment about any of the following: what personality type you are, what topics do you like to read about on this blog, do you prefer sweet things or salty things, or just say hi! Name to be drawn September 13! Friday the 13th….spooooookyyyy. xoxo