Okay, okay. I wrote my last post and then had an avalanche of people ask me WHY John Cusack wasn’t included. Even my husband – my husband! – read the post and asked why John Cusack wasn’t on the list. Here’s the truth: I forgot about poor John Cusack. Poor Lloyd Dobler. I blame the book fair.
There. Now I feel better.
As of Saturday, I am officially finished my Christmas shopping – including stocking stuffers and the photo calendars we order for the grandparents and various others who I think need to look at a photo of my children every single day. Look at them! They are adorable! I normally try to get my shopping done by mid-November for the simple reason that I loathe the mall, especially at Christmas. All those people shopping for Christmas cheer that have a decided lack of it, who would drive over their own grandmother for a parking space. I like to keep my festive happiness intact, and so I finish my shopping early. This does not mean that I won’t be visiting Staples today, in an attempt to find the elusive Christmas-themed printer paper. Why is it so difficult to find? Nan not-so-gently suggested that perhaps I am having a difficult time finding it because it is no longer 1996. Oh Nan! But how am I to send out my annual super boring Christmas letter if I have no Christmas themed paper? My relatives and in-laws depend on my super boring updates. Must I write them on plain paper? Must I draw my own poinsettias? This is wrong on many levels. BRING BACK THE CHRISTMAS PRINTER PAPER.
Speaking of shopping, this morning I was in the grocery store and it is a miracle I made it back alive. I knew I was in trouble when I was choosing a cart and a busload of old women swanned in. I live in a senior-heavy neighbourhood, and once in a while there will be a little shuttle bus bringing people – women, mostly – from the seniors complex to do their grocery shopping. This is not a good day to be in the grocery store. The aisles were crowded with very slow moving old ladies carefully looking at the different types of baked beans (more than usual), complaining about the lack of mandarin oranges, and crowding the deli counter looking for a particular type of ham. Sadly, there was only one checkout open, and the lineup of old ladies behind me was quite long. The old lady directly behind me persisted in pushing her cart into the back of my legs, causing me to develop a severe case of grocery store rage. Push. Push. Push. I could hear her complain, as I unloaded my perfectly-reasonable amount of groceries, about the fact that the bus driver would be back at ten o’clock, and she would never make it out of the lineup on time, due to my excessive number of items. I glanced at my watch. It was 9:35.
I remember my grandma being like that as well. Once when we were visiting, my brother and I were supposed to take her to church, which was directly across the street from her seniors complex. And by directly across the street, I mean that it was a two minute walk away, at the very maximum. My brother and I showed up at her building thirty minutes before church was to start, only to find her sitting in the lobby, steaming. “We’re going to be LATE,” she reprimanded us.
I briefly considered letting the old lady go ahead of me, as I often do. However, a) she was with a gaggle of other old ladies, and I didn’t really want to let five of them go ahead of me, and b) I was seriously irritated with the fact that she was still repeatedly, but possibly unwittingly, pushing her cart into the back of my legs. However, karma hit me right in the face when the very slow witted but super chatty carryout guy started to bag my groceries. I took a deep breath and braced myself for the usual onslaught of chat, and it exactly covered the topics I expected: my children and their school, the cold weather on the weekend, and Stampede Wrestling. My status with the slow witted carryout guy is quite high since I once told him that I know a former Stampede Wrestler. It’s a rarefied existence I lead.
I also forgot John Cusack. I must hang my head in shame.
Grocery store rage is a real thing. I reserve it for people who bump into other people they know and park their carts in the aisle so they can chat. And get annoyed when you ask them to please move because they are invariably standing in front of The Thing You Need.
Man, I haven’t even thought about Christmas shopping yet. I just about died when I came to the realization that this week is the American thanksgiving. Yea, my husband is a half breed and his mullet sporting mother cooks a very dry turkey. Which is good since my gallbladder is kicking my ass…so I have an excuse not to eat it.
Boom.
grocery baggers…for some reason that makes me giggle.
I’m about halfway done with my Christmas shopping. Have to get family pictures done and ordered. Then I will be finished.
John Cusack….. sigh, he’s a forever, not a freebie 😉 I don’t even want to think about Christmas shopping yet (I think the Shoppers in Chinook is open Christmas day isn’t it?) Grocery shopping rage is real and Costco rage is even worse!
Oh, indeed: I just ASSUMED John Cusack. No need to specifically mention him.
I’ve seen Christmas printer paper at Target. I haven’t seen it this year, but nor have I looked for it.
I used to work as a secretary at a senior’s place. The mailman came at 11:00 most days. The lobby was packed by 10:30. For the freaking mail.
YOU ARE A TEASE! Who is this former Stampede Wrestler with whom you are acquainted & how do you know him?
It’s so nice that you wrote “Nan not-so-gently suggested…” and not the more accurate, but less polite “Nan was a snarky bitch about my needing thematic paper and now I will refuse to send her a Christmas letter. The bitch.” Please send me a letter — I’m sorry. I’m REALLY sorry.
I think hand-drawn Christmas paper would be cool. Martha Stewart cool. It could start a trend. It occurs to me that you might want to buy more paper than you need this year so you’re prepared next year. Brilliant, no?
Your grocery store story had me in such a rage that I wanted you to yell at the woman to back-off. It’s probably best that it wasn’t me there. You are saintly.
I saw Christmas paper at the Staples last week – it was crazy expensive, but adorable. Hope you found some.
As for the grocery store, I snorted. You have made me snort. (Possible epitaph? Here lies Nicole: She made people snort.)
How is it that when I go to the grocery store, all that happens is that I get bitter because there is never any ground turkey? Next time you’re in town I’m taking you to the Superstore for certain adventure.
The horror. If you forget John Cusack, the book fair wins.
I think some asshole at Staples is hiding all the Christmas-themed paper every time he sees you coming. It ain’t right.