The Royal Wedding, or The Reason I’m Going To A 2:30 a.m. Tea Party

So THE wedding is tomorrow and I’m sure I’m not the only person bourgeois and/or pedestrian enough to be excited about it.  Hey, I’m a Canadian girl.  One of my fondest memories is when, thirty years ago, my grandma woke me up at four in the morning to watch The Wedding with her, and although that marriage was clearly doomed and also somewhat of a sham, it was endlessly fascinating to me.  I was completely enamoured with Princess Diana and for years after I received something Diana-related for every birthday and Christmas: glossy coffee table books outlining her (somewhat frumpy) fashions, Royal Family scrapbooks, and a paper doll book, the (somewhat frumpy) clothing I patiently, painstakingly, cut out with safety scissors.  Do you remember how many lace points were on her wedding dress?  I cut every single one of them out with safety scissors. 

So of course I’m going to get up early to watch the wedding.  In fact, a very sweet friend of mine is having a 2:45 am tea party to commemorate the occasion.  My grandma phoned me last week and mentioned that one of her Red Hatter friends is coming over in the wee hours to watch with her, so I feel the circle has been completed. 

As an aside, my grandma is one of those people who thrives on very little sleep, even now.  When I was a kid, I could get up at any time of the night, and my grandma would be at her dining room table, smoking and drinking coffee and doing a crossword puzzle.  There was always something very comforting about that.  I think it would be the same now, except my grandma quit smoking – cold turkey – after more than six decades of being a heavy smoker.  An amazing woman, the strongest woman I know. 

I love weddings.  I love them in spite of all the icky, anti-feminist, bride-as-a-piece-of-property-being-passed-along traditions that are at any wedding.  I just try not to think much about such traditions.  If you think too much about them you might just go crazy deciphering the fertility symbols, virgin-whites, and property-exchange that are at the bottom of most wedding rituals.  It’s better just to sit back and enjoy the happiness and wedding cake.

One of my husband’s young colleagues is getting married in a couple of months.  I wanted to pass along my completely unsolicited advice for any bride who may be enduring typical bridal stress regarding flower arrangements and centrepieces.  There are only three things anyone will remember at a wedding: what the bride looked like, if the food was good, and if there were too many speeches or bad dance music.  Those are the only three things that brides really need to concern themselves with, in my opinion.  I remember one wedding I attended where the very drunk best man monopolized the microphone for thirty-five minutes, telling incredibly inappropriate and frankly, pretty gross stories about the groom.  I was at another wedding in which they had an open mike.  Future brides, take note: this is a very bad idea.  Especially if open mike is combined with open bar. 

But I’m sure Kate is probably stressed about more than those three things given that she is going to be a) filmed and photographed within an inch of her life and b) marrying the future King of England.  Also, she is the subject of much artwork.  I am amazed at the sheer volume of artwork and commemorative items cropping up depicting the two of them, and sometimes, creepily, the three of them, if you include the late Princess Diana.  Some of this artwork is lovely, of course, but some?  I am the least artistic person in the world; if I were to draw a picture of the happy couple it would be a stick man and woman, with maybe an apple tree in the background.  But some of this artwork is so truly horrendous it is actually kind of kitchy.  Quilts!  Dolls!  Tea cozies!  Frankly, I’m surprised I haven’t seen an engagement portrait made entirely out of spray-painted macaroni noodles, with Princess Di floating in the background.

There is one commemorative item I am truly dying to have: Crown Jewels Commemorative Condoms.  Their slogan is Lie Back and Think of England.  I mean, how absolutely great is that?  I especially love the disclaimer at the bottom:

Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are not supplied to, or approved by, Prince William of Wales, Catherine Middleton or any member of the Royal Family.

Crown Jewels Royal Wedding Souvenir Condoms are a novelty condom not suitable for contraception or protection against STDs 

 

Duly noted.