Censorship: Dire Straits, Little House, and Huckleberry Finn

Did you hear that “Money for Nothing” is now banned on Canadian radio stations?  Banned!  This is incredibly startling news for me, given that the song originally came out in 1985.  So, twenty-six years later, it has been decided that the word “faggot” – when used by derogatory men who are moving the singer’s fantastic possessions including but not limited to a colour TV and a microwave oven  – is unacceptable and the song must be taken off the air.  Really.  Have you heard “Shake That” by Eminem?  It is possibly the freakiest song ever, given the details about a) getting so drunk that one barfs and then gets drunk again, immediately, b) going to a strip club, c) popping the date rape drug into one of the strippers champagne glasses, d) looking for a slut to fuck in a Hummer truck.  Among other things.  As far as I know, that song is still on the radio, but the word “fuck” is censored.  Thank goodness we have standards.
Censorship is a sticky subject.  Clearly hatred and derogatory terms are not acceptable in this day and age, but is retroactively changing art and literature a fix?  There’s a whole debate currently raging about changing parts of Huckleberry Finn, a novel I never liked, but recognize its importance in American literature.  Is sanitizing art really the thing to do?
Here’s the thing: the n-word currently is used in nearly every hip-hop song by Kanye West and Jay-Z, and a lot of other artists whose names I do not know because I’m pretty out of the loop and I mostly listen to radio stations that play songs like the Pina Colada song and Margaritaville.  Also that song Santa Maria, about everyone on the yacht getting loaded.  I hear that song all the time.  But if the n-word is erased from Huckleberry Finn, then shouldn’t it be taken from rap and hip-hop songs?  Where does it stop?  Should that entire musical genre be banned?
I remember reading Laura Ingalls Wilder books when I was a child.  There was a lot of abject racism in those books, especially in Little House on the Prairie, where the Ingalls family moves to Indian Territory.  The plot of the book is that settlers move to Kansas to take the land from the Indians, and are pretty angry that they are forced to move at the end of the book, as the land is going to remain with the Indians.  There is a lot of fear and hatred in that book.  There are a lot of non-flattering descriptions in that book, about Indians wearing skunk pelts and smelling badly, about Indians stealing all the corn bread and Pa’s tobacco, about terrifying war cries keeping the Ingalls family awake at night. 
But yet it is a time piece.  Those feelings were real.  Those things did happen; settlers did fear and, possibly, hate Indians, white settlers believed that the land was inherently theirs and not the Indians’.  The whites in the book say frequently that the only good Indian is a dead Indian, which is horrifying to modern ears.  But what I also remember about that book is that Pa realizes that there are good people and bad people, whites and Indians both, and he shows immense respect for one person in particular, referred to as the “Osage”.  I remember the Osage catching and killing a panther that was on the prowl. 
“Laura asked if a panther would carry off a little papoose and kill and eat her, too, and Pa said yes.  Probably that was why the Indian had killed that panther.”
Despite the racist undertones, there is a thread of common humanity in that book.  Reading this book today, it strikes me that it is better to use art and literature as tools to teach about the roots of racism – fear and ignorance come to mind – rather than erase and sanitize.   What do you think?

Where the hell is my invincible summer?

“Mom!  It’s going to be hot outside!” Jake shrieked from the living room this morning, where the seven-day weather forecast was being shown on the “news”.  “Look!  It says it’s going to be sunny!”  I had to explain the difference between sunny and actual heat, but the conversation didn’t really take and I have to admit that my children are dyed-in-the-wool Calgarians and will one day be possibly jogging in shorts in sub-zero temperatures.  But it’s sunny!  So what if my legs are purple and my knees are shot?  The SUN IS SHINING!
I will admit the blue sky does look pretty.
This week is a typical one for January in Calgary, frigidly cold and windy.  I seem to be spiraling into the true definition of insanity as I keep checking the online weather forecast, only to find that it is exactly the same as when I last checked it thirty minutes ago.  Evidently I think that if I just refresh that forecast enough times, eventually it will be different.  Meanwhile I’m constantly wearing a coat that looks like a comforter with a belt and a hood, and I actually ordered – get this – SOREL BOOTS.  They’re cute Sorel boots, but still.  I can’t wait for their arrival as my current winter boots are just not getting the job done.  It’s fricking freezing , Mr. Bigglesworth. 
In other news, Mark asked me last night what the word “sperm” meant.  I’m glad I took a moment to reflect and ask him why he was asking, since the word was being used in conjunction with “whale”.  That was close.  Can you imagine the trauma?  One minute he’s talking about his new favourite animal, and the next minute his mother is talking about reproductive systems?  “And then when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…” “Gross!  What does that have to do with whales?”   
I’m not sure what’s going on, but since school started last week Mark has been permanently stuck on “chatter”.  The child will not stop talking.  Every single sentence starts with “Hey Mom!” and unfortunately that is repeated until I respond.  “Hey Mom hey Mom hey Mom hey Mom”.  Finally I will respond, remembering to be very kind in my voice and not at all show irritation because he is trying to communicate with me and I want to be a very good mother, even though he will not stop talking, and he will spew out a fact about whales, eagles, his toy tiger named Tigie and his imaginary trip around the globe, or Bakugan.  Alternately he will completely forget what he was going to say, only to start over again in sixty seconds or less.  It’s a bit tiring. 
But it’s nice too.  It’s nice that there is so much he wants to share with me, and I’m trying to remember to be present in the moment, even if the moment is filled with “Fun Facts” and pulling on layer after layer of winter clothing, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my Sorel boots.
Fun Fact: Did you know that killer whales are part of the dolphin family?  I did.

Makeup, Wine, and Say Anything

I live in a neighbourhood with a lot of senior citizens, so I’m pretty used to opening my mailbox to find flyers from McInnis and Holloway about planning my own funeral so that things will go just the way I imagine.  Not that I imagine my funeral much, but it’s nice to know that the funeral people are so accommodating. 
These flyers unnerve me a bit, but on Thursday I opened my mail to find something much more disturbing: an envelope addressed specifically to me, containing a subscription card to a magazine catering and celebrating “older women.”  Ahem.  I have a feeling this has something to do with my recently purchased subscription to Chatelaine, which confirms my status as a suburban Canadian mom.  I’m reading the recipes and beauty hints, people.  I actually considered making red velvet cupcakes with beets – a superfood! – but then remembered that cupcakes are sacred and that vegetables should not be pureed into them.  Especially beets.
But back to celebrating older women.  I like older women.  I think that there are few things more beautiful than a face with smile lines and happy wrinkles.  I truly think that inner beauty starts to show externally as we age.  However, I don’t consider myself an older woman just yet.  Give me a few years, magazine people!

I have been feeling fairly youthful this week – despite a conversation with some friends with regards to fruitily-scented makeup phenomenons of our early years.  Does anyone remember Kissing Potion?  Ah, you couldn’t really say you had arrived until you smeared your lips with that gooey, chemical strawberry-flavoured liquid.  It’s been probably twenty-five years since my Kissing Potion days, although I have remained a lipgloss and lipstick junkie to this day. 

Are you a makeup person?  I most definitely am.  I am such a makeup person that I’m surprised that not everyone else is.  One of my good friends, who is lovely, almost never wears makeup and I was shocked to discover this.  I just assumed, because she is so pretty, that she wore makeup, but on close examination and questioning, I discovered she doesn’t.  Then I discovered that many, many women, whose lovely faces I admire, never wear makeup!  It was honestly a shocking discovery.  Before you think that I am being crazy and vain and obviously my own insecurities are driving my makeup addiction, let me tell you what happened the one time I showed up at school drop-off makeup free and with my hair in a ponytail.  Five – FIVE – people came up to me and asked if I was okay.  Wow, you look tired today!  That’s something no woman wants to hear.

But there is a reason I’m feeling youthful, and if you know me at all, you may be shocked to learn that I have given up drinking wine on weekdays.  I know!  I’m saving all my love, for yooouuuu, and by you I mean the weekend, and by love, I mean wine.  I have to say, I had a lot more energy this week and I’m attributing it to that.  My husband suggested that I drink a week’s worth of wine in one night and then live-blog.  Despite the entertainment value that such a scheme would possess, I just don’t think I’m up to drinking eight glasses in one sitting. 

Apropos of nothing, “Saving All My Love For You” has reminded me of that great Whitney classic “Greatest Love of All.”  One of my favourite movie moments ever: in Say Anything, the graduation scene where the guy is singing that song?  “They can’t take away MY DIGNITY.”  Alas, my dignity was gone with this post when I brought up Kissing Potion.

*EDITED TO ADD*
I was just voted Site of the Week over at Canadian Moms!  I’m so excited!  Thanks, everyone over at that fabulous site!  Love you guys!

All the cool kids are doing it!

And so will I – a Year in Review.  Yes, I know it is the sixth of January and most year in reviews have already been posted, but I was far too busy writing about people who eat toilet paper and watching When Harry Met Sally.

So what happened in 2010 over at the Boy House?

January

I made a resolution to learn how to bake bread, and did so immediately, learning two important things: a) baking bread is not as hard as I thought it would be, and b) the key to New Year Resolution Success is to aim low.

I also ranted about the weird things people say to pregnant women and posted a picture of me with an extra seventy pounds to love.

Yowza.  I still had seven weeks to go at that point.  SEVEN WEEKS.
February
We got really, really excited about the Olympics.  We also went on our first ever winter vacation and became a parody of Canadians as the kids got off the plane wearing t-shirts emblazoned with Team Canada logos, and instantly started running around shrieking in amazement, “Mom, look!  There are FLOWERS!  And they’re REAL!  And the grass is GREEN!  And there’s no SNOW!”
March
Mark turned six!  I had my usual crises with regards to birthday party planning and Daylight Savings Time.  I cleaned out the office and found a whole box of mix tapes, some labeled “Party Mix” and one that was made for my husband from one of his old girlfriends that included songs from Richard Marx.  Hee.

April

I turned 35!  I celebrated by chaperoning on a field trip to the firehall, and cemented my cougar-like status by volunteering to try on the firefighter outfit, discovering just how heavy said outfit is, and actually saying to the young and attractive firefighter “Wow, you guys must be in great shape.”  Coo-coo-coo-choo, Mrs. Robinson.  It also snowed a lot and I wrote about attractive movie characters who would be terrible to be married to, i.e., Ralph Fiennes in the English Patient.


My friend lent me a tiara for my birthday, fulfilling my lifelong dream of birthday crown-wearing.

May
Jake’s pre-Kindergarten class had a Mother’s Day tea in which they sang a song that went “May there always be sunshine, may there always be blue skies, may there always be mama, may there always be me”, and I still tear up thinking about it.  I also cried a lot thinking about this Tim Horton’s commercial and I got way too excited about the woman with the MBA with a concentration in economics winning Miss USA.  Clearly May is an emotional roller-coaster of a month for me.
It was still snowing in May.
June
It was really cold.  On Father’s Day weekend – and Super Soccer Saturday weekend – I attended a yoga weekend workshop.  Happy Father’s Day!  Now take care of the kids all weekend.  The kids finished school and my husband came up with a plan in case my kids ever decide to be protesters at a G-20 Summit. 
My two favourite pictures of Mark ever taken.  He’s getting his groove on at the end-of-school-Stampede-breakfast.  Note that it is June and Jake is wearing his fleece jacket.

July
It was raining and cold and I decided to make yarn octopuses, which turned out as well as any craft I make does.  Terribly.  We went to the Okanagan for some sunshine.  The cold and rain made me become Miss Carpe Diem, and so any day with slightly above average temperatures had me running the kids to the pool.
The yarn octopuses, Moppy and Bum, doing a duet of Heart and Soul.
August
It was still cold and rainy.  I wrote a lot about fashion, especially the jeans with zippered ankles that came out that made me feel like I was wearing turquoise slacks and a coordinating blouse, hobbling around with my walker and my Scotch mints, with a tissue in my sleeve.  Also – and my friend just reminded me of this yesterday – I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said “Vagitarian”.  I still laugh evilly thinking about it.  Vagitarian.  Says the guy who lives in his mom’s basement.
September
Mark started Grade One and Jake started Kindergarten.  We got hardwood installed by two attractive young whipper-snappers which led to many “hardwood” jokes.  Also I came home to find that they had taken out my drawers to move my dresser with ease, and my panty drawer was proudly on display for all to see.  So I had to show my panties to get hardwood.  Hee.  Also, Jake turned five!
Too cool for school!  Note the boxes of hardwood at right.
October
In typical October fashion we seemed to have a lot of viruses, dead squirrels, and excitement about Halloween.  Also I went on a two-night vacation with my husband and no kids!  And we all survived!  Actually the boys had the time of their lives and still talk about how awesome it was that Grandma picked them up at school.
Boo, I’m a scary witch!  For real.
November
It snowed a lot, I got ready for Christmas, I ran the Scholastic Book Fair, Mark barfed.  That pretty much sums up November.
A foam finger!  It says “We’re #1 – bp”.

December
I blogged almost exclusively about Christmas, Christmas songs, Christmas baking, and my new awesome sexy bitch boots.

Whew!  If you’re still reading this, thank you!!!  So 2010 was a great year, and here’s to a wondeful 2011 for all of us.

Reality TV, or Signs of the Apocalypse

I frequently think that nothing is more indicative to the downfall of society as reality television.  I’m always, always startled to think that these shows are being watched by someone.  For example, it has come to my attention that there is a new show coming out featuring people who, among other things, like to eat toilet paper and taste dish soap.  Really.  Wasn’t the concept of putting people in a house together to fight and hot tub and copulate and compete for a spouse who would never actually turn out to be a spouse bad enough?  Now there are shows about people with dramatically peculiar eating habits?  This is the reason I like Jeopardy.  Virtually everything else on television is a scary indictor of the apocalypse.  Plus I like to fantasize that I’m actually on Jeopardy.  I like to think about what I would wear if I was a contestant (probably a black sweater).  I like to imagine myself saying “I’m going to make this a true Daily Double, Alex.”  Alas, I would probably never win at Jeopardy given my poor knowledge of US history and presidents. 
Another indication that the four horses are going to come riding in at any minute is the proliferation of drivel-like magazines lining the checkout counter at Wal-Mart.  Yesterday the kids were back at school and so I dropped them off to go pick up light bulbs, Kleenex, and dish soap (that I am not tempted to taste in the least.  Who are these people, anyway?).  Hilariously, I ran into several other moms who were shopping for similar items, proving once again that we stay-at-home moms are a glamourous people, we who upon shaking off the shackles of child care immediately head towards the allure of the roll-back.  In the lineup, I saw the following headlines: 1) Someone named Heidi is having more plastic surgery, 2) Dr. Oz has a “#1 Fat Cure”, and 3) No matter what they say, Oprah and Gayle are totally lesbians.  My reaction?  1) Who is this Heidi?, 2) “Fat CURE”?  Does the word “cure” seem strange to anyone else?  3) Why is it relevant in any way to anyone if Oprah and Gayle are, in fact, lovers?  WHO CARES? 
So I stood there in line feeling like my brain cells were rapidly disintegrating, a feeling that seemed to be confirmed soon after when I smiled to myself at the abandoned items that were grouped together at the next till.  Really, one should not laugh, but I found myself laughing on the inside at the still-life grouping of a Heavy Duty Rubber Sheet, a box of Extra-Large Depends, and a gigantic container of Sour Patch Kids. 
Maybe I need my own reality show.  Real Housewives of Calgary Who Like Jeopardy and Laugh at Stupid Things at Wal-Mart.

I hate you, Harry. I really hate you.

Happy New Year!  How did you spend New Year’s Eve?  After taking the kids out for a very early dinner and putting them to bed at the regular time my husband, in what can only be described as an overwhelming display of love and affection, watched When Harry Met Sally with me, while I, in an overwhelming display of self-restraint, did not repeat the dialogue word for word.  Then I went to bed at the wild hour of 10:30.
Today has been a very pleasant day, started with a nice Bailey’s and coffee, and filled with doing small but satisfying jobs of organization.  Yesterday I left my chaotic and slightly cabin-fevered household to go to the mall and I was faced with the amazing phenomenon that is Boxing Week.  Christmas cards 75% off!  Lingerie and sleepwear 70% off!  Jacob – 50% off the entire store!  I’ve mentioned before that I’m neither a Handbag nor a Shoe Person, but I am a Sweater Person and so I spent some time clearing my dresser of various ill-fitting and worn out items to make room for my new purchases, despite my husband’s assertion that I probably did not need any more black sweaters.  There is no such thing as Too Many Black Sweaters, I say. 
I also performed a job that I was not relishing but needed to be done: clearing the artwork off the refrigerator.  I kid you not; I took 112 pieces of artwork off the fridge.  One hundred and twelve.  Then I became instantly emotional at the sight of my actual fridge and put 32 back on.  I feel for those people who are hoarders.  Mark may have drawn 25 pictures of Muk Muk and his (fictional) little brother Muk Mike, but every single one of them is adorable to me.  And Jake’s drawing of a Thanksgiving turkey alongside his depictions of alien invasions?  Priceless.  I know that eventually some of them will need to live out their lives in our recycling bin, but I’m not ready for that job.
I know I already stated my New Year’s resolution – to enjoy my friendships, socialize, and drink more wine (with friends), but then I heard of a friend of my husband’s, whose resolution was to make one person happy every day and then by the time ten years passed, she will have made the population of a small town happy!  Beautiful, right?  I immediately resolved to do that as well but then started overanalyzing: would it count if you made the same people happy over and over?  Do you have to make a different person happy every day?  What if you don’t make it out of the house one day and you see no one?  Do you need to make two people happy the next day?  My mind started spinning out of control, making this lovely notion into a complex obligation.  However, I still think it’s a beautiful idea, and I’m going to try to spread much happiness in 2011. Also perhaps I will attempt to not buy any more black sweaters.  Scratch that last one – never going to happen.