Category Archives: Festivities

Fight the (flower) power

Posted on by

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in a non-volatile climate. What would it be like to know that spring and summer weather would stretch out, consistently, day after day? I suspect it would change my behaviour significantly. The past week we have had absolutely gorgeous, SUMMER temperatures, complete with sunshine and warm evenings, and all I can think of is this won’t last, carpe diem, CARPE DIEM. I have been spending every spare minute outside doing yard work and gardening and feeling somewhat resentful at having to come inside. The thing about Calgary is that this could end at any second; we could have snow any time now, enjoy this while it lasts!

The warm weather has made my garden suddenly explode with greenery; after this terrible winter it feels like a gift. My Mayday is apparently the Ferrari of trees, going from barely-there leaf buds to being in full bloom in less than 48 hours, a beautiful gift that is filling the yard with glorious scent.

Speaking of gifts, I hope your Mother’s Day was restful and lovely. Very early on Mother’s Day morning, my husband and I walked over to the Co-Op to buy hamburger buns for dinner, and there was a man with a baby in a bucket seat and a very small toddler, looking at the giant display of flowers and cupcakes set out for those last-minute shoppers. The toddler was very cute, suggesting the flowers that were PINK, DADDY, DESE FLOWERS ARE PINK AND PWETTY AND MOMMY WOULD YIKE THEM, AND SHE YIKES CHOCOLATE CUPCAKES THAT ARE PINK, DADDY. I smiled because it was very obvious that, in addition to the flowers and cupcakes, there was a mom at home who was receiving the gift of “sleeping in.” Throughout the day I continued to see men with small children walking around the neighbourhood and to the playground, giving Mom the gift of Time To Herself. Having been the grateful recipient of such gifts in the past, I felt a lot of joy for those women.

I have just finished reading Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom and I don’t think that I am exaggerating when I say it completely blew my mind. If you haven’t read it, it discusses women’s health issues in a very holistic way, but the author is also an OB-GYN and so it isn’t total hippie-dippie hoo-ha. More “complementary and preventative” than “alternative,” if you know what I’m saying. There is a great deal of discussion about honouring yourself and your body, treating your menstrual cycle in a sacred way – think “Red Tent” rather than “the curse” – and really acknowledging your feelings and moving on with your life, in order to achieve health and wellness. For example, instead of pushing through exhaustion and monthly stabbiness, acknowledge that you need time to rest and reflect; PMS symptoms are your body’s way of telling you to please slow down. Today’s patriarchal society rewards a stiff upper lip and being productive at all costs, but fight the patriarchy and rest when you need to!

And although I’m all about honouring my cycle and self-care – my whole life is one big self-care event these days, it seems – I am also a total hypocrite. I have been fighting a case of the sniffles since Monday and if you think I’ve slowed down, well, I haven’t. See above, re: warm and sunny weather. Yesterday I felt poorly enough to lie down for a few minutes, thinking I would have a nap. After lying in bed for five minutes I became too excited thinking about all my new plants I had purchased at the garden centre and so instead got up and planted twenty-five of them. Yes, twenty-five. In my defense, I knew that today would be rainy and I wanted to let them settle in with some good precipitation.

Maybe I should skip my cardio workout today, I said to my husband this morning while stanching the bleeding from my nose due to blowing it every five minutes or so. He looked at me silently for a moment, and then said You THINK? I guess that was my stab at Slowing Down and Resting. I am trying to treat myself in the same way I would treat a friend, with compassion, and yet I can’t help but think it’s just the sniffles, I think I can go on. Meanwhile I’m looking down the barrel of the neti pot and wondering what, exactly, constitutes an overdose of Advil Cold and Sinus.

Ah, but we are mere hours away from a glorious long weekend, two days away from a royal wedding, and there is sunshine in the forecast. Carpe diem, people, and also pass the Vitamin C.

Three Dozen Reds

Posted on by

I often get pitches in my inbox to feature Tips/ Products That Would Interest My Readers, and I could have the Pleasure of Writing About Them Free Of Charge, and, of course, these are not things that I do. However, on occasion something pops in my mailbox that I find myself enjoying so much that I HAVE to share.

In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, I received a few pitches to write about romantic things like dealing with late-winter plumbing issues or the differences between water softeners and water filters, and are these people actually spying on me? Am I on camera right now?

But the email that really stood out was the one with the subject title “Eating Pizza In Bed Is Top Relationship Deal-Breaker!” I stared at that subject title for some time; I didn’t want to click on the email because I desperately wanted that to be true. The TOP relationship deal-breaker. Not incompatibility, not infidelity, not differences in managing personal finances. EATING PIZZA IN BED.

Sadly, I did click on the link and further, this was a relationship deal-breaker in terms of pizza eating, not the intricacies of human partnerships, and although it’s been some time since I was in the dating world, I can’t remember having any issues with how people eat pizza and how pizza consumption would affect my feelings towards them. Unless, I guess, that person shoved an entire piece in their mouth and proceeded to have a conversation while chewing, but that applies to any kind of food, not just pizza.

The other deal-breakers were listed as picking the cheese off the pizza, not eating the crust, asking for anchovies and/ or pineapple on the pizza, and eating pizza with a knife and fork. I plead guilty to the last one, because I am one step away from becoming Mr. Pitt, but we order pizza about once every two years, so it’s a pretty moot point. We have homemade make-your-own-pita-pizzas weekly, though, and I always use utensils; my husband still likes me so I think I’m okay.

But really, who eats pizza in bed? Who eats anything in bed? This might be my own personal thing but I like my bed free of food particles. Those duvet covers are a pain to wash and I don’t want to be dabbing remnants of pizza or anything else off of my pillows. I swear, even if I was a married lady on Downton Abbey, I would prefer to come down for breakfast rather than be served a tray, although if that was the case, someone else would be dealing with toast crumbs or Kashi cereal in the blankets. Still, it’s the principle of the thing.

I would kick ANYONE out of bed for eating crackers, make no mistake.

Years ago I read one of those click-bait articles that was titled something along the lines of “The One Thing Successful People Do Every Day” and that one thing was making their bed. I am a huge proponent of this and my kids have been making their own beds for many years, which apparently bodes well for their future successes. I literally don’t understand why people don’t make their beds – no judgments here, I just don’t understand. It takes less than two minutes, it looks neat and tidy, and at the end of the day, I want to get into a nice neat bed, not a jumble of sheets and blankets.

To me, THAT would be a deal-breaker, since I don’t think a non-bed-maker and a bed-maker could really live together in harmony. Although, now that I’m thinking about it, maybe they could make it work, not unlike a gardener-and-flower relationship. I mean, my husband deals with the fact that I cannot handle the TV turned up past a certain quiet volume, and I deal with him folding the tea towels in halves instead of in thirds, so who knows? We all have our relationship crosses to bear, I guess.

Well, this post certainly went a different direction than I had intended. I had intended to write about Valentine’s Day, and how some people place a lot of importance on it and others scorn it, and what happens when the twain meet? My friend and I were talking yesterday of Valentine’s Days Past; she worked in a grocery store and remembers hordes of men rushing in at 5:30 pm on The Day to buy crappy grocery flowers. I remembered one year visiting my parents in Palm Desert and my mom and I went shopping. I wanted to buy some bras at Victoria’s Secret – this was before the chain came to Canada – and the store was flooded with men, with crazed, desperate looks in their eyes. I didn’t make the connection until I realized it was February 14, and noticed the salesgirls had their hands full choosing probably inappropriate items and ringing up gift cards.

For me, Valentine’s Day is a nice excuse to make heart shaped baked goods – this year, a raspberry cake and sugar cookies – and to relentlessly tell my husband I choo-choo-choose him.

This year, though, he ordered me three cases of red wine, which is probably the greatest gift ever given in the history of mankind. Unless, I guess, it was four cases, but that seems excessive. I sent him texts with the bee emoticon so I am just going to say that I got the better end of the deal.

Happy belated Valentine’s Day, my friends. May your wine be rich and plentiful, and your pizza be delicious and eaten with a knife and fork at a table, just like god intended.

Bonus Barkley-on-a-snowy-day picture, just because I love you. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day (a day late!).

Winter Solstice, a.k.a. The Day The Vitamin D Supplement Was Meant For

Posted on by

Happy Winter Solstice! As of today, we will have exactly seven hours and fifty-three minutes of daylight, which is NOT VERY MUCH. However, at least we aren’t in the Arctic! And days start getting longer tomorrow, so there’s that. Also! We are in the Final Countdown To Christmas, so there is much excitement around the Boyhouse. I have two more classes to teach before I have a week off, and let me tell you, as soon as I get home from class tomorrow, I am (finally) cracking open that Almonde Baileys I bought, putting on a pot (YES A POT) of coffee, and watching Christmas Vacation with the children. I have been looking forward to that moment for weeks now. It’s going to be glorious.

The boys – including my husband – will also be decorating their traditional gingerbread house tomorrow. We are a bit later than normal but I shrug my tired shoulders at the notion of a gingerbread house schedule. I was reminded by Facebook of the house they made eight years ago:

Nothing can top that baby. Nothing!

For those of you in the throes of festive stress, come here, sit beside me, while I make you an Almonde Baileys and coffee. It’s a stressful time, although I am currently feeling like a motherfucking boss since I zoomed over to Superstore as soon as I dropped the kids at “school” (no actual academic activities will take place on this day, thank god, since no student has any focus at the moment) and, people, I managed to rack up 9,500 PC Points. LIKE A BOSS. And it was all buying things that I would normally buy, rather than weird one-off things that will sit in my pantry for years to come. I AM THE QUEEN.

On Monday I drove past the mall on my way to get a wax (TMI? Sorry, I am literally on my second POT of coffee and my filters, as it were, are blurred) and there were cars lined up along the road just to get into the parking lot. I can’t imagine what the parking lot itself was like, but I did see a lot of very slow moving vehicles. My god, the mall. If you or someone you love is heading there any time this week, my thoughts and prayers are with you. GO WITH GOD, PEOPLE. And don’t forget to be nice to the people working the checkouts.

Hmm, I had more to say but in my coffee-fueled haze I cannot remember what. Oh yes! The banana update. Were you all on the edge of your seats, waiting for an update? Well, wait no more because here it comes: the bananas went from greenish to completely black-and-brown in a matter of 24 hours.

But, Dear Reader, you need to know that when I took off the gross peels, with the exception of the very tip, inside was a firm, yet ripe, banana.

That photo looks a little “not safe for work” and also that is what Reynaud’s looks like.

All of which is to say that while I do love Costco and all of its outsized goodness, I will never buy bananas there again.

Happy Holidays to all of you wonderful people. I wish for you a time of joy, happiness, and peace, and if anyone wants some banana bread, I have a freezer full of bananas for you. xoxo

Can you spot the Barkley?

Hallelujah, where’s the Advil Cold and Sinus?

Posted on by

I’m going to preface this post by saying that I’m on my eighth cup of coffee and I have taken two Advil Cold and Sinus, so things could get interesting. Also we are at less than eight hours of daylight, it’s almost a new moon, and holy moly things are dark. I’ve been fighting this virus that we all seem to have this week; it’s the first time I’ve been sick since sometime in 2015, so I have kind of forgotten what it is like to be incapacitated. The great news is that the whole-body fatigue that had taken me down is gone; in its place is a bit of a stuffy head, but since I feel okay being upright, I think I am on the mend.

Me: I think I’m almost totally back to normal!

My husband: You realize that you are totally out of breath just walking up the stairs, right?

I have a tendency to overdo things a little and I am really trying not to. I am trying to take advice I give friends, which is to rest and recover. Apparently it’s easier to give advice than to follow it, who knew? But yesterday I knew I had to do something and so I took the whole day off. I did literally nothing except watch The Price Is Right and five episodes of The Crown.

Princess Margaret looks like I feel.

Looks like Drew Carey got new glasses, I said to myself, despite the fact that it’s been a few years since I’ve watched The Price is Right and who knows, really, how new those glasses are. There was a Canadian fellow on and I became very invested in his progress. Sadly, he only spun $0.10, followed by $0.65 on the big wheel and so was not eligible for the Showcase Showdown. This might have been a blessing for him though because the Big Prize on one of the Showcases was a Trip To Canada. Yes, a trip to “Toronto, Canada” where the winner would enjoy a three-hour sailing tour of Lake Ontario. A three-hour tour started dolefully repeating itself in my brain. But really – it’s December. Who wants a trip to Toronto, let alone a sailing tour (a three-hour tour) on Lake Ontario IN DECEMBER. Although maybe it was taped earlier in the year, who really knows.

I feel like I have more to say about my television watching but it’s not coming to me right now.

Oh, I know, the bananas. I have a banana update for you! At three weeks post-purchase, the bananas were a strange mix of green with blackened stems:

But disturbingly, today, all is ashes. 24 days after purchase, here is where we are:

I’m getting quite a few “When are you going to throw those things out?” queries, and the truth is, I don’t know. I’m tempted to just freeze them all for later banana bread, but they are kind of grody looking, so I’m not sure if it would affect the baking or not. The peel, while still yellow with the exception of the one banana which went completely black and feels like it will disintegrate at any moment, looks weird and is strangely dimpled. The correct thing to do, probably, is to just throw them in the compost, but I don’t know if I can. Maybe it’s the Advil Cold and Sinus talking, but that seems like a decision I cannot make at this time. I have become attached to these bananas.

Recently I saw an article saying that Christmas really sucks for moms, because we are so busy making magical memories we don’t have the time to experience any magic ourselves. I cannot speak for anyone else but I will say that Christmas does not suck for me, in fact it is the opposite, and if it is sucking for you, then back off the throttle a little. Christmas was amazing for me as a kid and you know what my mom did? She bought gifts, sure, she made a metric tonne of baking, yes, and that was pretty much it. AND IT WAS AWESOME. I was thinking about this the other day as my kids enjoyed their super-luxurious Lindor advent calendars, purchased at Costco, naturally, that have not only the usual amazing truffles, but also chocolate icicles, angles, and Santas. They each have one and you know what I had as a child? Those waxy tiny chocolate calendars that I shared with my two brothers.

Side note: if anyone wants to stock up on waxy tiny chocolate calendars, they are still available at Superstore for a very low price.

This was taken nearly three weeks ago, now they are thirty-eight cents each.

Anyway, not to victim blame here, but I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves to be all magical and elvish and whatnot. I feel like our kids will have great Christmas memories no matter what, even if they have to, god forbid, share an advent calendar. Wait, I wrote about this before! Hold please.

Here it is, How To Enjoy The Holidays Without Losing Your Mind. I won’t repeat the sentiments here, but let’s be kind to ourselves. I mean, one year my mother’s oven broke on Christmas Eve and she ended up making Christmas dinner in the microwave and on the barbeque, and it was kind of awesome. So really, all will be merry and bright, so long as we don’t lose our minds like Clark Griswold. Hallelujah! Holy shit. Where’s the Tylenol?

Actually I can really relate to that right now because I think my Advil is wearing off. I will leave you with these offerings: my children’s and my gingerbread men. Which ones do you think I made?

Yes, that one is exactly what you think it is. Welcome to life with boys!

It’s December; what’s your Tree Decorating Personality?

Posted on by

The other day my husband said that the month of November dragged and dragged and seemed to go on forever, and honestly, I felt like I couldn’t relate at all. November FLEW by for me, in that I keep thinking that it was just Halloween the other day, and now it’s December. I mean, I’ve been feeling festive for the past couple of weeks, as is my wont at this time of year, but I keep feeling like my life is a speeded-up cartoon of pages flying off a daily calendar.

On Wednesday I went to the post office to mail the Christmas parcel to my mother-and-sister-in-law, and as I walked through the parking lot I saw a man standing outside of the Tim Horton’s, having a cigarette. This would not be notable in the least, except that the man in question looked exactly like Santa Claus: he had a long, well-kept white beard, rosy cheeks, a generally round shape, and – this might be speculation on my part – a jolly demeanor. I wondered if he WAS the mall Santa Claus; although he wasn’t wearing a red suit, he was wearing a red t-shirt, and anyway it would be more than likely that he would change for his smoke break, so as to not disturb the young children who had just sat on his lap in the pretend North Pole in the mall. Nevertheless, I did wonder if he WAS the mall Santa, would children recognize him even without the suit, and if so, how would their parents explain this? Even Santa deserves a break, maybe, or Santa has a stressful job at this time of year. I thought about this all through the lineup at the post office, imagining this stranger, who had done nothing whatever to deserve this thought process, other than having a Santa-like appearance, was actually the real Santa, picturing his smoke breaks during toy-making supervision, and the elves smoking with him with their tiny elf-sized mugs of super-strong coffee, talking with a “HEY! I’m WALKING here!” New York accent. I thought about this until I got back to my car and then realized that I was letting my imagination run away with me, and speculation is just that, speculation, and most likely the fellow in question was not Santa in any shape or form, only a kind-looking, if hirsute, older gentleman.

Not that I’d begrudge Santa his smoke break – it would be tiring sitting there with screaming infants and parents trying to coax a smile out of their terrified toddlers, who intuitively know not to sit on a stranger’s lap and tell that stranger secrets for any amount of candy canes. Have you been a good girl this year? But a smoking Santa might be a little stinky for the kids.

Long story short, now is the time to visit the post office. The lineup was negligible and the clerks are not as downtrodden and exhausted as they will be three weeks from now.

What’s the gift-and-card-for-the-in-laws situation in your house? For what it’s worth, I take this task on myself. I know many people have a “your family, you do the gift” policy, but a) I find I’m probably more suited to shop for a seventy-five-year-old woman than my husband is, b) I have a much more flexible schedule, and c) broadly speaking, once two people are joined in holy matrimony those two people should – IDEALLY – consider the spouse’s family to be their own. Ideally. In any case, it’s all done and mailed now.

I am also the person in charge of holiday cards, for the very good reason that I am the only person who cares about holiday cards. I am the person who chooses the photo, the layout, and the inside message. I make sure to include “from Barkley too, woof!” as I do every year, and I write out and address each one. I do not let anyone near them – which, as I said, no one is really clamouring to help – because to say I’m particular about them is an understatement.

I mention this so you know that I am not judging the people involved in my next topic. I know we all have our things. Lately I have seen a lot of posts about women, exclusively women, who either a) redecorate their Christmas tree after their children decorate it, or b) do not let their children decorate the tree at all. No judgement here, but I cannot relate in the least. Decorating the tree is a full-on family affair in the Boyhouse and hoo boy, can you tell. I love it. I love our extremely eclectic collection of ornaments and I love to see the perfect arrangement of ornaments through my kids’ eyes. Every year I add one or two ornaments to our collection, something to remind me of the year that has passed, and so we have a lot of interesting trinkets; a tractor from when the boys were obsessed with John Deere, a beautiful ball with an Inukshut on it from 2010, a fat moose from the year I was pregnant with the oldest and was enormous.

Did you know that there is much spirited debate in the world about white versus coloured lights? I did not but never fear: our tree has a setting for both, and the lights oscillate between the two. See?

I love when the kids jam several ornaments on one branch; they do that because they think the ornaments want to be together, which melts my heart.

Clue – a gift from my parents – plus two homemade candy canes and, surprisingly, Superman.

A stormtrooper with Ben 10 and a few assorted Cars movie ornaments.

I bought this admittedly tacky Disney castle with Mickey Mouse last year, at Disney World. It reminds me of watching the fireworks show, and how wonderful and special that was. A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you’re fast asleep.

This came from Disneyland, back in 2011. The kids LOVED the Buzz Lightyear ride.

My mom had given the boys these ornaments when they were – as you may guess – four and five, and I love that they are together. Also: Scooby Doo and my marshmallow “Kiss the Cook.”

My mother-in-law gave me this bowl years ago. I keep it filled with driftwood, shells, and smooth rocks from trips my husband and I made to the West Coast, before kids. The vintage ornaments get added at Christmas, and they were also a gift from her. I love the 1960s feel of them.

My husband, bless his heart, spends at least eight hours putting up outdoor Christmas decorations. Not only do we have lights – white icicles and red bulbs – along with lighted deer, trees, gift boxes, a hippo, penguins, snowmen, a moose, and an entire candy cane lane – which he bought for me because I always wanted one – he also decorates our large Mayday tree with glittery ornaments.

Sadly, two of them detached from their hooks. I went to Walmart to buy Gorilla Glue, feeling like an I am Woman Hear Me Roar type. I went to the DIY section, giggling because DIY always reminds me of that line in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, “Do you like to Do It Yourself?” Anyway, there were many different kinds of Gorilla Glue but I chose wisely, I think. When I told my husband, expecting praise for doing what I would strongly consider a Blue Job, he nervously texted me to ask me to please wait until he got home before fixing the ornaments. I think he thought I would glue myself to the table, or perhaps glue my hands together or one hand to my face or something. Given my track record for fixing things, this was probably warranted.

My husband also strung lights on the garage so when I’m making dinner, I don’t have to stare out the window into the pitch-black abyss. It really brightens my mood. He also set the timer so that the lights come on just as I’m driving home from yoga in the wee hours of the morning, and it always makes me happy.

Happy December, my friends. I wish you a month of joy and festivity, and no fingers glued together. xo

Why do we have two Agent P? I don’t know, but I’m glad they’re together.

Airing of the Grievances, One Month Early

Posted on by

I know, I know, Festivus is on December 23rd, not 22nd, which means that there is one month and one day before the Airing of the Grievances and Feats of Strength, but Thursdays are impossible for me to write anything. Therefore, the Grievances Shall Be Aired Today.

Of course, because it’s me, I have to disclose that all my Grievances are Princess Problems, really, and I should feel incredible guilt about posting such inane babble about unimportant things. But what is a blog if not inane babble about unimportant things? Nine years, people: that’s how long the Boyhouse has been on the internet, and rarely, if ever, do I write about something that is not inane and unimportant.

Dr Brandt

A little while back, I read something about the Miracle that is Dr Brandt’s No More Baggage Eye Cream. I literally ran out of the house, went to Sephora, purchased the expensive cosmetic, and was very excited for a few days. It worked! Finally, something that makes me look less exhausted/ hideous! I was going to write an entire post about the amazing product and then…it stopped working. It seems like the dark circles – although, to give the product credit, not the puffiness – come back with a vengeance by mid-day. I took this photo of myself in the most flattering light in the house, with full makeup, and the circles are still there. Don’t even get me started on the forehead wrinkles and grey roots; I have given up. Well, not entirely – I have a colour next week – but I am at the stage where I colour my hair every five weeks and by week 3.5 I start to get a little Redheaded Bride of Frankenstein.

Why do they call it Bride of Frankenstein, and not Bride of Frankenstein’s monster? Should that be a Grievance?

Anyway, I feel like if one pays $50 for a tiny tube of eye cream, that eye cream had better be performing some goddamn miracles. I should look like a refreshed and youthful version of myself for that kind of money. If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I have been struggling to find the perfect eye cream for a long, long while, and I thought I had it. I thought I had it! But no.

I sleep approximately seven (broken up) hours per night, plus more on weekends, and I drink more water than anyone I know; I’m practically a camel at an oasis, all day, every day. The way I see it, I have two options: walk around with cucumber slices taped to my eyes, or to just give up and accept that this is what I look like now. I’m leaning towards the latter, since cucumbers taped to my eyes might be tricky from a logistical standpoint.

Filters

Look, I am as vain as they come – see my first Grievance – but filters on Instagram are not doing anything for us as humans who should be aware about what other humans look like. Sure, I would love to walk around in soft-focus like Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca, but that’s not realistic. We should all dump the filters and embrace what we really look like, forehead wrinkles and all. Dr Brandt’s failed eye cream and all.

Grocery Stores Changing Things Around Like It’s No Big Deal, But It Is A Big Deal

My neighbourhood Co-Op changed everything around in their store, but let me tell you something about Co-Op: they know their audience. They know that the seniors would all raise hell if the snack foods switched places with the cereals, and so on every single aisle there was a map of the store, each aisle labelled with the items it contained. This is brilliant. Brilliant!

Sadly, the Superstore I frequent changed everything around and did not attempt this very simple solution. Maybe it’s because they change things around every time you turn around. It should not be this difficult to find a bottle of rice vinegar, Superstore!

Grocery Stores Making Weird Decisions Regarding Product Placement

Again at Superstore, the tofu and dairy-free vegan cheese options are newly situated directly beside the live fish tank, which is very unpleasant for those of us who are purchasing tofu and dairy-free vegan cheese options for a reason. I find those live fish tanks to be repellent at the best of times, but often there is a terrible fish stench emanating from them that is unbearable, particularly to us sensitive vegetarian-types. Those items used to be located at a reasonable distance from the sad-sack fishies, but now I am faced with their overcrowded end-of-life situation every time I grab a block of tofu.

No Thank You, I Really Don’t Want A Walmart Mastercard

I really do understand that all cashiers have a certain script to follow, and I sympathize. I also understand that there is most likely a financial incentive for cashiers to get people to sign up for their store credit cards, and perhaps that financial incentive has a lot of meaning to someone who may or may not be living from paycheque to paycheque. I get it, I understand, I sympathize, but I do not want a store credit card, particularly a Walmart one. I always smile and politely decline, often twice. That’s fine.

What is not fine is me having to politely decline a credit card eight times in a three-minute conversation with the cashier. Yes, I understand there is a discount if I sign up, but no thank you. No, please don’t cancel my whole order, I do not want to ring it through on the Walmart Mastercard. No, thank you, I am not interested. Over and over again. It is against my principles to get snappy with cashiers but sweet mother of god, eight times. Usually I go through the self-checkout to avoid this very conversation, but I had too many items. Note to self: buy less at Walmart. I guess that should be a given anyway. At least they don’t have a live fish tank.

I Want To Give Someone Accolades, But I Cannot

My mail carrier – yes, I still get home delivery – is incredible. Not once, not ONCE has he delivered the mail incorrectly, whereas a few years ago I was constantly taking mail over to the lady who lived the next street over, or the people at a similar address. Whenever I encounter him in person, he is cheerful and kind, and he has even flagged me down as I drove by to give me a parcel that I needed to sign for, so as to not inconvenience me. I wanted to email Canada Post to congratulate them on such an exemplary employee, but alas, I cannot. There is no way to contact them via email to give positive feedback, which probably says something about Canada Post. If I wanted to be on hold for thirty-plus minutes, I could call them. I just wanted to say someone is doing a good job.

Wait! Stop the presses! I had tweeted at them and they just got back to me! Disregard this last Grievance! And maybe take the time to say thank-you to someone who is doing a good job, because they might be having a day where they want to Air Their Grievances, and your compliment could change things around.

Ahhh, I feel much better now. xo

Nicole’s Mom’s Sugar Cookies, a.k.a., the best sugar cookies known to humankind

Posted on by

Yesterday we had another big snowfall; I don’t even know how many that makes so far this year – four? five? I have already lost count – but I watched the thick, fluffy flakes fall from the sky and it was like a switch turned on in my brain.

As I had mentioned in my last post, I have finished my shopping, but I will tell you this: the super-festive-Nicole-the-Elf feeling did not kick in until yesterday. And hoo boy, has it kicked in. Keep my husband in your thoughts, for I think I may be already driving him crazy. This morning, as I sipped on my seventh – yes, seventh – cup of coffee, I talked in a rapid-fire voice about how I had picked up extra coconut milk and I was thinking maybe this year I’d make peppermint truffles in addition to my usual dark chocolate, and I wonder if dipping some in white chocolate would be good, or too much, and should I roll them in crushed candy canes? He just looked at me in the way you might look at someone who is in danger of spinning off the earth, at 7:00 am, and then left for work.

I ventured out into the Winter Wonderland yesterday to pick up a few items from my local Co-Op, and when I walked in became immediately immobilized when confronted by the giant festive display inside the store. When I say “immobilized,” I mean I stood there staring at all the items for sale for at least five minutes before strolling over to pick up bread, avocados, and peppermint extract, and then circled back to choose three different kinds of candy canes.

Speaking of peppermint extract, has anyone else found it difficult to obtain lately? Is there a shortage? When I find it, the price seems to be the same, but it has been hard to find lately.

So the house is now stocked appropriately with coconut milk, chocolate, peppermint extract, molasses, and candy canes; all things I need for my usual holiday baking sweatshop. There’s just one little issue: I don’t have a whole lot of people to bake FOR.

See, here’s the thing: when the kids were in elementary school, there was always a bake sale or a classroom party or a potluck for the teachers to bake for. This year: nothing. And while the kids are in the human-garburator stage of life where they eat so much it makes one’s head spin, they really cannot eat eight dozen cookies prior to those cookies going stale. They really can’t. And yet, I have already made double batches of both sugar cookie and gingerbread dough, both sitting in my freezer, waiting for the day they come alive to be eaten. And that doesn’t even account for my giant batch of gingersnaps I make come December. When I told my older son that we would have at least eighty gingerbread men to decorate and I wasn’t sure why I had made so many, he said “It’s okay, Mom, we can give them away to people!”

Bless the child. YES WE WILL. So prepare yourself, people in my circles, because you will be the recipient of baked goods this year. I’m already planning my random acts of cookies so watch out, you might have something sweet forced on you, and if I’ve had as much coffee as I’ve had this morning, you may be alarmed at my beaming face.

But this recipe! Recently a friend asked me for it and I was appalled to see that I did not have it anywhere online. Let me tell you, it is my number one most popular cookie recipe. My kids’ friends are always asking me to send it to their moms, teachers used to email me for it, and I have sent it out myriad times. Yet, I have never blogged it*. This is my mom’s sugar cookie recipe and I am just going to humbly tell you that it is no-fail, amazing every time. Well, once it failed since I forgot the baking powder. But if you actually follow the recipe, it’s no-fail. My friends used to love these cookies when my mom made them, back in my childhood days, and now my kids’ friends do, and it feels like this beautiful cookie-circle-of-life.

Nicole’s Mom’s Sugar Cookie Recipe

1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

1 tablespoon vanilla

2 eggs

3 cups flour

1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

Cream together butter, sugar, and vanilla until fluffy. Beat in eggs. Mix in flour, baking powder, and salt.

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT STEP: EITHER CHILL THIS FOR TWO HOURS UNTIL EASY TO HANDLE, OR FORM INTO 2-3 BALLS, WRAP, AND FREEZE UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE CUTTING OUT 7 DOZEN COOKIES. I usually make the dough, freeze it, and then a few weeks later, actually bake the cookies. Pro-tip! You don’t have to do everything at once.

On baking day, obviously you will have thawed the dough, but kept it refrigerated. Preheat oven to 350 degrees, or 325 for convection oven. Line baking sheets with parchment paper and do not think for a moment that you can skip this step! Use the parchment paper, trust me.

Roll out dough on floured surface, about 1/4 inch thick. Cut into festive shapes (for birthdays I make stars, for Valentine’s, hearts, and for Halloween, there are cats, pumpkins, and ghosts). Bake for 10 minutes, until edges are browned. I like very soft cookies, if you like crunchier ones, then add a couple of minutes to bake time. Allow to cool before frosting.

Now, some of you (HI LIV, MELODY, AND AMANDA) are die-hard pipe-and-flood types, but I, alas, am not. I am more a “whimsical smear of buttercream with a few random sprinkles” kind of a cookie decorator. There is room for all of us in this world. If you, like me, are limited in your decorating abilities, then I recommend the following delicious frosting to spread on the cookies:

Nicole’s Easy Buttercream

1/2 cup very soft butter

4 cups icing sugar

1 tablespoon vanilla

2-3 tablespoons milk

Cream together the butter, icing sugar, and vanilla (add the icing sugar slowly or you’ll have a hot mess of a countertop). Add the milk to thin to the correct consistency. This might yield slightly more frosting than you need, but YOU CAN FREEZE IT TOO. Amazing. Add food colouring if you wish. Get ready for compliments, people!

*edited to add: apparently I have already blogged about these cookies! But, the recipe is so nice, we can have it twice.