Today is my fiftieth birthday! I can finally say I’m Nifty and Fifty!
When I was very small, I had the thought process shared by many small children with regards to what “growing up” entailed. What do you want to be when you grow up is a ridiculous question to ask a three-or-four-year-old, and yet it’s incredibly common. I mean, preschoolers really do not have all the information with regards to career paths.
But when I was that age, I had a really firm idea about what I wanted to be when I grew up, and that was a flower.
I don’t think it’s that unusual for a small child to equate “growing up” with a species-shifting free-for-all. I loved flowers, therefore I wanted to be one. I wanted to be a pink daisy-like flower, my face would be in the centre, and my arms would be the leaves. I can still picture it, myself as a flower, bobbing along in the breeze.
I also remember exactly when this future flower plan came to a screeching halt. It was when I realized that flowers die in the winter. I remember crying hysterically about it; I was a very emotional and dramatic child, and so my complete devastation probably didn’t register much to my parents. I recall my dad saying but flowers come back in the spring, which made me cry harder. I would miss Christmas! I would be dead! When I was a flower! I’m sure my parents did not understand the depth of my sadness, because what adult would be like right, right, well I know you think you’re going to be a flower, but that’s not actually going to happen, so you won’t die every year and miss Christmas. They were probably more like oh my god why is this child crying again?
My dreams of becoming a flower evaporated into the ether, along with my tears.
When we moved here, my husband and I redid our wills to reflect the new province and property, and, because the children were now grown, to eliminate the guardianship clause in the case of our sudden demise that would leave them orphaned. As we spoke with the lawyer, she asked if we had any burial preferences, for when we shuffle off this mortal coil, and my husband was quite surprised that I did have a very strong opinion on this subject. I exuberantly informed the lawyer that I wanted to be composted and planted with a tree, which she dutifully wrote down.
I think it’s very important to have these strange and difficult conversations – open and honest communication is always the best – and so I informed the children of my plan, should I suddenly expire. Oh Mom, my older son said, That’s so great! You’ll be one step closer to achieving your childhood dream of becoming a flower!
It seems a little macabre to talk about my future demise, may it be many decades in the future, and also becoming human compost on my birthday of all days, and well, it is. But it also strangely brings me happiness to think that perhaps one day I’ll be one with the earth while my soul flutters around, hopefully inhabiting a bird or a butterfly, and not something that will immediately get squished, like a fly or mosquito.
In the Ask Me Anything that I had posted months ago, Kyria (HI KYRIA) asked how do you want to be remembered, and that to me is an incredibly difficult and complicated question. I think the way we remember people is specific to the time periods in which we were the closest, to how well we know them, to things we did together. Someone from my youth will remember me very differently from someone who knows me now; certain songs might spark memories, certain movies, certain places.
That said, I think I would like a park bench, just like my pretend friend Lloyd Forest, but instead of reminding people when the park closes, I would like to tell them to return their shopping carts.
Of course, when I told my kids that, they demurred. Turning their mother into compost, that’s fine, but putting a shopping cart reminder on a park bench was not. That makes you sound like you’re a grumpy old person! my son said, I think it would be better if you had Putting the OM in OMG.
Well. I guess he’s right. My tagline really does describe my life so far, and I hope it describes the next fifty years.
Weekly Reading
What’s Mine and Yours. This is what I would classify as a Big Book, and I’m not talking length – it’s just over 300 pages, which seems average these days. But it’s big in concept and it deals with big issues: race-related tensions, redlining, integrating school districts, and intergenerational trauma. There is also a big cast of characters and they all have big problems. There are several time periods as well. I will say it’s very well-executed, thoughtful, and smart. However, it was not what I would consider a pleasurable reading experience because nearly all of the characters were deeply, deeply dislikeable. Even the one main character who I thought was pretty decent turned out to be not so much in the end. It really says something about the nature of pain and trauma, and how hurt people often lash out. Still, I was looking for a redemption arc, which never really happened – but maybe that’s the point. Maybe the point is that people with pain and trauma often never get that redemption.
The Book of (More) Delights. I picked this up while Christmas shopping last year, entirely because of the cover and the name. I had no idea until my friend Laura (HI LAURA) mentioned a “Ross Gay moment” that this was a book by an acclaimed author. To further the Laura confluence, in the recently read Bite By Bite, the author, Aimee, mentions going to a watermelon festival with her friend Ross, who was working on another book about delight, and it was this Ross. THEN, near the end of this book, Ross mentions going to a watermelon festival with Aimee, and I just exploded with all the life/ reading intersections. Anyway. This is a book of 81 essays on everyday delights over a span of a year, and it starts and ends on Ross’ birthday, which felt serendipitous for me, finishing it just before my own. I have been reading an essay before yoga most mornings since January, and his style of writing is – as one might expect – delightful. He has more digressions than anyone I’ve ever read, sometimes six or seven in a SINGLE SENTENCE. I loved it.
It’s certainly been a week of delights for me: my darling friend Sammi (HI SAMMI) hosted the most gorgeous girls’ lunch you can even imagine, complete with tiara and sash, which I’m wondering if I can get away with wearing everywhere for the next year. It was truly the most wonderful afternoon with such an incredible group of women, I am SO lucky, so so so lucky.
My parents were here for the weekend to celebrate, and we had a great time with lots of wine and more cake. I hosted Easter dinner for both sides of the family, and it turned out great! I hope you all had a lovely weekend with all sorts of treats. xo
OH MY GOODNESS HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICOLE!!!!!!!!! I knew you would celebrate in style. Yes, I think you should wear that sash everywhere for the whole year! Who says you can’t???
And… a flower. I love that so, so much. First of all, it’s so YOU. Second, I love the glimpse into the way kids’ minds work. Nothing is impossible! I wish we could hang onto that way of thinking, instead of having it stomped out of us as we grow up.
i hope you’re continuing to celebrate this week!
Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day. I love M’s response to your after-death plan. It must have made you feel seen.
Happy, Happy Birthday, Nicole! I’m so glad you were celebrated by so many of your people! The photo of you with the cake is beautiful! How can you be 50??
I loved Bite By Bite so much that I’ll have to read Gay’s book. I even ordered the Bite book for my daughter-in-law, as she’s Asian and food is so important to her and her culture. Also, I just got Five Star Stranger from the library, so it’s in my next to read pile. Thanks for your always great reviews. I hope your Birthday Week is wonderful! XO
Happy birthday! You are someone who shines brightly!! I love, love the photo of you with the cake. <3
WOOT WOOT! Happy birthday! What a fantastic post for your birthday. I, too, have always wanted to be “made into a tree” when I die, and have shared this widely and enthusiastically over the years, to the point that I’m pretty sure everyone with a potential say at the time of my demise knows exactly what to do. There’s something so soothing about the idea of Being A Tree, you know?
Your story about wanting to be a flower is so charming! Kids are delightful. And your son’s comment about achieving your life-long dream – ha!
Love the photos from your birthday party! You are gorgeous and so clearly full of joy. And THAT CAKE. Wowza!
Fifty!!!! Yay!
Happy, happy, HAPPY birthday Nicole!!
Omigosh–I can’t even hold any other thought in my head right now.
Just so happy you’re here and that you’ll be a tree someday. SO much love for you!
Happy Birthday! I want to become compost too! Maybe we can get all our friends to do it too and we could become a forest together. That would be lovely. I’m so glad you enjoyed Ross and Aimee’s books. I would love to invite both of them to dinner-wouldn’t that be the best? And finally, can I tell you how much I love that your sons are so supportive of you? You did a great job raising strong, independent, loving men-something you don’t see much these days. Good on you and them!
Happy happy birthday! I know how much you ADORE birthdays so I hope yours is absolutely delightful! I like your park bench w/ the shopping cart reminder. That doesn’t make you sound grumpy. It makes you sound like a decent human being who isn’t a monster. Lol. You can tell how I feel about shopping carts. I take a lot of pleasure in pushing the carts to the back of the corral when I return it and give myself a gold star (but then also wonder – why can’t other people just push their cart in instead of leaving it all willy nilly?) So not only do I want people to return their carts – in my ideal world, they would also push them to the back of the corral. *steps off soapbox*
Your birthday celebration looks so wonderful! And I love that you wanted to be a flower when you grew up. Paul wanted to be a T Rex when he grew up when he was 3. It is a funny question to ask kids but what I can’t get over is how teens that apply to college in the US not only apply to a university, they apply to a freaking school within that university. So you kind of have to know your major before you even start going to college. WTF is up with that?? It seems like you can switch colleges but still. I think that is just bananas. I started off as a clinical lab science major and then realized I didn’t really like labs or chemistry… which is kind of a key part of that major. So I switched to math in the 2nd semester of my freshman year. What if I had been locked into that college. Sheesh.
Happy birthday!! I hope you have the BEST day. 50 is such a cool milestone number0– it feels so significant, so I hope this birthday is significantly wonderful for you.
Happy Birthday, friend!! Turning 50 is a BIG DEAL! Welcome to it! I truly think it’s the best decade so far. And I think it’s amazing that you’re talking about what you want done with your human form when the time comes. We all need to have those conversations… and I love your idea so much. You’ll be a flower someday—what a beautiful thought. 🌸
Happiest of Birthdays! I love that you were treated like a queen for your special day! Love the sash and tiara! And whenever I put a shopping cart away I already think of you!
Happy Birthday, Dear Nicole!!!! It looks like you had a celebration worthy of a princess – that cake looks amazing! A sash and tiara suit you perfectly! I’m glad you had such a fun party and a nice Easter celebration too. You are a flower in human form, and you’ll always be a flower. 🌹 Planning your funeral and last wishes is such a generous gift to give your children, even though it’s so hard to talk about. Sending you a million good wishes for your fifties!
Happy Happy Happy Birthday Nicole! I can totally see you as a flower, bringing delight to everyone….until winter lol. (One of my sons once said he wanted to be a stop sign???). I would love to see a pic of you doing your Costco run with your tiara & sash on. I’m sure you would elicit some smiles. Oh, and the ‘return your shopping carts’ on your park bench is perfect!
What’s Mine and Yours sounds interesting – it’s added to my list. I just finished Long Island Compromise (did you recommend that?). Good but wow talk about unlikable characters. Truly awful wealthy people It’s been compared to Succession, which I didn’t think of while reading but I see it now.
All of this is SO YOU. Happy Birthday, my friend. You are a flower in so many senses – radiant, joyful, always reaching toward the sun.
Also – I really, really, really hope you get an inscribed bench about the shopping carts? Or maybe some custom bumper stickers. Someone needs to carry on your legacy of ill-will toward lazy shoppers.
Happy birthday, my fabulous friend!! I think you should insist on the park bench reminding people to put back their shopping carts – have it written into the will. Maybe that would make some people be less inconsiderate of others. Doubtful, but you never know.
Happy, happy day! I hope you are appropriately celebrated!
When my oldest niece was a toddler, her greatest ambition in life was to be a gumball machine. Who were we to deny her her dreams?
We read What’s Mine and Yours in book club a couple of years ago. We found a lot of the character choices a bit puzzling and I did not care for the frequently changing POVs. I though the writing was powerful, but it didn’t really hold the book for me.
Happy Birthday Nicole! What a delightful post. I love your style. And now I am thinking of being compost for a tree as well. That sounds perfect. Best wishes for happiness in the year ahead.
Happy Birthday Nicole! Fifty is the new thirty! I love that you wanted to be a flower as a child. How sweet and did you know tha tsome flowers in Australia last all year round and for years! Like you, I vote for composting burial and a tree instead of producing and adding more carbon to the atmosphere. I want to enrich the earth for future generations. But as you, quite rightly put it, these are difficult conversations. ‘Lloyd Forest’ gave me a laugh. I think some inspirational words might be what I would add to my park bench label. “If it is to be, it is up to me” – kind of thing.
The book, That’s Mine and Yours sounds sad and reminds me of some similar books in that genre. There is no redemption arc, no happy ending, they are more reflective of reality. It is a fine line between choosing an uplifting fiction or a prudent lesson in harsh reality. I wonder how an author chooses between them?
I hope you’ve been having the most EXCELLENT birthday! 50 and Fabulous indeed!
I think I want to be composted too, once it’s legal in California. I don’t like the idea of my body being shipped to Las Vegas (I dislike Vegas) so I had better hang in there for a couple more years I guess. I love the idea of a park bench, too.