Given that I am a person who cannot read horror novels, watch anything even remotely upsetting on television, or even read the news, it is surprising that I am a good person to have around in an emergency. I’m very calm and logical in the face of medical distress; I can’t see blood on TV, true, but it doesn’t bother me in the least in real life.
This is directly opposite to my reaction to anything going even slightly wrong with a vehicle; a warning light in the car makes me burst into tears instantly, for example. Do you think your car is going to blow up if the wiper fluid light comes on? my husband once asked me, puzzled. Maybe?
Generally I think I am great in an emergency – stoic, practical, and logical – but when it comes to situations that are not actual emergencies, I can fall apart. One such situation happened last week, and it involved, of all things, a frog.
As you may or may not know, I basically live in an episode of Lorne Greene’s New Wilderness; there is wildlife all around me at any given time. If only they would peacefully circle around me while I sing a song, I would literally be Snow White or Sleeping Beauty or some other Disney princess with magical animal-whispering powers. I regularly see deer, coyotes, marmots, squirrels, and myriad species of birds; less regularly, but often enough, I see bears, bobcats, and raccoons. There are birds everywhere, all the time: magpies are currently nesting loudly in one of our evergreens, robins and hawks and eagles and turkey buzzards and owls abound, ducks and geese watch Rex and I carefully when we walk in the mornings, and there are huge families of quail scurrying around all the time.
An animal I always forget about because I encounter it so rarely is the frog, but there are frogs living somewhere in the vicinity of our back door. Where or how or why, I have no idea, but last week Rex and I were leaving for our walk; I opened the door for him as I always do before I put my boots on. I turned my back and when I looked there was flat and unmoving on our entryway floor, was a frog.
My initial thought was that it was dead, it was so flat and so motionless. I thought that I had inadvertently killed it; maybe the door opening somehow squashed it flat. How did you get here? I wondered, and that idle thought was followed immediately by Oh my god, Rex is going to eat you. Because Rex, picky eater that he is – he will gingerly take foods that I associate with being special treats beloved by dogs everywhere and then let those foods fall out of his mouth, looking at me with an expression of deep betrayal – is decidedly not picky when it comes to dead animals. He has eaten, and regurgitated, many a dead thing found in our yard, the absolute worst being a deer carcass. You haven’t lived until you’ve cleaned up regurgitated deer fur.
Rex was waiting for me at the bottom of the steps, and so I knew time was not on my side. He was moments away from coming to see why I was so slow to take him for his walk. I either had to immediately clean up the dead frog or suffer the consequences. I couldn’t leave a dead frog in the house, but neither did I want to touch the dead frog. I did what any strong and powerful woman would do – I called for my husband.
It was only seven in the morning; he was awake but not out of bed yet, and he came running downstairs, probably thinking things were dire. They WERE dire. He shooed me out of the house and I drove off with Rex in the back seat, feeling bad for the little dead froggy who, my husband told me later, was not actually dead. After discovering that the frog was alive, he put little Kermit in the vines behind our house, where he hopped off happily. I was relieved I took the hysterical route because I might have had a heart attack, had I tried to move the frog, only to have it rise, Lazarus-like, from the dead.
Weekly Reading
I read a strange amount about death and grief this week. Maybe Kermit was a sign from the universe.
The Widow’s Guide To Dead Bastards. First off, this author lives in Calgary and while it’s weird to say reading a grief memoir was fun, it was actually super fun for me to know all the places she wrote about. Also, there is a recipe at the back of the book for my friend Julie’s sour cherry jam, which was exciting to see (HI JULIE). I would say that half of this memoir is salacious details, and half is an exploration of the grief process and the particular ways this author dealt with the death of her husband. There is a lot about the supernatural, mediums, and communication beyond the grave, which I was not expecting at all, but I’m open to.
When the author’s husband drops dead of heart failure on his way home from Houston, the author discovers a LOT of pretty awful things about him: his extensive porn stash along with his enormous credit card bills paying for escorts and for the affair he was having with his coworker. I can imagine this would be an absolutely horrifying and painful discovery, to go along with the shock of his sudden death at 47. But also, it sounds as though they had kind of a terrible marriage. He did not sound like an ideal husband – threatening to kill her, threatening to die, threatening to leave her. It’s a very upsetting book, and there were some pretty unsavoury details about his personal appearance that were unsettling. How often did we need to be reminded that he was five inches shorter than her, bald, and fat? I guess we all process in different ways and I hope the author has found peace. And also that she makes a lot of money from this book, because those debts sounded grim.
Notes On Your Sudden Disappearance. From the very first page, this book made me resent doing anything that wasn’t reading this book. I was completely obsessed and swept up by it. I promised myself I could read it when I finished things I needed to do, like it was a special treat and reward. It WAS a special treat and reward. This is a perfectly-written book: it’s so beautiful and moving, and yet hilariously funny and witty. It is a gorgeously done meditation on loss and grief, it shows the unraveling of a family after the loss of one of its’ members, it shows the complexity of people, forgiveness, and learning to live with loss. I loved it so very much.
A Life Of One’s Own. This book is part memoir, part essay collection. It draws interesting parallels between the author’s life – her divorce, the loss of her mother, her friendships, her ability to be creative – and that of nine esteemed women writers. I really enjoyed reading how such authors – Mary, George, Zora, Virginia, Simone, Sylvia, Toni, Elena – lived their lives and turned out works of art. If you have to google any of those last names, may I suggest you read their work? Thanks to Gill (HI GILL) for the recommendation!
Tomorrow is April Fool’s Day; I am not at all a person who enjoys tricks or practical jokes, which I think are almost always mean-spirited at best. However, my younger brother and I have had a running joke that has lasted over three decades, one that I am not going to explain but involves a dead horse. Too bad it didn’t have to do with a dead frog, things could have gotten interesting this year. In any case, several months ago I sent him this photo on my walk:
To which he responded whoa, is that actually a dead horse? It’s not, it’s a sleeping horse. I hope you all have a wonderful, non-foolish start to April – my birthday month! xo
That was a harrowing frog encounter Nicole–thank god for Rob! I know what you mean about animals staying in their lane… I like having a pond in the garden, but I didn’t know we’d attract so many frogs and… some snakes :/ . I don’t know what unrealistic expectations I had, but I certainly don’t have them anymore. My “earth mother” persona is only for certain animals, apparently 🙂
What a lovely selection of books this week! I’m racing to make a note of them!
I don’t mind frogs at all, but I don’t want any – alive or dead – in the house! As for snakes, eeee, the only ones we have around here are harmless little garter snakes, although Rex has tried to eat those as well, which was alarming.
I’m with you on the ban on horror and lights coming on in the car. Nothing gives me a mini stroke than a low tire pressure light when I’m barreling down the freeway at 70 mph. But I’m also terrible with blood in person and on screen. I will never understand how my oldest became a nurse. She is an amazing person to have in emergencies.
As much as I think dogs are adorable and would be so fun to have (I stan for all daschunds and Bassett hounds) I just wouldn’t be able to handle what you speak of 🤣
Nurses are heroes! The things they witness on a daily basis never fails to astound me.
I feel like there is a price for the intense joy of having a dog, and that price is cleaning up some of their disgustingness!
I 100% believe you would be amazing in an emergency. The frog story is excellent, and I am very glad that a) the frog was alive and remained alive and b) Rob dealt with the frog. I am giggling at Rex’s looks of betrayal when you give him a special treat. He and my child have so much in common.
While I cannot stomach blood — I mean, I can in *theory* but in reality I pass right out — I think I am decent in an emergency as well. Despite being very high strong and sort of flaily on the day-to-day, I can be pretty calm if my kid has fallen off her bike or there is a Spider Incident. Plus, I think I am a pretty good problem solver. Like if we were on a boat and it sprung a leak I feel like I could find some way to stop or at least slow it, you know? But animal stuff is where I really draw the line. I cannot BEAR the thought of a mouse, alive or dead. I once had to shovel up a dead squirrel and I thought I might die. You know how I felt and still feel about the bat issue. Dealing with a bear is one of my top worries; I feel like there’s no way to get out of that situation alive. And Nicole. Dealing with regurgitated deer fur???? I am dizzy just thinking about it.
I share your feelings about mice. Well, not if they are in their own habitats, but IN MY HOUSE NOOOOO. I am also happy the frog was alive and that I didn’t pass out from picking up what I thought was a dead frog to find out it was alive.
REGURGITATED DEER FUR. It was even worse than what you might think.
Egads. I’m glad neither the frog or horse were dead!!! I know a few people who have a serious frog phobia- good thing you’re not one of them. We’ve had a couple incidents of frogs in the house. It’s been awhile so I can’t remember how we managed it, but we DID get them out! The cats are afraid of them.
Those books sound good! Well, the second two. The first one is making me chuckle at the title, but I probably wouldn’t read it.
Happy Birthday Month! I’m excited for you.
I don’t mind frogs but a) not in my house and b) not dead.
I loved Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance so much! Five stars all round!
I am so glad the frog is ok! What a fraught story! I totally relate with being good in a people emergency but not great in vehicular ones. I feel like I know my lanes of where I can be helpful while also having the self awareness to know where I am very much not helpful and need to be walked away and given a cup of tea, you know?
YES! Lindsay! It’s all about knowing your lanes! That’s a perfect way to put it!
I’m glad there was a happy ending for the frog. I rarely see them around here, but when I was a kid I loved frogs and we had a vacation house near a big pond, so I got to see a lot of them.
I like frogs too, they are such neat little animals!
I was lovingly forced to watch a horror movie with Ella and Mike last night. I lasted 30 minutes before I had to leave the room, put an ice pack on my neck, and listen to ambient music. Yet—when my dad was home on hospice last year, I was mostly calm and collected in emergency mode. Never saw that coming.
I’m so glad Kermit is okay! I love that you name animals too.
And I completely agree—April Fools’ jokes feel mean-spirited to me.
I just CANNOT with horror movies! Too scary too scary too scary! However, real blood? Bring it on, I’m fine.
I’m fine with real blood, too! 🤣
The times when I wish there was a man around the house (rarely) is when uninvited creatures get in! Once I had a racoon in my attic. Long story. But now I live in a condo. Less invasive. Although when there are electrical or plumbing issues . . . well, it’s good to have the number of a good handyman.
A RACCOON IN YOUR ATTIC. Pearl! I just fainted a little imagining how destructive that would be!
I am not great with frogs, lizards, spiders, etc etc etc. I’d be calling for my husband as well. I’m so creeped out by so many things that are FAR smaller than me! But I, too, am great in an emergency. And I do super well with medical stuff which is a blessing since I’ve endured quite a bit. I was messaging with a blog friend whose 4yo is also getting surgery on Friday, just like my little guy, and she commented on how her husband would be the person to hold their son while he is put under. In our relationship, I am the person for that job! And I will be taking Will to his surgery on my own because really he will only want me afterwards and it’s a super busy day for Phil.
I am glad you loved “Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance.” I was amazed that she pulled off the 2nd person POV on a DEBUT!! I will read anything she writes now that I’ve given both that book and The Wedding People 5 stars. I was going to read that memoir about the widow but now that you’ve described it more, I think it would annoy me a bit… The premise did kind of remind me of “The Pilot’s Wife” – did you ever read that? It was a buzzy book in the early aughts. I did not read much for pleasure in college but that book got passed around in my sorority!
I LOATHE April Fools Day. I am a very very gullible person. I guess I just give people the benefit of the doubt and believe what they are saying. The worst is fake pregnancy announcements. There was a funny running April Fools challenge between my husband and his college friends. They were elaborate pranks – like sending their friend a letter that appeared to be from the city telling him a commuter rail system would be going through the lot of the home he had just purchased. I can’t remember the other pranks but they were all similarly very involved types of pranks. I could see the humor in them since I was not directly involved, but I still wish the day did not exist.
Oh Lisa, were you the one who told me about Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance? If so, THANK YOU!!! It was brilliant. I loved it SO much!
I find things like fake pregnancy announcements, etc., to be so lame. Come on! April Fool’s is dumb, except for my stupid joke with my brother that we will keep up until the end of time.
I didn’t read the Pilot’s Wife – should I?
It has been about 25 years since I read it and I don’t trust the reading tastes of 19-20 year old Lisa!! I really loved it when I read it, though!
Well, it’s worth a library hold!
“You haven’t lived until you’ve cleaned up regurgitated deer fur!” Ha! Ha! Nicole, I have lived! I don’t know how our dog finds so many various deer parts to drag onto the lawn and chew into an explosion of fur. And he’s so proud of his gross treasures. And I always take them away from him, so I don’t know why he hasn’t learned to keep them out of my view. I’m happy that Kermit was safe and happy that your husband dealt with the situation.
I also will not be celebrating April Fools’ Day!
Lololol Michelle, you and me really know how to live it up! Oh lordy, the amount of dead things my dogs have eaten.
I made it clear to my husband from day one that he is expected to deal with all wildlife and bury all bodies. As a single lady I had to deal with the occasional dead garage mouse and the Great Chipmunk Massacre of 2011, which happened on my property c/o the neighborhood outdoor cats. As a married lady I do not deal with any of these things. Hopefully Kermit got the hint and will not come back to visit you.
I love a book that makes you resent every non-reading minute in your life, and I also adored The Wedding People, so you can count me it for Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance. Widow’s Guide also feels like it has my name on it.
Also April Fool’s is not my idea of a good time. I agree that there is something mean spirited about it.
GREAT CHIPMUNK MASSACRE! Aieeeee!
That book was SO good, Birchy!
I am so glad Rex didn’t get the frog first!!
I’m glad on many levels!
Goodness..in the respect to being calm in an emergency, we are opposite..lol. I fall into pieces. Plus I love horror books and movies. Halloween is my holiday! I’m glad you didn’t find Kermit on April 1. That would have been too much for me! You must be a really fast reader! I read 1 book a month on average. I enjoy when you talk about the books you read!
I’m a total scaredy cat when it comes to horror anything! Also for cleaning up dead animals unless they’ve been regurgitated, apparently!
Thank you for not including a picture of said frog – alive or dead. I CANNOT with frogs; I simply can’t. Finding one in my entryway would have meant that I was not leaving the house that day, period.
I don’t mind frogs but I wasn’t happy about the thought of a dead one in my house! Eeeee!
We were having some weather changes over here (hot! cold! thunderstorms! snow!) and at one point we were driving by a cow and she looked so DEAD. But she was not. How do I know? Because when I drove by the next day, she was walking around like alive cows do.
Are frogs scary? I do not find them scary. Also, Rex must have a much crazier prey drive than Hannah because while she’s all about chasing squirrels, rabbits, and cats, she is TERRIFIED of small insects and amphibians. I really need to introduce Hannah to Rex so she can learn how to be a confident dog.
I don’t find frogs scary when they are alive, but I was having a crisis over the demise of the frog that I thought I caused. I think it’s flattening was a defense mechanism.
Yay, Kermit lives! Such good news. Also excellent that you did not have to touch it! Whew.
I just put the Espach book on hold at the library, thank you!
I hope you love it too, J!
Omg, I saw that dead bastards book but it’s a MEMOIR? Holy crap.
Is it Sylvia Plath? That’s the only one I can’t immediately pinpoint.
Why was the frog doing a death scene in your doorway, why, froggie, why.
I love horror, and am also surprisingly good in a bloody emergency, not good at all in a car emergency. Except when I manage to get CAA to replace my battery in my driveway 24 hours after joining. Never mind, am also a car genius, clearly.
Yes, Sylvia Plath.
It IS a memoir! And wow, it is a ride. It goes from grief to “actually our marriage was terrible” to “my husband is terrible” to “he’s visiting me from the afterlife in the form of an eagle.”
I don’t watch anything with gratuitous violence, whether it is mythical or real. I am glad to find someone who feels the same way. I often feel alone on this issue.
Kermie lives! Good things happen.
You’re not alone, Ally! I can’t bear to watch it at all! I have been known to either leave the room or plug my ears and close my eyes, asking for someone to tell me when it’s over.