I listen to a lot of podcasts; if those podcasts were audiobooks I’d probably be able to increase my Yearly Books Read by at least 100. Alas, they are not! I walk a lot and also do a lot of boring household things, like laundry and chopping vegetables, and podcasts entertain me while I do that. One of my favourites is Were You Raised By Wolves, and a couple of years ago it introduced me to the concept of Reseating The Theatre.
The idea is this: your life is a theatre, and everyone in your life is somewhere in the theatre and its vicinity. You are the star, and you are on stage. Perhaps there are one or two other people onstage with you, but perhaps not. There are a few people who are backstage, and then there are a few people in the front row; those people are the most important in your life. There are people in the orchestra and people in the mezzanine. Some people are in the balconies, and maybe there are a few balcony tiers. Some people are wandering around in the lobby and still others are not allowed in the theatre at all.
The brilliance to this is that not everyone gets full access to the show that is your life; of course they don’t, imagine how exhausting that would be. But the theatre metaphor is perfect because it allows me to prioritize my time and energy; the people in the front rows and backstage are my ride-or-dies, and I give those relationships a lot. I get a lot out of them too. People in the mezzanine and balconies are welcomed and even cherished in my life, but they get less personal attention, and some people are more like friendly acquaintances who I’d happily chat with, but who I wouldn’t be necessarily hanging out with.
I like to think that everyone has a theatre, and just like they have a seat in my theatre, I am seated in theirs. An important thing to note in this metaphor is that circumstances can change and people can be reseated.
I truly believe in the old saying about friends coming in to your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. How this relates to the theatre is that seasons change, and people can move from the balcony to the orchestra, or from the front row to backstage, or from the mezzanine to the lobby, depending on the circumstances. If I realize that I have been reseated in someone’s theatre, and not in a growing in importance kind of way, then I can feel free to move them back in mine, and not feel obligated to expend more energy.
It’s so important to meet people where they are in life, but also to put them where they need to be.
Recently Elisabeth asked (HI ELISABETH) what personality trait do you absolutely require in a friend? This question, frankly, stumped me, probably because I have a very wide and flexible definition of the word friend. The people backstage are obviously my closest friends and confidantes, but I also consider the people on the third tier balcony to be friends, just in a less intense way. There are friends that I do fun activities with, friends I feel comfortable travelling with, friends that I read with and talk with about books, friends that just sit and talk and listen as I pour my heart out. Some friends check all those boxes, some check just one. There’s room for everyone in the theatre, is what I’m saying, but obviously not everyone can be everything.
I have a few lifelong friends (HI TARA, HI ELISE), women who have known me since my very awkward early teens, and even earlier, and who have loved me this whole time. That’s really saying something! I mean, I went through a period of obsession with Jim Morrison, who had been dead for decades by that time. Also, ew. On the flip side, I have some friends who I have known only a short time, but they have quickly moved from mezzanine to the front rows; these are women I love to spend precious time with. Some previously close friends have slowly lost touch with me over the past couple of years, and so I have sadly moved them back in my theatre. Very, very occasionally, I will find myself no longer with anything in common with a person, or at a place in which I find myself to be in constant disagreement with every decision that person makes, when that person is just too toxic and too difficult. That situation requires a move to the lobby, or maybe even outside the theatre.
I am very grateful for the friends who do not let distance stand in the way of our relationships. I can think of at least four friends who live far away but who I consider to have front row seats. One of my dearest friends, Hannah (HI HANNAH) could not live farther away from me without leaving the country or falling into the ocean, and yet we chat several times a week. My friend Nicole (HI NICOLE) has never failed to keep our monthly friend date since we started them in January 2018; since I moved we call each other every month. Allison (HI ALLISON) lives in Ottawa but when I saw her last spring for the first time since 2014, it was like no time had passed. And Jen (HI JEN) will be sipping poolside margaritas with me next week; she is a sister to me, except that we never fight.
All of these friends are so different, but the common thread is that they always have time for me, they always are supportive and loving, and I always know where I stand with them. They always make me feel uplifted and fill me with positive energy.
Speaking of being uplifted and filled with positive energy, I hope you all had wonderful Galentine’s and Valentine’s Days! Galentine’s for me was such a special day: the morning with The Squad, an afternoon writing date with Laura (HI LAURA), and an evening at the theatre with my relatively new, but already very dear, friend Sandi (HI SANDI). Look at this incredible spread of goodies! It just doesn’t get any better than that.
My dear friend Sammi (HI SAMMI) made this cake. You know how I feel about cake!
I did make my own cake for my Valentine and Valentine-adjacent sons, and also for myself, because we all need more heart-shaped cakes in our lives.
Weekly Reading
It was a reread week around here!
The Husband’s Secret. This was the first of Moriarty’s books I had read, back in 2017. It got me hooked on her style – twists and turns and very complicated characters. I loved it in 2017 and I loved it now, this story of secrets and choices and how they affect our lives. It’s such an interesting thing to think about: if you made a different life choice, where would you be right now? Who would be around you? It’s fascinating and so well written; it’s an unputdownable read.
The Burgess Boys. This was historically my least-favourite Strout – the bar is high, though! – but I thought I would reread it, after Bob Burgess featured so heavily in the new, and much-loved-by-me, Tell Me Everything. I liked it so much more on the reread, although it would still rank last in all the Strouts. It is a very bleak and grim story, and all the characters are either absolutely abhorrent or really pathetic. But I did find it to be a good reread and things resonated with me differently this time around, particularly the character of Helen, who is mourning her empty nest. (hashtag: landslide, relatable). I think that the story line, which centres around what appears to be a hate crime but might just be a crime of stupidity, is absolutely relevant today, with its theme of xenophobia and distrust of immigrants and different cultures.
It snowed this weekend! We have had so little snow this year that it is remarkable and exciting when it happens. It snowed just in time for me to leave it! I am off on a little adventure that will feature sunshine, beaches, and a whole lot of mango margaritas. I’ll see you all on the other side; take care of yourselves. xo
Omg- Rex in the snow. I love every part of him but those huge paws are my favorites.
Your Galentine’s spread looks amazing! I didn’t do anything for either Galentine’s OR Valentine’s Day (my husband was working all day and didn’t get home till after I was in bed.) Maybe I should have done some sort of virtual Galentine’s celebration (hmm, idea for next year…)
Have FUN on your vacation!!!!!!!!!! I can’t wait to hear all about it. Oh and btw that was the first Liane Moriarty book I read as well, and I think it’s still my favorite. At some point in her books I always think, how in the world is she going to tie up this ending??? But she always does, and that one was particularly good.
His huge paws are so cute, and they also keep the vacuum and mop in business, if you know what I mean! Right now the dirt has been traded for little snowballs that fall off around the house.
I KNOW what you mean about Moriarty! I always think “how is this going to go” and then I’m really impressed at the direction it takes.
Enjoy your warm weather getaway with friends! I love this metaphor about re-seating the theater. I have less time these days to devote to friendships, so I am thoughtful about who I’m giving my energy to. I will say that friendships in this stage of life have been trickier. I find that the stage of life I’m in kind of needs to align with friends for optimal friendships if that makes sense – at least for in person friendships. I think for so long since I was a bit of a late bloomer, I was able to flex to other schedules, but now I don’t have that flexibility that I once had, and I’m away so much for work so it’s hard to spend time away from my family. So I guess I could sell that all up by saying it’s complicated. I’m really grateful for my blogging friendships because they are not bound by geography and often times, you all know more about what’s going on in my day-to-day life than my in real life friends do. It’s kind of an interesting dynamic. But I do want and need in person friendships, so I’m trying to figure out how to foster friendships in this stage of life.
I didn’t love The Burgess Boys either! I would’ve been curious how I felt reading it after reading her last novel since I loved the Bob Burgess character in that book. Right now I’m reading “how does that make you feel Magda Eklund?” I have no idea how this ended up on my holds list at the library! I like the idea of the book, but I’m not sold on the execution just yet I should’ve counted the number of references to the main character smoking. I don’t know how the editor didn’t tell her to take some of those references out. We get it – you like to smoke. It’s driving me crazy!!
Lisa, if you have the time I’d encourage a reread. I didn’t like it the first time but the second, I liked it so much more. Helen was someone who really tugged my heartstrings, if you remember that character.
Also, you are in such a busy time of life. I think that friendships ebb and flow depending on the amount of energy we are able to extend – I have a lot right now but earlier in my life I didn’t have as much.
Have a terrific time on your vacation, Nicole! Happy Margaritas and tasty tacos on demand!
What an immensely profound meditation on friendship–I’ll have to come back and reread again to fully appreciate all its wisdom.
That Galentine’s spread looks amazing and the gnome card from your Valentine’s celebration is so on-brand :)!
Isn’t that gnome card cute? My friend Joy – who is a joy! – gave it to me!
I have never heard of that theatre concept of life/friendships, but yes, some friends are definitely only for a season. I’ve struggled the last 10 years with what I call my ‘local, everyday friends’ as many of them went back to work, increased their hours, or began traveling nonstop once they became empty nesters. They are just no longer available during the day. Last year I began a ‘goal’ of making new friends. Not easy at my age, but I’ve made two and I couldn’t be happier about it! I also joined a women’s group at my church because my husband and I quit going to church regularly once Covid began. The women are a little older than me for the most part, but at least I’m meeting new people.
Another thought…..ever think about how many people went to your wedding that you haven’t seen or talked to in decades? Now that my oldest has been married 10 years, I now think about the friends we invited to that whom I no longer talk to much. It’s weird.
Bijoux, you’re right, it isn’t easy at our ages! But it is so helpful to find people who are available at the same time.
Gosh, you’re right about the wedding people. There are a lot who I’m no longer really close to!
Yay snow! Don’t get me wrong, I am sick to death of winter and not looking forward to the deep freeze that is on the way, but I love seeing Doggo play in the snow. Yesterday she had two doggy play dates at our house, and it was so much fun to see the dogs running around like maniacs in the yard, while we caught up with our friends inside.
I am stumped at the “what personality trait do you require in a friend” question. I would say that whatever personality lends itself to blogging or being a dog owner with a social dog;-)
Dogs in snow is one of my favourite things! Rexie, like Barkley before him, really gets snowballs in his fur and paws, but that is the only downside. It’s so fun to watch dogs play in the snow!
It is so true that some friendships enter life for certain seasons. I agree with Bijoux that’s it’s strange to me that many of the people I was close to when I got married are no longer in my inner circle. I think what I’ve needed/looked for in friendships has ebbed and flowed as well. When my kids were little, it seemed every new friend I made would have young kids in the same age demographic and now…well, it doesn’t really matter because caring for my older kids is a much different kettle of fish.
I hope you have the BEST time. The windchill is insane here lately, so I’m not going to lie – I am insanely jealous right now!
That cake looks both delicious and gorgeous. I’m hungry 🙂
And I’m glad you and Rex got some of your beloved snow.
It is interesting, isn’t it? I feel like I can categorize people into groups as per when and how they came into my life – our kids were friends, for example. And sometimes those friendships last a long time, even longer than when the kids were friends, and sometimes they don’t really.
The snow is great, and the temps are mild, so it’s all good!
What a gorgeous spread of treats.
That theater metaphor is interesting when you blog, because of course there’s a lot in any blogger’s life that doesn’t go into the blog. Or some people limit access to certain posts. I used to do a version of that (during North’s psychiatric crisis a couple years back) by not posting certain ones to Facebook and just telling a few select people who don’t read it on the regular when there was a new post. And there’s always an ongoing discussion with North about what they’d like me to say/not say, because it’s not just my life I write about.
Have fun in Mexico! I hope you don’t see too many MAGA supporters.
Oh god Steph, me too, ME TOO. I am a chatty person and I have always enjoyed talking poolside with others…but for SOME REASON I feel a bit reticent to be my usual chatty cathy self. Hmm.
The blog thing IS interesting. I think I’m open TO A FAULT about a lot of things, but there are some things that never make the blog. I don’t write about the boys much anymore, but I do tell them if they are going to be quoted or discussed.
I love this idea of friendships and people in our lives. It’s so true and definitely something to ponder. Enjoy the margaritas!
Thanks Anna, I will have one in your honour while reading!
The theater metaphor is so interesting! I think you have a huge, welcoming theater with lots of seats, snacks, and entertainment! I’m so glad I have a seat in the bloggers section of your theater, Nicole! I always feel welcomed and seen.
I hope you have a wonderful vacation! Drink a Mango Margarita for me!
Thanks so much Michelle!!! I’m so happy you’re in my theatre!!! I feel like we are kindred spirits!
I have realized recently that my circle of friends has gotten quite small. People have moved away or are in different times of life, and it’s just hard to keep in touch. I am as much to blame as them. I need to make a conscious effort to try to find more of my people. I miss the snow. I live in the Phoenix metro, and snow is a foreign concept now.
Have you read Laura Dave? She reminds me of Liane Moriarty. I’d recommend her books.
Hugs, Kara. It’s kind of rough when that happens. Different stages of life I find are the biggest obstacles to keeping in touch, sometimes.
I have not read Laura Dave but I’m going to go look her up right this minute!
Wait! I just went to look up Laura Dave and realized I HAVE read The Last Thing He Told Me! It looks like she has a new one out, I’m going to put it on hold. Thanks!
Valentine-adjacent sons– perfect.
Ha! Thanks!
SNOW!! Rex looks so happy. I am also pretty gleeful about our snow. It makes winter so much better.
In your theater metaphor, can I be the understudy for my own life? I’m tired of being the star and would like to bow out for a bit. I’ll come back later when the hard bit of rehearsal is over. Does that seem like a thing we can do?
Have a great vacation! I can’t wait to hear all about your glorious time on a beach.
Oooh you know, I never thought of the understudy role. I mean, it should be a thing. We should be able to take a break once in a while!
I love your thoughts on the theatre and reseating. It’s a concept I can certainly use. I live in Ohio and this year we have had much more snow and cold then in previous years. I love it! Being cozy and inside is my thing..lol
Coziness is so nice! You’re living la vida hygge!
All the world’s a stage and we are merely players – such an interesting idea to link this metaphor to friendship! I confess I have not been able to get into Strout – her ebooks are expensive and I can’t always find print copies, but I did find the Burgess Boys and really liked it! Have a lovely, sunny holiday, Nicole! I travelled vicariously w/my family to Italy week before last and I have been drinking in the photos!
Thanks so much Tamara! I’ll be sure to post lots of photos when I’m back.
This was SUCH a great topic, Nicole. I had never heard of the “reseating the theatre” concept, but it’s a fantastic metaphor for how people shift in their roles and inputs in our lives. I like the idea that the people in our lives can move both backwards and forwards — it removes some of the sadness that comes with thinking a friendship has ended permanently.
Your point about toxic people — or maybe not even toxic people, but people whose decisions and values no longer align with mine — is such a good reminder. Just because someone has attended previous performances doesn’t mean they need to attend THIS ONE, or any, ever again. As you know, though, it can be sometimes so tricky to move people “to the lobby, or maybe even outside the theatre.” Especially when they are family or people you interact with regularly, or people who are in your circle of front-row theatre-goers, or people to whom you feel an obligation for one reason or another.
I am not surprised that you have so many rich and rewarding friendships in your life — you reap what you sow, and you are such a generous and kind and positive person, your friend garden should be full of amazing blooms and no weeds. (I have DRASTICALLY shifted metaphors here.)
Anyway, speaking of drastic shifts, I am excited by your snow! and also very excited that you will soon have sunshine and warm temps and many margaritas.
Oh yes, that the obligatory patrons are a whole different kettle of fish. And I’m not sure what to do about them, although I guess it depends on how often obligations force one to interact. But maybe they can just be emotionally put into the lobby, like “I don’t enjoy this person although I have to see them, but let’s keep things at a very high superficial level.”
You’re SO kind, and you are a very special flower in my garden/ have a great seat in my theatre/ what metaphor are we using, I’m not sure, but you know what I mean!
xoxoxo
Only you would have brought the theater concept of friendship into my brain; I love it! And it is so very true.
Have a wonderful vacation, Nicole! I can’t wait to hear all about it.
Thanks so much Gigi! I’ll definitely share all about it!
HI NICOLE I LOVE YOU. Reseating the theatre, what an amazing contest. This is timely for me, since I just had lunch (the third in the past six months or so) with a friend I kind of lost touch with when our lives went in different directions, then reconnected with and it’s been such a pleasure. Sometimes it’s for a season and then another season, I guess?
Without overthinking it, I think maybe one thing I need in a friend is at least some degree of empathy, or at least a knowledge of the concept. I find it really difficult to connect meaningfully with people who are absolutely certain their way is right and have no room to even consider anyone else’s.
Oh yes, I have had that happen too – old friends coming back into my life. It’s really great when that happens.
Empathy! Yes, that is a VERY good quality, and you are right – it’s hard to connect with someone who can never see another POV.
Losing friends because they are in a different phase of life is sad. Especially when people have young children, or are super busy with their career or elderly parents, they can drift and it sucks. BUT! Both my husband and I had our BFFs drift in this way, and once things settled down a bit for them, they drifted back into our lives. I like to remember that, when someone you love seems to be gone. They may not be gone forever.
I almost bought the Burgess Boys at the bookstore yesterday, and I’m glad I didn’t. It sounds like perhaps a better library loan to me. I do love Strout though. And Moriarty. I don’t remember what my first book was of hers, but the Husband’s Secret was one of the first, and I’ve enjoyed them all.
Have a fabulous time, I think you’re going to Mexico, right? Enjoy!
the metaphor about different part of life with the theater is so true. I like your answer to Elizabeth’s question too. I used to be very specific about who I consider as friend (only BFFs), but now I’m more open and inclusive, especially going through life and losing/gaining some friends due to life circumstances changes. We need different kind of friends in life to fulfill our different needs and our changing values/lifes.
I have the Husband’s secret book in shelf for years and never started it. maybe I should give it a try now that you liked it.
I absolutely love the Theater Concept. It’s so true regarding friendships/relationships and it works well in my mind.
There are never enough heart cakes in life, so eat up and enjoy. Your celebration looks and sounds like a lovely time.
Enjoy a mango margarita for me!!
I love this concept of re- seating the theater! It has given me a lot to think about…
Rex! What a lovable dog. He makes me smile. I’ve never thought of myself as being on stage so therefore I’ve never considered my friends and family and whoever to be my audience. That idea unnerves me, being an introvert. Still, will ponder it.
I love the reseating the theater analogy. I think that’s how the ebb and flow of relationships are, even romantic relationships. There’s someone who used to belong to my book club who decided to leave our club, which was fine, but she’s maintained relationships with everyone in the club except me… which has been hard for me, but that just means I’m not meant to keep her in my theater! I think this analogy really gives us some of the power back in relationships that may have soured for any reason, and I love that.
Enjoy your tropical vacation. It sounds amazing!
Have a wonderful vacation! I cannot wait to read about your warm weather and fancy cocktails – it will warm my heart imaging your adventure, as I shiver here in the cold.
Re-seating the theatre is such an interesting concept. Being a backstage person, I love framing those closest to me, the ones without whom I can’t operate, as the backstage people. (A lighting designer once said to me, with out the backstage crew, theatre would just be a bunch of people standing around in the dark.)
Now about those people you have to reseat… sometimes they just have the wrong tickets.
Have fun sipping cocktails, and don’t forget to wear sunscreen! I love your analogy about the theater. I definitely know that I have been moved to the nosebleeds by some people since I am no longer in their proximity and sometimes I get sad about that, as I think I was in the orchestra seats at the very least! However, I do know that as times change, sometimes that happens. However, there are still a few ride or die friends that I know will probably always be in my first row!