I am a person who derives a lot of energy from the idea of a Fresh Start, and it doesn’t even have to be anything as significant as a new year. It could be a new month, a new week, a new day; even a new lipstick or pair of panties will signify a Fresh New Start, and I will be energized at the thought. A new era is upon us, I’ll think on a random Tuesday, Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten, I’ll think while applying a new shade of Maybelline Ultimatte.
And so it was that I found myself de-Christmassing and deep cleaning the house for many hours yesterday. I don’t know when exactly I started this routine on New Year’s Day, but it does feel like the Festive Season is officially over for me, and so all signs of it are now packed away until November.
Half of the holiday season was marked by a completely empty nest, as the boys went on a road trip last Saturday to visit some friends; they are returning tonight and I can hardly wait. Recently Kamryn (HI KAMRYN) asked How are you managing adult children, how do you set boundaries, how often do you communicate? Well! It’s a New Era indeed. We were all having dinner the night before they left for their trip, and Landslide came on the playlist. My husband looked at me for a moment, and then said “Maybe we should put on a different playlist when they’re gone.”
When they were younger, any time we reached a new era I would think I’ve been afraid of changing because I’ve built my life around you and then my eyes would well up and threaten to spill over; one would think that I would be a complete mess these days, particularly over the holidays when they are not here. In a completely unexpected turn of events, I am not a mess at all. Or much of one.
No one is more surprised than me, honestly, but I really love having adult children, and I only get happy nostalgic feelings when something like this reminds me of what the holidays used to be. Also, a huge upside of an empty nest means that I can really put that Jimmy Buffett song into action: why don’t we get drunk and screw?
I mean, not every day, but it’s nice that the option is there.
Back to the topic at hand, for me the key to a good relationship with my sons is the ability to step back and trust that they will make good decisions, and if they make mistakes, to trust that they will fix them and learn from them, or live with them. This isn’t always easy, of course. The other key is to keep open communication and to keep my judgements to myself. I never want to put guilt trips on my kids or to make them feel badly about themselves, and so unless I am specifically asked, I don’t offer unsolicited opinions. This is also not always easy! Particularly when they are going on an eight hour road trip through the mountains, and it’s snowing and raining the entire way, just as a small example.
In terms of boundaries and communication, one of my sons does still live with us, so I talk to him every day. I text with the other one a few times a week, and I generally see him weekly when he comes home to do his laundry and to share in our big Sunday dinner. I am not an overbearing type, so I step back and let the communication flow in a way that makes sense. The exception to this is when they are, you know, driving in winter conditions for eight hours, then I not only ask for updates but I also check where they are via location tracking, which is something I do NOT do normally.
When my kids were very small, I came across Kahlil Gibran’s poem On Children, which starts Your children are not your children and continues You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. I have kept that in my mind ever since, and I try to remember that they are their own people, they are not me, they are not my chance to live a different life.
Moving on! I had a lot of downtime this holiday season, and so was able to read some good books.
The Knockout Queen. I was about halfway through the first chapter and I thought “hmm, something seems familiar.” And indeed, I had not only already read this in April 2021, but I also apparently liked it a lot since I gave it a 4.5 star rating. Yet I couldn’t remember what happened! Can I blame the pandemic? I think this was exactly after my first vax, maybe I was foggy. Even though I have a huge stack of books that I have actually not read, I decided to keep going with The Knockout Queen and I’m so glad I did. What an excellent book this was, what a statement about the nature of violence and the way we view it differently depending on if it involves a man or a woman. Rufi Thorpe is such a talented writer, and I just sank into this book and resented everything that took me away from it. It is not at all a forgettable book, so I am going to just go ahead and hope that my complete memory lapse was indeed vaccine and pandemic related.
Tell Me Everything. This book felt exactly like a love letter from Elizabeth Strout to her devoted readers. The moment I heard that she had a new book, and that book involved both Lucy Barton AND Olive Kitteridge, I put it on my Christmas wish list and mentioned it approximately ten times a week. Well, Santa did bring it for me and it did not disappoint! Not only are Lucy and Olive central to the story, but there are characters from every single one of her books, even the more obscure Abide With Me, even her debut Amy and Isabelle. I can imagine a scenario in which someone who HASN’T read Elizabeth Strout’s works obsessively might be looking askance at this book, like “who are these people and why are they all together” but OH, for us fans, oh, it is wonderful. I loved every single vignette, every single moment, every single slice of little lives. The book addresses all the unrecorded lives of everyone surrounding us, and you KNOW that is my favourite thing. I love thinking about how extraordinary all of our ordinary lives are, and this book just hit perfectly.
Love Your Life. And now for something different! Listen. If you pick up a Sophie Kinsella book, you should expect a Sophie Kinsella book. What can I say, the woman sticks with what works, and in this case it’s an Opposites Attract-type rom-com. It’s fluffy and silly but also fun, let’s not overthink things here. Two people meet on what sounds like the weirdest writing retreat ever, where everyone has fake names and are not allowed to divulge any personal information to each other. Wouldn’t you know it, these two people immediately start boning and fall instantly – INSTANTLY – in love. When they get back to regular life in London, reality hits. Ava is wildly unfocused and chaotic, whereas Matt is dutifully but unhappily working for the family firm. These two characters cannot sustain the magic that they had at the weird writing resort, but a satisfying twist that has each of them adopting a little of the other’s personality makes for a happy ending. Is this realistic? Of course not, we don’t read Sophie Kinsella for realism. It’s a fun bit of escapism and was a pretty cozy holiday diversion.
My book total for 2024 was 130, and of those 118 were women writers, 99 were fiction, 12 memoir, 18 other non-fiction, and only one book of poetry. That felt off to me but then I remembered that I spent at least nine months re-reading selections from Mary Oliver’s Devotions, but I didn’t “finish,” as it were. I don’t have any particular reading goals this year, except an evergreen one of not being afraid to DNF a book if I’m not enjoying it. Life is too short to read unsatisfying books! We will see if I keep to this goal, because I have a tendency to push to the end, just to see.
Happy New Year, friends! I hope you had a beautiful holiday season or – if you’re an Orthodox kind of person – are still having a beautiful holiday season! xo
Oh, that Kahlil Gibran poem hit hard. As my girl hits the tween years and we talk so much about independence and self confidence, I find myself having to do so much self work on having trust in the universe as she becomes who she is and will be. It for sure is a trip! Happy 2025, Nicole and family!
It is a trip! But I think it’s so important to remember they are their own people – I think of this often (although when they were younger I thought about it more often in those hands-on parenting days!)
I love your thoughts on parenting in general and on parenting adult children in particular, Nicole. That Gibran poem definitely blew my mind when a cousin first shared it with me. I think my parents certainly did their best, and I’m doing my best too. I think something I’ve learned as a parent is that parents are learning TOO… It’s THEIR first time doing life as well, you know :)?
That picture of you skiing is spectacular!!! I love it!
This is such a good point – parents are learning too! We are all doing our best, and I guess that goes through the generations.
I was actually snowshoeing!
Well if you ever decide to write non-fiction, you could write about parenting adult children because your approach = life goalz!! I love how you talk about having teen/adult children. There is a lot of negativity about that stage of life – and I know this because when I am having a trying moment with my child, people LOVE to tell me that it doesn’t get any easier. In fact, that happened yesterday when Taco laid on the floor, screaming and crying, because he couldn’t choose between pizza and chicken strips when we got lunch at the zoo. A woman in line was like – just wait, it’s still this hard when they are 21. I just blandly smiled at her but wanted to say – this is not helpful.
Ok, moving on. I also read The Knockout Queen and thought it was excellent. Thorpe is so so talented. I look forward to reading more of her backlist! I also ADORED “Tell Me Everything.” I’m nearly a Strout completist so I was familiar with nearly all of the characters from her other novels. I just have Lucy by the Sea and Abide By Me to read and then I will have read all of her works. I think I told you this already, but I do think it’s worth listening to the Happier podcast interview of Strout from this fall. It was fascinating to hear about her writing process. I know you aren’t a fan of that podcast, but that episode is all about Strout and as a burgeoning author, you would enjoy it, I think.
Aw, thanks Lisa! I really loved the teenage years, even through Covid which was something. But the teen years get such a bad rap and they are just really wonderful, if you let them, you know? It’s all about the approach, I think. I’m sure it’s a YMMV situation but I loved it.
Maybe I will look up that podcast right now! I’ll report back.
Everyone seems to agree that having adult children is fun and rewarding. I’m halfway there- my son is adulting (I mean- more or less, he’s in college) but my daughter is still at home. I’m steeling myself for the empty nest transition, but it’s good to know life goes on, just in a different way.
I need to jump on the Elizabeth Strout bandwagon- EVERYONE loves her books! I’ll make that a goal for 2025.
Happy New Year!!!!!
Yes, life really does go on, it’s just a different kind of life!
I am going to warn you – Elizabeth Strout is VERY character driven. Like, I’m not even sure if there is plot involved! That’s my warning, I know you like a good plot!
I vow to read as much as you when my kids are out of the house! The picture of you and your boys is AWWWWWW!!
Thanks so much Daria! Yes, I’m in a life stage that is much easier to get reading done!
I wish SO HARD that more people would understand that we don’t have the right to expect our children to be mini versions of us, or – maybe worse – to be IMPROVED versions of us.
I do love having adult children, and spending time with them now and seeing them be whole real people out in the world is amazing, but I also have aching moments of missing the little people – and I KNOW I was so exhausted and it was so hard, and I’m idealizing a lot of it, and this is just the way it goes, I know that, and yet…
The first book sounds really good, although the hair on the cover freaked me out. Olive Kitteridge seared my soul, so much that I’ve found it hard to revisit that universe, but maybe it’s time.
Happy New Year!
Hmm maybe that book isn’t going to be for you, though. Or come back to it later, I guess?
I also tend to gloss over how exhausting and hard having little ones was, I think I kind of forget what it was like sometimes!
Wow, we sound a lot a like! I have 2 adult children too and my husband and I love that they are financially independent and both living their best lives. They both happen to live in Chicago which is great! I am a blogger also and write non-spoiler “book reports” about once a month but I don’t read as many as you. I’m a slow reader..lol. I think I found your blog through Kari, (Writer McWriterson!) and am enjoying it. Happy 2025!
Hi there! So nice to meet you! I love meeting other bloggers. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ways to relate to your adults children. It’s great to hear that you are at peace with it and don’t feel lost and empty. I also like the way you step back and let them be. I’ll remember that poem for years to come. Respect them as individuals, love them unconditionally, and enjoy them while I can.
Thank you so much Coco! xo
Favorite part: “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten, I’ll think while applying a new shade of Maybelline Ultimatte.”
I got the new Elizabeth Strout for Christmas too!! I will now leave it on the shelf near my chair for, if history holds, somewhere between one week and 18 months, until The Moment Is Right.
Oh oh oh I cannot wait for you to read it and report back! I know how much you love Olive and it is very Olive-heavy! I hope you love it.
I’m with Swistle. I had copied this following quote: “Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten, I’ll think while applying a new shade of Maybelline Ultimatte.”
This is sheer perfection and classic Nicole.
I love how many books you got through and how positively you think about life and change.
My kids are still years away from full independence but, for the most part, I have loved the aging process. It’s fun watching them become their own people. It sucks to watch them make mistakes, but it’s amazing to see them learn from challenging situations. Do I sometimes want to smash my head against a wall from weariness over having the SAME DISCUSSION ABOUT NOT AMBUSHING ME WITH PLAYDATE INVITES. Yes. But it’s pretty incredible that these humans who are functioning in society came out of my BODY.
The life changing power of lipstick!
Hoo boy yes, it does suck to watch them make mistakes but it’s so important! It’s a privilege to watch them become the people they’ve always been, you know?
I think it’s a great exercise to reflect on the previous year, remembering both the highs and lows throughout the year. You had some spectacular highs which is lovely for you to share with us!
I remember reading that Kahlil Gibran’s poem when my daughter was quite young and it stayed with me. I am fortunate to have a close relationship with my daughter, and have a relationship style with her that you have with your boys.
I am also an Elizabeth Strout fan and need to get that latest book put on hold!
Happy New Year and I look forward to reading more of your book reviews and life adventures through 2025!
Oh Jacquie, if you love Elizabeth Strout you will LOSE YOUR MIND about this book! It’s a confluence of all the characters! You’ll love it I’m sure.
That poem is so moving, and I think of it often. I love that you have such a good relationship with your daughter. How special!
So you had your children when you were in high school?? LOL, you look SO young! Beautiful photo, my friend.
And OMG, I just finished Knockout Queen today and LOVED it. I could not put it down. I’ve already started another of her books, the Margot Money one and ordered up the Dear Fang With Love book from our statewide library system, as my local one didn’t have it. Thank you for introducing me to Thorpe!!
Adult children take on an even different era once they have their own babies. But boy, did I ever go through the tears with my son (my youngest child) growing up. First, when he went away to college, then when he worked in Europe for a summer, then when he got his first real job and moved away permanently. Looking back, I now realize that I wasn’t really mourning the current him, but the childhood him that I missed so much. Not that he isn’t a great adult, but I just missed the fun we had when he was a little boy, if that makes any sense? He was my ‘dream child’ while my two daughters were more challenging.
Happy New Year! XO
Oh I’m so glad! Thorpe is such a great writer. I loved Margo so much, and I continue to think about it!
Awww, sending you a hug. It’s bittersweet, isn’t it?
Happy New Year to you! xo
My younger one has given me many opportunities to reflect on that Gibran poem, especially in early adolescence.
Oh yes – early adolescence is its own topic for sure!
You have the best attitude about being a parent! What a sweet photo of you and your boys when they were little. You guided them toward being good adults and you should be proud of that! The snowy place looks so beautiful! We’ve had the weirdest winter so far – warm and hardly any snow!
Thanks Michelle! We had to drive to get to the snow, we have had very little but apparently that’s not unusual here. We’ve had some rain, which is so weird to me. It feels like Montana and Alberta have similar climates, so I have been used to lots of snow and cold, so it does feel odd! It must be very strange for you this winter!
Ha! Ha! Right after I wrote that, it started snowing! It didn’t accumulate too much, but it sure is pretty! Also, I got your postcard from Italy today! Thank you! ❤️
IT ARRIVED!!! Yay!!
I agree with you on how important it is to realise they are their own people. Remembering that helped me a lot as they were growing up. I’m still working on curbing the unsolicited advice with our son because his ADHD really does cause him issues, but also because of his ADHD he can be really sensitive to criticism and feels a lot of shame so I really do make an effort to watch what I say to him. My kids usually initiate communication frequently so I let them set the pace, plus the girls come over for dinner a couple of times a week. I love parenting adult kids—all the fun with none of the work (most of the time)
It is tough to know how to approach certain things for sure – it sounds like you have a great relationship with all your kids!
Confession: I started the year with an audiobook that I finished even though I should have DNFed it. On the bright side, everyone’s going to get a scathing review of it. On the downside, I feel like I have jinxed 2025 reading and it’s only January 3!!
I will look forward to your review!
You are so full of wisdom, Nicole. I know you write fiction, but damn if I would love a nonfiction book from you! I don’t intend to have children, but I love your parenting style and the way you let your kids be their full selves. That’s what we all want from our parents!
I love a good, lighthearted romance. That’s so much of what I read! I don’t take them too seriously and enjoy the escapism. <3
Thank you so much Stephany! That means a lot to me.
I think you might really enjoy the Kinsella book. It’s a lovely little read.
You are so full of joy Nicole. I love how even a “new pair of panties” inspires you and I also love that you use the word panties.
The wisdom (both yours & Gibram’s) on parenting and adult children is so powerful. As a mother of 4 ranging from 33-42 I agree that all stages are wonderful. I do miss those young years but love the relationships I have with my grown kids. It is also amazing to see them be wonderful parents and have both my son and my daughter call with questions about the babies. The hard truth though, is “little kids, little problems; big kids…”. It is sooo hard to watch them go through the really hard stuff life brings all of us. I have 2 dealing with big stuff that I definitely wish I could fix for them. Parenting is wonderful but the hardest job ever. But then you get grandbabies….❤️
OMG grandbabies! One day maybe! Ooooh how wonderful!
And you’re right, it IS so hard to watch them go through the tough stuff. xo
Love the throwback pic.
Also, I am still laughing at this: “ Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten, I’ll think while applying a new shade of Maybelline Ultimatte.“