In September of 2022, my husband and I were at a farewell party for friends who were moving out of the country. As we were leaving, I was, as I am wont to be, getting emotional, and my friend asked if I would take custody of her Christmas cactus, as she couldn’t really take it with her. Of course, I said, tears in my eyes. Of course I will.
Now, I’m unsure if Denise (HI DENISE) was just trying to get me out of the house before I burst into sobs, but I like to think that she gifted me her Christmas cactus knowing it would be going to a good home. I am a verified Plant Lady, after all. This Christmas cactus was, she told me, seventeen years old, which was the exact age of my younger son, giving this custody arrangement even more gravitas. I clutched both Denise and the cactus to my chest and went home.
I named the plant Noelle, I repotted her in a new, larger pot with good drainage, I bought a special fertilizer, I talked to her and put her in the right kind of light exposure, and I started to refer to her as “your sister” to the boys. I love all my plants but Noelle has a very special place in my heart.
Noelle is now nineteen.
A few weeks ago I was looking at Instagram and several of my friends posted photos of their Christmas cacti in full bloom. Now. Let’s all remember that Comparison Is The Thief Of Joy, and that we shouldn’t compare our insides to someone else’s outsides, Instagram is life’s highlight reel, but I realized that in the twenty-six months of Life With Noelle, she hadn’t bloomed once. In fact, she has barely grown.
I thought about this for a while, and then ventured to tell my husband that I think maybe Noelle has reached a certain age, and that her blooming days are over. He replied that I could just put Noelle in the compost and get a new plant.
Well.
Even after almost 23 years of marriage, my husband was surprised, actually surprised, at the ferocity of my reaction. How dare. I could not believe that he would suggest I THROW OUT my beloved aged Christmas cactus, just because her blooming days are behind her? Would we, I said, my voice rising and breaking, would we do that to a PERSON? Just because they don’t bloom anymore?
My husband and son looked at me wordlessly, as I projected onto a Christmas cactus, then went back to eating dinner.
I have been identifying a little bit too strongly with Noelle lately, for reasons that are boring and stupid. To that end I pulled a book off my shelf for inspirational reading before my yoga practice.
This is a reread for me, and something struck me as I read through the pages. It was like I was viewing something at a distance, something that had been deeply meaningful to me at one point but was no longer so. It was like listening to Wish You Were Here or Landslide: at one point in my life I wouldn’t be able to make it those songs without choked sobbing, but now I can listen to them and appreciate them as just musically beautiful.
Curious, I went to look up when, exactly, I had read All Along You Were Blooming, and I finished it in April 2023 which was, as some of you may know, an absolute low point emotionally and mentally. Every single thing in my life was in upheaval: we had just sold our house and we were preparing to move to a different province, one son was graduating high school and the other was getting ready to leave for university, my husband was retiring, I was giving up all my yoga classes, MY ENTIRE HOUSE WAS A DISASTER OF HALF-PACKED BOXES. No wonder all of this spoke to me like an emotionally misunderstood fourteen-year-old girl hearing Pink Floyd for the first time.
Life is a journey, as I say almost daily, and meanwhile, while I currently feel like my blooming days may be behind me, I know that one day I will look back at this moment in time and want to slap my own face. To that end, I have reinstated my long-neglected Mirror Meditations, which I encourage all of us to do. Look on your face like it’s someone you love deeply! SOFTEN YOUR EYES, GODDAMMIT.
On theme this week I read a memoir, the thesis of which is you may be in your late forties, but you can still go to Paris and get fucked six ways from Sunday, which, you know, isn’t exactly relevant to my life or interests, but I guess it’s nice to know the option is there?
Weekly Reading
Prior to going to Italy, I put all my library holds on pause, and now the chickens have come home to roost. I started the week like this:
And now it’s this:
It’s been one step forward, two steps back LITERALLY as every time I return a book two or more are waiting for me.
The Christmas Orphan’s Club. ‘Tis the season to read Christmas books! This one is about four friends who celebrate Christmas together in New York City each year, and are coming to terms with one of them leaving for LA. I am about twenty years too old for the target demographic here and I could not relate less to the characters, honestly. But the book has a nice message about chosen family, the importance or not of a date on a calendar, and growing up. It’s a real moment in time – when friends are the most important thing in the world, and when those friends start building a life of their own – and that might be just your jam to read this holiday season. I mean, it’s not mine, but maybe it’s yours.
I’m Mostly Here To Enjoy Myself. I am the exact same age as the author of this memoir, but – other than our shared obsession with Laura Ingalls Wilder – our lives could not be more different. In theory this is fascinating to me, but in practice – i.e., in this book – it is less so. The premise of this book is that at age 46, the author spends August 2021 in Paris, a city she has spent many Augusts in. The difference this time is that she has just spent sixteen months alone in her 450 square foot NYC apartment, and is absolutely starved for contact. The lady is Down To Fuck. She is also down to be the recipient of Grazing The Watercress, as they say in French. This is how the book is sold, honestly, that not only is she getting laid and pleasured on her command, but she is also incredibly desirable at age 46. So. There’s lots that could be said about this sales pitch but there’s much more to it: a) the book contains a lot more than that as there is a good discussion about aging, b) the author has a really nice Parisian female friendship group, and you know I’m a gal’s gal, c) there are wonderful food descriptions, and d) the hookup app she uses is called Fruitz, which is amusing to me. I will say the most interesting thing about this book is the timeline: reading about that time in the pandemic brought back memories, not at all good ones. It felt weird thinking about that crazy time, and it was strange reading about someone getting her freak on when I was stressing about the kids going to school, would it be virtual school, etc. Well, the world is a wild tapestry.
Dear Fang, With Love. I admit I knew next to nothing about Lithuania; prior to this week I could not have pointed it out on a map. My son, however, told me that it was part of the Soviet Stack, along with Estonia and Latvia; it’s north of Poland and east of Finland. I also did not know how it was affected by World War II and the Holocaust, and this book explores that country’s history from the viewpoint of a father and his teenage daughter who are visiting it after the girl has a psychotic break. This is a strange but compelling book about mental illness, heredity, parental relationships, and youthful love.
A fantastic quote, and one that actually did resonate for me from I’m Mostly Here To Enjoy Myself, is “I have found that you can either talk about yourself, or you can write about yourself, but doing both is a bit much.” Relatable. Basically everyone I know is aware of this blog and most read it (HI EVERYONE) which means that I am very, very aware of the possibility of repeating myself when I am out and about. However, it occurred to me that I have some new readers (HI NEW READERS, thanks for being here!) and to that end I am doing an Ask Me Anything. Longtime readers may be thinking to themselves Good lord no, no, no, I already know too much and I can respect that! But if anyone – new or longtime or anything in between – has a question for me, now is your chance! Just click the link! Have a beautiful week, friends. xo
Gasp!!! Throw Noelle IN THE COMPOST? I can see how that suggestion didn’t go over well. But, in case you’re identifying a little too much with a cactus, I don’t think your blooming days are over! The photo you posted proves that- you look fresh and youthful.
You must be spending every minute of the day reading. So many good books, so little time. I’ll be interested to hear what you thought of The Wedding People. Everyone seems to love it and I’m still patiently waiting for my library hold to come in.
I KNOW RIGHT???? Poor Noelle!
I will report back on The Wedding People!
Save Noelle! I would have reacted the same way, except I don’t think B would even make that suggestion (though she might think it).
Hahahah maybe R needs lessons from B as to when to fold em, hold em, etc!
Growing up I loved our Christmas Cactus. My mom gave said cactus to me when I bought my house, and it took a couple of years for me to realize exactly what you did – that the plant had never bloomed in the time that I had it.
I did some googling and found out that CC’s thrive on darkness and neglect, so I put it in the basement and pretty much ignored it for a few months and then brought it back upstairs. Voila, she bloomed like crazy! I found that she would keep her blooms up through Easter and then I’d move her back down to her “summer home” in the basement. So don’t give up on Noelle!
I have great nostalgia for the pandemic, since it was an intensely happy time for me. I think I might give I’m Mostly Here to Enjoy Myself a try. Strange but compelling sounds like Rufi Thorpe!
Well, this sounds like I am really Over Loving Noelle and that maybe a summer home might be the best thing for her! This is good advice, thanks Birchy!
I have a blog post idea for you – would you ever consider writing about why the pandemic was so happy for you? I know someone else, I think it was Sarah, said she loved lockdown because she wanted to be cozy with everyone home. I’d love to hear about your experience!
I had a Christmas cactus that never bloomed after initial purchase. It went bye bye 👋🤣. I recently read The Wedding People and didn’t love it, so curious what you will think. The Girls from Corona Del Mar intrigues me because I loved that area.
I feel like we have different levels of emotional attachments to our plants!
I will report back on the Wedding People. I’m currently on The Girls From Corona Del Mar and I am LOVING it.
This made me laugh: “Would we, I said, my voice rising and breaking, would we do that to a PERSON? Just because they don’t bloom anymore? My husband and son looked at me wordlessly, as I projected onto a Christmas cactus, then went back to eating dinner.”
This made me not only tear up but SOB GENTLY: “SOFTEN YOUR EYES, GODDAMMIT.”
xoxoxo Swistle!
We keep our Christmas cactuses (cacti?) until the petals literally start falling off. And then I pretend it’s not happening for a long time. I accidentally killed on that my MIL gave me before she died and I will not share with you what my emotional reaction was, but suffice to say that my husband just replaced it with a new one and no more words were spoken about it.
My favorite part of AMAs is trying to come up with random questions that people would never have addressed on their blogs because WHY WOULD YOU. And then people get a little bit of an insight into my brain and what I really want to know about people.
Engie, I had to look away and stare into space for a few minutes. I would have felt exactly the same way re: the accidentally dead Christmas cactus. *deep breathing commences*
Oooh I hope that means you asked a question! Going to go look now.
Oh dear. Throw Noelle in the compost? No no no no. I can see why you were offended by that statement! But I have a pragmatic husband who I could see saying this same thing!
I enjoyed The Christmas Orphan’s Club more than you did even though I really could not relate to the protagonist as much either. It was a light, fun read for me although I don’t remember much about it! I haven’t read Dear Fang, but I want to read it as I love Thorpe’s writing. The Girls from Corona Del Mar is her debut and it is so good!
I think I need that “All Along You Were Blooming” book. I should buy it for myself and wrap it and put it under the tree. Ha. For oh, things HAVE FELT SO HEAVY lately. I can see that I am very very lucky in so many different ways, and yet I feel so gd tired all the time – some of it is physical exhaustion, but more of it is mental exhaustion. I feel like I’m forever crawling out of a pit of exhaustion (which feels very dramatic to say and yet it does feel true because of the combo of a demanding job + travel + young kids).
I think that Paris memoir sounds like it falls into “not safe for Lisa” territory. I’m just such a prude! Ha.
Separately, I started Blue Sisters this weekend by CoCo Melors and it’s really good so far. Solidly lit fic.
You know Lisa, I am of two minds about the memoir for you. It’s not GRAPHIC in terms of sex and there’s no infidelity involved, and it takes place in Paris which I know you love. But….it’s kind of boring? Like for a memoir with that kind of sales pitch I thought it would be more interesting? It was just kind of a slog for me.
I hope you love that book! It’s very uplifting.
We have a christmas cactus that I restarted from the *two segments* that were not dying on the old christmas cactus; it has not bloomed, but lil’ dude is putting out new segments even though we partially killed it via moving (note: the back window of a car is a BAD PLACE to put your plants if you are moving when it is warm; probably about 1/4 of the plant bleached pure white and died).
One of its compatriots, a pothos, also cooked and has been struggling along with two decent leaves since *September* but this month it is down to one decent leaf; I suspect it won’t make it, but it will have as many chances as we can give it!
And the third, a geranium, had two or three leaves die… but it has more than doubled in size since September so I suspect it will be Just Fine, albeit leggy due to light levels.
(if you could cope with Retiring Part Of Noelle, you could start a new plant from her and see how it does. But if you could not retire either portion, do not multiply Noelle…)(But also yes, I have a hard time throwing out plants that are not entirely dead, period, and a harder time with the ones that have stories…)
I have never figured out the secret to getting Christmas cactuses to flower on time; mine are always a bit random re: when they choose to flower. But they do grow (except when they die), and I don’t honestly know why…
Ohhhh this is all very helpful information! I didn’t think of restarting her. Hmmm. I am going to think Very Seriously about this!
I mean, I’m not bothered by the “no blooms at Christmas,” it’s more the “no blooms ever” seemed like I was doing something wrong. But she is growing, albeit very very very slowly.
I listened to that Christmas book and realy liked it– but am also much too old. LOL soften your eyes.
I felt like my own grandma reading that book, Sarah!
I am not a green thumb person, but I have also heard to put the cactus in a dark basement for a few months – it goes dormant and may bloom when you bring it out. I had a gorgeous hibiscus for about 5 years. It was a mothers day gift from daughter, son-in-law and grandsons. Several time it went down hill until it was basically a stick. My husband suggested throwing it out and I reacted much like you did. I brought that baby back to life 3 or 4 times. Then it got white flies that we could not get rid of, so….it’s gone.
Have you read No Two Persons by Erica Bauermeister? (Maybe it was one of your recommendations?) I just finished it for book club and loved it. It is a book written for book lovers – so many beautiful quotes about reading and books. I tend to be a fast reader but forced myself to slow down with this one.
Hmmm I did not know they needed to go dormant! Okay! I’ll try.
I haven’t read that book but I’ll put it on my list…for the new year! I can’t take anything else right now. But I love that idea for a book.
I echo all the other commenters about putting Noelle somewhere dark. And don’t water her for that time. They need some “stress” apparently to bloom. I guess you need to get all Tough Mom on her (though, I’m assuming you didn’t put your kids in the basement with no water or food to improve their proverbial blooming).
Nicole. I love you. Your posts are just magic. I laughed multiple times, but my favourite was: ‘I started to refer to her as “your sister” to the boys.’ Everyone needs a “Nicole” in their life!
DON’T water her? Okay! I’m going to try this. Maybe I’m over-loving her!
You are so sweet, thank you so much. xoxoxo
There are so many quotable aspects of this post, Nicole, but “SOFTEN YOUR EYES GODDAMMIT” is one for the ages.
I love the story of Noelle the Christmas Cactus, and I love that you love her unreservedly, blooms or no. I will share with you that I got an orchid — already in bloom — when my kid was in Pre-K, and then it never bloomed again for like FIVE YEARS or maybe it was only three years but it was Several Years, and now it blooms every year! It was just TIRED, and maybe Noelle is, as well, and felt that your home was a place of respite and comfort, free of judgment and demands on her to be conventionally beautiful.
Also: YOUR blooming days are not over. That sounds more like a threat than I want it to; really what I’m saying is that you are… egads, every time I try to put into words the sincere admiration and delight I take in every written or spoken interaction with you, and try to convey how you ARE a bloom in all ways, it sounds like a seventh grader writing shitty poetry to someone who has never even looked her way. So it turns out it IS a threat, Nicole. YOUR BLOOMING DAYS ARE NOT OVER.
Oh, this gives me such hope, Noelle is TIRED, poor thing!!! She will bloom when she’s goddamn good and ready. Or not! And I’ll still love her. *please don’t die on me, Noelle*
You are SO kind, and I just might print out this comment to look at when I’m feeling less…blossomy and more gone to seed? If we are keeping with the plant metaphors. Anyway, thank you for lifting me up. xoxoxo
Sometimes I get sad thinking my having-babies-years are over, but then I remember grandbabies! So much blooming yet to do 🙂
Soften your eyes is a really good phrase, imprinting on my brain to remember later.
I’ve never been sad at not having more babies BUT it is so exciting to think that maybe, maybe, maybe one day I’ll have grandbabies! I mean, maybe? If I’m lucky! I hate to say anything to jinx it. The odds are in your favour with so many children, so you will for SURE be Grandma Colleen!
I have never had a Christmas Cactus, but some folks here seem to know what they’re talking about. They do well here when put outside, but clearly it is much warmer here than where you are. Noelle might freeze if you left her outside.
I have a lot of trouble throwing out plants, because DUH they are living things. Sometimes I can coax them back to health, and sometimes not. I’m glad that you put your foot down about Noelle. She does not need to bloom in order to be a lovely plant!
I think that many books would stress me out. I guess your library doesn’t have an option where you can let it go to the next person but keep your place behind them? I’m not sure whether our library has that or not for physical books, but they do for audio and it makes me SO HAPPY, because yeah…sometimes a bunch come in all at once.
Noelle would freeze for sure if I put her outside in winter! You live in paradise!
The library has that feature, but only for e-books. And probably audiobooks, I am not sure, I’ve never had one. But because the books are usually shipped here from another branch (our library serves the whole central Okanagan area) you can’t pause them once they are in transit. But I am up for the challenge *she says while drowning in books*
Throw Noelle in the compost?! Has he lost his mind?
Years ago, I had a Christmas cactus that NEVER bloomed at Christmas – but that damned thing would faithfully produce flowers every year around Easter.
And no, you are still blooming – we all are, I think.
I mean, I’d take a bloom any time of the year to be honest! Maybe your cactus is really an Easter cactus?
Oh, Nicole, I laughed so hard at your Noelle story! How dare he suggest throwing her in the compost! I love all the blooming & plant metaphors, and all the helpful tips everyone has offered. I have no helpful tips. I can’t grow anything! I even managed to kill an air plant. My mom has a huge, beautiful Christmas cactus that’s flowering beautifully right now as the centerpiece of her dining room table. I’m in awe!
NO WAY! I had you completely pegged as a Plant Lady! I had no idea!
Looking at your stack, I say go with The Plot first! It is similar to Yellowface, which I remember you liking. Re Noelle, can you propigate her and then there will be babies? Also, I think I saw a cacti in Namibia which was like 2,000 years old, so 19 is just a baby in cacti land!
This gives me cactus hope!
I have already started on the stack and the Plot is going to be in the middle – I’m going by date the books are due! But I’ll report back for sure. I did love Yellowface so that is super exciting to know!
I just had to dispose of my ferns which I had outside all summer. I was trying to keep them inside but they could not handle the cold, dry winter air and were dying, much to my dismay. I have heard the darkness and less water thing as well. I had a Christmas cactus that was my grandma’s and sadly it died a sad fruit fly death several years ago. I watered too much I think. Also all of those books look very interesting!
Oh a fruit fly death! This is good to know as in the fall we get descended on by fruit flies, you know, because of all the fruit!
I laughed so hard at the Christmas cactus outrage because a few months ago we traded in the car that we’d had for years. The big car we’d used to do 1,000,000 carpools to sports and birthday parties and playdates. The car that we used to take my son to college 2,000 miles away. That took us safely all over the state to relatives’ houses, skiiing, soccer tournaments etc. It was on its last legs and we didn’t need that big car anymore, but when it came time to leave it at the dealer to trade in for our newer car it all caught up with me. H and Youngest thought I’d lost my mind getting emotional about trading in a car, but there I was. Sigh.
Unrelated to this post but instead to an earlier post: I was thinking of you yesterday when I stopped reading a book at page 100 because it had been described as “riotously funny,” but I hadn’t laughed once or even cracked a smile. In fact, I couldn’t figure out what was supposed to be funny about it. I decided to quit and move on. No regrets.
Maggie, I understand completely. When my minivan days were over I felt so strange. Who am I if not a minivan mom? It was such a weird feeling (and now I’m a happy owner of a Subaru and I don’t miss it BUT STILL).
Riotously funny! For us it’s a recipe for reading with grim-faced determination.
I love that you remind us to look ourselves at the mirror more often. I think it’s so important to remember that no matter what we are beautiful and our body is a gift. Love that pic of of you, you shine with love and confidence.
Thank you so much Coco!
I feel like our Christmas Cacti don’t bloom every year, Nicole–so don’t give up on Noelle. I’ve also heard of people referring to them as Thanksgiving cacti and Easter Cacti, so they may have a range of bloom times?
I’m glad the New York City book and the Paris book and the lives they depict exist… Not for me at this point in my life, but I know they would make plenty of other people happy, so yay for that!
I mean, I will take any bloom time I can get, ever! Or not. Whatever Noelle chooses!
Yeah, the books were fine, not really for me at this stage of the game though.
I forgot to mention the cute gnome!! How could I forget to mention the cute gnome?!
Isn’t it adorable? It lights up! It was a gift from my friend Allison for last year’s Tiny Secret Festive Season!
And you are still MARRIED to this MONSTER who wants to put HIS OWN DAUGHTER in the compost?!?!!?! I hope Noelle was not privy to this conversation!
I love that poem you shared. I love MHN, too, and I may put a book of hers on my Christmas list. This is a good reminder!
I KNOW!!!! Poor Noelle!!!
Nicole, I have read your blog for a longtime but I have never commented until now. I received a Christmas Cactus about 6 years ago from a friend. It did nothing for four years then miracle of miracles it bloomed. I had booted it out of the house because I didn’t really want to be reminded that it wasn’t blooming. I put it on the patio close to the house. I live in Sacramento CA where we have brutally hot summers and lows in the 30’s at time in the winter. It is getting blooms again but will not be in bloom by Christmas but who cares? So be patient with Noelle or give her the heave-ho to the patio. Merry Christmas!
Hi Melinda! Thank you so much for this comment, and thank you for reading for so long. I appreciate you! This is great info. I’ll have to see how cold a Christmas cactus can take. Right now it is around freezing and colder at night, but possibly when January passes I will be able to put her outside. Thanks so much!
I am appalled at your husband’s idea regarding Noelle’s banishment to the compost. HOW DARE?? I love that she is 19, so clearly, she’s got some blooming to do. I did read recently that they do need to have light variation throughout the day. Like, not LIT all the time, there must be some darkness for them. I know you are a plant lady, but I didn’t realize this myself and mine was in all light, all the time.
Ok, I had to google Grazing The Watercress to see what the hell that meant and now I know how to prepare watercress. 😇 I was thinking you were using innuendo.
Merry Christmas my lovely friend!
Hahaha well it is a French term that means…well…I’ll leave it to your imagination as you prepare your watercress!
I have SO MANY Christmas cacti, and they took forever to bloom. I felt like such a failure. This year, I think 3/4 bloomed? Maybe a bit of a trim would help? (Helped one of mine that I thought was a goner…)
Oooh maybe I should give her a trim! I’ll report back.